THE JOURNAL OF RACETRACK HIGGINS Ch23 – Make up or break up?
A/N: FINALLY updating this dang fic. Hehe. Anywho, more from me afterwards! Enjoy:)
7/23/04
Yesterday and the day before were not good days. Not at all. And for the most part, it was my fault. But I made up for it, and today was actually pretty good.
I decided I needed to go and talk to Spot and apologize (read: beg for forgiveness for my stupid actions). I had no idea what I was gonna say, or if he would even talk to me, but I tried anyway.
I knocked on his door, praying he'd let me in.
"Who is it?" Spot called out.
"It's me." I could hear him groan inside.
"What the fuck do you want?" His harsh tone made me wince.
"Spot, please… can we just talk?"
"Oh, so you can brag about Dave and college and everything else, and shove it in my face?"
"God, Spot…" I didn't care what he was doing. I needed to talk about this face-to-face, so I opened the door. All he was doing was lying on his bed, flipping channels. As soon as he saw me open the door, he clicked off the TV and sat up.
"Who told you that you could come in? 'Cause I sure as hell didn't."
"Spot," I said firmly, locking eyes with him. "Please. We need to talk about this."
He groaned again. "Fine. Talk. But there's no guarantee it'll do anything."
I took a deep breath, and then started. "First off, I just want to say I'm sorry. For everything."
Spot snorted. "Yeah, like I'm gonna take that pathetic excuse of an apology."
"Can I finish? Thanks. Ok, I know I hurt you. A lot. Not just with the constant talk about Dave, but what I said about college too. I shouldn't have said those things."
"No shit, Sherlock. That was a low blow."
"Well so was what you said, about me jerkin' off to Dave's picture!"
"Hey, I was only stating the truth."
"It is NOT the truth."
"Will you fuckin' quit lying and just tell me the truth once and awhile? 'Cause it's pissing me off."
"Spot… I… Please just STOP." I yelled loudly.
"What?" Spot looked at me, annoyed.
"Please, I didn't come here to fight again. God, what is happening to us? Why are we biting each other's head? Why can't we just talk civilly to each other anymore? Spot, I only have one month left here before college starts. I don't wanna spend that time fighting."
"…Neither do I," Spot said, not making eye contact, and then added quietly, "Is it really only a month away?"
I nodded. "August Twenty-fifth."
Spot looked up at me, and asked, "Maybe we can try peacefully talking?"
"I'd like that." I said, smiling at him.
And we actually did. Neither of us raised our voices, bit the other's head off, or cursed. The only thing is that parts were tension-filled and awkward.
Especially when it came time for me to actually say out loud my feelings for Dave.
"Ok, I know you're not jerking off to him or anything, but, honestly, what are your true feelings for him?" Spot asked, almost nervously.
Taking a deep breath, I slowly began telling Spot the truth. The whole truth, including how I was developing a sort of crush on Dave. Even though I didn't want to feel that way, I did. As I was talking, I couldn't bring myself to look at Spot, for I knew what I was saying was hurting him.
After I finished explaining, I forced myself to look at him. I figured he'd be mad, or at least look a tad pissed off, but instead he look kinda sad, and very un-Spot like. He was looking down, and was unconsciously, perhaps even nervously, playing with the drawstrings on his sweatpants. He didn't say anything for a minute or so afterwards, and the silence was completely nerve-racking.
"Spot… please say something. Anything." I pleaded with him.
He looked up at me, his blue eyes meeting mine. For once, his eyes actually showed his emotions, and I could see just how much I had hurt him. I felt awful.
He finally spoke. "What is there to say? Race, you just told me you like another guy. And said guy is going to be your roommate for the next year. How am I supposed to act?"
I nodded slowly. "I know. I'm sorry. You don't know how hard I tried to fight this feeling. But Spot, I love you. You know that, right?"
Spot half-smiled. "Yeah, I know… But what's gonna happen to us? Yes, I know we both over-reacted before, but truthfully, I don't know if I can fully trust you once you go away."
I sighed. "I don't even know if he's gay yet. Most likely he ain't. Hell, he doesn't even know I'm gay yet. Which, by the way, I've decided to tell him the next time we talk. Because I sure as hell am not ashamed of you."
"I know… It's just… frustrating. I don't want to lose you. Race, you don't know how much you mean to me. You made me realize who I truly am. Without you, I'd probably still be having girl after girl, hiding my insecurities and confusion. I just…" He trailed off and shrugged.
Wow… Spot was really opening up to me. And it was killing me to see him like this.
"I'm sorry, Spot. I truly am. I can't help it though. You can't help who you like."
"Can't you just, like, stop liking him?"
"It's not that easy…"
He sighed, and nodded. "Yeah… But can you at least try?"
I smiled at him. "I'll try my hardest."
We talked for a little bit more. It seemed like we were making up, but it kinda still felt weird, like the tension was still there. But it was going really well. I finally got the nerve to say something else.
"So, does this mean we're done fighting? Like are we still… still together?"
Spot nodded. "I'd like that."
He leaned forward, brushing his lips against mine. You don't understand what I felt as we kissed. The usual spine-tingling chills, yes, but also relief, and most of all, I felt our love. The strong bond we have together, that although we may have differences every now and then, we always overcome them.
When the kiss ended, Spot smiled at me. "I'm sure as hell gonna miss that. Not the fighting part… I mean the kissing part."
"Yeah, me too. But, hey, Muhlenberg is only like two hours away. You can visit me all you want. I wouldn't mind having company sleep over on the weekends."
Spot smirked. "Now that would be fun. …Not to mention all the hot college guys I would get to see."
"Oh, you mean the hot college guy you would see… meaning me, right?" I said, teasing him.
"Actually, no. I meant all the other hundreds of hot college guys."
I raised my eyebrows and 'glared' at him, who glared back. After a few seconds of a 'glaring' contest, we both cracked up laughing. It felt so good to break that tension that had been in that room with a few jokes. And well, that kiss….
Ahem.
Anyway, one month to go. But I'm gonna make sure that this month is spent having fun – and not fighting – with Spot. I am determined now more than ever to make our relationship work.
Well, that's about it. Later!
Racetrack
A/N: Did you really think I'd keep them broken up for more than a chapter? Hehe…
Anyway, thanks to my loverly fans on the NML, this fic was voted BEST SLASH in the 2004 NML awards! I LOVE YOU ALL! hehe
And just to tell you all, most likely there will be two more chapters. (Maybe three, as there was supposed to be more that happened in this chappie, like another entry, but I wanted to end it there…) So yeah… This fic is almost done! –parties-
Thanks to Berri, Bittersweet Dragon, Flit, Air, Saturday, Night, and Hopscotch and Link. I love you guys!
Now, REVIEW!
-Braids
