Chapter Fourteen
Phoebe stretched and gasped when her foot was met with another foot. She sat up straight and gasped again when she saw Cole lying asleep next to her. 'It wasn't a dream…Leo did bring him back…And we…we…'
Cole woke with a start to find Phoebe holding a hand to her heart and breathing heavily. "What's wrong," he asked quickly as he sat up, "are you hurt?" When she didn't speak, he immediately pulled her into his arms, "Bad dream? It's okay, it can't hurt you."
She let him guide her back down so that she partially lay on him but it was still a few more moments before she found her voice. His heart was beating steadily beneath her ear. "You're really here…"
Unsure from the tone of her voice whether that was a good thing or not, he froze. But as she wasn't fidgeting or trying to move away from him, he began stroking her shoulder and arm. When she snuggled closer, he assured her, "I'm really here."
She'd noticed the way he'd stiffened and then relaxed and knew it was because he didn't know what to make of her comment. The problem was, neither did she and she nuzzled him in frustration. 'God, I'm so confused…'
'Her mixed signals may be the death of me…again…' Groaning a bit louder than he'd intended, he glanced at the clock and suggested, "Why don't you go back to sleep? It's still early and I'm sure your sisters won't be up for a few hours. Not after last night's escapades."
"You don't know the boys…"
Cole felt the wetness on his chest and glanced down in surprise. "Phoebe?"
She wiped the tears from his skin and apologized in a whisper, "I don't know how to get past it."
"Past what?"
"You did terrible things, Cole," she softly said before brushing her lips against his chest. "You," she almost couldn't get the words out, "you killed innocents."
He knew which ones she meant and didn't ask for explanation as he continued to trail his fingers along her shoulder. "I could plead insanity, say it wa--"
"Not funny," she warned, pinching his abs.
"It wasn't meant to be," he agreed, flicking her fingers from the sore spot. Phoebe pressed a kiss to the spot and he combed his fingers through her hair as he quietly went on, "The truth is, I wasn't thinking clearly at the time. I was obsessed. I needed to make you see that you made a mistake in giving up on us."
"On you, you mean."
Cole didn't address the remark and continued, "There was a part of me that wanted to stop but I couldn't and, whether they were good or bad, I knowingly took their lives. The worst part's that there's nothing I can ever do to make up for it. But I wish there was. I'm so sorry, Phoebe, for what I did, to them, to you, to your sisters…You have to believe that."
"I want to," Phoebe whispered. "This was magic," she kissed his chest again, "just like it always was, and I…I'd be lying if I didn't say there's a part of me that wants…"
"I want it too," Cole assured her when she began to cry. "But I can't change the past."
"And we can't stay in this little bubble either," she croaked. "The real world hasn't gone away and we have to face it and all the consequences."
"By that you mean your sisters," he frowned.
"I mean consequences," she disagreed. "Your actions will catch up to you, to us, at some point. Fate will make sure of it. And any actions on my part concerning you will only lead to more consequences."
"Does that have to be a bad thing?"
She shook her head slightly and insisted, "I can't blindly follow my heart anymore. It's caused too much pain already."
"I'm sorry I've done that to you," he apologized.
"It wasn't just you," she murmured.
"Tell me about him," he suddenly said before clarifying, "about your lover."
Confused by the abrupt change in topic and by the request itself, Phoebe sat up, modestly covering herself with the comforter, "I'm not involved with anyone."
"Leo said you were in love," he replied as he also sat up and leaned back against the headboard.
"Leo has a big mouth," she grumbled. But she recognized the look of determination in his eyes and knew he wasn't about to let the matter drop. She sighed, "His name was Jason and we were together just about a year."
"Tell me about him," Cole requested again. "Why aren't you still together?"
"Short story," she shrugged and looked down at her lap, "he couldn't handle me being a witch."
Cole tilted her chin up with his index finger, "Long story this time."
"Why do you want to know?" She shook her head and twisted in her spot so that she didn't face him, "It was just another failed Phoebe romance. Let it go."
"Leo made it seem like you were ready to marry this guy," he argued. She didn't comment and he tried to hold back the shock from his voice, "You would've married him?"
Phoebe heard the disappointment and decided not to remind him of the fact that they were divorced and free to be with others. Instead, she unapologetically revealed, "Jason was a good man, successful, adorable, and he accepted me, quirks and all. And I fell in love with him, even considered moving half-way 'round the world to be with him." She toyed with the hem of her blanket, "So, yeah, if he would've proposed I would've said yes."
Cole closed his eyes as he absorbed the news. Maybe they were divorced and maybe it hadn't been infidelity on her part but why the hell did he feel that way? 'Because I still think of her as my wife,' he answered himself. He opened his eyes and gazed at her bare back, itching to touch her but restraining himself. "Nothing like waking up to a little ego bruising first thing in the morning," he somberly commented.
Phoebe twisted back to face him and retorted, "You asked."
"That I did," he conceded. She was still glaring at him when he asked, "So why didn't it work?"
"I told you, he couldn't handle me being a witch."
"What kind of good man leads you on for a year before deciding it's too much to handle?" he questioned with more than a hint of disdain for the other man.
"It wasn't like that at all. Jason was very patient, waiting for me to figure out what I wanted. He came along right after you d-- He knew I'd been badly hurt and was scared of what was happening between us. Besides," she confessed, "Jason didn't know I was a witch, not until the end, and, believe me, that wasn't a pleasant experience. He needed time to sort things through but finally realized it wouldn't work between us. He loved me but our lives were too different."
"Hurts, doesn't it," Cole quietly remarked, "when the one you love so completely tells you it's not enough."
Phoebe let the dig slide, "I'm not sure it would've been any different if he'd known the truth all along."
"So why didn't he know?"
She thought for a moment before answering, "I didn't plan on falling in love with him and magic had to be a secret. But the more time that went by, the deeper involved we got, I didn't know how to tell him."
"You were afraid he'd reject you because of it," Cole surmised. When, after a few seconds, she silently nodded, he told her, "You can't hide who you are, Phoebe. It's not fair to you or the man you're involved with."
She shrugged, "It's just hard." She suddenly flopped down next to him, wrapping her arm around his waist, one leg over his, "Sometimes I think you're the only one who ever truly knew me, the only one who ever will."
"Maybe the ego's not as bruised as I thought."
Phoebe lightly slapped his chest but the sparkle in his eyes only made her want to grin so she laid her head on his chest to avoid looking at him. The fact that he was still amused didn't help. After a few moments of companionable silence, she warily asked, "What else did Leo say?"
Given that the last conversation went well enough, Cole decided not to hold back, "He may have mentioned you'd had some premonitions about having a baby." He felt her stiffen and made sure she wouldn't pull away by kissing the top of her head. "You don't have to talk about it."
But she knew she'd have to talk about it sooner or later because she, herself, had alluded to the premonitions when they'd talked in the kitchen. Cole's constant touch was a comfort of sorts and, a few minutes later, she began her recollection. "That first one…seeing myself pregnant, came at a time in my life when I needed so badly to believe in a happy future. In it, Piper said I was having a girl and everything seemed so peaceful…All I wanted was to make it come true. Of course, that's also part of the reason I lost my powers."
"I'm can't picture you being that obsessed," he said while lightly stroking her arm.
"Not pretty," she admitted, resisting the urge to make a dig of her own about his obsession. "Speed-dating just to find the father of my child was insane and, you're right, I wasn't fair to those guys or to myself. It took some time and a bit of soul-searching to finally accept the fact that I couldn't force it to happen. If it was meant to happen, it would. And I was okay with it…"
"Until you met the Seer?"
The images flashed through her mind and it was harder for Phoebe to maintain control. Her voice cracked when she answered, "She showed me this other vision, one that was so vivid, so real. I saw her, my little girl, I mean. With beautiful long brown hair and her eyes, God, it was so…I saw her and held her and spoke with her…but now…"
"It will happen."
"Maybe not," she said. "Maybe I lost my one chance to be a mother after I lost…"
Cole brushed away her tears. This wasn't how he'd wanted to get into that conversation with her. But as her tears continued to flow, he found the words spilling from his lips, "Sometimes I hear him crying. I know it's not possible and completely irrational but there are times…Hell, Leo should've chosen Prue…"
"You were his father," Phoebe sniffled. "It's not crazy…or maybe we both are. There are times when I -- dammit," she slapped his chest and shoved herself away, "how could you? How could you turn him evil?"
Cole grabbed her back, in spite of her struggling, and buried his face in the crook of her shoulder. "It was the only way," he hoarsely told her. "The only way to keep him safe, keep you safe. I needed you, Phoebe. I needed you by my side."
"I was at your side," she declared, her voice muffled by his chest. She pulled back to look at him, unconcerned about her runny nose and damp cheeks, and repeated, "I was at your side."
"I know," he whispered, wrapping his arms around her again. Tears stung his eyes, "I'm sorrier than you'll ever know for my part in it."
But Phoebe couldn't speak anymore and clung tightly to him as the years of repressed emotions broke through the shell she'd created for herself as a means of protection. Protection from the pain. She'd wanted that baby. She'd wanted Cole. And a part of her still wanted them even after the hell she and her sisters had been through. 'But I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep wanting them anymore…'
After a few more minutes, once they'd each recovered a bit more, Cole leaned back against the headboard, his arms still around Phoebe. He reached over for a tissue, handed it to her, and, as she blew her nose, he asked, "How are the Avatars involved?"
Relieved for the change in topic, she replied fairly quickly, "In the vision, I told my little girl not to worry about demons because thanks to the Avatars there were no more demons."
"And that's why you believed their offer of a utopia?" She nodded and he kissed her again, "Go back to sleep. The Avatars, Zankou, they're not going anywhere yet. You may get your utopia after all."
"Thought you said there's no such thing," she countered.
"There isn't," he agreed, "but that doesn't mean you can't have your happy future."
"With you?" she asked with more than a bit of hesitation.
'Yes, with me!' Instead, he replied, "With whoever you're meant to be with."
But Phoebe knew what he didn't say and, as she traced invisible circles on his chest, told him, "We need time, Cole. The rules have changed on us again. We need time to learn about each other and get used to the way things are now. But things may not be any different in a few weeks or even a few months. Tell me you understand that. I mean really understand that."
"Rules were meant to be broken," he casually said.
"That's not what I asked," she snapped as she propped herself up in an effort to pull away.
"Don't worry," he quickly assured her, keeping his arm firmly around her to prevent her from moving, "I'm not about to make the same mistakes again. I've been given another chance, Phoebe, and I don't want to risk discovering too late it was my last chance."
"Are you okay?" she suddenly wondered aloud. "I mean with Belthazor."
"I'm whole again," he quietly stated. "But this time, my human half is stronger. I won't succumb to evil."
Scared by the comment, Phoebe pulled away, turned over, and curled into a ball. "Don't make promises you can't keep. We've all been evil even without a demonic half and you don't know that you won't come up against a stronger force."
"It won't be easy for me, Phoebe," he acknowledged. "I've been Belthazor for over a century. But I will make a difference this time, for the good. I can use Belthazor and all my powers for good. And I'm going to start by saving you and your sisters from Zankou."
"If it comes to a choice," she emphatically stated, even as she still spoke into the knees she was hugging, "I'd rather die."
Cole sat up and leaned over her, "What are you talking about? You're not dying."
She slowly turned over and gazed into his eyes, "I'd rather die than watch you give yourself up." She caressed his cheek, "I can't cope with the pain or the guilt if I have to watch you self-destruct and I certainly can't handle vanquishing you again."
"That's not what I want either," he declared as he gently pressed her shoulders to the mattress. "But I won't idly sit by if you're in danger."
Phoebe tried to scoot out from under him but couldn't under his firm grip so she stopped struggling and demanded, "You listen to me, Cole Turner, I would rather die than have you choose evil because of me."
"It won't ever come to that," he promised as he kissed her.
That wasn't what she'd wanted to hear but his kiss had deepened and all sense of rational thought was quickly lost to her own desire.
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