Title: Letters: Part Two: Jackets and Fellatio
Author: Druscilla Ryan
Rating: A higher sort of PG-13
Disclaimer: Don't own HP characters, most greviously.
Summary: James demands jacket. Sirius demands sex. Lily suggests something else. Remus gets agitated.

LETTERS
Part Two: Jackets and Fellatio

'James,
You are never getting your jacket back! Ever! (Insert evil laugh here as cunning villianess rubs her hands together in an evil manner.)
You are such a bloody pervert, James Potter! Don't even try an tell me you weren't thinking it. For a gay man you spend a lot of time thinking dirty things of the opposite sex.
Sincerely,
The Crafty Jacket Stealing Villianess, Lily

P.S. You may not want your jacket back after you discover what acts I (and your good friend, Remus) commited in it.'

'Lily,
I want my jacket back despite what villianous, sexual acts you and Moony committed while wearing said clothing article.
Don't you know my favorite uncle bough me that jacket right before he died?
Sincerely,
James'

'James,
Remus says that a load of dragon dung. He was with you when you bought previously discussed jacket for five Sickles at a second-hand shop. (We will leave topic of discussion for time being until one James Potter admits he is a liar.)
By the way, Sirius keeps owling my boyfriend and asking for seduction/sex advice. You may want to look into the art of fellatio. (Just a word of advice, however. Don't swallow. It tastes vulgar.)
Sincerely,
Lily

P.S. Don't tell Remus I said that.'

'Moony,
I thought you were supposed to be my friend. Telling Lily about my jacket? Shame on you, mate. By the way, you said no bird had ever gone down on you. You are such a nasty liar, Moony.
Off to write Padfoot.
Sincerely,
Mssr. Prongs

P.S. What the hell is fellatio?'

'Sirius,
What's this I hear about you pestering Moony for 'seduction/sexual advice' (Lily's words, not mine)? Is somebody feeling horny? Neglected? Upset that I've been making them wank alone for nearly three months?
I have a surpise for you this weekend.
Yours,
James

P.S. I love you'

'Dearest Prongs,
My girlfriend can withhold sex. You can withhold nothing. Secondly, it is none of your business what sexual acts I have or have not engaged in with said 'bird'. Thirdly, fellatio is a blowjob you uneducated wank.
Most sincerely,
Mssr. Moony'

'Prongsy,
Did I ever mention how much I love you? And that I have absolutely no intention of rushing you into sex before you want it? That being said, how can you not want it you chaste herbivore? Do you really enjoy wanking alone in the shower? Thats sad, Prongs, very sad indeed.
I've just had a letter from Lily demanding I buy you another jacket so you stop 'bitching' at her and throwing a 'drama queen hissy fit'. Isn't that the jacket you wanted to get rid of so badly? Tsk, tsk, Prongs. (I'm so proud of you.)
Only two more days until I can see you. So happy. I love you so much. So so much.
Yours eternally and forever and without further ado,
Sirius

P.S. I did go a bit overboard on the word 'so' in that last line, didn't I?

P.P.S. Did I mention I love you?'

'Lily,
So, you gave James the hint to give me head, huh? I'll make sure you're buried with that jacket if that's what you wish.
Yours with gratitude and anything you request,
Sirius'

'Lily,
Love of my life, most beautiful woman. What the bloody hell did you tell James to give Sirius head for? And why is he asking me what it feels like and if Sirius likes it? And why is Sirius owling me to ask what it feels like and all sorts of other embarassing questions?
Loving you despite the toll,
Remus'

'Remus,
Well, I could stop doing it. They might desist the question asking if there is nothing left to question.
Yours,
Lily'

'Lily,
Don't ever joke about that.
Yours,
Remus'

'Sirius,
Not everybody has the sexual appetite of an extremely large horny dragon, you bloody wank. That being said, I do enjoy wanking in the shower, although I much prefer it when someone else (that's you) is in the shower with me. (Oh, dear, this letter isn't Moony's is it?)
Just kidding, love. Calm down. Deep breaths and count to ten. Don't make the face at me, Sirius. Sirius Black! Stop it. I was joking. I never want to join Moony in the shower, nor Lily, nor Peter, nor anyone but the man who radiates sex, one Sirius Black. Yes, you. Can you breathe now? I must find some way to remove my lips from your arse.
Yours,
James

P.S. I love you.'

'James,
You do not need to remove your lips from my arse. I like them there. You can leave them as long as you can be apart from them. (Which is tomorrow, thank the heathen gods.) So, Moony, eh? I thought he struck your fancy.
And just so you know, I was not seeing read when you made those remarks. I was quite happy, although that's due to the mass quantities of liquor floating around in my system. I'll be sure to send you a much more angry letter (or give you a severe talking to, perhaps with added spanking) when alcohol has left my body.
Most agreviously, I must go, my dearest Prongs. Mother's screaming something about Muggles in the house across the street and I must make sure her wand doesn't backfire on company.
Yours forever and till eternity breaks,
Sirius

P.S. I love you more.'


Note to my lovely readers. All of the story is told through letters. Therefore we never actually see any action whatsoever (if there is any). I tell all through letters. (It's quite fun.) Oh, and let me know if the letters are confusing in any way. I don't include them all.