Summary: Elliot goes to one of Noah's recitals and Elliot and Olivia have a couple, much needed conversations.
Olivia taps a quick message to Elliot on her phone. Did you check your schedule? Noah's asking about you.
After their lunch last weekend, followed by their late-night call, Olivia felt more secure in her decision to bring Elliot into her and Noah's life. Their lunch went as smooth as a lunch between two old friends (with an ocean and decade's worth of miles and time between them) and a curious child could go. But Elliot has always been great with children and he kept the conversation with Noah going seamlessly. They chatted about dance, soccer, video games, Elliot's kids and grandkids, being a cop (even though Noah already knew a lot about that), school, and Italy.
Olivia was left out of much of the conversation, but she wasn't bothered. She had reached out to Elliot to pull him into Noah's life. Hers too, but her goal right now was to give Noah a positive male role model. If that means she slowly gained her friend back, or more , she wasn't going to run away scared or at least, she was going to try her damndest to stay put and let it happen. She'd even set up an appointment with Dr. Lindstrom that following week to discuss her recent choices and actions and to give her the strength to keep the door to Elliot open. He told her that he was proud of the progress she was making but reminded her to be honest with herself about her motives. My motives? She'd questioned his meaning her entire way home.
Olivia had a lot more to say during Elliot's call that night, however. She'd told Elliot the whole story about how she became a mother: finding Noah in a dresser; following him through his many placements in foster care; the kind and gracious hand of Judge Linden; his illnesses as a young child; and the tragic and violent deaths of his biological parents. She hinted to much more—like that finding Noah saved her and that there had been trouble after his adoption with his biological family-–but refused to tell those stories, noting that they would take all night.
"I understand Liv. I've missed so much, there is no possible way for you to tell me all of it in one night. Maybe we can talk again soon?" Elliot had offered around 12:30 a.m., two hours into their call.
Olivia yawned, but agreed. "I'd like that. Call me later this week. I need to hear more about your life in Italy, too."
"Eh, not much to tell there. But I'll call you."
Elliot followed through on his promise. He'd called Olivia a couple nights later. He told her about some of his cases in Italy, including his colleagues, like Tia Leonetti. Olivia could sense that he was trying to be open about everything and also testing her reactions. She tried to lie to herself about the sting in her gut when she heard how much he loved his work overseas, how successful he'd been, and that he was able to work so closely with other people, other women. She also noticed how he kept his stories work related and was careful to avoid sharing too much about his marriage. She's not sure if that to spare her feelings or if there was something deeper hiding in those silences.
They would also chat about their week and the upcoming weekend. Olivia told him that Noah had still been asking about him and wanted to invite him to his upcoming Thanksgiving recital that Friday. Elliot agreed to check his schedule and get back to her.
Her phone buzzed with Elliot's response. Yup. I'm free. I'll be at his recital on Friday.
Then a second buzz. Can I bring the twins? Mo and Carl asked me to babysit.
Do you think they will have a good time? She questions.
His response is almost immediate, as if he's watching her phone for her text. Absolutely! With the promise of ice cream after.
Smiling, she texts back. Ha! Ice cream is always a big winner. We will see you all on Friday.
Friday rolled around quickly, not unlike the fast pace of the week before, and Olivia was nervous again. She had to get Noah to the recital early so he could get dressed and warmed up.
Sitting in her seat, near an aisle but in the middle of the auditorium, she scrolled aimlessly through her phone until 6:00, the time she told Elliot to arrive. She looked around the small auditorium. It was filling up, but no sign of him or his grandkids. She looked for a text from him, but nothing.
Soon it was 6:05.
Then 6:10.
Then 6:15.
Her heart sinks.
This is exactly what she'd feared: introducing Elliot to Noah, having Noah like him and expect to see him, only to have his expectation shattered and feel unwanted by another person.
She pulled out her phone to call him and give him a piece of her mind, but it went to voicemail.
By 6:20 the lights in the auditorium were dimming. She was thinking of excuses to tell Noah on Elliot's behalf, when she felt a hand on her shoulder and heard Elliot's winded voice.
"Liv, I'm so sorry," he urges, panic evident on his face, desperate for her to believe him. "We were stuck in traffic. There was an accident…and the new route was 10 minutes out of our way and then parking…"
Olivia stands and puts a hand up, stopping his explanation. "It's okay. I'm just glad you made it," then looking down and seeing the two boys, "I'm glad that all of you made it."
"Me too," Elliot agrees. "These are Maureen's boys, Seamus and Kieran," he tells her before looking down at the twins, "Boys, this is my friend Olivia, can you say hello?"
Seamus and Kieran both offer a shy and quiet "hello" and small wave.
Olivia smiles down at them. "It's so nice to finally meet you. I've heard so much about you."
She finally had a moment to take in the sight before her. Elliot was in his typical 3-piece suit, and the twins were dressed in slacks, matching button-ups, and had clip-on ties secured at their necks. And in each of their hands were bouquets.
Elliot had two, and handed one to Olivia, "This is for you."
Smiling, she takes the flowers and sniffs at them before seeing the lights in front of the stage brighten, signaling the start of their show. She steps back and points to the chairs behind her. "We better take our seats, they start soon."
Elliot sits the boys between himself and Olivia and whispers instructions on their expected behavior (with a promise of an ice cream reward), before smiling at Olivia and turning to the stage.
Much to Olivia's surprise the boys made it through the recital without any trouble, well, nothing more than expected. There were a few reminders not to kick the chairs in front of them and a couple rough whispers of "stop fighting with your brother," heard out of the side of Elliot's mouth. But all in all, the event went smoothly.
So smooth that it took her until the nearly the last dance to realize that Elliot's hand had found its way to her shoulder. When she caught it she looked at him, but he just grinned and pointed to the stage.
Now they were waiting near the dressing rooms to pick up Noah. Olivia knew he'd be over the moon that Elliot made it and that he brought Seamus and Kieran. He was excited to see Elliot again and meet some new kids. As much as he liked spending time with Billie and Jessie, he was ready to expand his play group a bit. Especially after his mom had halted his play dates with Hudson and his sister.
Noah came rushing out to meet them just a few moments later.
"Elliot! You made it!"
"Of course, I said I'd be here. And you did so great!" he says offering Noah a high-five, that Noah has to jump to hit.
Once he's back on his feet, Olivia directs him to the two boys next to Elliot. "Noah, this is Seamus and Kieran, Elliot's grandsons, they came to watch your recital."
"Cool! Hey Kieran! Hey Seamus!" Noah says excitedly, clearly his energy still high from his show.
They greeted him with a similar enthusiasm as Olivia, clearly a bit overwhelmed by the entire evening. But, as if practiced, they both pushed their hand out with their small bouquets and recited, "You did a really good job."
"Thank you," Noah says politely, reaching for the flowers. Like his mom, he puts them to his nose and sniffs. "They smell really good!"
Elliot puts his hands on the boy's backs to guide them and nods at Noah, "Come on, we are headed out to get ice cream!"
"Where are we going?" Noah asks, reaching for his bag. Olivia stops him, with a quiet, "you hold your flowers, and I'll get your bag."
"It's a surprise," Elliot answers cryptically with an ornery grin.
Noah looks back to his mother questioningly, but she just smiles and shrugs.
About twenty minutes later, the two cars finally pulled up in front of Elliot's apartment building.
"Mom is this an ice cream shop?" Noah questions from the backseat, realizing that the building doesn't look like any place he's been before.
"No Noah, this is Elliot's apartment. He invited us back to eat ice cream and play board games. Is that alright with you?" Olivia had assumed Noah would be alright with these plans, which is why she agreed when Elliot proposed the idea, but she still felt the need to give Noah an out if he felt uncomfortable.
"Yea, do you know what games he has?"
Shaking her head, "No, I don't. We'll just have to go in and see."
The entire night went off without a hitch.
Elliot set up a banana split buffet with several types of ice cream and at least 10 toppings. Then three boys played games while riding their sugar highs. Olivia and Elliot laughed so hard at an odd game where the boys kept tossing stuffed burritos at each other. Then all the boys, Elliot included, played with some magnetic building pieces, building taller and taller towers, before the younger ones started a game of tag. It was short-lived in such a small space and the raucous play gave way to demands to watch a popular superhero show on Disney+.
Olivia was so happy to see Noah getting along with Seamus and Kieran and feeling comfortable with Elliot and in his space. This is really what she wanted, to give Noah another safe place and adult in his life, a man that Noah could turn to if needed for guidance, example, and help.
By 10:30, Elliot and Olivia were sitting at the kitchen table with a bottle of wine on the table and the boys were fighting sleep in the living room while their show droned on.
"So, do you want to tell me about Ed yet?" Elliot asks, tapping on the table.
Olivia laughs, "God, you are never going to let this go, are you?"
He shakes his head and answers, "No, I'm not."
She scoffs, "You've always been a jealous bastard."
"That's me," he agrees with a solemn nod.
Olivia inhales deeply and looks to the living room nervous about Elliot's reaction to the upcoming revelation. "If I tell you about Ed, I need you to promise that you will keep your cool."
But Elliot shocks her, "I already know Ed is Tucker, Liv."
Her head whips around to him, confusion on her face. "Then why do you keep pushing this?"
He shrugs, "I just wanted to hear it from you, I guess. I'm at a loss for how it happened. When I left he was a rat, and we both hated him. And then I just learned that you loved this man and considered settling down with him."
She takes a sip of her wine before responding. "There's not much to tell. We went from sworn enemies to respected co-workers, and then, somehow, we became friends and then more. He was a good man, El. He really loved me, I think, and treated Noah so well." Her eyes well slightly, saddened by the memories of Ed now that he is gone.
"Hey, hey," Elliot reaches towards her, rubbing down her arm soothingly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you sad. I can't seem to talk to you at all without making you cry."
She shakes her head and breathes in, wiping her eyes. "It's okay. I just…I wish it could have ended differently."
"I know, I know you do. It wasn't fair what happened to you or him. I'm sorry you had to go through that," he says sincerely. As confused as he is by Olivia and Ed's relationship, he can see the real love and sadness in her eyes.
She gives him a sad smile and sniffles, "Thank you. It means a lot, coming from you."
He smiles gently, waiting for the tension to calm before he speaks up again.
Olivia speaks first, desperate to change the subject, "Tell me…tell me about something in Italy."
"What do you want to know?"
She's not sure where she gets the gumption, but she has to know. And it's her turn to demand answers, even if it's uncomfortable for him. She also knows that there is so much to get out into the open before she can actually trust that they can be more. "Were you and Kathy really happy?"
He inhales deeply, before he asks, "Asking the tough questions, huh?" He stands from his stool and walks to the cabinet by the sink. He swaps his wine goblet for a bar glass, filling about half full of whiskey.
Olivia turns in her seat, watching him over, feeling sorry for springing this on him. "El…I'm sorry…you don't…"
He shakes his head and raises his hand, interrupting her. "No, no, you deserve to know what you want."
She nods and waits for him to start. Elliot turns and leans against the counter, keeping the table between them.
"We were as happy as we ever were, I guess. We were still us, you know. Our problems didn't disappear just because the scenery was prettier." He takes a drink, a big one, letting the alcohol burn down his throat.
"I loved my wife," he said firmly.
She knows he needs to say it, but his love for Kathy has not ever been questioned. At least not by her.
"I know you did, El. I didn't mean to…if this is too hard…" she trails off, offering her an out, though she wants to hear what he has to say.
He waves her off again, taking a smaller sip.
"Kathy and I, we worked for a lot of things. But not for everything. When we first moved, everything seemed alright. I had kinda gotten out of my head, begged my priest for forgiveness for Jenna, and I felt alright . Italy was like a much-needed vacation. But it didn't take long for me to get restless. I needed to be working, doing something. And then, it was like everything was the same. I was working too late, not helpful enough in the home, missing out on too much with Eli. We were having the same fights we'd always had, recycling the same lines again and again."
He takes another sip and then a deep breath, as if he is considering whether he wants to say what's on his mind next. He decides that he needs to be honest, forthcoming. "And…and she uh, she never really believed me that we," he points to her and back to him, "stopped talking. Kathy never got over that insecurity. And there wasn't anything I could do about it."
Olivia stands and walks to him, stopping when she's right in front of him, her hands crossed defensively over her chest. "I'm sorry she didn't believe you. You never did anything wrong, there wasn't anything like that between us."
As much as she hurt for years, feeling deep, unending pain because she didn't get a good-bye or an explanation, but was completely ghosted, Olivia knew that it also had to hurt to have a spouse that never really trusted you, or believed in your fidelity.
"I don't blame her. I mean, you and I were close. She felt it and had to suffer through her fears for years. She was constantly worrying that I was cheating. She knew, at least I think she knew, that I never physically cheated. But you and I did have a…a connection , an emotional one and maybe that was just as bad. Like an emotional affair, you know?"
"It was the job, El," Olivia urges, placing a hand on his shoulder, close to his neck, her thumb rubbing over the warm skin there. "We had to be close or we could have never done our job. Those lines blur when you work that closely because you have to have a deep trust and know each other's instincts."
"I know, I know," he shakes his head, looking at his socked feet. "But she begged me for years to quit the job, choose her over our partnership and I couldn't. It was more than just the job. I…I couldn't give you up. I wanted to be that close to you, to see you, and be around you every day. Even if it was just as your partner. I knew it was all I'd get with you; all I'd be allowed to have. And I couldn't give it up. She had a right to be upset at that."
She swallows and nods as his admission sinks. Deep down she'd known this, but to finally hear it directly from him was a relief, and confusing.
Her silence scares him. "Liv, I'm sor–"
Olivia lifts her hand to cut him off. It's her turn to be honest. He's being vulnerable with her right now, freely and voluntarily. She feels as if she owes him the same. "I felt it too, El. We were too close, and I couldn't give you up either. I tried," she shakes her head in disbelief, "God, I tried so hard to quit you, to make myself give up on what I wanted from you. I knew we could never…but I…I wanted it so bad and I was willing to just take what I could get."
His eyes soften and he nods, inhaling deeply through his nose. He doesn't have a response and she doesn't continue.
There's nothing more to say tonight. They've finally admitted out loud what they both knew to be true but had always been unspoken. It was a lot to have that settling around them. And Olivia, after receiving that letter last year, needed to think about it for a bit. She knew his words were true right now, but she needed to reconcile it with the lies he willingly handed over to her on paper. It stung a lot.
She looks at her phone, checking the time, then whispers, "It's late."
"Yea."
"I need…Noah…"
He sets his glass down and turns towards the hall that leads to the bedrooms. "Let me. I'll get him."
"El," Olivia says quietly.
"Yea, Liv?"
She can't form the words, but walks to him with her arms outstretched, reaching for him. He smiles thankfully and steps into her arms, wrapping her up in a hug. His solid chest pressed against her. His strong arms holding her up. She doesn't want to let go, but eventually she does.
"I've got to…" she thumbs to the hallway.
It's past midnight when she gets herself tucked into bed when she sees the notification, a missed text from Elliot.
I meant to ask you earlier tonight. Do you and Noah have plans for Thanksgiving? We want you to join us for dinner if you can.
