"So your brother's coming for a visit?" Loid set down the ads he was glancing over to approach me as I hung up the phone. I gave him an excited nod. "Yes, for tea this afternoon! If that's ok….." I guess I should have asked Loid's permission before inviting Yuri over, considering all the top-secret documents my husband had in his room. His forefinger rose up to his bottom lip ponderingly. "Of course it's ok. It's unexpected but I don't have to go to the office today anyway. Franky will be by later to discuss moving options, but that won't be until this evening." "So you're ok with this then? I mean, it is really sudden…."
Loid paused here to look me in the eye; his expression stoic yet sincere. "He's your brother, Mrs. Forger; we can't turn him away. Besides, it'll be nice to finally meet him, and you haven't seen in a while yourself, have you?" My head shook, my legs bouncy in anticipation. "It's been almost two years. He…. travels a lot for work and lives near the Ostania boarder. We rarely get to see each other now…." Loid's eyes narrowed as he noticed the change in my voice; it got instinctively lower…. whenever I brought up the distance between Yuri and me.
"Is that so? What does your brother do for work?" "F-For work?!" My shoulder instantly jerked back in surprise. Loid blinked, clearly confused by my unexpected reaction to his seemingly innocent question. "I don't think you've ever told me what he does before." "O-Oh, uh… Erm, w-well I don't really understand it very well. He uh… um, works in a top-secret division…. F-For the party, I mean. It's so secret, in fact, that he can't give me any real precise details, and everything he's told doesn't really make sense. I-I guess you need context to get it, which I don't have," god, what the hell is wrong with me? I sound like a total moron! No way he's going to believe that. A part of me wanted to blame Yuri for never giving me a cover story to tell people. He just told me to say that his job was "top-secret". Nugh, Christ! Good job, Yur! Now Loid's gonna think he's a spy or something. I cringed inwardly, waiting to hear his response to my horrible explanation.
I felt my husband's eyes linger on me, like he was debating whether to believe me or not. My lips let out the biggest sigh of relief though, when he nodded thoroughly. "I see. So he has one of "those" jobs, where the less you know, the better." "Yes! Yes, that's it! He doesn't tell me anything cause he wants to protect me. B-But I'm sure he'll be happy to answer any of your questions…. Provided he follows government protocol on such matters. It should be fine; you both work for the party, after all," I said. Loid's head lowered a tad and he was silent for a moment. When he opened his mouth next, all he breathed was: "yes".
Feeling much relieved and more secure now, I relaxed my shoulders and gazed out to the living room and kitchen. Loid only perked up a little when he noticed my grin begin to fade. "What's wrong?" My mouth opened a sliver but it took me a moment to articulate my thoughts….. Or rather my concerns.
"Um….. I-It's just that…. Well, Yuri doesn't know that….. That this marriage…. our marriage is…. fake," that sentence was harder to get out than I imagined. Loid flinched, as if the thought never occurred to him before, but he regained his composure in an instant. He flashed me a reassuring smile, taking a step closer in my direction. "Don't worry. I've prepared some accessories for just this sort of occasion," his forefinger lifted up in the air. My jaw dropped a bit in bewilderment. Wait, when did he do this?! Did he have this all on hand before we got married? Why would he think to keep those sorts of things? Was it in case the secret police wanted proof of our union? I have so many questions! But I decided to ask one for now. "You have? What sort of accessories?"
Pictures, a pink cup with the word "LOVE" on it to hold both our toothbrushes, and most poignant of all, a duvet and matching pillows to put on "our" shared bed. We chose to quote, "sleep" in my room since Loid thought it was safest, considering what happened in my old room. We stood facing the bed, standing side-by-side once everything was all setup. Both our mouths were hanging open and our eyes gigantic. Our cheeks were sizzling so hot, you would get burned if you touched them.
We stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity, utterly refusing to even so much as peer in each other's direction. I still couldn't believe he had all this pink, lovey-dovey stuff packed away in his closet! He really was prepared should we get an unforeseen visit- or more aptly, interrogation- from the secret service. It felt beyond weird, having everything out in the apartment like this. Something about it was inorganic, because of course it was! None of this was bought or put out on display naturally. This was all for show, and it felt like it.
Still….. Seeing that cover over one bed- the same bed….. "Our" bed. It made my heart beat all sorts of ways. This feeling I'd never experienced before began creeping through my veins; it started in my toes and worked its way up. I was burning hot and freezing cold at the same time. I wanted to throw my arms around Loid's neck and never let go… And also run as far away as I could and hide forever. I guess you would call this emotion "confliction"? I knew this marriage was completely fake and nothing like…. "that" could ever really happen. But facing it now, seeing what real married couples live like every day….. A part of me- a very large and loud part- wanted it. I wanted a reality like this…. I wanted that bedspread to stay on evermore.
My rapid, out-of-control train of thought was cut short by the sound of Loid clearing his throat; the gesture he always did when he was romantically uncomfortable. Despite me turning to face him with wide-eyes now, he still refused to even look my way, instead deliberately shutting his eyes so to avoid my frazzled stare.
"Y-Yes, well then… I-If that's all, I'll go look at some more apartment ads until Mr. Briar arrives," his voice trembled ever so slightly. I couldn't help but wonder if he was feeling that mix of heat and froze too? Or maybe more so hot…? Only hot? The very notion made my lips quiver. "Loid…." I heard myself say without my brain's consent.
Neither of us budged an inch; I think he was waiting for me to go first. I waited until his eyes opened a crack, his lips pressing tight shut. He didn't turn toward me but stared broodingly out at the bed like I had just moments before. He wasn't smiling but wore an almost scorned expression. I couldn't tell for sure, but something about all this looked…. I don't know how to describe it- painful to him. Like he wanted… But he wouldn't let himself…. But he actually wanted…..
"I-I'll go finish our breakfast," once again, my mouth spoke on its own accord. I was eager to get out of there now; something was going off inside my heart. It was as if I read his mind just now, and it hurt. I didn't know why he was holding back from me, but I didn't want him to. I wanted him to open up to me, to trust me….. to hold me.
I immediately gave myself a punishing mental kick at this thought. No! What am I thinking?! Loid and I have never even hugged before. The most we've done is spin around and press our foreheads together. How can I expect him to hold me? To embrace me? I don't even know how he really feels about me. I don't….
My feet had spun around to make a mad dash out of the room, but something caught my forearm before I could take more than two steps. My head shot back around to see Loid's hand holding me; he was holding me in place, all without still looking at me. I felt his fingers give my skin a squeeze. In an act of complete shock, I let my jaw drop and dangle there in disbelief. "L-Loid?!" Tighter and tighter his fingers held, clinging onto my arm for what felt like dear life. He inhaled so slowly, deliberately….
"Stay… Just for one more minute, stay."
