THE JOURNAL OF RACETRACK HIGGINS CH 13 ~ Depression

Disclaimer: Slash… Don't like it?  Don't read it!  Don't own Race or Newsies or anything else! 

A/N: a few days late… oh well… Enjoy!

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3/23/04

I hate the world right now.  How many months till I leave?  Only five?  Good.  I can't wait to get away from this hell that is my life.

I can't take it anymore.  I really can't.  It seems like every time I go outside, my mom is watching me through her glaring eyes.  I can feel them on me even if I'm not facing my house.  She must feel a need to torture me even more than she already has.

It's not fair.  Why can't I have two normal, loving parents that accept me for who I am?  Yes, my dad does, but he's in fuckin' California!

Another thing- those damn homophobic jocks at school.  I cannot go one damn period without someone saying 'faggot' or worse to me.  Just once I want to not be made fun of for a whole day.

…I just want to be normal…

These past few days, I've just recessed from everything.  After school, I lock myself in my room and blast my music.  During that time, I just lay in bed, staring at the ceiling or write.  I stay in my room until dinner, but then I come right back up here.  I don't really even eat.  I haven't eaten a full meal in two days.

Spot's worried.  I know he is.  Today in the car home he asked me, but I bit his head off.

"Race, what's wrong?  Please tell me.  I want to help."

"Nothing is wrong with me" I barked back, annoyed.  "Mind your own fuckin' business."

He just looked at me for a second.  "Race, I'm just-"

I cut him off.  "Didn't you hear me?  This conversation is over.  Stay outta my life."

After I said that, Spot's face looked like he'd just been slapped.  I regretted my words but I wasn't going to take them back.

"Fine.  If that's the way you want it, then you can have it."  He said, after a few seconds of silence.  Then he got out of the car and walked into the house.

I just sat there, stunned at my own words and actions.  Finally, I gathered my books and ran inside.  I ignored everyone and ran up to my room and slammed the door.

Which brings me to now.  Mrs. Conlon is calling me for dinner, but I ain't hungry so I'm gonna skip.  Plus I really don't feel like facing Spot.

I hate my life.

~Racetrack

3/25/04

Yet another day of seclusion in my room.  I had actually convinced Mrs. Conlon to let me stay home from school.  So today consisted of music blasting, TV on, and me lying on my bed.  I actually ate though… a whole bag of popcorn.

I don't know what's going on with me.  I don't want to do anything besides being by myself.  Being with friends really isn't fun anymore because I have to put on an act that I'm happy when I'm not.

And Spot?  We've barely said ten words to each other since my outburst on Tuesday.  It's killing me inside that we are fighting, but I just can't bring myself to apologize.  I want to talk to him, but I just can't deal with anything anymore.

Later.

~Racetrack

3/26/04

I officially hate my life.  I no longer have anything worth living for.

Here's what happened…

After dinner tonight (or for me, the non-existent dinner), Spot came and knocked softly on my door.

"Can I come in?"

I groaned loudly, but said, "Sure, it's open."

He opened the door and walked in.  He went over to my stereo, turned down the volume a bit, and sat on my chair.  I sat up in my bed and stared at him.  He took a deep breath and started talking.

"Race… I'm really worried 'bout ya.  Can ya please just let me in a little bit?"

"Do you ever give up?"  I snapped at him, inwardly wincing at the harshness in my tone.  "God, how many times do I have to tell you?"

He held up his hands in defeat.  "Don't bit my head off Race!  I care 'bout ya.  I don't like ta see ya like this."

"Oh, now you're really breakin' my heart. [1]" I said, sarcastically.

Spot turned toward me and looked at me for a few seconds before dropping his head.

"Race, I'm just trying to help.  But you keep pushing me away.  How am I supposed to be with you if you keep doing this?  These past few days, we've barely spoken."  He looked up at me again, locking eyes.  "I'm not saying this will be forever, but I think we should take a break from our relationship."

I felt like the wind was knocked out of me.  Even though I could see it in his eyes, I still said, "You're jokin' right?"

He sadly shook his head and dropped his gaze. "I'm sorry Race.  But… I can't do this."  He sighed and got up, heading for the door.  When he reached the door, he turned around and continued, "When you get out of… whatever it is that you're in, then we can start up again.  I'm sorry."

With that, the love of my life walked out of my door.  Living here now is gonna be hell.  Not to mention totally awkward and extremely hard to deal with.

August can't come any faster…

I hate the world.

~Racetrack

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[1] Kudos to anyone who knows what movie that line is from!

A/N: Okies, ya'll are gonna kill me for this chappie, ain't ya?  lol…  I know it's short.. oh well!

Look for next chapter some time next week.. It's my spring break so hopefully I'll have it up!

… Ya know, I just realized how much I torture poor Racey…  but Depressed!Race is fun to play with!

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~ Braids