Title: The Letters: Part Three: Lily-The-Not-So-Chaste
Author: Me!
Disclaimer: Don't own HP characters
Summary: Sirius and James exchange surprises. Lots of short letters back and forth...Sirius and Lily bicker.
Dedication: For Stacey DC.

LETTERS
Part Three: Lily-The-Not-So-Chaste

'Lily,
Thank you so much for your wonderful care package. I am now grounded until further notice and my mother fainted when she realized that her son was gay. Was it really necessary to include porn? Couldn't you have just sent the condoms and things? They wouldn't have deduced from that.
-James'

'James,
I am going to kill you. I swear to God. And you never said anything the entire time I was talking to your mother. And she already knows you're gay. I'm telling Remus!
-Lily'

'Sirius,
No, I love you more.
Yours,
James'

'Moony,
You're girlfriend accidently sent your letter to me. I'm sending it to you. Pretend I never read the letter. Please, I'm begging you.
-Padfoot'

'Mssr. Padfoot,
What, no running commentary this time?
Sincerely,
Mssr. Moony'

'Mssr. Moony,
Hell no. Your girlfriend scares the hell out of me.
Sincerely yours,
Mssr. Padfoot'

'James,
Wow. Wasn't that the most wonderful three and a half hours ever? Until my parents came and practically broke down your door, that is? Wow. I didn't know that you could fit THAT much in your mouth. What other tricks do you have up your sleeve, Prongs? Vibrating fingers?
I love you so much. I did tell you that yesterday, didn't I? But, putting the amazing blowjob aside . . . I do love you, very much. Our anniversary is in two days. And you looked so cute afterwards, when we were just lying in your bed holding each other. I love your hair when it's got all that sweat running through it. It's so beautiful, James.
Now I must go owl Lily and get an idea of how to return the favor. See you on Wednesday, Prongsy.
I love you so so so so so so much!
X's & O's,
Sirius'

'Sirius,
X's & O's? Sometimes you make me naseous. Normally I would say that you don't have to return the favor, but if the look on your face was any indication of how good that must feel, I bloody DEMAND you return the favor, and possibly with interest.
My mother knows what went on, I think. She's not as thick as you think she is, Padfoot. She mentioned immediately after you left that it might be a good idea to wash my sheets. And then she had Dad give me a talk about birth control, although I know more about gay birth control than he does. (Even though I don't know where the baby goes. Sirius, you have to tell me where the baby goes when a guy gets pregnant because I don't know and Moony hasn't sent me his anatomy book yet.)
Anyway, I'm rambling once again. I love you more, Sirius, without all the so's because they can be pretty damn annoying. Love you, you annoying git.
Yours forever,
James'

'Moony,
Where does the baby go when a guy gets pregnant? I was just teasing Prongs. I really have no idea where the hell it goes.
Sincerely,
Mssr. Padfoot'

'Dearest Padfoot,
How the hell should I know? I'm not gay and have no intention of getting pregnant. I'll send James the anatomy book and you can ask him.
Sincerely,
Mssr. Moony'

'Most Dearest and Amazing Moony,
It's that time of the month, isn't it? Poor, poor Moony.
Yours with the upmost sincerity,
Mssr. Padfoot'

'Sirius,
There is no way in hell I'm getting pregnant. And if I'm the bottom (and I'll will be if you get your bloody way) we are using every form of birth control known to man.
Yours,
James (who absolutely refuses under any circumstances whatsoever to get pregnant)

P.S. I love you.'

'James,
Well, I'm not getting pregnant. And you're damn right that YOU'RE the bottom. I'm the top. I'm the only one who knows what's going on half the time, anyway.
Yours,
Sirius (who loves you very much and is just teasing and can fit a WHOLE banana in his mouth now)'

'Sirius,
I request that you return the magazine and book I lent you immediately. I know now what a bad idea it was to give you dirty stories and pictures you can wank to. It will never happen again. And there had better not be anything on the pages, cover, spine, etc.
Sincerely,
Lily'

'Lily,
Returning magazine and book. I did not wank to either of them, you ridiculous girl who wants to be THAT much closer to my bodily fluids. I have much more profane, graffic pictures to wank to. (And I know you're just upset that mine is longer than your boyfriend's so HA!)
Sincerely,
Padfoot'

'Sirius,
A whole banana? Wow.
Yours forever and eternally and neverending,
James'

'Moony,
Haven't written you a letter in two days. Am sending one now. I will be at James' in less than fifteen minutes. There is really nothing to tell you except that your girlfriend is now desperate to become male. (She finally realized that not even you, my most refine Moony, are a match for the sex god that is Sirius Orion Black. I expect her tonight. She made a Polyjuice Potion and is going to be a gorgeous naked male at my beck and call. Have no worries, I will return her to you when the Potion wears off.)
Sincerely,
Mssr. Padfoot'

'Padfoot,
Go fuck yourself.
Most sincerely,
Moony'

'Sirius,
Oh, please, please, please don't tell Remus ever again the secret plans we make with each other. By the way . . . you're insane. Get help.
Sincerely,
Lily (who wishes she had a cool nickname)'

'Sirius,
Wow. That was . . . wow. You're amazing. How did you . . . Never mind, I don't want to know. Well, I think I do. But don't answer the question.
I love you forever and until the ends of the earth meet the ends of the moon and the sands of time are all blown to hell.
Yours forever and ever and ever,
James'

'James,
So how long until the joy of blowjobs wear off and we get to have sex?
Just joking.
Yours,
Sirius'

'Lily,
I shall now refer to you as 'Lily-The-Not-So-Chaste'. You now have a cool nickname.
Yours,
Padfoot (who's nickname is much, much cooler)'

'Padfoot,
Don't you mean 'Lily-Who-Is-Getting-More-Than-You'?
Yours,
Lily-Who-Is-Getting-More-Than-You'

'Lily-The-Not-So-Chaste,
Sod off.
Yours,
Padfoot-Who-Gives-Much-Better-Head-Than-You'

'Sirius,
Stop pissing Lily off.
Yours,
James'