Chapter four – Things you don't want to hear.

The first thing John did after his father's encounter, was to shut himself away in his 'new' bedroom. It may have been an anti climatic thing to do, but with the amount of adrenaline running through his body after the argument and being himself, he knew it was the sensible thing to do. The small, childish room held no comfort, just mockery. The room seemed to ridicule him in everything good that Alan had for himself; a girl, sex, his father's love and affection, a happier childhood, the gift of youth and a bit more sex.

John pulled the thin sheet over his head, frowning deeply and screwing up his eyes in anger at his current life, let alone his situation. The duvet had long since been in a crumpled pile, on the rather dirty looking carpet.

Everyone had gone to bed the moment they all understood the argument was over with John's walking out.

Scott had sat with his father, sharing a drink with his best friend and idol.

Jeff had smiled thankfully at his eldest, knowing he could share his thoughts with his best, the son that had made Lucy's tears turn into diamond drops at the sight of him.

Only Virgil had visited Alan's old room, coming close to the old wooden door and lifting his knuckles to tap the wood, before a muffled voice told him to go away. Virgil sighed not waiting to upset John in any other way. The whole explosion of this different side to John worried him and it worried him because John had a terrible habit of bottling up everything and no one had ever seen John let off steam in any such way. Virgil shook his head and a worried look appeared on his features.

John turned over in Alan's bed for what seemed like the hundredth time. The small room seemed like it held little air. John sat up, feeling his mind to be restless and his eyes wide awake.

He stood up and wrapped his green, cotton, tartan dressing gown over his slim body and pale skin. Alan's very vain full length mirror caught his eye, as he was about to close the ties. Even though it was dark, John caught sight of the ghostly figure that lay before him. A, very pale, very thin and very dejected person. Space was not a good route in life unless you were doing exciting things. How disappointed had he been coming straight from NASA and shoved into being a communicator and translator for International rescue. Only using his flying skills to get to TB5 and home again. Only translating distress calls to his father when he should have been out there, face to face, with those who he could reassure and explain. Then he had just learnt to get on with it. The action type character that he'd hoped he be, vanished and he doubted himself that he could never be as brave as his brothers were, the real rescuers, the real Thunderbirds.

A few steps and he came to the window in Alan's room, his dressing gown closed tight against him. The room may have been small and cramped, but no one could knock the view. Pulling a curtain back, John caught a glimpse of the cool moon, shimmering on the oceans waves like little diamonds, in a hypnotic motion. For a moment, John thought he's found some peace, but looking back into the room, he felt the small space close him up. He wanted his own liberty, he wanted to not be reminded of tonight.

The corridor was dark to a degree with its blinds fully closed, but the creamy walls held a dim brightness in the modern corridor. John's feet started walking on their own accord as he stuffed his fists into the large pockets on either side of him. His walk took him passed Scott's typically large room with adjourning bathroom and sauna.

John rolled his eyes but then a small smirk lit his red lips as a past thought entered his mind.

A scene of steam, pine and the two of them. The sweat on each others bodies, the thousands of kisses they had given each other, the way she tasted like sweet nectar to him, the way she'd groaned his name like he was the most important thing in her world.

John's heart rate double at the thought and wave of jealousy hit him at the thought of his brother's arms around Penelope, but then he frowned. If anyone had happened to see his face, they would have seen the painful expression he wore. He wanted to bang on the door, but that was childish, it was something Alan would do. It was something Alan had done to him all the time when he had had the chance. John struggled to control the tightness that entered his jaw and breathed out deeply, exiting passed Scott's room quickly.

His feet carried him further down the corridor. A cold glass of water in neutral territory was in mind.

Finally reaching the corridor leading to the kitchen, John stopped in his tracks at the small glow that was radiating underneath the door. The door itself wasn't shut properly and John could hear small footsteps casually walking on the tiled floor. Initially John's fine blonde eyebrow rose, but then both brows came together in a frown as he caught the vocals of the visitor.

"Alan you're such a tease and a pervert for that matter!" Tin Tin giggled in her feminine tune. A blush crept on her perfect skin, her eyes sparkling with mischief.

"Hey, by the looks of your smile, I'd say you'd want to be involved in my little idea, oh beautiful girlfriend of mine."

"I'm not too sure this should be on the kitchen screen, people could see."

"I've only programmed it in so I'm being broadcasted to the family kitchen not the whole house or the world Tin. Besides, the communicators are too damn small, I wouldn't be able to see if you're wearing any knickers at all?"

"Alan-." Tin Tin laughed. "I'd have to lift up my nightie for you to see...." She finished with a giggle.

"Woohoo, is that an offer for a strip tease. Let's play a game. I'll take a piece of clothing off if you do."

"You know I'm only wearing my nightie, it would be completely unfair."

"All the more reason to play it my foxy, little, minx..."

Tin Tin laughed and smiled again as she looked at the small, TV communicator that sat on one of the kitchen walls and saw Alan wink cheekily at her.

"You're an idiot Alan Tracy, but I'm waiting for you to come back to me..."

"And I'll cum and cum again for you Tin Tin." He replied wickedly.

Tin Tin sighed sadly. "I hate you being away Alan, I really do. What kind of kicks does your father get by sending you away, I mean, you're so young, we both are. We shouldn't even be working for your father. We should be on the main land, heading for the big cities."

"Yeah well, as much as I don't think about my dear brother John, my father does and what my father says, goes. I have to relieve him, even though I think we should just let the sad bastard rot up there with his precious stars. I hated him when I was young! He was so fucking mean. I wonder whether the mother I never knew, knew that her white blonde son, who doesn't even look like a frigging Tracy may I add, was born with a stick up his ass or something!"

Tin Tin smirked to herself. "He got all up tight and personal this afternoon with Scott and your father. Something about Penelope crying, it was all a bit odd actually."

"Anything to do with John, is odd Tin Tin."

"No but, oh, I don't know. John really took offence. I don't think I've ever seen him really angry, apart from maybe with you.

Alan smiled triumphantly.

"The argument went upstairs to your father's office-"

Alan wiped off his smile and listened intently.

"- Apparently they were really shouting at each other. Then he stormed out of the room."

"Well John's little tantrums are like little girly hissy fits, it was probably nothing spectacular, the man hasn't any balls you know. Now me, well-"

"I don't care about your Oscar winning tantrums Alan,

"Well actually I was talking about...."

Tin Tin cut him off "I just care about you coming home."

"Yeah, well, it won't be long now. Dad talked to me before while John was travelling back."

"And?" Tin Tin asked excitedly, her smile creeping up on the corners of her lips.

"Dad says I'm to come home next week. I told dad I don't like it up in space. Said I rather go into the air force, you know like Scott did. He said he was gonna sort some kinda plans out for further education and all. I hate it how Scott gets to always go to the main land for dad for the business all the time. It should be someone with dashing good looks, like me!"

"But isn't that because he's a bit more grown up than you and has people and social skills?"

"No, it's because Scott kisses dad's ass. Anyway, I have the best manners and social skills out the whole lot of us."

Tin Tin coughed and gave him a look.

"Err, apart from you my darling."

"So you promise you'll be home soon?"

"Sure, I have dad wrapped round my finger. And before you know it, your legs will be wrapped around my hips and I'll shag you so hard, that Brains will want to know why you'll have problems walking."

"You're a dirty boy Alan-" Tin Tin purred before she looked at Alan's stunned face and spun round to the person who had just walked into the kitchen.

Tin Tin looked in horror at John who she realised had probably heard the last few sentences or more and froze with embarrassment, her face and body turning a bright red.

Alan had panicked a second when he saw the familiar face of his most favourite brother and had frowned as Tin Tin froze unable to look at either John or himself.

John walked up to the screen and Alan saw the fuming, ghost like form of John, a malicious smile on his lips.

"You think your so smart Alan, you think the whole fucking world should bow down before you and go on your command. Well let me tell you that things don't happen like that, okay. Sometimes life is a bitch and right now yours is about to become the biggest. I really hope you enjoy your extend time up in Thunderbird Five –."

Alan's face suddenly contorted in a look of puzzlement.

John turned to Tin Tin with a smirk on his lips. "How'd you like that Tin Tin? Might not get laid for a while, what a shame."

"What the fuck are you talking about dic face?" Alan spoke, his voice getting angry.

"I'm saying, dic face, that my position as astronaut for International Rescue is over, I quit. Unless dad has a kind heart and relives you once in a while up in space, you'll being seeing an awful lot of the stars dear brother; I hope you don't get too bored."

"Wait a minute, John. You have a duty to your father, to everything he's done for you!" Tin Tin finally spoke up firmly.

John looked over to Tin Tin and spoke with venom. "Don't you dare talk to me like you're my mother-"

If John had been watching, he would have seen the sore look on Alan's face about their mother. One, because of the jealousy Alan had had over the way John spoke about Lucy and the fact that he'd never been able to love her like John had.

He had once been told by Josie to not talk about their mother in front of John, for reasons unexplained. He knew it was a sore topic for all the family, especially for their dad. Christ, he could never look into his father's eyes on the anniversary of Lucy's death, as he was sure his father's sadness could've killed him. As much as Jeff Tracy told his son that he was not the blame of his mother's death, there was that part of Alan that had never believed his father's words and of course there was always John to remind him that he was to blame.

Why? Why was John always blaming him? Why did John think he was so special and that their mother's death hurt him the most? Alan had always put it down to some kind of attention seeking.

Blinking away his troubled thoughts, Alan looked over to Tin Tin and wasn't too sure if she really knew how much John had been affected by Lucy's death, but right now he didn't have the heart to stop her rant, just so he could get a dig at John on behalf of Tin Tin.

"You don't have the balls to quit John. Being an astronaut is your life. You wouldn't give it up so easily."

"At the moment Alan, I have nothing in my life. I wish people would realize this!"

John and Alan's voice had grown loud again.

"You fucking dick head you can't quit!"

"Oh what's wrong? Are we panicking now? Thinking we'll be stuck in space like John always is?"

"You can't, you-" Alan half growled, half sighed and for once had nothing to say.

"You heartless bastard. How can you do this!?" Tin Tin cried, tears forming up in her eyes at the belief of not being able to see her lover anytime soon.

"You're bluffing."

All eyes turned to the new voice that entered the conversation.

"You wouldn't leave John, would you?"

John didn't know what to say to Penelope. He was fuming from Tin Tin calling him a bastard, but suddenly soothed when he heard that beautiful, crisp voice. His idea was to spite Alan, not hurt himself.

Her face was filled with worry as she clutched her silk robe around her neck.

Suddenly, a part of John wished he'd never spoken.

"I think it would be wise for you to go to bed Tin Tin, don't you?" Penelope spoke.

Tin Tin looked up to Penelope and then to Alan.

"It's not a request Tin Tin. I'm telling you, you should go to bed." Penelope's voice was little bit sterner.

"Don't talk to Tin Tin like that Penelope!" Alan spoke aggressively.

"Listen here Alan Tracy." Penelope spoke, pointing her finger to the screen. "You never talk to me with a raised voice again do you here me. You respect your elders."

"Your not even part of the bloody family yet! I'll talk to you how I want to talk to you!"

"THAT'S IT!!!" John roared walking out the kitchen door and passed Josie who was entering.

Everyone watched John storm off.

Penelope took after him.

"What in on earth is going on down here!?" Josie Tracy came into the kitchen, hands on hips. "I can't get a wink of sleep because I can hear you all making too much noise! It's 2.30 in the morning!"

None of the younger generations had anything to say apart from Alan.

"Penelope and John are pissing me off!"

"Alan, watch you language young man!"

"John, wait, wait!"

John came to a halt in the corridor, a fair distance from the kitchen.

"John?" Penelope asked quietly, coming closer to him.

John looked at her miserably but didn't say anything.

"I'm sorry for the way I acted tonight."

"I've forgotten about." John replied. It was a lie, but it seemed like a good thing to say.

"What you said to Alan? Is it true? Are you leaving?"

This was the hard question. John himself didn't know if it was a joke he'd produced to get back at the little shit, but deep down, John wanted to spread his wings and leave. The problem was it was exactly the thing that his father or brothers knew he wouldn't do. He was the sensible one, he was the one who would always stay and fight the cause, no matter if he'd only just come to terms that he'd always had the short straw all along. He was the one who was quiet, the one who just did as he was told. The one who never got what he wanted, not at his birthdays, not at school and not even his dreams.

"I'm leaving."

Penelope looked saddened. "For good?"

"I don't know?" John mumbled quietly. "Nothing that I do is ever good enough for anyone. I don't know what I'm doing hanging around? I'm not even good enough for my father Penny."

"John that's not true!"

"Is it not? I'm not even good enough for you, that's what my father seems to think and by the looks of it you..."

Penelope was shocked. Her mouth was frozen in an 'o' position and tears were filling up in her eyes. It was true. Jeff had never favoured John for anything and when it had come to down to suitors, Jeff had controlled everything, even her own feelings, her own heart. He'd made her believed she loved Scott. She wasn't going to say it was all lies, because she did love Scott, she learnt to love him. Of course John and Penny had their little secret, but there hadn't been enough time to let Jeff Tracy know, before his owns plans had come into everything.

Then it had been a very abrupt expedition for John to get back up to Thunderbird Five. What had Jeff said? Something to do with immediate mechanics and programming? Hadn't Brains thought it was unnecessary and Alan had thought it was hilarious? Didn't Josie shake her sadden face and leave the conversation, overlooking her son with confusion? Then John had just stood there nodding and not saying anything at all. Then it had seemed like an awfully long time John was away, a time when Jeff had insisted, Thunderbird Five was to be checked, piece by piece for precise working order and no mal functioning by John and John alone. Come to think of it, it may have been months.

Penelope had no words. Her speech had just left her. She wrapped her arms around John's neck and silently cried into him. Something that shocked her was to feel how fragile John was. He had always been a slim person but this was ridiculous. He was now easily the smallest frame of brother. After a moment, she tilted her tear stained face to him, leaning forwards and opening her lips to his. John leant back and unravelled her arms from his neck. Penelope looked on in confusion and sadness.

"You're making things difficult." John spoke softly.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything. Your father wouldn't have sent you away if I hadn't been around....and with you."

"He knew."

"You knew?"

"I figured I was being sent away because he knew about us."

"And you didn't do anything, rebel against the idea?"

"What could I do? I can't win against my father. At first I did believe there was work to be done, then father always cut the conversation short when I asked if I was coming home soon."

"Oh John, why? God."

"It doesn't matter any more."

John looked down to the kitchen and saw the light was still radiating underneath the kitchen door.

Maybe Alan's had a few words from Grandma?

Penelope looked the same way and saw Josie looking on at them, her fragile frame showing no signs of anything.

"Stay safe Pen."

"What?" Penelope mumbled as she noticed John had already started moving back down to the kitchen.

Josie looked at her middle grandchild and sighed sadly.

"Is this how it's meant to be John? Please tell me I'm not losing you?"

"You'll never lose me Grandma, but, I've got to get out of here."

Josie let a tear escape her eye and held out her hands to John. John took them and squeezed them lightly before bending down and kissing her cheek. He felt bad feeling the old hands in his, knowing that his Grandmother was not getting any younger and time and her family were starting to seem like a precious gift that she was gradually losing.

"I'll miss you. Don't wake Dad, let him sleep" He spoke before taking another corridor and leaving the scene.