Chapter 8

The Hardest Thing

Jay decided to come over Sean's place, which he did from time to time to shoot the shit, smoke a little pot and spend time with his friend of course. Sean opened the door when he heard knocking, they hadn't had a day like this in a while where they spent time one on one between Sean and Emma, his own dependencies in his relationship with Alex and Sean always had been working on Simpsons car. This summer was shaping up to be a downer for him and he needed and was parched for fun in his life.

"Hey Sean, my man!"

"Hey, I got a lot to unload on you, come in."

Jay schlepped to the couch and plopped himself on, " lie down and tell me about it." Jay mimicked that mannerism of a doc or a psychiatrist.

"Dude, it's kind of serious. No jokes please." He paused for a beat and then went on to say as he chose his words very carefully. "I've been hanging out with Emma and I know you dislike her for whatever reason but I knew her for a long time before you, before Ellie when I didn't have friends or whatever."

"She wants you to save the whales or join that loser SITE group?"

"No, we didn't talk about any of that. What is your big issue with her?"

"She already thinks she has me figured out she looks down on us. I can't believe you'd talk to her when you got yourself a cool one who doesn't talk about shitty things like the environment and pandas and whales shit. And I didn't like how she talked to you dude but she's the biggest stick in the mud kind of girl. You were miserable with her then, and in my opinion if you guys spend more time together you'll realize she ain't so great and be miserable again. She's also bossy and" Sean glared at him and he said, '' Whatever, don't shoot the messenger." Jay muttered as he took out a fresh cigarette and put it to his lips and added muffled, "you asked."

Sean rolled his eyes, "whatever it's just you don't know her you've maybe talked to her like twice."

"She's not like us. She's like that girl from Grease before she started smoking cigarettes with Travolta and shit." He lit the match and took a puff, "want one?"

"I don't want that though." Sean wordlessly took the carton from Jay and took a cigarette and lit it with the matches, "I'm not gonna make her compromise or change her values or who she is."

"Little late for that. What did you even say to even make this a thing and why? Emma is like a girl who is allergic to parties or anything fun. Girl needs to just mellow out. I don't know why we are talking about her. You got Ellie."

"I don't know," Sean exhaled a cloud of smoke and ashed it onto the ashtray.

"Don't tell me you're dumping Ellie! If I find out you cheated on her dude now Ellie can hang."

"Then you go and date her then."

"No way. You know Lexxi and I are pretty serious and besides what's going to happen to double cheese pizza nights with you me El and Amy when she wants to tag along. Now that's all ruined."

"Fives a crowd." Sean stammered, "I really don't want to hurt her but it's just not working out. I didn't expect it. Honestly I didn't think we'd be what we became and how we feel more like friends than boyfriend and girlfriend these days. We don't kiss much or are ever intimate but we do cuddle and hold hands and she calls me babe and we talk for hours on end about stuff. The truth of the matter is I feel like a buffer for her shitty relationship with her mom. Anytime they butt heads or her mom gets sloshed and shit she runs to me but I don't know. I feel kind of used. I don't even think much about it and since she's been gone and yes I feel all kinds of guilty, I don't think I want it with her anymore."

"Because of Greenpeace?"

"No. In general, Jay. It's just Ellie isn't the girl I wake up and miss or think of first thing or dream like I already feel guilty enough put it to you this way, do you think of Alex first thing?"

"Yeah because she is my girlfriend. She is in my dreams and when she's not staying over I wake up and miss her. That's sad dude. So what're you saying, what happened?"

"Nothing."

"Dude you can tell me I can keep a secret. What did you do?"

"Well you know I was busy fixing up Simpson's car because I wanted to make up for how I was a jerk when I stole the laptop and all. Emma came out and gave me some homemade lemonade and somehow I just knew I had royally fucked up with her. Sure she's pretty I don't mean it like that but I'm somehow still hung up on how I hurt her and her family by proxy and yet I find myself wanting to spend time with her to prove to her and myself I'd never hurt her again."

"Oh my God. You're in love with her."

"Mind your biz, for once, Jay." Sean hid his embarrassment trying not to react, "so yeah we've been spending a lot of time together since even before El left for vacation and now I gotta face the music."

"You guys didn't bone, did you? Oh wait no because that girl may as well have prude written on her forehead."

Sean didn't say anything, he knew the truth, "I don't really want to talk about this like that. Yeah we hooked up of course and it doesn't matter but Emma wants me to wait but it's not nice to string Ellie along when all along it's Emma, it's always been her. I feel like a huge jerk and an idiot."

"You're being ultra mushy, I'm right you do love her and you guys totally bumped uglies. You got it bad for her. This has been an unexpected development in the Sean Cameron reel I mean fascinating like Emma Greenpeace Nelson being the other woman in this scenario who'd of thought?"

"What do you mean? Nevermind that. I'm not gonna tell El why when I cut things off I'm just gonna break it off."

"You think you got it all figured out? What are you going to say exactly?"

"We need to break up? I guess? I don't know. A sliver of truth, like maybe I think we spend too much time together. When Emma and I split up we just never had a conversation. I feel like I've already put it off for too long with Ellie. I did really like her but I just don't love her.I mean am I the bad guy here or the ass?

"Hate to break it to you but yes, yes you are. You cheated on her while she was away and you are stringing her along until you come up with the right shit to say so yes."

"You're right and I hate to admit that but she doesn't have to know the details. I wouldn't want to know if she got with someone while she was away or whatever. I don't wanna know."

"All I know is it's gonna be awkward, no matter what. I hope you are prepared with what you're going to say, how you say it and don't bring up Emma no matter what she'll be suspish about her and from what I see they get along. Imagine how the other woman is feeling knowing she's like the bad guy, for once I'm looking saintly."

"Shut up about that. I mean it's only right to split up when you're not good together like before."

"You're kind of messing up a good thing period."

"It's a good thing you're not me right now."

"AInt that the truth. Now are we gonna smoke joints or what?"

Sean darted him a look and Jay calmly relented, "I know I haven't been the best of friends with Emma. I know I haven't even been doing right by you either but I don't know I thought you guys were happy."

"We were. We used to be. I don't know, it's just Emma is a big part of my heart and right now it seems like she's got all of it."

"I didn't expect you to be a marshmallow, Cameron." Jay snickered as he pulled out some zig zags and a lighter to prepare their smoke session. "Not to get too mushy on you dude but I miss this. We did this shit all the time when we first started hanging out."

Sean nodded in confirmation and Jay kept talking about the "good old days" that Sean remembered all too well as the time he felt a heartbreak, that heart in question being Emma's. He remembered how they'd share looks in the halls. How she'd avoid his eyes for a while, how he'd purposefully even if he was with Amy would just do the most to get a rise out of her. Now he knows that hanging out with Jay brought out his worst qualities. He wanted to hurt Emma now he feels a lifetime of regret and the vow to correct it. He couldn't stop thinking about the time they'd been spending together these past few weeks. If it hadn't been for Jay and his insecurities getting the best of him, needing Emma and resenting her instead to the point he turned to theft and shattered the two people who'd done so much for him already.

He could spend every day proving himself but the emptiness and regrets will only remain as a constant reminder, jumping through hoops to unbreak her heart even if time could heal it, he feels the sting knowing he simply discarded her when the going got tough. They were fun times happening all at once, but they certainly were lacking something.

Being friends with The Candy Bandits was like being outlaws. None of the kids in the crew had parents that gave a damn. Jay was emancipated living on his own after being booted from his dad's, Alex's mom was a drunk and too busy being her boyfriend Chad's punching bag and blowing their money to boot, Sean was on his own after Tracker skipped town, Towerz too was on his own after his mom got incarcerated for dealing drugs out of the back of the local diner to make ends meet, and Amy's parents were fried drug addicts who ratted Towerz mother out when her supply got dried out. Liberty, who was dating Towerz most of last year tried to get her charges reduced so that he didn't have to enter the system, but the judges didn't rule in their favor and she got 3 years and he's now in foster care but was fortunate not to be separated from his friends. They were like akin to a family, a found family. Sean sees Jay as like a brother even though he'd brought him nothing but trouble. Sometimes he wondered if he stayed in Wasaga Intermediate instead of attending Degrassi Community he'd have a chance at friendship where he felt like he was understood or had things in common with. Jay, even though he's in this clique, doesn't truly belong because he came from wealth and lost it all due to his rebellious and kleptomaniac nature, it cost him everything, inheritance and all. He traded it for a life of drinking, drugs, stealing and debauchery. When it comes to Jay like a cool cat, he lands on his feet and he has no regrets to speak of which was alluring to Sean at the time when Emma was leaving him alone but she had a legitimate reason whereas Jay takes what he wants, cons who he doesn't want and cheats people out of their money and manipulates people like the leader of the chess team but he'd never join something like that.

At first Sean was intimidated by the found friends, even if he'd never admit it out loud but the lack of supervision and the desperate need to let loose and have fun for once in his life, throwing caution to the wind and simply giving into his deepest, darkest dreams that soon realized how fairweather it all seems. Sure their friendship is today but when is it going to be Sean's turn to be screwed over, used, ratted out possibly when light becomes shed on his extra-curricular activities he couldn't trust a single one of the lot. He always thought coming to this new school he wouldn't be subject to being a outcast who was looked down upon due to his socioeconomic background and his past being a rumor circulating out of the halls, back then that was the worst thing he'd done knocking out Tyler Bishop and costing him his hearing, but stealing from a sick man and giving in to his temper all that changed, rather his world changed when he met Emma. He'd never known anyone like her at his old school. The school was filled with kids from the trailer park or wrong side of the tracks, a place where the trashy and married and mixed with cheugy and domestic disputes were the norm, but Degrassi had this sophistication where he thought where kids came from normal, leave it to beaver-esque homes. In Wasaga, parents worked, had meager means kids were either running in the streets and growing up too fast or they were latch keys. A few kids were fortunate, lived in condos but those kids were what Sean would call the summer kids or renters being a local sucked because when everything calms down Wasaga Beach becomes practically a desolate wasteland.

Tyler was one of the ones that had money but his father had to move to the condo after his parents split up and he got to live with dad, in fact before the big incident he was a big shot like Jay.

One of these days, even though Jay would call him like he sees it he'll get what is coming to him if he doesn't straighten himself out but maybe not to the extent where it was with Tyler. Until he met Jay, he didn't know how bad he could be. He'd be lying to himself if he didn't like when people felt intimidated when he'd walk the halls. Whisperings from his first rodeo battle littering the hallways of something he was once so ashamed of. He simply couldn't take it anymore. Sean wasn't a bully, and in the company of the bandits he became the antithesis of who he was, or perhaps maybe he was simply misunderstood. Every day he was picked on, spit on, beat up by Tyler and his guys and he didn't speak up for himself and Sean had nobody in his corner so he took the abuse. The days collided one worse than the next, he used to fight back but it was three or four guys against one and they were older.

His parents of course worried more about themselves or drinking up than to even notice the bruises on him. He was constantly afraid of what he'd do, so he started thinking about ways to get back at him and to get him off of his back permanently. Slowly but surely, Sean learned to take care of himself and get into working shape. He joined the local Youth Center and was volunteering to earn access to the gym. He found solace in working out, older guys taught him how to lift weights and do basic exercises for the first time in a while there was some hope. His dad got hurt doing an odd job and money was tight. That was a stressor that left him in limbo almost on the street. A few days later shit hit the fan Tyler challenged Sean and obviously it was bad and it was the last straw they had it out, he saw red and blacked out the rest is pretty much history. He was on the first bus to Toronto and moved in with his brother who moved out a few years prior. Tracker meant well, he tried to help him stay on the straight and narrow and worked hard to support them at his many different jobs but he also wanted some privacy and Sean understood that. So he went from being bullied to being the bully and it wasn't a good feeling for him.

Just then, Sean heard a knock at the door breaking him out of his thoughts and much to Sean and Jay's surprise in walks Ellie. She dropped her duffel bag and ran toward Sean, lept into his arms and whisked him away with a big kiss. He half-heartedly kissed back not to raise suspicion and he put on a smile, "I thought you were coming tomorrow morning, good to see you. How was everything?"

"Early flight home, I couldn't wait to see you."

Sean uncomfortably murmured, "You didn't stop home?"

" I wanted you to be my first stop before I head on home to unpack, I'm jet lagged so I can't really stay long." She plopped down on the couch, "Good to see you Jay too, why aren't you hanging with Lexxi?"

"Because she's got work and you just totally interrupted our guys' day."

"By guys day you mean getting higher than Snoop Dogg?"

"Ha ha ha, now go home, guys day is in sesh."

Sean raised his voice, "Quit the bickering, you guys I thought you were team Ellie." He made a face, "I mean shit."

"Team Ellie as opposed to what? What does team Ellie exactly mean, Sean?"

"Forget it, forget I said anything." Sean was embarrassed and humiliated but he deserved to feel called out. He was trying to dodge her. He muttered a curse under his breath inaudiably.

"No I'm not gonna just forget it." She stood up and wouldn't take no for an answer, "Jay what is going on? Sean, you're acting really weird. It's fucked up.

All that was missing was a bowl of popcorn for Jay as if he were playing monkey in the middle watching them like a ping pong ball back and forth. He reveled in the drama.

"No I'm not." He uncomfortably hesitated nervously, chucked out loud lying through his teeth, "I mean I thought you liked Ellie for me that's all I'm saying I guess over somebody like my ex Amy."

Jay rooted his friend on, "Nice one, Sean."

"Right." Ellie raised her eyebrow, Sean had never been weirder around her, and she decided it was best if she left, maybe she could pry Ashley from Craig for a few hours to bend her ear on what exactly she is to do in this situation. "If you didn't wanna hang, you didn't have to offend me to get me to leave, what is up with you?"

"Jeez El, lighten up. Look, I'm sorry I just wasn't expecting you, I'm a tad bit baked and I got a lot on my mind." Sean made excuses. He didn't want to hurt her, he also didn't want to keep her from the truth for too long or lie by omission. The truth of the matter is he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. Ellie led Sean into the kitchen where they could argue privately even if Jay wants to eavesdrop at this point. Sean shut the door and that's where things get weird.

"I came here hoping you were alone because I wanted to, you know, be intimate with you." Ellie told him, "I think we're ready and I'm ready to take that leap of faith or whatever with you and I hate getting mushy like this but I think this could be good for us to take that big step and I love you, so so much and please say something."

"I uh, I don't know but I don't think that's a good idea. I'm so extremely flattered but -"

Her heart sank and she felt crestfallen uttering a soft, "Why? Why would you be flattered if you're my boyfriend of a year? I thought you'd be excited about this."

"I don't know if I want it all."

"Okay, I respect that. I mean I barged in here uninvited but I guess I misinterpreted the situation or whatever. You know what? Just forget it happened. I swear not mad, if mad were people I am so not a mad hatter."

"It's okay Ellie, I just - there's more you might want to sit down."

"I'm fine standing."Sean gazed at Ellie exasperatedly relented afterwards and then slowly and begrudgingly sat down and looked at Sean's eyes uncertain with concern.

"Ellie I really, really liked you when I first met you-"

"I can't take back that I told you I love you, I'm sorry if you weren't ready."

"Don't be sorry."

"What do you mean I feel like I've lost you for some reason, is there somebody else?."

"You'll never lose me if you need me. I'm still here no matter what, just some things have to change."

"You don't want to be in a relationship with me?"

"If I'm being honest it's too much. I'm keeping you from your obligations at home with your mom, I know it's not a secret she doesn't like me, you can do a lot better than me, you deserve someone who stimulates you, likes to do things like read and write shit. I can barely scrape a sentence together and I don't really like to read unless it's an assignment and even then I find it bogus. I feel like you think you can depend on me for every little thing."

"What's too much though? How?!"

"Us. You and I are too intense."

"Oh my God what the fuck? Are we seriously breaking up right now?"

Sean sighed sadly, avoiding eye contact. He didn't want to do this so soon but he decided to bite the bullet and rip off the bandage, "I like you but I don't love you. It's not for a lack of trying but it's just not working. You were gone a few weeks and it felt like an eternity. I can't do this, a long distance relationship. It puts a strain on our relationship."

"I shouldn't have to compromise my dreams for you. I thought you were better than Sean, what is it? I know that's not it. What is it really?"

Ellie narrowed her eyes and he could see her boiling inside. She got up and smacked him across the face, "Know what? I don't give a shit. Do whatever you want. Fuck you, Sean. You suck, asshole." She slammed the door behind her; he didn't go after her. Sean felt stupid. Maybe though, she was right. What if it's going to be more of the same. What if Sean himself is the problem, or part of the problem. What if he's being hasty? All he knows is that it's over between him and Ellie and now he's embarking into an uncharted territory.