Chapter 9
Heartbreaks and Hopes
Sean felt shitty in regards to Elle and the big break up. Ellie slammed the front door he followed her out of the bedroom then, into the living room and then she sprinted toward the front door. Slammed it behind her but Sean didn't follow her out. Instead he asked Jay, "So you heard?"
Jay replied, "Every word. That escalated quickly."
Sean muttered, "Man did it ever."
As Sean seated himself back onto the couch he let out an exasperated sigh wondering aloud, "What do I do now?"
"My advice? Follow your heart but also take your time. It's not what I would do, hell I can't believe I'm saying this but Ellie is a closed door . It's dunzo and kaput. I say take it by day. Maybe Emma isn't the answer but maybe she is. Feel me?" Jay took a deep breath, "you asked for my advice after all and I haven't a clue what to tell you. It seems like you need time to test what you want. Otherwise you'll have two broken hearts, three if you manage to break your own in the mix."
"I never thought I'd ever hear you give good advice."
"I didn't know I could fuck up so bad." Matter-of-factly he added further explaining himself. "I thought I'd have time to think of what I wanted to say. Instead, it imposed on me and then she came in and I felt like a possum backed into a corner."
"Only you didn't lash out, you seemed calm."
"I didn't know what to do, how to act or what to say. Now I feel like a complete asshole. She must think I don't care, but I did and I do but I just don't know. I guess what's done is done, I didn't want to hurt anybody. I didn't sign up for that aspect."
"Whether she knows the truth or not she's gonna hurt either way. Give her space because you'll only make it worse. With Emma, my thought is give her space. No girl wants to get with a guy with baggage from a recent ex or to be the other woman in this scenario."
Sean's mind was wandering and he's lost in his thoughts, but also taking what Jay was saying to heart.
All he can think about is how much of a screw up he was, the worst kind of thinking. That sometimes the only cure is to be around Emma. She never let him or tolerated that sort of thing while they were together. She never wanted him to feel sorry for himself, or woe is me bullshit. She believed in the optimistic and upbeat while Sean, had little to be optimistic about in his day to day. She managed to make the weight on his shoulders seem lighter in her presence. She always knew what to say. She was full of ideas to make light of something no matter how difficult life was for him.
When they were struggling in their relationship during the time. It was when Jack was a newborn and Mr. Simpson was struggling with chemo and cancer treatments. Emma and Sean seldom see one another. He felt discarded, unwanted, alone and less optimistic about things.
He felt lost and more inclined to be in the company of others, even if it was bad company. He didn't feel understood by his so-called friends JT and Toby. They were more Emma's friends anyhow. They didn't vibe with him, they didn't take the time to get to know him.
Take Ashley's party back at the end of the year after the first time Emma and Sean split up. The pair used Emma to get him to the party. With the promise he'd get to say what he wanted to say after he screwed up the first time. He knew Toby kind of had this unrequited crush on Emma. He was shy not stupid about but the two guys almost always having some hairbrained scheme. This time it was that if Sean could 'teach' his ways Emma would go date Toby. Instead the two boys got "high". Against his better judgment, Sean hooked up with Ashley when she hit the fan with Emma later on that night.
When he lost Emma the first time, he struggled most of the summer to get over the loss. He hated that he'd lost her respect and she feared him, ignored him and alienated herself from him. After all, he was still in love with her.
Sean was completely hung up on what he'd done. He tried everything to earn her trust and forgiveness and she was cold. He was thrilled when time away and matchmaking with Manny brought Emma back to him. He vowed he'd never fuck up like before by taking out his pain on her. He knew she was far too valuable in his life but life had other plans.
Emma represented hope and faith and structure in his life. She saw the good in him. She didn't visualize a screw up, the kin of alchies and low class slums she saw potential. They balanced each other out. She was the light to his dark, the yin to his yang, the jelly or jam to his peanut butter and they had this unspoken balance. It was as if she didn't wanna be together anymore, even if its proven to be untrue. He felt like a burden. Hurt turned to anger, words and closure never uttered and as a result hearts ended up fractured. Emma's heart wasn't the only heart broken.
It broke Sean's heart even if it was deferred. They lost one another for a time and that his actions had caused her heartbreak. While the lack of time spent together was out of both of their control. He felt slighted when he felt that way and he lashed out and went back to his old habits. In the beginning of his time in TO, Sean was described and labeled by his peers as some sort of bad boy. In reality, Sean isn't a bad guy, he's a big old softy with a big heart. Deep down under his somewhat temperamental and rough exterior. Now Ellie's heart is broken too, and it's no one's fault but his own. It'd be only a matter of time for Emma to suffer. He couldn't get it off his mind if he tried.
Jay and Sean ended up getting stoned, after that Jay suggested they drink a few glasses of Jack Daniels mixed with Coke while playing video games. A few drinks turned to several and they were pretty plastered within a few hours. Jay decided to walk home around eight that evening. Sean was alone with his thoughts which was not a good thing because all Sean could think about was talking to Emma. He'd sound far from eloquent. He'd be slurring but he had to see her. So that's where he decided to go, around 10 on foot.
When he arrived, he remembered that Emma snuck in and out of her room through the basement window.
She was already sleeping when he got there but when Sean couldn't figure out the window, he softly knocked on it. Emma heard the pitter patter clatter and she sprang up to see what was going on by her basement window. She discovered it was Sean after seeing his face in the window, he was attempting to get her attention by knocking. In a hushed whisper, "Sean, what are you doing?"
"I had to see you."
She beamed, finding it kind of cute but she worried about his presence being uncovered by her parents. She could smell the liquor on him but against her better judgment she allowed him to come in.
"It's over between Ellie and me."
"Oh, okay," Emma said, a little uncomfortable but nosey. she also wanted to know how it went down, judging by how she found him now it didn't seem good.
"I didn't tell her everything," he met Emma's eyes, "I kept you out of it but I hated it, hurting her but I'd never hurt you like this. You know that right?"
She grimaced, she knew he already had hurt her in the past, broke her heart but for some reason she still wants him, she still has feelings. He's still the one she wants to be held by and everything else she could do with someone she had come to love. She didn't feel this way about anybody but him, not even Chris she was this smitten by. It took a lot of self control to accept his behavior; she was uncomfortable about his drinking.
"I know," she replied uncomfortably.
"It didn't go good, she called me an asshole because I wouldn't el-laporate."
"Do you mean elaborate?"
"Yeah," he confirmed bashfully whilst laughing at himself, " I uh I know I kind of promised you'd never see me fucked up. Look at me, you don't wanna see me like this but I'm already here." He was talking out of his ass, but it was almost heartbreaking to see him this way. He was talking about a few years back when he got drunk at dinner with Spike, Snake, Sean and herself. He drank a few glasses of wine at dinner and some booze at Jimmy's party. While at the party, he made a complete ass out of himself and jeopardized their relationship at that time making a bad impression. Finally, he got so sick he threw up after he got kicked out of the party by Jimmy. Emma called her mom, she picked them up and of course Tracker laid into him with a big lecture. "I know you don't like this. I'm sorry."
"Forget about that. Come on, sit down on the bed." Emma commanded and Sean obliged her and closed his eyes. He fought it for a few moments but he gave in and sat down slowly.
He confessed sadly, "She told me that she loved me and I broke up with her. I don't love her, I love you. I liked her a lot, I didn't love her though. So am I a bad person, like I feel like I am."
"No, no of course not."
"You're not only saying that right?"
"I'm not."
"What about what I did to you? We didn't talk. You wanted to talk and then you crumpled something up when you walked away."
"What is it you mean?" Emma was a little confused.
"I said no." Sean sighed, "I was angry with you when I stole from Mr. Simpson. It wasn't even about him, I was blaming him and taking out shit, I mean stuff on him."
He thought it was Mr. Simpson's fault they were having relationship problems. "I didn't like you at the time but it didn't mean I didn't love you. I was so angry that I did something terrible. I stuffed my true feelings because they didn't abandon me like I thought you did. A lot of it would've been resolved with a talk. I wish I knew what you were crumbling up. I always wanted to know but anyway, it's always like that when I make mistakes. My temper got in the way."
"Oh it was a picture of me." Emma's eyes were downcast with mild embarrassment due the vulnerable nature. She couldn't believe he remembered that, she brought her topaz eyes back to him, "for a photo swap it was a peace offering. I wrote something I don't remember. It doesn't matter. It's in the garbage now."
"School pic?" She nodded, "Bet it was pretty. You're so very pretty. Why do you bother with me? Why do you want to be with me?"
Emma was perplexed but she was going to be honest, "Don't do that to me, don't sit there and pretend like you didn't know. I've loved you for so long. She loathed when he was downtrodden. "You're what comes to mind when I envision love. I can tell you when I first liked you, it was an instant and I knew. I know you felt similar if not more. Where am I going to find someone who loves me, and loves me back? You think everyone thinks you got figured out? I'm known as cause girl, or in your words an environmental crusader, a babysitter a-"
"Forget it. I guess we have that sort of thing in common where everyone thinks they know who you are. I didn't ever think about it like that."
"You think I don't know what people say behind my back?" Emma questioned, "especially your friends. How am I gonna be with you if they hate me?" Tears formed in her eyes, "I'm messing your life up and complicating things by existing."
He couldn't answer that question completely, but he did manage to explain his intentions. "Em, I knew you first they're gonna deal with it and besides they don't know you like I do. I love you."
"I love you too." Emma beamed and their lips met, kissing one another. Then they fell and laid back and continued to kiss but they stopped at kissing. He pulled her close.
"I mean it. I'm not going to forget this, can we lay here together." She nodded as an answer. They laid cuddling in silence for a few moments.
Sean cleaned up his act in time and was a little more sober than when he first arrived. He asked her in a soft voice, "Can I stay the night?"
Emma looked him in the eye as they both laid side by side on her twin bed, "Are you sure? It's not very comfortable." She sat up and went to the mini fridge and gave him a bottle of water, "Down this you'll feel better in the morning."
"Thanks Em, you always know what to do and what to say. Sweet dreams and goodnight."
"Goodnight," Emma smiled and he smiled back, and they fell asleep in each other's arms afterwards. She laid her head on his chest, he had his arms around her, they felt safe there. They didn't want the night to end, but they knew that's an unrealistic wish.
