Chapter Fourteen
Now
I'm miserable. They're not letting me see Aurora. I don't know if I really want to see her, she looked so awful. This isn't Aurora, there must be some mistake. I know that the girl the police brought back isn't Aurora.
Lying to myself never works.
I can't forgive myself for what I'm doing to Darry. Killing him. I would call and apologize, but he won't understand. No one understands. They don't know how much I hurt.
The door opened, and Leonardo stuck his head in.
"Hey Pony. They've finally realized how much the food here sucks, and they've ordered pizza. Come on!"
I didn't move. "I'm not hungry."
Leonardo came into the room and sat next to me. "What's wrong?"
"I don't know!" I said. I didn't mean to yell, but I did.
"OK, OK," Leonardo said. "Can I just ask you something?"
"What could it hurt?" I replied.
"Why are you so depressed all of a sudden? Why did you cut yourself?"
I had some questions of my own: why is everyone asking me that? Why can't everyone just shut up? Why won't they leave me alone? I wanted to be alone, and I didn't want to answer Leonardo.
I got up and walked out of the room, Leonardo didn't even try to stop me. I walked aimlessly around the asylum. I didn't realize I was crying until a tear ran off my face, and landed on my shirt. Another one followed. I kept walking, sobbing shamelessly. That wasn't such a weird sight in an asylum, or at least I didn't think so. Apparently, some nurses did. They came over and started talking to me. Talking in those soothing voices that they always use. Can't they just speak normally?
"What's wrong?" Nameless nurse one asked. "Why are you crying?"
I didn't answer because I didn't know.
"You're Pony, aren't you?" Nameless nurse two asked.
"Uh-huh," I sobbed.
"Come on," Nameless nurse on said. "You can get something to eat."
"I don't want to," I said. "I want to be alone."
"You can go to your room then," Nameless nurse two said.
"Leonardo will be there, he'll want to talk," I said. "I don't want to talk, I want to be alone. I just want to be alone!"
The nurses started babbling in their annoying soothing voices again. I hardly heard them, I was too busy crying. One of them got on a two-way radio, and a few minutes later, Dr. Murphy showed up. He took me to my room and gave me some medicine. He said that it would make me feel better. He left after that.
I was finally alone, and I had nothing to do but cry. I laid on my bed and cried myself to sleep.
Dr. Murphy's Sessions With Ponyboy Curtis
Doctor Murphy: You were very upset last night, Ponyboy.
Ponyboy Curtis: Yes, I was.
DM: Why?
PC: I don't know why! Why do I always have to know?
DM: I want to help you, Ponyboy. That's why I ask you these things.
PC: You don't understand. No one understands.
DM: But I do, Ponyboy. You see, when I was seven I got appendicitis.
PC: That has so much to do with me.
DM: Let me finish. My family was very poor. My mother and father both had to work very hard to pay for the operation. My mother worked in a factory; that was the only place she could find a job. One day, her hair got caught in one of the machines, it pulled her scalp off, and she died. I thought it was all my fault. My father didn't do anything to help me. I went through my life until college feeling awful; I thought I'd killed my mother. One of my teachers noticed that I wasn't acting quite right, so he asked if I wanted to talk. I wound up telling him everything. It took several years, but I got over thinking that I'd killed my mother.
PC: What does this have to do with me?
DM: Two things. One, I don't want you to suffer as long as I had to. Two, I know how you feel. I know what it's like, it seems like there's nothing wrong, but you're miserable.
Here there is a long pause
PC: I let her down.
DM: Let who down?
PC: Aurora. I promised that I'd always take care of her, treat her like a sister, and make sure that no harm came to her. I broke my promise, I let her down. Now look at her, it's my fault. I've been trying to blame her mother, but I know that I'm the one responsible.
DM: From what you've told me, Ponyboy, you don't sound like the one that's to blame. Her mother really does…
PC: If I'd treated her like a sister, she wouldn't have left. I wouldn't have let her. She wouldn't be here right now; she'd be dancing or acting, like it was meant to be. Not stuck in this place. I know she's dying, Doc, I've heard people talking. I know about the injection.
DM: Pony, you tried to be not only a best friend, but a father to Aurora. Because of that, you're taking this very hard, and I wish that you'd realize that you didn't do this to Aurora, and neither did her mother. She did it to herself.
DM: What do you think of the injection, Pony?
PC: Go ahead. I don't care anymore. I've lost my parents; why not just take my best friend too? Why not take everything I ever had?
Here there is a long pause
PC: I don't want her to hurt. Not like I am. Will it hurt when she dies?
DM: No one knows for sure, but it's supposed to be painless.
PC: I don't know. You're asking me if I want my best friend to die. No, I don't, but I also don't want her to suffer. I don't know what to say.
DM: This probably isn't the best thing to talk about right now.
PC: No. What was that pill you gave me yesterday?
DM: An anti-depressant. Did it make you feel better?
PC: It made me tired.
DM: One of the side effects.
The phone starts ringing
DM: Excuse me, Pony. Our time is over, anyway. You can go.
End Tape.
Exert from Ponyboy's Memory
Aurora and I were thirteen. It was February, flu season. Aurora had been complaining about not feeling well, and I told her that maybe she should take it easy, not go to some of her dance classes or something. She wouldn't hear of it.
I really wasn't surprised when she came over at around nine. Her mom wasn't home from work yet. I was doing homework, and everyone else was watching TV. Mom was in the kitchen, washing dishes. The door opened, and I looked up. It was Aurora. She looked awful, her skin was almost sheet white, and her eyes were bloodshot. She walked over to the couch and sat down next to me.
"Pony, I don't feel good," she whined.
Mom came out of the kitchen and saw Aurora sitting next to me. That weird mom instinct told her that something was wrong.
"Aurora, honey, are you feeling alright?" Mom asked.
"No," she replied.
I got off the couch so Aurora could lie down. Mom did all the typical parent stuff. Brought her a pillow and blanket, asked how long she'd been feeling bad and was her mother home. Then she took her temperature. By the look on her face, I could tell Aurora had a fever and a pretty high one. By then dad had walked over. They talked quietly and then dad nodded.
"OK boys," dad said to everyone watching TV. "I don't mean to be rude, but if you've got a place to stay tonight would you mind leaving? Aurora's sick."
"They can crash at my place," Two-Bit said as everyone stood up.
They left as quietly as they could. Once they'd left it was just me, mom, dad, and Aurora. Darry was at a friend's house, and Soda had left with everyone else.
"Are you sure you don't need anything, Aurora?" Mom asked.
"I'm fine," Aurora replied. She was half asleep.
"I'm sorry we just have the couch," mom said.
"Better than home," Aurora said.
After a few minutes, Aurora was asleep. I finished my homework and then sat with her until Soda came home.
"Is she OK?" he asked.
"It's probably just the flu," I said.
I read in the paper where some people had died from the flu. It was all old people, though. Aurora would probably be fine. I looked at her. She was so skinny, and she looked helpless. Suddenly, I wasn't so sure that she'd be fine.
"Dally's really worried about her," Soda said. "He doesn't want anyone to know, but he is."
"She'll be fine," I said. I said it more to myself than to Soda.
"I'll tell Dally. I'm crashing at Two-Bit's. Tell mom and dad, OK?"
I nodded and Soda left. I went to bed after a few minutes, but took me a while to fall asleep because I was worried about Aurora.
I woke up a few hours later. I looked at the clock; 3:30. What had woken me up? I laid awake, and then I heard someone coughing. It took me a minute, but then I remembered that Aurora was sick. I wondered if she was OK. I got up and walked into the living room.
"Aurora, are you OK?" I asked.
Her only reply was more coughing. I sat down on the couch and cuddled her. I could tell she had a fever; her skin was so hot, it was almost burning me.
"Aurora," I said again.
She didn't reply, so I guessed she was probably asleep. She looked so helpless.
"It's OK," I said softly, "I'm gonna take care of you."
Aurora sighed. I didn't know if she'd heard me or not, but it made me feel better; less worried about her.
It took Aurora a week or two to get over the flu. Her mom didn't care that she'd left. In fact, I don't think that she even noticed she was gone until the last few days. We kept telling her to fake sick so she wouldn't have to go home, but she wouldn't do it. She needed to get back to school or something. Aurora hadn't heard me when I was talking to her that night, but that didn't matter to me. I promised myself that I'd always take care of Aurora, that I'd treat her like a sister.
And I broke my promise.
