"We have to go help Kyon and Yuki!" Kazuma gasped, spinning about in the alley.

Aqua was instantly at his side, nodding vigorously. "We can't let any more of our friends get taken!"

"Don't bother," the gravelly voice of Batman growled behind them. "If they've been taken, it's to the same place as Haruhi. We'll solve more problems if we get her to talk, and now."

"Dude, don't just kill that woman, how can she talk?" Kazuma said in exasperation, turning his head to glare at Seiya, who was holding the gasping Visha up just enough so she could barely breathe.

"We have a goddess. If she dies through enhanced interrogation techniques, we can simply resurrect her," Seiya said. "So, you're going to talk, aren't you, Viktoriya Ivanovna Serebryakov?"

He eased up his wire a little more, allowing Visha to get a lungful. In reply, she began ranting in what Kazuma recognized from too much Counter Strike as a string of very colorful Russian swear words, though he only got about half of it.

"Not helpful," Seiya sighed, and tightened the nose again. "Guess I'll just kill you and have Aqua interrogate your spirit. No one can resist a goddess for-"

Aqua darted forwards, eyes blazing with anger, fist glowing with magic, Seiya barely managed to dodge to the side, even as Aqua snarled, "THAT'S NOT HOW I USE MY MAGIC ON MY FRIENDS!"

"She isn't your friend, Aqua. She's Tanya's lover," Seiya spat. "They've killed hundreds, if not thousands, and gods number among-"

"Oh my me!" Aqua gasped, reaching out and loosening the noose about Visha's neck and wrapping the other girl in a hug. "I'm so happy to hear that! I knew you and Tanya would make a cute couple! I was pulling for you!"

Hesitantly, Visha reached up and gently patted Aqua on the back. "I, um, that's…very kind…how did you…?"

"Now, some people might think it's wrong because you're both girls, but Tanya was born a boy anyway, and well, I say all love is good!" Aqua said happily.

Seiya growled and made to grab both Aqua and Visha, but Kazuma put a hand on his arm. "Wait. Let her try it her way."

"Why should I? You know she's a fool when it comes to this sort of thing?" Seiya demanded, nostrils flaring. Then he sighed and lowered his fist. "Just like my wife, I suppose. Fine. But if she fails, I have an unmarked van, a car battery, a bucket of water, and a hammer. She'll talk."

Kazuma shuddered slightly, but focused back on Aqua and Visha.

"So, do you have any children?" Aqua asked, sitting down with Visha on the stained pavement.

Visha rubbed at her throat, but gave Aqua an incredulous look. "We…we are both women…how…you do understand how it works, yes?"

"Oh, well, um, I er…" Aqua coughed slightly, looking embarrassed, then brightened. "I know! How about a trade! You give us back Haruhi, and I'll give you a blessing so that you too can have a kid together! Just tell me which of you wants to get pregnant! Or both! You just have to promise to raise the kid to worship the Axis Cult. Well, I mean, not really, but I do always like having more followers!"

"I, er, well, I don't think I can do that," Visha said nervously. "You see, she is-"

"MY DAUGHTER!" Aqua wailed, and started sobbing into Visha's shoulder. "How could Kazuma do this to me?! I didn't even get to hold him or have him kiss me or do any of that icky mortal stuff you get to do with Tanya but that I really want to try! Rista made it sound fun and now you've kidnapped my daughter and I have to get her back because I fell in love with Kazuma!"

That made Kazuma wince, and he blushed and rubbed the back of his head while Visha goggled at him.

"Haruhi is…your…are you serious?" Visha demanded, looking astonished. "But…but…she's Being X!"

"I don't KNOW!" Aqua wailed. "I didn't even realize that the Chief Goddess was my daughter! I'm a terrible parent, she's such a jerk!"

Seiya glanced at Kazuma, folding his arms over his chest. "You're just going to let her beat herself up about it?"

"We're not even married!" Kazuma protested. This earned a gasp of shock from Visha.

"But-! The Major, she and I were married in San Francisco! To have a child out of wedlock…I know that people are doing it these days, but even I didn't think you were such scum, Kazuma Sato!" Visha huffed, now fiercely hugging Aqua and glaring at the offending male.

Sighing, Kazuma came over and crouched by Aqua, gently prying her away from Visha. To his surprise, Aqua hugged him tightly and buried her head in his chest. He hugged her, stroking her hair as he grimaced at Visha. "Look. There's been some huge mistake here. Haruhi's a brat, but…she doesn't deserve to be kidnapped and tortured by a nazi loli."

Visha suddenly jumped up, a look of pure fury on her face. "WE ARE NOT NAZIS! I AM RUSSIAN! WE WORK FOR THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT YOU-"

Before she could dissolve into incoherent rage and Russian, Seiya's wire shot out and wrapped around her, causing Visha to grunt and sink to her knees.

"We apologize," Kazuma said, standing up with Aqua and glaring at Visha. "You're not Nazi's. You're just war criminals who kidnap helpless little girls."

Visha looked away, then spat, "Give me my phone."

"If you attempt to give Tanya our location," Seiya warned as Aqua dug into Visha's pocket for the phone.

Visha hesitated, then shook her head. "We owe Kazuma and Aqua too much. Without you… well, you know."

Actually, Kazuma damn well didn't, but Aqua looked up at him hopefully, and he smiled. "We'll, um, get our daughter back…"

Seiya dialed the number that Visha instructed, put it on speaker, then held it up in front of her.

After two rings, there was a click. "Report, Frau Brau."

"Major…I have been taken," Visha said, her tone pained. "I am sorry."

There was a short pause, then the voice hissed. "If you do anything to Visha, you will learn, fools, why I was known as the Devil of the Rhine, why they now call me the deadliest operative of Delta Green, why I-"

"Tanya, Tanya it's me! Aqua!" Aqua pipped up. "Visha's OK! We just want to-"

"You!? How could a bumbling fool like you possibly-"

"Because you stole our daughter!" Kazuma said, really getting into the spirit of things.

There was a pause on the other end of the line. "What."

"Yeah, look it's weird and all but it's true," Kazuma promised, and Aqua nodded. Even though they were very definitely not on a video call.

"I do not care! You have my Lieutenant! What is it you want, Sato?" Tanya hissed.

"We want our daughter back!" Aqua demanded.

"Prisoner exchange," Kazuma hastily added. "We trade Haruhi for Visha. Everyone goes home, and Aqua lets you two have weird lesbian babies."

"I- WHAT?!"

"Um, well, Major," Visha stammered. "I, um, would like to have children, as I mentioned…and bearing your child…"

"Did she offer to turn me back into a man!? I do not- Do I not please-"

"No, no! Not like that, she, um, would grant us a blessing," Visha hastily added. "I do not want anyone but you, Major."

"The hell kind of couple calls each other by military ranks?" Kazuma muttered.

Aqua punched his arm. "Shut it, NEETzuma."

"Sure thing, you useless goddess," Kazuma agreed.

"I…that is not a factor in this bargain! We shall meet at the industrial park, south of town. I shall call you in one hour with a more specific address," Tanya ordered. "If you do ANYTHING to hurt my Lieutenant…I have killed gods before, and I will do so again!"

"We want back the boy and the Humanoid Interface as well," Seiya demanded.

"We will negotiate at the meeting place. But if one hair on Visha's head is misplaced…"

"They have not hurt me so far, Major," Visha assured. "And…I am sorry."

"Do not be. With those two idiots involved, something was bound to go wrong. One cannot outplan an idiot," Tanya stated. "I love you." Then she hung up.

Seiya let out a snort, and his mouth squirmed for a moment before going back to his usual stern expression.

"Don't make fun of Aqua," Kazuma growled. "That's my job."

"Kazuma isn't an idiot, he's just rude!" Aqua huffed.

Both immediately rounded on the other, and began shouting.

"Don't you dare make fun of me, pedo-NEET!"

"Rude!? I'm not the one who goes around purifying people's drinks!"

Visha and Seiya exchanged pained looks. There was just no accounting for taste.

Tanya lowered her phone, trembling with rage, fighting back tears. It had been quite a while since she was this infuriated. Not since…well. Best not to dwell on that. She had to focus and remain calm, and logically analyze this situation. All she had to do was-

Her phone buzzed, and Tanya picked it up.

Got Sasaki and Kyoko, along with someone called Komekko. She has red eyes, is that a problem?

The name Komekko didn't ring any bells in Tanya's head, though it did sound rather absurd. But the news from Mao was good: this was exactly what Tanya needed as an extra bargaining chip. While Aqua and Kazuma were loose cannons who could not be bargained with, Seiya was an eminently reasonable person who would understand just what was at stake, and would bargain rationally. He seemed to hold some affection for Haruhi, but Tanya could give her up for Visha.

Well, not all of her, perhaps. Tanya turned back to her trump card. She'd realized that simply killing Being X wouldn't work. She'd done that once, and here that wretched creature was again. No, the solution was to bottle up those powers. It might even leave the girl alive, which was fine by Tanya. She was an annoying brat, but what better revenge on something that called itself god then trapping it in a weak, pathetic body like Being X had done to her?

Tanya peeked in on her prisoner, who was still crying wretchedly. She grimaced. Being X would give itself a proper Japanese body, even if this one had ludicrous proportions. Tanya preferred a real woman, like Visha anyway.

Though the idea of having children with Visha…on the one hand, children were repellant beings who did nothing but make messes and didn't even understand the first thing about logic or rational behavior. On the other…it would make Visha very happy, and, well…the idea of Visha's child wasn't as horrible as someone else's.

"When I kill all the gods, perhaps I will spare you, Aqua," Tanya mused. Even if that creature was a useless blob, she had gotten Tanya and Visha out of that hellhole of an alternate dimension.

Then she pushed the door open. "Right, godling. The time has come. Resist, and suffer the consequences. Come with me…and I might just spare you and your pathetic family."

If it was convenient, anyway. Tanya didn't want children that badly.

Bouncing along in the back of the van, Sasaki gritted her teeth. Why was she letting Fujiwara drive them? She should have made Kyoko do it. Fujiwara drove like he had a grudge against both his passengers and everyone else on the road. Kyoko could get a little over excited and miss the occasional signal, but at least when she had near misses it didn't feel like she was deliberately trying to kill you.

Oh well. At least this time, Sasaki didn't have to watch Fujiwara drive. The back of the van was paneled, and while it looked like it should contain tools, all there was was a bit of carpet and two benches without even any seatbelts. Hideously unsafe, but…

"I guess I'm the heroine of the story this time, Haruhi," Sasaki said to herself, a small smile on her lips. Until the van jerked and jumped as the tires squealed, like Fujiwara had just jumped a curb or something.

"DAMMIT FUJIWARA SLOW DOWN!" Kyoko raged from beside Sasaki, slamming her fist on the metal separation them from the front cabin.

"No, go faster, this is exciting!" Komekko said eagerly.

Even Mao, the strange girl that Fugiwara had brought with him claiming she was his "assistant" looked a bit green, though she hadn't said much so far.

Before Sasaki could add her complaints to the others, she was jarred out of her seat as the van screeched to a halt. Three of the girls in the back of the van slammed into the rear in a crumpled heap, their heads ringing despite their various powers. Komekko, however, half stood and posed. "Ha! I win this round! I am the superior van-rider! I will tame this mighty beast, and-"

The door to the back of the van was flung open, and Fujiwara along with Kuyo climbed in.

"Fujiwara!" Sasaki snarled, half sitting up as Mao and Kyoko groaned against her. "What in the HELL are you-"

"Shut up, Sasaki," Fujiwara smeared, and flashed a gun at her. "Or I'll just-"

"You think one of THOSE can threaten me?" Komekko laughed. "Adorable. Listen, puny mortal, I am-"

"SHUT UP YOU FREAK!" Fujiwara snarled, and drew the gun and fired. The bullet hit Komekko square in the center of her forehead, rocking her back, and Sasaki screamed along with Kyoko.

Then Komekko leaned back forward, reaching up to pluck the flattened bullet from her eyebrows as Fujiwara stared in shock and amazement. "I told you. One of those can't threaten me. Now, taste the fury of a Demon Queen! KOMEKKO STYLE DEATH RAY!"

A burning ray of crimson light shot out of Komekko's raised hands, but bent around Fujiwara, slicing a hole in the asphalt behind him.

"Cease…data…disruption," Koyu said, and gestured towards Komekko.

A bullet might not have done anything to the self proclaimed Demon Queen, but the data manipulation powers of a Humanoid Interface certainly did. Komekko was flung atop Sasaki, bleeding from her nose and ears, though still breathing.

"FUJIWARA!" Sasaki gasped. "What are you-"

Then, Fujiwara flung first a purple haired girl, then-

"KYON!?" Sasaki gasped. Fujiwara, what are you even-"

"Mao, drive!" Fujiwara snarled, reaching in and pulling out the pink haired girl. "I'll ride shotgun. You, alien! Keep them quiet, and stop them from doing anything to disrupt my plans! If you want to ever communicate again, you WILL follow my orders!"

"Will…comply…" Kuyo said, and simply floated up onto the back of the van, the doors slamming shut behind her.

"Fujiwara, you won't get away with-" Kyoko raged, standing up, fists balled, a glow emanating around her. However, even a powerful esper was no match for the Sky Canopy Dominion. There was a fuzz of static about Kyoko, and she dropped to her knees, eyes unfocused, before slumping over, barely breathing.

"Oh hell," Sasaki gasped, pulling her two friends towards her. She turned her glare on Kuyo, who was simply standing in the middle of the van as it pulled away, this time at much more reasonable speeds. She half hoped the police would have heard the gunshot, and would come for them.

"That…hurt," Komekko groaned, sitting up and smearing blood across her lips as she studied Kuyo. "Say. Ever thought of becoming a general of a demonic army?"

"Do not…attempt…escape…" Kuyo said, her tone listless and halting as always. "Will…attain…auto-evolution…restore/communicate."

"Hmm, you want something, don't you?" Komekko asked, scrambling up to stand in front of Kuyo, a wicked grin on her blood smeared face. "Now…I know all about bargains. What is it you want? Because I can give it to you. I promise."

Sasaki tuned it all out, focusing on Kyoko, and putting her head to her friend's chest. Kyoko was breathing, but…it was shallow, and her heart seemed to be fluttering. Tears filled Sasaki's eyes, and she put a hand on her friend's chest.

"I'll save you, and everyone, Kyoko, I promise," Sasaki whispered, sniffing and scrubbing at her eyes. She glanced over at Komekko, but the Crimson Demon was just whispering in Kuyo's ear, apparently to no effect. Well, they'd get out of this somehow. At least she had a few people that cared about her.

She crawled over to Kyon and shook him, and after a few tries, he gasped and set up, his eyes wild. When they focused, anger clouded his expression. "You! So you're behind this, Sasaki!"

"No. I'm just as kidnapped as you," she said quietly, motioning to the pallid form of her best friend. "Is Yuki…?"

Kyon glared up at Kuyo, who stood impassively as the van swayed. She was just a little too straight, actually. Even Komekko had to flex her knees to keep upright, but the alien was, well…too alien. Unlike Yuki, who was unconscious and bleeding herself.

"I didn't…I tried to…I should have known better," Kyon said dejectedly. He scrubbed a hand over his face. "First Haruhi, then the fight with the Sky Canopy Dominion…I can't even threaten the nuclear option of telling Haruhi about them now. I'm so useless."

"No, you're not. You care about Yuki, and Haruhi. We'll save them," Sasaki promised as her tears trickled onto the floor. "I won't let anyone be hurt, not for me, not again. I'll make this world whole, as it should be."

"But this world is BETTER for the weirdness!" Kyon snapped at her, pointing to Yuki. "I wouldn't have met her, or Haruhi, or ANY of my friends if it were normal! What about you!? Would you even exist if this world were 'normal' or whatever you want to call it?!"

"I just… my friends wouldn't be hurt if it were sane!" Sasaki argued. "I wouldn't have parents who hate me, who wanted me dead! If I didn't have this power, everything would be fine!"

"Oh, quit your whining! Maybe instead of complaining you're cursed with awesome power, use it to HELP people for once, instead of hiding your light under a bushel!" Kyon snapped. He grabbed Sasaki's hand to her startlement, and put it on Yuki's bloodstained shirt. "At least Haruhi tries to DO something!"

"I don't, I can't-" Sasaki stopped, then looked down at Yuki. She could…feel? The hurt. The pain. She could sense what was wrong with her. It wasn't natural or normal, but not because she could sense it, but because if things were right, Yuki wouldn't be in pain.

"I…I don't…" Sasaki closed her eyes, and let her powers creep up on her. Just a little. She pushed some of that power out through her fingertips, and repeated a single word, one she remembered from a past she wished to forget. "Restoration."

Behind her, Komekko let out a hiss, and jumped back, pressing herself to the door of the van. But when Sasaki opened her eyes, Yuki was gazing up at her, eyes clear of pain, the blood in her uniform dry and crusted over.

"You did it!" Kyon gasped, clutching Yuki to him. "Yuki, I…I thought you-"

"I told you. Stay behind me," Yuki said quietly, reaching one hand up to touch Kyon's cheek. "Were you injured?"

"No, I'm fine. I was worried about you," he said.

Sasaki figured this was where they started blubbering and kissing, and as she turned back to Kyoko she saw she was at least half right, as Yuki pulled Kyon's face down onto her own. She grimaced. Once, she'd dreamed of kissing Kyon like that. But it had been a stupid fantasy, like so many other's she'd had.

"I didn't want these powers. I didn't want to be Kiriko," Sasaki whispered, crawling over to Kyoko. She pressed her hands to her friend, and this time, she saw the green glow as she whispered her spell.

It just felt right. To mend things. To make them whole. To heal. Just what she'd always wanted to do: To heal the world, and the pain inside herself.

As soon as the spell finished, Kyoko's eyes fluttered open. "Sasaki? I…I'm sorry, I…I couldn't protect…"

"It's fine," Sasaki said, smiling as she helped Kyoko sit up. "This was supposed to happen, right?" She looked over at Kyon and Yuki, who were sitting on the floor of the still speeding van, clutching at one another. Yuki looked better, but…how well could her healing spell work on an alien?

"Are you done throwing around that divine magic?" Komekko asked, still pressed against the wall as far away from Sasaki as she could get. "Any more of that and I shall surely crumble to dust!"

"It's fine, I'm done," Sasaki said, frowning at the other girl. Were her eyes glowing in the dark?

"Hmph. Good. Now, Kuyo, I think what you really want is, after all, to make friends! Well, I know someone else who was a friendless loner, and she managed to make a friend of my sister. Now, the first step is turning you into a mortal. Wouldn't you like to give up your power, to just be an ordinary human, to live an ordinary life, with friends you can talk to?"

"You can do that?" Sasaki asked incredulously.

Komekko glared at her, then hissed, "Do you want me to get her on our side or not?"

Sasaki shrugged, then scooted closer to Kyon as Komekko went back to whispering in Kuyo's ear. "Listen: we have a plan. Don't worry: We're going to save Haruhi, and stop this once and for all. Do you trust me?"

Yuki didn't say anything, but clutched at Kyon tighter.

"I don't know," Kyon said slowly. "How do we know we can trust you?"

For a moment, Sasaki seriously considered the question. At last, she said, "Because what I hate most is when those who should love you betray you. I have a lot of complicated feelings towards Haruhi, but she's still my cousin, and my first friend. I'll do whatever I can to save her. Even…even at the cost of my own dream."

Kyon hesitated a moment more, then stuck out a hand. "Right. It's a deal. As my old friend…I agree. We'll save Haruhi, together."

Sasaki took his hand, and smiled. Somehow…things felt like they would be alright.

"Seriously? An empty parking lot behind a warehouse? Couldn't you, I don't know, be more creative about your clandestine meeting locations?" Haruhi demanded when Tanya opened the door to the blacked out van where she'd been tied up for the last half hour. "Also, I really need to pee. So either find me a toilet, or there's going to be a mess back here."

Mikuru just whimpered, curling up into a ball.

"You should have gone before we left," Tanya snapped, and jerked Haruhi forward and out of the van. A moment later, she pulled Mikuru out as well, the poor girl blubbering the whole while.

Haruhi stumbled a bit, her legs having gone to sleep from her awkward position, but she managed to stagger to her feet, and glare down at the blonde twerp. It didn't seem to affect the little psycho, but whatever. She wasn't going to walk meekly to her death.

"So, what? Now you kill me?" Haruhi demanded, looking around as she futilely worked her wrists against the zip tie that kept her hands behind her back. "I expected something…more."

"Fools always do. Now be silent," Tanya snapped, and stuffed a rag into Haruhi's mouth before tying another band of cloth over it.

That made Haruhi glare at her captor, but then she caught the slick gleam of…something, on the asphalt around her. She followed it, seeing a similar sheen, painted in some sort of oil or tar, all over the parking lot…

And she felt sick to her stomach. It was like those symbols she'd drawn back in Junior High, only…wrong, somehow. Haruhi didn't know exactly what they did, but she had a feeling she was standing at the center of something very, very bad. She glanced over at Mikuru, who was sporting a black eye. Apparently, she'd tried to resist, however futilely. This wasn't going well.

She only had a minute or two to stew about this, standing beside her captor, until a white panel van that read "WELLS MACHINERY" with an image of a man in a black tophat, wielding a wrench as he stood atop an odd looking machine. She rolled her eyes, and glanced at Mikuru, wondering if she got the reference.

Either she did, or Mikuru knew something Haruhi didn't, because the short girl stood up, glaring daggers at the van. She'd been gagged as well, but somehow, she looked more dignified, drawing her shoulders back and squaring her stance.

Out of the passenger side came a blond boy Haruhi vaguely remembered as the one Kazuma had knocked out at that other warehouse. He hurried over to Mikuru, cupping her face as she jerked away from him.

"Oh sister, how they've abused you. Well, don't worry. Once you're mine…I'll make sure you're treated properly. And we're never separated again," the boy crooned, stroking Mikuru's black eye.

"Hands off the merchandise," Tanya growled. "If you behave, you may still have her."

"I want more than just her," Fujiwara said, coming over to leer at Haruhi. "This one, in particular. If you're just going to kill her, I'd at least like to-"

Haruhi stepped forward and kneed the boy in the groin, hard. She wanted to smile as he gasped and dropped to his knees, but the gag prevented it. Still, it was rather satisfying, and all Tanya did was grunt as her minion gasped in pain.

"You…you bitch!" Fujiwara snarled, and pulled out a gun. "I'll-"

Tanya slapped him across the face as she disarmed him. "Behave, boy. She is for trade. Untouched. And rape is against the Geneva Convention."

Eyes still watering from pain, Fujiwara gaped at Tanya. "Since when did you care about THAT!? X11 has committed DOZENS of war crimes!"

"You will find that everything I did was strictly legal under the articles of war," Tanya huffed. "No reasonable tribunal would convict me. Now, get the rest of them. Our clients will be here soon."

Haruhi watched in mounting horror as Kyon and Yuki were also unloaded and placed next to her, while Sasaki and two other girls were also unloaded. Well, so much for the cavalry…at least Aqua and Kazuma seemed safe…oh god…her parents!

Haruhi sagged, feeling defeated, until Tanya prodded her in the ribs. "Stand up. You must look unharmed during the exchange. You and your friends will be allowed to walk free. So long as you do nothing foolish."

All Haruhi could do was glare at her captor, but a few minutes later, another car pulled up, this one a familiar sedan. She blinked. What was uncle Seiya doing here?

Out of the car stepped her uncle, along with Kazuma and Aqua, and a woman with her arms tied behind her back that Tanya recognized as "Frau Braun" and one of her kidnappers.

"You have made a fatal mistake," Seiya said, his eyes sweeping over the line up.

"I would say much the same to you," Tanya growled, her pistol pointed at Haruhi's head now. "Kidnapping my lover is the last mistake you will make, Ryuuguuin. You should know better than to involve someone I actually care about."

Uncle Seiya nodded, his jaw working. "And yet…you have my niece. And daughter."

Tanya blinked, stiffening for a moment. "I…what? Your daughter is Kiriko, and you have no living relatives aside from your wife and-"

"Kirkio insists on going by Sasaki. I suspect I know why, but until now, have been unable to speak with her." Seiya nodded to another person among the prisoners. "Devil Queen. Is the bargain fulfilled?"

"Er…only if you rescue me?" the red eyed girl said.

"Wait, a Crimson Demon!?" Kazuma demanded. "What are you- where is Megumin! You look just like her!"

"I recognize that hair ornament!" Aqua gasped. "Komekko! What are YOU doing here!?"

"Enough talk! You hand over Visha, and I will generously release two prisoners of your choice," Tayna barked. "A fair bargain, Ryuuguuin!"

Uncle Seiya smiled at his daughter, and winked. "Don't worry. Everything's gonna be alright."

That didn't sound like Uncle Seiya. What was even-

"This is your only warning, X11. Let them all go. Walk away. I died once and failed to save my daughter. I have no problem dying again at even the chance to save her and those she cares about," Uncle Seiya stated, stepping forward.

"What are you going on about? We can take the Nazi Loli!" Kazuma argued. "I still have-"

"I AM NOT A NAZI!" Tanya roared. "I FOUGHT FOR THE EMPIRE AGAINST THE FORCES OF COMMUNISM AND IMPERIALISM TO SURVIVE, I AM NOT IDEOLOGICALLY-"

"Hey, Aqua. What talks like a Nazi, dresses like a Nazi, and is evil like a Nazi?" Kazuma asked casually.

"A Nazi," Aqua said firmly, glaring at Tanya. "And here I was going to let you and Visha have cute babies together, because you're my friends! But now you went and hurt my daughter!"

Oh hell. Aqua knew. Haruhi tried to turn her head to hide her embarrassment, but Tanya's pistol forced it to stay still.

"ENOUGH! Release my Lieutenant," Tanya half shrieked. "Or I shall-"

Then Uncle Seiya moved. One moment, he was standing fifteen meters away, the next, he was behind Haruhi, his foot slamming into Tanya's hand so that her pistol flew away.

"DAMN YOU!" Tanya snarled, jumping away and drawing another gun with her uninjured hand. But Seiya was right there again, moving faster than the human eye could follow, a knife in his hand flashing for a killing blow to Tanya's neck.

A glowing shield of blue light deflected the blow, and Tanya fired, but Seiya wasn't standing still. His knife was smoking and ruined, the blade half melted, but he had a can of pepper spray he squirted at Tanya, causing her to cry out in pain, her second gun firing wildly.

Behind Haruhi, there was a sudden commotion, and out of the warehouse burst her PE teacher, that crazy knight of all people, running forward with a sword over her head, Haruhi's parents beside her.

I can't have two sets of parents, they never even got divorced, Haruhi thought, desperately trying to get her hands free of the zip tie, but only succeeding in rubbing her wrists further. There was more gunfire, blasts of light, and weird powers going off all around Haruhi.

"It's OK, we're here!"

Haruhi blinked as Aqua and Kazuma reached her side, cutting her hands free and pulling out the gag. Aqua quickly pulled Haruhi into a hug, even as the battle raged around them.

"I'm sorry Chief, I didn't know I was your mother!" Aqua blubbered. "I'll be a better mom, I promise!"

"Yeah, no," Haruhi said, pushing Aqua away. "First, no time! Second, my parents are over there-" she pointed to where her father and mother were somehow fighting Fujiwara. Where had her dad gotten a Wakazashi!? "-those are my parents. Maybe you'll be my parents in the future or something, but-"

"Yeah, no, I have a girl back in Belzerg I made a promise to," Kazuma said with a shake of his head. "I'm not sleeping with Aqua until I at least properly break it off with Megumin."

"Wait, you're still dating my sister?!" Komekko shouted from halfway across the battlefield. She had Kuyo in some sort of stand off with Yuki, while Kyon tried to help a sobbing Mikuru up.

"It's complicated! And when did you grow up!? Never mind, look, the point is, we have to go back to Belzerg, where we belong!" Kazuma argued.

"You know what…I agree! And so does my new friend!" Komekko cackled. "Right, Kuyo? I told you: Take me back to Belzerg, and you can be a real girl! Just like Yuki here!"

"You…promise?" Kuyo asked in her odd voice.

"Just give it here," Komekko swore. "And it's all yours. Everything you want."

Kuyo suddenly stuck out her hand, and Komekko took it, a victorious smile on her face.

"BEHOLD! I AM KOMEKKO! FOREMOST DEVIL QUEEN OF BELZERG, AND SHE WHO WILL RULE THE WORLD!" Komekko crackled, and raised both her hands as Kuyo slumped to the ground, drained. Above her head, the sky tore open in a rainbow of colors, and Haruhi could see an alien vista opening up.

"Komekko, no, what are you-" Sasaki gasped, then suddenly dropped to her knees.

"Sorry, but you really should know better than to make deals with the Devil, godling!" Komekko laughed, power flowing from Sasaki into her. "I'll go back, take Kazuma, and my sister will finally have the boyfriend she wanted! She'll be my general for sure this time!"

"WHAT?! You put that power back right now, young lady!" Kazuma barked.

"Komekko! No more dinners OR party tricks if you turn evil!" Aqua warned.

"Oh, I'm far beyond that now, Aqua!" Komekko laughed. Then she grimaced. "But Belzerg is out of balance. What is a Devil Queen with no goddesses to oppose her! And so, you're all coming with-"

"ENOUGH! YOU ALL DIE!" Tanya screamed, and stomped her foot on the ground as she dodged another attack from Seiya. The weird runes Haruhi had seen before suddenly burst into flames, scorching both her and several others.

Komekko let out a cry, but dropped her hands. Everyone was flung up into the sky, and Haruhi reached out, grabbing onto Mikuru, who was in turn clutching at Kyon, Aqua and Kazuma clutching onto her heels. Haruhi gritted her teeth, even as a strange song filled her ears.

It looked like she was getting that adventure she'd always wanted.

Author's Note:

No, technically speaking, Tanya isn't a Nazi. But, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and commits warcrimes like a duck, people can be forgiven for calling it a nazi.