Author's notes: This meant to be a parody and not to be taken seriously. It also isn't an exact retelling of the end, either.


Mr. Rainey regrets, he's unable to lunch today, madam,

Mr. Rainey regrets, he's unable to lunch today.

He is sorry to be delayed,

But last evening down in Lover's Lane he strayed, madam,

Mr. Rainey regrets, he's unable to lunch today.

When he woke up and found that his dream of love was gone, madam,

He ran to the man, who had led her so far astray,

And from behind his back,

He drew a shovel and gave him a whack, madam,

Mr. Rainey regrets, he's unable to lunch today.

When his wife came before him, she kneeled and pleaded for her life, madam,

He just shook his head, raising his bloody shovel high,

And the moment before she died

He lifted up his lovely head and cried, madam,

"Mr. Rainey regrets, he's unable to lunch today."


Disclaimer: I don't own Mort Rainey or Miss Ottis Regrets.