Muses O' Doom

Episode 03: Of Badfic and Fangirls: Part I


Scar opened his eyes slowly, the back of his head pounding. Briefly he wondered exactly why he was currently suspended by his wrists from a chain attached to a stone wall, before he remembered exactly what had happened. His eyes snapped open and he whipped his head from side to side, trying to figure out where he was. He appeared to be in some kind of large, medieval-style dungeon, with no visible door or windows. The only light came from several torches mounted on 'his' wall; the other side of the room was in complete shadow, and he had no idea how far back it went. His feet were about eight inches from the stone floor, and the chains attached to his wrists looked to be fairly strong. Immediately he attempted to destroy the bonds with the power of his right arm, but although the red light completely engulfed the manacles, nothing happened. He then remembered Ieva's explanation about how his arm wouldn't affect things that weren't part of this universe, and this realization caused him to mutter a few choice profanities.

At the sound of his voice, something stirred in the blackness in front of him. He began to hear whispers, and shufflings in the dark. The fact that whatever was causing the noise could not be seen made him uneasy; add that he was currently in a fairly defenseless position and Scar was getting downright nervous.

"Rescue would be good now…"


Ieva had absolutely no idea where she was. One second she'd been in the middle of Central being dragged off by a bunch of crazed Hughes fangirls, the next second one of them had thrown a black sphere with 'Plot Device' written on it in big white letters onto the ground, it had exploded in a brilliant flash of white light, and now she and the Horde were here. Wherever 'here' was, anyway. They appeared to be in front of a medeival castle, complete with moat and gargoyles.

"Why the hell is there a freaking European castle in Amestris?" Ieva demanded loudly.

She was ignored as the Horde carried her over the drawbridge and through the gates. Once they were inside, Ieva saw that whomever had built this castle had obviously had only the vaguest idea of what the inside of a castle was supposed to look like, and even that idea was based off of some random video game. There was no inner courtyard for one thing; the outer gates led directly into a huge stone room with myriad doors lining the walls and high, arched windows up closer to the ceiling. At the far end was a wide staircase leading up to a balcony that rimmed the whole room and had other doors up on its level. Ieva half expected to see random Item Chests littered about. As she looked around, mouth gaping and eye twitching, a booming voice spoke from an indeterminate location.

"WHO IS SHE? WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ENVY?"

One of the fangirls stepped forth, "She helped Envy to escape, and she protected him from us when first we attempted to destroy him. She will be punished, yes?"

The voice was silent for a few moments before answering, "YES. YOU MAY GO NOW. LEAVE HER HERE."

There were some excited murmerings amongst the Horde as they withdrew and exited through one of the various doors on the first level. Ieva looked around defiantly, "Who the bloody hell are you to copy the speech mannerisms of other characters in other fandoms?"

"THAT IS NONE OF YOUR CONCERN."

Ieva pondered on this for about five seconds before replying, "Why, you're right! I really don't care who you are. Bye then!" and with this she turned and sprinted back towards the exit.

"NOT SO FAST. I BELIEVE YOU'VE MET MY GOOD FRIEND…" a giant white rectangle with a bored 'nyeah nyeah nyeah' expression and two little horns growing out of the top dropped from the ceiling and landed on top of Ieva, leaving only her head, shoulders, and arms free, "…WRITER'S BLOCK! MUHAHAHAHA!"

"OI! That's not fair! How did you know I was a writer?" Ieva waved her arms around while she shouted, trying to no avail to get out from under the giant evil block.

"IT WASN'T DIFFICULT. YOU COULD SAY THAT I HAVE AN…INSTINCT…FOR WRITERS."

"Just who the hell are you, anyway?"

"WHY, SURELY YOU'VE HEARD OF ME," from out of the shadows near the staircase formed a huge lump of pure darkness with luminous red eyes and an evilly grinning mouth filled with triangle-shaped teeth. Multitudes of shadowy tentacles waved menacingly from its form. It laughed, "I AM THE BADFIC MONSTER! COWER IN FEAR, WRITER!"

"The Badfic…Monster? Couldn't you have picked a better name than that?" Ieva raised an eyebrow.

"SILENCE! NOW, YOU WILL GIVE ME ENVY!"

"I would never give him to the likes of you! I signed a contract saying I would protect him from job-related danger, and that includes you," Ieva stuck her tongue out at the 'Badfic Monster'.

"AH, BUT I BELIEVE YOU ALSO SIGNED A CONTRACT WITH SOMEONE NAMED…SCAR, PERHAPS?"

Ieva's eye twitched dangerously, "You…what did you do with Scar-san?"

"IT'S DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN…PERHAPS I SHOULD JUST SHOW YOU," and with that, a large TV screen rose up out of the floor. A tentacle reached out and pushed the 'ON' button, and Ieva found out exactly what was happening to poor Scar.


The whisperings and shufflings had gone on for some time before Scar even got a glimpse of what was making them. Of course, once he did he wished that they had just stayed out of sight. About ten stunningly beautiful girls emerged from the shadows, each with impossible figures and brightly multicolored hair. And even though they all had red eyes, there was no bloody way any of them were actually from Ishbal.

A tall one, younger than the rest and with jet black hair, was the first to scream, "OMG Skar u r teh kulest i luv u!111! Adn u luv me 2 cuz im frum ihsbarl11!"

An older one with long pink and turquoise hair and what appeared to be cat ears and a tail quickly whirled on her fellow, "No he luvs me1!1 im teh 8th humconulis Vainity and im alos a cat kimeera and a stat alkamist caled teh Flower Alkamist cuz i can turn evrything in to flowers!11!"

The next to shout had short purple hair with the ends dyed blue, "Ur both rong, he luvs me cuz we r soulbonded cuz he saved me frum dieing lol i made taht word up all by myself its such teh r0xx0rs!1!11

The others also shouted out who they were and that they loved Scar, and with each one he grew more and more freaked out. When they got within three feet of him he began to desperately kick them away, but they kept getting up and coming back.

'Help me…'


Ieva's mouth hung open in absolute horror as she watched. Finally, she could take it no longer, and exploded, arms waving furiously as she attempted to get out from under the Writer's Block, "I'LL SAVE YOU SCAR-SAN! LEMME GO YOU SADISTIC BASTARDS! SCAR-SAAAAANNNN!"

The Badfic Monster cackled evilly, "THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO SAVE HIM FROM THE DOOM THAT IS MY EXTENSIVE COLLECTION OF MARY-SUES. UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU WERE TO GIVE ME ENVY…"

"But…but…AARRGH! YOU -bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-!" Ieva's cursing would have made a sailor blush, and will not be printed here.

Once the Badfic Monster had recovered from the shock of what it had just heard, it gave a slightly weakened evil grin, "SO, YOU NEED SOME MORE PERSUADING, DO YOU? HE MAY BE ABLE TO KEEP THEM AT BAY NOW, BUT LET US SEE HOW HE FARES IF I DO THIS?" it whipped out a remote control from its…pocket, Ieva supposed, and pushed a button. She turned to the TV screen just in time to see two chains attached to the dungeon floor seemingly come alive and wrap themselves around Scar's ankles, preventing him from kicking the terrible Mary-Sues away.

"NOOOO! MUST RESCUE SCAR-SAN!"

"THE ONLY WAY IS TO GIVE ME ENVY."

"But…I…contract…why do you want Envy anyway?"

"UH…WHO NEEDS A REASON WHEN I HAVE MY LOYAL MINION, THE PLOT HOLE SHOVEL? HA!" and with that, it beckoned a tentacle at the corner, out of which hopped a large black shovel that looked like something one would see in the Disney version of Beauty and the Beast, only evil. It proceeded to hop over in front of Ieva, and then dug a giant Plot Hole in the middle of the story before hopping back to its corner.

"Um…riiiight…I'm assuming that the horde of Hughes fangirls has been brainwashed to do your bidding?"

"HOW DID YOU KNOW?"

"It's very obvious."

"OH. IT WASN'T VERY DIFFICULT TO DO. ONLY A FEW RESISTED."

"You are such a meanie-head," Ieva stuck her tongue out again. Although it appeared that she had completely forgotten about poor Scar's predicament in favor of bantering with the Badfic Monster, in reality she hadn't forgotten at all. For you see, the Badfic Monster had made one fatal mistake; it had left Scar on the TV screen. And Scar was a Muse. Ieva, simply by looking at him, was slowly breaking out of the Writer's Block's hold. But not fast enough; the Mary-Sues had by now clustered all around him, still spouting their nonsense, and she was afraid that their influence might begin to take hold of his mind before long.

"MEANIE-HEAD? IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN COME UP WITH? HA! THAT IS PATHETIC! BUT IT IS TRUE; DID YOU THINK I DIDN'T NOTICE THAT YOU ARE SLOWLY FREEING YOURSELF FROM THE WRITER'S BLOCK? I WAS ONLY LETTING YOU THINK THAT YOU WERE GOING TO ESCAPE, AND NOW I WILL DASH YOUR HOPES LIKE THE MEANIE-HEAD THAT I AM!" and with that, he pushed another button on his remote, and the TV screen sank back into the floor and out of sight. And now that Ieva had absolutely no access to either of her muses, all the ground she'd gained with the Writer's Block was instantly lost.

"YOU -bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-!" once again, the un-writeable cursing was shouted.

"NOW, YOU MUST CHOOSE. EITHER YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER WHOM YOU RESPECT AND ADMIRE GREATLY, OR AN EVIL LITTLE ANDROGYNOUS PALM TREE HEAD."

"That's a biased question!"

There was a short glaring match between the two of them. It would have been longer, but it was interrupted by a figure swinging on a rope through one of the arched windows with a giant crash and a nonlethal shower of broken glass. Just like in an old action movie. Yellow trenchcoat billowing dramatically, Scar landed on top of the Writer's Block and it shattered into a million pieces, which then vanished into thin air, like defeated monsters do in video games.

"WAIT…WHAT?" the Badfic Monster gaped in shock.

Scar wasn't waiting around to answer. Ieva had gone all starry-eyed with utter fangirl overload (no one is truly immune) and obviously wasn't going to be any use to anyone until she snapped out of it, so he kind of just carried her under one arm while he sprinted through one of the many doors. The Badfic Monster blinked a few times before whirling and pressing a button on his remote, causing the TV screen to come up again. And…there was Scar, still in the dungeon and surrounded by Mary-Sues.

"HUH?"


After Ieva and Scar had gotten a fair distance through the twisting, torch-lit halls that lay beyond the door, Scar stopped and put her down. And then he grinned.

Ieva practically had a lightbulb poof into existance above her head, "Envy! You came to rescue me!"

Envy grinned wider (it looked very, very odd to see this on Scar's face) and changed to his regular form, "Well who did you expect? Brigadier General Basque Gran?"

Ieva winced, "Don't say things like that. That would have been so creepy…wait…if you're not Scar, then…" Ieva's face changed to one of pure horror, "SCAR-SAN! MARY-SUES! DUNGEON! RESCUE!" she tore off down the hall, shouting, "I'M COMING SCAR-SAAAAANNN!"

"Hey! Wait!" Envy sprinted after her.

Several staircases and many wrong turns later…

Ieva fell over onto the ground, and Envy poked her with his foot curiously, "Hey. What's the matter?"

"I'm dead."

"You need to exercise more."

"I don't care. I'm dead."

"Did you know that there's a really big spider about five inches in front of your face?"

"Ha ha. Won't work. How did you know I was insanely arachnophobic?"

"You are?"

Ieva got a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, and slowly raised her head from the floor. There was a spider. With an ear-piercing shriek, she propelled herself off the ground, lost her balance, fell backwards, and grabbed a wall torch to stop her fall. Guess what happened next. Yep, the torch turned out to be a secret lever, which opened up a section of the wall. Guess what was behind the wall. Yep, it was Scar, surrounded by Mary-Sues and looking exceedingly uncomfortable.

"That was incredibly cliché," Envy commented dryly.

"I'm not complaining," Scar shouted back, "Now get me out of here before I start acting like you were in the first chapter."

It was then that Ieva recovered enough from her fall to notice Scar, "Scar-san! You're alive! I'll save you!" she dashed into the dungeon and started shouting at the Mary-Sues, "Begone foul creatures of badness! Shoo! Back to the shadows from whence you came! Move it!" she waved her arms threateningly, and they glared before retreating back into the darkness. Then Ieva realized something, "Oh, bloody hell, how are we going to get you off the wall? Can you do your arm thing?"

"I tried. It didn't work."

"Aw, shoot…hmmm…maybe…Envy, turn into someone tall, will you please?"

Envy grinned and turned into Basque Gran, "You mean like him?"

"That is NOT FUNNY, Envy."

"Fine, fine, spoil my fun…" Envy changed again, this time into Armstrong.

Ieva's eye twitched, but then she shrugged, "Whatever. It won't take long anyway. I just need a boost so I can reach the manacles."

"Right then, shorty," Envy snickered, "Pink sparklies or no pink sparklies?"

"Good lord NO," Ieva glared, "Just do it will you?"

"Yes, really. This isn't very fun for me, you know," Scar glared as well.

"Fine, fine, don't be so impatient," Envy proceeded to lift Ieva up so that she could reach the manacles around Scar's wrists. Once she could, she took the pencil out from behind her ear, and began to erase the chain. Before long, it was severed and Scar dropped to the ground, tripping and falling on his back because his ankles were still chained together.

"Well, that was anticlimactic. Now get these off so I can stand up."

"Of course, Scar-san. Envy, you can put me down now. And change back to your regular form, please."


End Episode 03

A/N: Yes, I divided this into two parts. I wanted to get this chapter posted today. The next part will be up as soon as I can get it written. Which might be soon, or it might take a while. For next week I have…FINAL EXAMS! -dundunduuuunnnn-
Scar: Really, she's driving us up the wall about them.
Envy: Don't ask her about updates. She just might just explode with stress.
Scar: And that's just for this story. I don't even want to think about Grudging Respect…
I'm working on it as fast as I can! I can do it! I can-
Envy: Ieva, calm down. Have some Pocky.
Scar: Oh, and readers: while you wait, you can look at Ieva's two new pictures of us on her Homepage…well, actually they're of me, but one of them has Envy in it.
Envy: And review! If you fall under the category of 'Insane Hughes Fangirl Who Was After My Blood After Episode 25', you just might qualify for a brief cameo in the next chapter.
Yep. -nods- Well, I think that's everything. Now I'll answer all the wonderful reviews I got!

Shale 101: Yay! A fellow non-Envy-blamer!
Hinote-chan: I think I'll just keep calling you this, if you don't mind. Excellent job of convincing! Kudos to you!
Scar's fangurl: Patience, please. I'm working on it.
Anasazi Darkmoon: Envy is definitely a guy, even if he does sound and dress like a girl.
Envious One: Fellow Envy fan! Now, I could be immature and scream 'ENVY IS MINE!', but you did get to him first. I guess I have a clone. :)
Anase the Shadow Alchemist: Yep, I've read your fic, and I must say it is very good. And gosh do you update fast. Sorry about your having to babysit, I hope it wasn't too horrible.
kristanite: Oro? -is confuzzled-
Halfmetal: I know what spiffy means, I say it all the time too. He does certainly have spiffy pants. Heh. And a spiffy yellow trenchcoat that I wish he had kept. And I think your writing style is fine.