Deacon
As she turned onto the road, he walked out to the end of the driveway, watching as her car moved away. She seemed to be taking his advice to be careful since it was several minutes before she was out of sight. At that point he walked back up the driveway towards the porch. He looked up towards the sky, squinting at the bright sun. The sky was cloudless – a brilliantly bright blue – and the wind was still fairly brisk. It was warm though, warm enough to melt snow. Together with the wind, the blizzard of 2 days earlier would soon be a memory. But in this area it was not unusual. Weather was very changeable.
He jogged up onto the porch and as he walked down to the sliders, he noticed the snowman was leaning a little. They had made one that was tall enough and wide enough to still be standing, but it was sagging under the direct sunlight. He stopped for a moment. It already felt emptier with Rayna gone. It had been unexpected but mostly it had been nice. For the kids, if not so much for him.
He'd pushed too far, thinking he'd detected something between them. He still wasn't positive he was wrong about that, but there was nothing else he could do. She had packed up and left to go to Luke. Their divorce would be final in days or weeks and they really would be no more than co-parents. There was no use wondering what if anymore. He sighed and then headed for the door.
Rayna
She was exhausted when she pulled into her driveway. She had white-knuckled it from the cabin to the highway and then spent the highway drive dissecting the time she was snowed in and everything that had happened after it. The whole situation had been unexpected and it had stirred things up in her head she'd thought were long gone. She needed to figure it all out and she needed to do that on her own. And then Luke had been more understanding than she'd expected about her change in plans. She'd been expecting a different reaction and was prepared for it, so it had added confusion.
"I don't understand," he said when she'd told him what she was doing.
"I'm emotionally exhausted, Luke," she responded. "It was a confusing time."
"Confusing? Did Deacon do something? Or say something?" She couldn't decide if he was upset or just irritated at Deacon.
She wasn't going to say anything about the kisses. She didn't want things to escalate unnecessarily. "It was Deacon and me and our two children. The whole family feel. It was just, I don't know, confusing and strange. I feel out of sorts and just like I need to be alone to catch my breath. I feel like I wouldn't be in quite the Christmas state of mind."
"I would have been okay with that. You know that. We could have figured it out."
She sighed. "Maybe we could have, but I just wasn't feeling up to it. And I am so, so sorry this all happened."
"Are you sure Deacon didn't do something or say something that upset you?"
"You know, he's just Deacon. And with the divorce almost done, I think it was just a lot. He didn't create trouble or anything, it was just, I don't know how else to say it, it was weird. Strange."
"Well, I hate this. Do you want me to come back early?"
"No, no, of course not. I want you to have a wonderful Christmas with your kids and I'll see you when you get back."
"I love you, Rayna."
She smiled a little sadly. "I love you too."
She felt a little beaten up in a way. Her emotions had been all over the place and she knew if she had stayed any longer there was the possibility something would have happened that she would have really regretted. She also knew that she needed time alone. She sighed deeply, then got out of the car. She retrieved her suitcase from the trunk and headed inside.
She was lying on her bed, her head spinning. She had called Bucky, then called Tandy. She didn't want to see anyone, so she asked them to give her some privacy and she asked Tandy not to tell their father she was home. They were obviously both curious about her change of plans and about what had happened. She told them both she'd let them know when she'd sorted things out. She had changed clothes and then stood at her vanity. She held out her left hand and looked at the ring for a long moment, then slid it off her finger and put it in a drawer.
Her world had been turned on its axis, it felt like. Being at the cabin with Deacon and their kids had left her feeling mixed up. The kisses had shaken her to her core. She realized she still had a lot of unresolved feelings about Deacon. Or maybe it was just some deep sense of connection that had sprung back to life. Either way it had been something she couldn't resolve at the cabin. And she couldn't go to Luke, not with all that complexity to sort through. She'd been so sure she knew what her future would hold and now all of that seemed like a jumble she couldn't work her way through.
Her mind was racing, but her body craved rest. Ultimately her body won over and she felt into a deep sleep, filled with snatches of confusing dreams.
She was sitting in the den with a cup of tea when her doorbell rang. She frowned. It was Christmas afternoon and no one knew she was home. No one except Bucky and Tandy. She had slept deeply, if not completely restful, and woken up mid-morning. She called Maddie and Levi and spent about 20 minutes on the phone with them as they told her all about their presents and Christmas breakfast and she felt sad that she wasn't there. Not for any other reason except that she missed them. It was like this every year they were with Deacon. She spoke to him for a few minutes, avoiding his questions about how her Christmas was going and then got off the phone. She had gone back upstairs and crawled into bed until she woke again after noon.
She'd had a headache when she woke up, so she'd fixed herself the tea. She had talked to Luke for a while and then she made another cup of tea just before the doorbell rang. Her phone buzzed and she picked it up. It was Tandy. Let me in. She smiled to herself and got up, walking to the front door to let her sister in.
She reached in for a hug as Tandy walked across the threshold. "What are you doing here?" she asked.
"Well, I figured you could use something to eat" – Tandy held out a covered plate she had not noticed when she opened the door – "and there was too much food at Daddy's, so I was able to sneak out a plate for you," she said, handing over the plate.
She took it and peeked under the foil cover, seeing turkey, dressing, and mashed potatoes, and smiled gratefully. "Thank you so much. I really haven't eaten much since I got back. I've been sleeping mostly." She started towards the kitchen with her sister. "Do you want some tea?"
Tandy smirked. "I'd really rather have a glass of wine if it's not too early."
She laughed. "It's never too early for wine." She put the plate in the fridge and then took out a bottle of wine. She got 2 glasses and poured one for Tandy and one for herself. Then they walked into the den and sat on the couch. "So how was Daddy?"
Tandy rolled her eyes. "All he wanted to talk about was work." She took a sip of her wine. "But I want to know how you are. And why you didn't go to Lexington."
She drank some of her wine and then put the glass down. "I felt like I was having an out of body experience. It was probably the strangest, most confusing time I've had in a long time. I had so much swirling around in my head that I knew I needed some time to decompress. Luke was disappointed but very understanding."
"Well, of course he would be."
She made a face. "He wasn't so understanding in the beginning. He even asked me if I was staying with Deacon."
"You weren't, were you?
She frowned. "Of course not. I slept with Maddie. He was going to let me sleep in his bedroom, but Maddie had a bad dream and it gave me an excuse not to do that. That would have been totally weird."
"Well, I guess so, since it used to be your house too." She sighed. "Was he at least well-behaved?"
She leaned over and reached for her glass. "Yeah, for the most part."
"What do you mean 'for the most part'?"
She rolled her eyes. "He told me he'd quit the band he was in and that the only reason he had even done that was because he lost his record deal. Which he also hadn't told me." She sighed. "Things actually were fine until the second night."
"What happened?"
She considered whether she should tell her sister or not. Tandy was not fond of Deacon, which really was just a nicer way to say that she did not like him at all. But she thought she needed some tough love and Tandy was just the one to provide that. "He kissed me."
Tandy was in shock. "He did what? What in the world was he thinking?"
"We were trapped at his cabin by the snowstorm. With our children. It felt very family like, which was tricky. Then he told me about what was going on with him professionally and that just sort of led into him talking about how sorry he was and wanting to...fight for me."
Tandy rolled her eyes. "Well, he really has a lot of nerve. After all this time. It's a little late for that." She didn't respond and her sister looked at her sharply. "It's too late for that. Right?"
She nodded. "Um, yeah." It was still all so confusing.
"Rayna. You're marrying Luke in a few months. You're moving on with someone who will love and cherish you in ways Deacon never did."
"I can't erase the first 15 years, Tandy. I loved him very much then. But I also know that I have to protect myself. And Maddie and Levi." She reached for Tandy's hand. "I'm still marrying Luke," she said.
"I should hope so," Tandy retorted. Then she softened her look. "You're happy, aren't you?"
She nodded. "Yeah," she said. "Of course."
Tandy gave her a strange look, but then it passed. "Good." She reached over and grabbed her hand. "You're moving forward. You're in a healthy relationship now."
She squeezed her sister's hand. "I know."
"You said it felt a lot like a family when you were at Deacon's house. I just don't want you to miss out on a good thing because you can't get past the bad."
She just nodded. Tandy was right. She was putting behind the past. That was the plan. She needed this time to reset.
Later that night she was sitting at her vanity, holding Luke's ring in her hand. She hoped Tandy hadn't sensed how conflicted she felt, how not sure of anything she felt. She wasn't planning on changing her plans, but she couldn't help but think about how it had been, back before Deacon decided to go out on his own. They'd overcome so much. She had just never thought their love story would end. She felt sure she would always love him, but he'd caused her immeasurable pain in her life and she didn't want to risk her heart or the hearts of her children. It wouldn't be fair.
She put the ring down on the counter and opened another drawer in her jewelry case. She pulled out a small bag and pulled the strings to open it. Then she turned it over and dropped the engagement ring and wedding ring Deacon had given her into her palm. She thought Maddie might want them someday. She felt a little tug at her heart. I think I always thought I might get to put them back on one day. She sighed and then put them back in the bag and pushed them into the back of the little drawer and closed it. It seemed as though they were past that now and yet she still felt a little unsettled.
Deacon
Even though it was only supposed to be Maddie and Levi at the cabin with him that week, having Rayna there, even for just a couple days, had made it seem empty somehow without her. Maybe the best he could hope for was that they could actually be friends one day, able to be in each other's lives in a platonic way. Not just seeing each other on special occasions. But he didn't know if that was possible. For one thing, he wasn't sure he could really do it. He loved her. She was the one, had always been. Keeping his distance had been the only way he could keep pushing on with his solo career. Or so he'd always thought.
He'd miscalculated and it had cost him.
He grabbed the kids' suitcases and boxes full of presents and filled up the back of his truck. They were heading back to Nashville and the kids were excited to see their mom. He knew, because she'd told him, that she would have a smaller Christmas with them and some additional Santa gifts. He always did the same when it was her year to have them. The sun was shining and there were just a few wispy clouds in the bright blue sky. The snow was completely gone, even the little pile of snow that had been the remnants of the snowman. It was warm, not unusual for the area, with a breeze that had it feeling just a few degrees cooler. He felt the sadness he always felt when it was time to take the kids home.
He wondered sometimes why he always thought of Rayna's house as their home. His house was their home too, but they did probably spend a little more time there than at his house. He had that strange little sensation in his gut that he'd had every time he'd thought about her since she'd left the cabin. That ache he'd had to actively work to push aside.
"You want to come in for a minute?" He was surprised she asked him. He had brought in the bags of gifts he'd given the kids and had expected to head on back home.
"Uh, sure," he said. They stood in the kitchen and watched Maddie and Levi in the den, excitedly looking over their new presents. He looked over at her. "You have a nice Christmas?"
She glanced at him, then looked back at the kids. "It was fine." He heard a note in her voice he didn't recognize but pushed it aside. He noticed she was wearing the engagement ring Luke had given her, so obviously nothing had changed there. Not that he'd thought it would. He might have let himself hope for a minute, but he knew better. She looked back at him. "Thank you again for your hospitality during the storm."
He frowned. That sounded so formal and really not like Rayna at all. "I wouldn't've made you leave in that storm, Rayna," he said, knowing he sounded a little testy.
She clasped her hands together and twisted them a few times. "Well, no, I wouldn't think you'd do that. I meant, I just, well, I appreciated it. And I appreciated the chance for us to spend some time together. All of us." He knew that's what she'd meant. "We're still a family, Deacon. You, me, Maddie and Levi. A different kind of family, sure, but we love our children and they will always be a bridge for us. It was just really nice to have a chance to do some of those things together. It might not have been what we'd have planned, but I think it was important for all of us."
He thought about what she'd said. He nodded. "Yeah, you're right." He watched the kids for a minute, then turned back to her. "I appreciate the chance to be their dad." She smiled, a little sadly he thought, and nodded. "Uh, so I'm gonna head back across town so y'all can enjoy the rest of the day." He turned and headed for the door and he heard her footsteps behind him. When he got there, he turned to look at her.
"Have a good week, Deacon," she said.
He nodded. "You too." He hesitated for a second, then opened the door and left.
Rayna
The kids were at Deacon's, so she was staying at Luke's. She felt like she had settled back in to being Luke's fiancée, without the unsettled feeling she'd had right after she'd had to stay at the cabin before Christmas. The wedding planner and someone from People magazine would be at the ranch in about an hour to discuss wedding details. Her regular stylist was also coming out with some wedding gowns for her to try in the afternoon when Luke would be at his manager's office in Nashville. It was 2½ months until the wedding and she was overwhelmed with everything there was to do. She also had not realized when People had approached them about having exclusive rights to pictures and the story that she wouldn't have as much freedom to choose what she wanted. It was all about how it would look on camera.
She walked into Luke's kitchen. He turned around and smiled. "Good morning," he said. "Are you ready to talk wedding today?" he chuckled.
She rolled her eyes. "Not before coffee." He turned and poured her a mug, then turned back and handed it to her. She smiled gratefully. "Thank you." She held the mug in both hands and took a sip. "This is perfect." She put her elbows on the island and leaned forward. "So I can't remember, what are we looking at today?"
"Seating charts, if I remember correctly. For the rehearsal dinner and the reception. Plus flowers."
She smiled. "You are so good at remembering these things."
He laughed. "Not really. I looked at the email just a few minutes ago. Oh, and the entertainment for the rehearsal dinner."
She frowned. "I thought we'd already nailed that down."
"We did. Mostly. I think People has some new ideas."
She sighed. "This doesn't even feel like our wedding anymore, Luke. It's People's wedding."
He smirked. "Well, they are paying, which takes a lot of the pressure off."
She took another sip of coffee. It's just not the wedding I would have planned. She looked at Luke. "I'm probably going to need a second cup of coffee before we deal with this."
"Oh, one more thing. Rolling Stone wants to do a cover story on us. The tour, our new partnership, what's next for the Wheelers." He grinned.
She frowned. "What? Our new partnership? Is that what they're called marriage these days? Not to mention 'the Wheelers'." She quoted that with her fingers. "Can it not wait?"
He chuckled. "No, babe. It's a cover story. We can't turn that down. They want to see things behind the scenes, our lives as the new power couple of country music. How we live. All that."
"I don't want that, Luke. It's too much. And what about our kids?"
"We can include them." He leaned towards her and kissed her. Just then the doorbell rang. "I think that's the wedding coordinators with People." He chuckled. "You better get that second cup of coffee quick."
She started to protest, but then stopped. She'd have to do it later. She put a smile on her face. "You better go let them in. I'll be there in a second." She watched him head for the front door and her smile faded. This is becoming a circus. Plus she hated how Luke basically ignored her concerns.
She tried on 2 wedding dresses before telling her stylist she wanted to reschedule for another day. And not to bring those back. There's no way I'd wear either of them. She left a note for Luke that she had a headache and was going home. She did in fact have a headache and it had started that morning with the people from People magazine.
She had stopped listening to the coordinator from People as they looked at seating charts spread out on Luke's dining room table. She had no idea how this had all gotten so out of hand. 204 guests at the rehearsal dinner and 516 for the wedding itself. She didn't even think she knew 204 people, much less 516. When she asked Luke about the numbers, he'd just laughed and told her he'd opened up the contact list. "Besides, this is the event everyone wants to be at. Figured we'd make sure they all got in."
She had wanted simple flower arrangements on the tables, but somehow they'd turned into something else completely. The rehearsal dinner was now a 5-course meal – appetizer, salad, soup, choice of 3 entrées, and an array of desserts – instead of the simple salmon dish she'd originally chosen along with an elegant chocolate silk pie for dessert. She couldn't even remember what was being served at the reception except that she did remember they had some elaborate 6 tier cake with what amounted to a trellis of frosting flowers trailing down from top to bottom. And even that wasn't enough to allow something for every guest.
"Babe?" She turned and looked at Luke. "You okay?"
She nodded. "Yeah, sure." But she could hear in her own voice that she wasn't.
He chuckled a little. "She wants to know who you want at our table at the reception."
She thought about that for a second. She was pretty sure they'd decided all that. "Won't it be family? The kids?"
"That's at the rehearsal dinner. I'm thinking Tim and Faith, Garth and Trisha, Dierks and his wife, and Martina and her husband. What do you think?"
She opened her mouth to say something, then closed it. Her head was starting to hurt. She took a deep breath and then smiled. "Whatever you want sounds good to me." She couldn't help but think that this was more about publicity and less about 2 people in love getting married.
She forced herself to take deep breaths as she drove home. Then Bucky called her. "Hey, Buck," she said when she answered.
"Hey, Rayna. You still out at Luke's ranch?"
"No, I'm on my way home."
"Oh, okay. Well, I spoke with him and his manager and we're looking at maybe adding another 40 or 50 dates to the joint tour. I told Luke I'd let you know and then the 2 of you could talk more about how that would look."
She grimaced. "Are you serious? How's that supposed to work, Buck? I've got my kids to think about."
"That's what you and Luke can talk about."
"And what about that Rolling Stone thing?"
"I think it's a great idea, Rayna. And it's a cover story, so it's not something you want to pass up."
She sighed, feeling frustrated. "Okay. I guess this is all something we'll have to talk about later." When they hung up, she wanted to cry. Instead she called her sister.
Tandy was waiting for her when she got to the house. She hugged her sister at the door, glad for her sister's sensibility, which she sorely needed right then. "Thanks for coming over," she said.
"Well, of course. Tough day?"
She rolled her eyes. "You could say that." She opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle of wine, raising her eyebrows. Tandy nodded and she got glasses and poured them each a glass. Then they went into the den and settled on the couch. She took a sip. "Did you know that 516 people have been invited to the wedding?"
"Do you even know 516 people?" Tandy looked shocked.
"I don't think I do. I don't even know 200 people, which is how many are coming to the rehearsal dinner. This has really gotten out of control, I think."
"Luke's a big deal. You're a big deal. This will definitely be a lot different than your other wedding."
She made a face. "That's an understatement." She sighed. "I just had no idea what having People magazine essentially sponsor the wedding would mean." She barked out a laugh. "Luke has sponsors for everything else, so maybe I shouldn't have been surprised."
Tandy reached over and patted her arm. "This is your new life. You've hit the stratosphere. It's all going your way."
She sighed. "Is it though? Here's the latest. Rolling Stone wants to follow us on tour and do a Honeymoon Tour story, complete with the cover. What's it like to be Ruke or Layna or whatever we are. Our lives, whatever that means."
"Well, that's all got to be good, right? Good for your career? You'll be on the biggest stages with a whole new world opened up to you." Tandy reached for her hand and squeezed it. "It's a big change, I know, but change is good, right?"
She shrugged. "I don't even know anymore, Tandy. I guess I thought it would be time at the ranch, time at his horse farm, the kids all growing up together, but now it's touring more than ever. Bucky even told me that they want to extend the tour longer. When will I ever see my kids?"
"You can bring them out, can't you?"
"Sometimes, yes, but not always. Plus I have to consider their time with their father." She took a sip of wine and felt herself getting a little emotional. "I wanted a life, Tandy. Not be a brand."
Tandy looked compassionate. "Oh, sweetie, it just feels like a lot right now because of the wedding planning. But once you're past that, it will all fall into place. And you have Luke. He loves you and you love him and you'll work it all out. You know you will."
She took a deep breath and tried smiling at her sister. Hopefully I can work it all out.
"What happened this afternoon?" Luke had called just after Tandy left. "I was expecting to see you when I got home."
"I'm sorry. I had a headache and I just decided to come home."
"Well, we still have a lot more to talk about." He sounded a little irked and that irked her.
"Luke, this doesn't feel like our wedding anymore. I don't think anything we're doing was what I had originally planned. Or what we'd talked about."
"Rayna, this is what we signed on for when we agreed to let People cover the wedding."
"I didn't agree to that." She knew she sounded petulant, but it was also true. She had not wanted People to cover the wedding. She didn't want such a private moment to be on display for the whole world. Luke was the one who'd basically agreed to it and told her they were doing it. Ostensibly he had asked her, but it had been clear it wasn't a real ask.
"Well, it's done now, so we need to just go with it." It was his turn to sound a little testy.
"And then Bucky said you wanted to add 40 to 50 more dates to the tour?"
"Strike while the iron's hot. Let's face it, Rayna. We're Ruke now. Or Layna. Whatever you want to call us is fine with me. We're a brand and we need to build on that. It's what I've been doing for probably a decade now and it takes a lot of work to keep things going."
She sighed. "I don't know if I want that, Luke. When are we going to have time to bond as a family? All of us?"
"We'll bring the kids out when we can. It'll all work out. You'll see. Look, I'll talk to Jimmy and get him together with Bucky to schedule time for our teams to get together to discuss the tour."
He kept talking and she really wasn't listening. He didn't even seem to notice.
I don't even have a 'team'.
She was sitting at the kitchen island, feeling like her life was spinning out of control. She heard a knock and frowned. I don't need any more uninvited guests. She got up and walked to the door. When she opened it, there was a clean-cut young man standing there.
"Are you Ms. Jaymes?"
She nodded. "I am."
The young man held out a large manila envelope. "I was asked to bring this to you. From Littleman and Hendricks."
She breathed in and then took the envelope. "Thank you," she said, her voice barely above a whisper.
The young man smiled and nodded. "Have a good day, Ms. Jaymes." He headed back down the driveway to a car parked on the street as she watched and then she finally turned and walked back into the house, closing the door behind her.
She walked slowly down the hallway, her heart thudding against her chest. She sat on the couch in the den and laid the envelope on her lap. She knew what it was. She'd been expecting it the last few days. She turned it over and slid a finger under the flap and opened it. She pulled out the paperwork inside. She swallowed. In the matter of the marriage of Rayna Jaymes and Deacon Claybourne. Agreed final decree of divorce. She put the papers and the envelope on the coffee table and sat back against the arm of the couch. She could feel the tears on her face and the sorrow in her heart. She felt pain she hadn't expected to feel. I didn't think it would hurt this much.
Deacon
A knock on the door came just as he'd sat down to have an after school snack with Maddie and Levi. He wasn't expecting anyone and thought about ignoring it.
"Someone's at the door, Dad," Levi said, pointing at it.
He smiled. "Yep. I guess I should see who it is."
"Maybe it's somebody bringing ice cream."
He laughed and rubbed the top of his son's head. "I don't think so, but we'll see." He got up and walked to the door. When he opened it, it was an older man dressed casually but still business-like.
"Mr. Claybourne?"
He frowned. "Yes."
The man handed him a large envelope. "From the Law Offices of Barry Wilson."
He took it. "Thanks." The man, having done his job, turned, and headed back down the steps. He closed the door and stood looking at the envelope.
"What is it, Dad?" Maddie asked.
He breathed in, then turned to face them. He walked back to the table, dropping the envelope on the counter. He forced a smile on his face. "Not ice cream," he said.
He waited until after the kids were in bed before he picked up the envelope again. It had been on his mind all day though and more than once either Maddie or Levi had expressed exasperation over his failure to stay focused. He stood at the counter and took a deep breath before he opened it. When he pulled out the paperwork, he felt like his heart had been squeezed. He'd known it was coming, but it didn't mean it didn't still hurt.
His heart was pounding so hard in his chest that he was surprised the kids didn't hear it, as he turned into Rayna's neighborhood. He felt anxious about seeing her. His intention was to get away as soon as he could. Even though he knew his own actions had gotten them to this place, it didn't make it any easier to bear.
When they pulled in and parked, Maddie got herself out, running for the door. He got Levi out before he could start yelling and he followed his sister. He got the kids' bags out of the back of his truck and headed for the door. Rayna was standing there, and he supposed the kids had already either run upstairs or back to the den. He stood as far back as he could and held the bags out. She hesitated, then took them, and he started to turn.
"Deacon," she called out and he stopped. He didn't look at her. "Deacon, please." He turned and stood with his hands on his hips, not wanting to have this kind of conversation. He was surprised at the sadness in her eyes. She had dropped the bags and walked out onto the walkway so that she was just steps from him. "I can't believe this is where we are," she said. He couldn't speak. His throat felt closed up and he couldn't even swallow. She was twisting her hands as she looked at him. "I never thought this would happen to us."
He could feel the dampness in his eyes, the tears he didn't want her to see. "But it did," he managed to choke out. He took a step back and rubbed his hand over his mouth. "I gotta go. I can't do this," he said. He turned then and walked quickly to his truck, got in, and backed out of her driveway quickly, not looking back.
The tears he'd held in ever since he'd gotten the final decree finally spilled out of his eyes as he drove home. It was the first time in a long time that he wanted a drink. He wanted to drown all of this out, the damage he'd done that had led to this. It wasn't supposed to be this way, Ray. It wasn't. He knew if he hurried that he could get to a meeting. He'd be late, but he knew he needed it. He had lost Rayna, but he couldn't lose his kids.
Rayna
She had not realized how much getting the final divorce papers would rock her. Then seeing Deacon's obvious pain had hurt her heart. Even with as much pain as he'd caused her, ending their relationship this way still left her feeling hollow inside. The time at the cabin had complicated things, led to her feeling things she hadn't expected to feel. The divorce should have felt simple, considering all that had happened, but it was anything but.
When she was 16 years old, she had met Deacon Claybourne and her life had changed. She had fallen in love with him inside of 10 minutes. They had grown up together. They had so much history together. They had gone through some of the worst life could throw at them as they fought through Deacon's drinking. She had been there through all of it. It made her wonder why they couldn't have gotten through the drama that happened after he got his contract with Belcourt. That should have been so simple, she thought. So why wasn't it? She knew there were hurt feelings on both sides, as well as each of them pushing the other away. She had felt justified, more than justified, but clearly he had as well. Whether she agreed about that didn't seem as important anymore. They were doing what they'd always done to each other – putting each other through pain.
Luke was supposed to be pain-free, but the truth was that it wasn't that simple either. Luke wasn't a drunk and he hadn't walked away so he could try to have his own career, but it didn't mean there weren't conflicts. His focus on the publicity side was foreign to her. Not that she didn't do her part, with radio interviews, print interviews, special appearances, and so forth, but branding was an unfamiliar concept and she wasn't sure how she felt about it. Luke was an old-fashioned guy in a lot of ways, which in the beginning she appreciated. But over time it had shown up in other ways that, intentional or not, made her feel like she was not as much his equal as she thought she was. Or should be.
She'd made a choice though, a choice she felt was the right one for her and her kids. Maddie didn't seem thrilled, but Levi was excited about living at the ranch. The 2 sets of kids didn't mesh as well yet as she and Luke had hoped, but they also hadn't spent a lot of time together as a family, something she thought would improve once they'd gotten married. Of course, she and Luke were headed out on tour just a couple weeks after the wedding, for a year, or now maybe a year and a half. How much family bonding time would they have? And Deacon had already grumbled some about his ability to see Maddie and Levi, which she understood.
It was just all so complicated.
It was one of those deceptively warm days in late January. It seemed like it happened every year. A week that would feel like spring or early summer, when you'd want to bring out all your warm weather clothes. Sometimes it would tease trees into budding or flowers to start blooming. It never lasted though. Temperatures would soon go back to the 30s and 40s, the wind would turn brisk and cold, and sometimes it even snowed. But it was a beautiful day with clear blue skies and bright sunshine and that made her happy.
She was sitting in the sound room at the studio where Luke was finishing up the last tracks for his album, which would be released in the middle of March, just before the wedding and the start of the Honeymoon Tour. They had met with their managers and the tour manager for lunch to discuss the tour and the extra dates. Luke's talent management director had also been there, talking about global branding, new tour merchandise, and discussing promo opportunities for them as a couple. She'd felt a little overwhelmed by all of it and was glad Bucky was in the room to hopefully navigate her side of things.
She breathed in deeply as she watched Luke's band set up. He'd told her he had a surprise for her, a song he'd written just for her. She was definitely curious because she knew he wasn't a prolific songwriter. In fact, he'd told her he often just contributed a chorus or verse and received songwriter credit along with other songwriters who did most of the writing. It had bothered her as a songwriter. She had, of course, cowritten many songs with Deacon and had cowritten in the past few years with other writers and artists, but she was always focused on being as involved in the process as possible and contributing her fair share. So if he had really written this one on his own, she was looking forward to hearing it.
He came into the sound room behind her, giving her a kiss on the cheek. She turned and looked up at him. "You ready to listen?" he asked, a big smile on his face.
She clasped her hands together and smiled back. "I am."
"It's just a run through. I'll come back to lay the vocal track down later. And I've got another one I want you to listen to and let me know what you think."
"I can't wait." She watched him as he hustled into the studio and got set up with headphones and his mic. The intro started and he began to sing. She listened closely to the words. It was always the way she listened to songs. Her preference was always to listen more than once so that she got the full effect but she wasn't sure that this time she'd get a second chance. As she listened, she felt a little bothered by the song. It didn't sound very complimentary, especially the use of the term 'ball and chain'. It reminded her of the day she'd found the songs Deacon had written, in particular the one he called Sideshow. If this was the song he'd written for her, she was not a fan. The melody was catchy and it was definitely a Luke song, but otherwise it gave her pause.
When he finished he looked at her. "Okay, babe, now I'm doing the one for you."
She felt herself relax and she smiled. She felt better. He then started on a song that sounded much more like something she would have thought he might write for her. The last verse started with 'she likes to sleep with me naked', which she wasn't thrilled with, but the rest of it was fine. At the end, she stood and clapped, a smile on her face. Then she walked out into the studio.
"What'd you think?" he asked.
"Well, that first one was kind of a kicker, but it was fun to listen to."
He laughed. "That's something this young songwriter wrote. I heard it and really liked how it sounded and put a hold on it. I'm definitely planning to put it on the record." Then he looked a little nervous. "How about the other one?"
"I liked it. A little different sound for you, but I think your fans will like it. I can't believe you wrote it."
He looked a little sheepish. "Well, I gotta confess that all I wrote was the last verse. It was a group effort and it was my idea, but the guys I was writing with made it all come to life. And all for you, baby." He put his arm on the small of her back and pulled her close, kissing her.
She leaned back and looked up at him, the smile on her face not quite genuine. "Well, what can I say except I appreciate it." She appreciated the thought, but she didn't much appreciate the fact that he hadn't really told her the truth. She had to wonder how much he'd really been involved in the writing of the song.
They were sitting outside by the fire. Even though the day had been spring-like, the evening was a little cool. "So, you never told me, did you decide on a dress the other day?"
She looked over at him. "I did not. Nothing really felt right."
"Don't you need to decide on something soon?"
She nodded. "I do. I'm just not sure what it should look like." She smiled. "Do you have any ideas?"
He chuckled. "I really don't know anything about dresses. I'm sure whatever you pick will be fine." He smiled. "You'll look amazing. You know, though, I've seen pictures of weddings where it looks like the bride wants to be sexy and show a lot of skin. I sure don't mind that in the bedroom" – he leaned towards her and gave her a cheeky smile – "but on your wedding day it seems kind of not right. If you get what I mean."
She thought she understood. Something proper and not too clingy. Demure came to mind. "I appreciate the insight," she said, smiling. "We'll see what we come up with." She looked towards the fire.
"You okay, babe?" She looked at him and saw some concern on his face.
She smiled. "Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"
"I don't know. You seemed a little quiet at the studio. And now here. Something happen?"
She sighed. "Nothing really happened. I did get my final divorce papers a couple weeks ago." She could see his jaw tighten.
"I'm surprised you didn't tell me when you got 'em." She could see a twinge of annoyance in his eyes.
She shrugged. "I needed to process it first. It's not a small thing, as I know you know."
"It's not, but it also has to be a relief, doesn't it? It's been hanging over your head and it needed to be done. Now there's nothing standing in our way. We can get married, get out on the road, promote the hell out of this tour" – he smiled – "and us and get on with our lives."
Somehow it felt like he didn't really understand her at all. "Yes, we can move on with our lives, but I just needed to, you know, take a minute with it."
He looked slightly irritated. "And so you did," he said. He narrowed his eyes a bit. "Did Deacon say something to you?"
She shook her head. "We really didn't talk about it. It just felt sad. I mean, it's been 20 years. That's a long time to be in a relationship with someone."
"Do you regret it? The divorce?"
She looked at him. "No. It needed to happen." She sighed again. "At least it's done."
He nodded, looking a little relieved, she thought. "Yeah, at least it's done."
If I don't regret it, why am I still feeling sad about it?
