Title: Letters
Author: Druscilla Ryan
Rating: PG-13, though may make it to 'R' later
Genre: Humor (Hehehe, confused you all)
Disclaimer: Don't own HP characters. I give credit to story format to The Shoebox Project.
Summary: Sirius, James, Remus, Lily, (and possibly uggghhh...Peter) write letters to each other over the summer.
Dedication: Small dedication. '2' in the first letter goes to Pesha. (You'll understand in a moment.)
A/N: Notes with switch from italics to bold so you don't lose yourself amongst the letters.

Letters
Part One

'Dearest Padfoot,
While I cannot tell you how thrilled I am you mistakenly sent my Prongs' love leter and badly written cheap porn, I am returning said letter along with some words of advice.
1.) Always double check your envelopes and letters.
2.) Never use the word 'turgid' again.
3.) Although I know you never with to 'seperate' from Prongs, the correct spelling is 'separate'.
4.) Do not sign your letters X's and O's. It makes you look like a sad, desperate girl. I know you wish to be perceived as neither.
Sincerely,
Mssr. Moony'

'Sirius,
I can't believe you were going to tell him that! I thought it was a secret. What goes on behind closed doors and all that. However, I am returning said letter for the looking on Moony's face when he reads it is not one I wish to deny him.
And for the record, I do not scream like a girl, Sirius Black.
I love you.
Yours entirely,
James'

'Moony,
It is so terribly sd you do not enjoy my wonderful, amazing sex stories. (Not badly written porn cheap porn, you insane werewolf.) If you say anything of teh sosrt again, Mssr. Moony, I will being singing 'Hungry Like the Wolf' again everytime I see you.
However, that aside, I seek your academic and friendly advice. Pretend you're gay, Moon (which we all know you are) and ask yourself this question:
Would jeans or leather trousers be the better wear in the conquestion of Seducing James Henry Potter?
Sincerely yours,
Mssr. Padfoot'

'Prongs,
Still not giving Sirius any? You better do something soon because I don't know how many more his 'pretend you're gay, Moony', 'I'm so horny, Moony', 'I love him so much, but he's so damn chaste, Moony' letters I can stand. The bloody wanker. Why doesn't he write to Lily? At least the three of you are attracted to men. I'm not.
No offense, Prongs. If I were gay, you would be the first man to know. There was a wink there, but only because I'm drinking wine.
Yours sincerely,
Mssr. Moony'

'Sirius,
Is our sex life really any of Moony's business? I understand he's our friend, but isn't there a point where sharing is more an annoyance than anything else?
I miss you. When do you think we can meet up? Owl me with details, you wanker.
Yours forever,
James'

'James,
Our sex life isn't any of Moony's business. Unfortunately, there is no sex life to speak of, therefore my frustration of the non-existant sex life can be classified as Moony's business, mainly for the fact that friends should be there to share other friend's problems. Do you agree, Prongs?
On the other hand, if there were to be a sex life, then it would be none of Moony's business. Of course, Moony is a nosy git and would get all details out of me by prying to the end. (Which, coincedently, if you hear him speak of anything we have done, that is the reasoning for it.)
I'm game to sneak out of the house whenever, dearest James. Get permission from your parents though. They love you and will let you do anything. (Plus they love me and which for our love to end up with marriage and lots and lots of babies. Of course, to have babies there's a required three-letter long act that must take place first.)
Yours (still chaste and hating it),
Sirius

P.S. I love you'

'Remus,
Pay up. It's been three months and they still have not had sex. I'll meet you at midnight outside your house to claim my prize.
Love,
Lily'

'Remus,
I must borrow your anatomy book immediately. It is a wizard anatomy book, correct? Where does a baby go when a man gets pregnant (not that you have anything to worry about)? Is that a dumb question? I don't recall Madame Pomfrey going over that one fourth year. And don't you even suggest 'asking my mother', you mother-hugging git. I remember her nearly having a fit and needing to be committed when I asked if two men could have sex with each other.
Sincerely,
Mssr. Padfoot

P.S. If you tell Sirius I asked about this, I'll kill you.'

'Lily,
Remus hasn't been answering any of my letters and they are of vital importance. Will you please give him a poke--wherever you wish, I leave this question open to interpretation--and tell him it's not going to break his nails to crack open an envelope.
So, how has your summer been, my dear girl? Seen any cute blokes? Meet any? Flirted? I bet you have, you little . . . I'll just trail off at the end of that sentence. It's much safer. You know I love you, Lil.
Sincerely,
Sirius'

'Sirius,
I am to assume you are responsible for said poke to 'places that ought not be mentioned on paper'. What's wrong with you? Of course I was going to answer your letters. I just had to visit some relatives. Answers to questions in order of being asked:
1.) Jeans, not leather trousers. We tried that on Halloween. You looked like a prostitute, and not in a good way.
2.) No, I do not think the Imperius Curse is a good idea.
3.) Yes, I know you were joking about above question.
4.) You make me sad, Sirius, you really do. I do not think that swimming naked in James' backyard will make him want to shag you anymore. (He's already seen you naked and you haven't even rounded third base yet. Keep your clothes on.)
5.) No, I do not think a tattoo would make you more desirable.
6.) No, I will not help you with your sexual problems in a 'friendly way'.
7.) Refuse to answer this question.
8.) Yes, I love you.
9.) No, I will not clear up the statement 'werewolves do it better'.
Sincerely,
Mssr. Moony'

'Sirius,
Werewolves do it better. I would know.
Yours sincerely (and not so chaste),
Lily'

'Sirius,
Mum says this weekend is fine. I'm inviting Lily, Remus, and Peter to come an hour or so after you. Don't get any ideas, you damn dog.
I love you very much. If you bring over another condom, I'm going to ram it somewhere and you won't like it.
Yours forever,
James

P.S. No, you won't.
P.P.S. I love you.
P.P.P.S. No, Sirius, you won't bloody like it!'