6. Drowning
Luckily, Charlie had already finished his breakfast by the time the news presenter on the kitchen radio told him and his dad of the latest teenaged murder. Unfortunately though, he hadn't finished his tea, which was now a difficult task due to his violently trembling hands.
The phenomenon had come familiar over the last week but that didn't make it any less frustrating. It was just one more thing to add to the list of quirks that made him damaged. That made him weak.
The only thing Charlie had found seemed to quell the shakes was to clench his fists as tightly as he could, preferably around something, but more often than not, his fingernails dug painfully into his palms. This had happened so often that light crescent shaped marks were now all too visible.
Charlie covered them hastily with the sleeves of his blazer as Julio turned away from the toaster with a sigh.
"I need to know where you went yesterday," said Julio without preamble.
Shit.
"What do you mean? I went to school."
"Do you really think the school doesn't call parents when students fail to turn up without a reason?" asked Julio with a mischievous smile. "You're just lucky it was me who answered and not your mother."
Charlie gulped. "Did you tell mum?"
Julio eyed him for a worrying second.
"Not yet," he said. "But she's worried about you, Charlie."
"I know."
Charlie wished people would stop telling him that.
"So why don't you tell me what's going on? Were you with Nick?"
Charlie nodded carefully. "Yeah."
"I know it must be hard being at school right now after what happened to those poor kids. And I know Nick was friends with Matthew, wasn't he? I understand wanting to get away from it all for a bit, but I must admit I didn't think you had it in you to do something so irresponsible."
"I know what we did was pretty stupid, and I'm sorry for worrying you, I really am, but…" Charlie took a deep breath. "There's something else I need to talk to you about."
Julio stared over the top of his coffee mug and Charlie was suddenly filled with an all too familiar influx of panicked nerves.
"Are you trying to come out again?" Julio smiled. "Because we already know. You told us last year, remember?"
"It's not that!" Charlie clutched the sleeves of his blazer so hard his knuckles whitened. "I… the reason we skipped school yesterday… well, we just wanted to be alone together because… well… Nick is my boyfriend."
The surprise was evident on Julio's face as he processed this new information.
"Oh." And then Julio smiled. "Well, that's wonderful, Charlie. I'm very happy for you. Does anyone else know?"
"Just Tori and some of our friends," said Charlie, breathing slightly easier. "And Oliver found out by accident almost straight after we got together… But I don't think I'm ready to tell mum just yet." Charlie sighed. "Nothing I do seems to make her happy lately, and I'm not sure she'll take this as good news."
Julio exhaled deeply into his coffee. "We don't keep secrets here, Charlie."
"It feels like she doesn't even want to keep me here."
"That's not true, Charlie."
Julio looked as if he was going to elaborate but then the door creaked and Jane entered the kitchen. She was dressed for work and already looking harried. She paused self-consciously in the doorway.
"Morning…" Jane squinted suspiciously from one rabbit caught in headlights to the other.
"Morning, dear," said Julio, pecking her on the cheek.
"What exactly am I missing here?"
"I was just helping Charlie with a maths question," said Julio quickly.
Jane snorted. "Are you sure it wasn't the other way around?"
"Okay." Julio grinned. "You caught me."
Julio shot a wink at Charlie. Charlie smiled back, grateful for his dad's easy-going nature even if his mum had not spared Charlie more than a single glance since she entered the kitchen.
Nick yawned widely as he leant against the school fence. He shivered despite the warm June breeze that had finally arrived.
He had been wrenched from his nightmares at four o'clock this morning. He had then laid in bed, too scared to go back to sleep, doom scrolling through Instagram until his alarm went off.
The moment he saw Charlie step off his bus, Nick pushed himself away from the fence and strode toward him. Charlie ignored Tori's wave goodbye and hurried over.
Nick engulfed him into a huge hug and buried his face into the soft fabric of Charlie's jacket hood. The jacket he still wore, even in June, because he was always cold.
Not as cold as Charlie had looked the last time Nick had seen him, bleeding out under the bed in the cabin, a bullet in his heart…
Nick squeezed Charlie even closer to him.
He had never cared less about what the students around them were or weren't gossiping about as they manoeuvred around where they were blocking the pavement.
"Alright?" Charlie whispered.
He moved to pull away but Nick held him fast.
"Just a bit longer," he breathed.
Charlie hummed quietly and stifled a giggle against Nick's shoulder. "We're kind of in the way."
"Don't care," Nick mumbled.
But then there was a sudden jolt of movement and Nick and Charlie were both buffeted sideways by an onslaught of students coming from another bus. They clung onto each other's arms to steady themselves as they both stumbled.
"Move out the way, dick nozzles!"
Someone barged their way past them, shoving hard against Charlie's shoulder as they went.
"Ow!" Charlie gasped.
If Nick hadn't caught him, he would have gone flying.
Nick knew who it had been even before he whipped around to yell - "Fuck off, Harry!"
Charlie grabbed his hand and squeezed. "Come on," he said. "We really are kind of in the way."
Still fuming, Nick allowed Charlie to pull him out of the fray, through the gates and toward the English block where their form room was. His heart sank painfully when he felt the smaller hand in his begin to loosen.
"Charlie," he murmured. "Do you want to hold my hand?"
Charlie nodded sheepishly, not meeting Nick's eye.
"Yes or no," he said, softer still. "Do you want to hold my hand?"
Charlie looked up into Nick's warm brown eyes. "Yes."
Nick grinned. "Then let's go."
They made it all the way to their lockers, hand in hand, without so much as a second glance. That they noticed anyway…
The school seemed to be abuzz with nothing but talk of the recent murders. Whether people had known the dead students or not, everyone now seemed to worship them.
Nick thought darkly that maybe this had been the perfect time to come out as a couple, when everyone was distracted by something much more interesting than some bi rugby lad - murder.
Charlie opened his locker and Nick leant casually next to it, observing Charlie's face as much as he could before they had to be parted again in less than half an hour.
"Guess what," he said. "I came out to my mum last night."
Charlie shut his locker again with a snap. "Oh my God. How'd it go?"
"Really good." Nick beamed. "She was really supportive."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah! Although, she then went on to tell me off about us skipping school yesterday. Turns out they do ring home if you don't turn up."
"Yeah, my dad knew too," said Charlie. "He wasn't pleased but, I suppose I can't get any more grounded than I already am. I did tell him that you're my boyfriend though, and that seemed to soften the blow."
"Really? He didn't mind?"
"No. He seemed genuinely pleased for me actually," said Charlie with a smile. "I might need a bit more time to pluck up the courage to tell my mum though… I just need to find the right time…"
"Hey, don't worry." Nick squeezed his hand reassuringly. "There's no rush, remember."
"Yeah," said Charlie. "You're right. You're not grounded too now, are you?"
"No." Nick sighed. "It was pretty stupid of us though… I mean, anything could have happened and no one would have known where we were or anything. After what happened to that girl on literally the same day…"
"Did you know her?" Charlie asked with a grimace. "She was in your year, wasn't she?"
"No. Never heard of her. I don't know that many girls from Higgs to be honest."
"I wonder why her, though," said Charlie quietly. "I mean, Matt and Bethany, we know why he targeted them but what has Isabella Harding got to do with us?"
Nick shrugged. "Maybe this time it's not about us."
"But you have to admit," said Charlie, grinning. "The majority of things are."
Sarah Nelson was just adding a few loaves of bread to her trolley when her calming weekly shop was abruptly ruined.
Seeing someone you know at the supermarket was always the epitome of annoying. You either had to endure an unending mundane chat in the middle of the aisle, or else you were forced to spend the rest of the time dodging them at all costs.
"Hello, Jane," Sarah said politely.
Jane Spring looked up from the bagels she was selecting and smiled. Sarah had yet to see the other woman smile brightly enough it reached her eyes. Sarah would never understand how such a cold woman could produce such a sunshine-y boy.
"Oh, hi, Sarah," said Jane stiffly. "Got enough bread there, have you?"
The air of hostility in Jane's voice was having trouble being veiled as successfully as usual.
Sarah forced a convivial laugh. "Oh yes, you know how it is, what with teenage boys and their raging appetites."
Jane pursed her lips. "Almost as raging as six-year-old boys, or men in their forties. Come to think of it… maybe it's a man thing, the lack of impulse control."
"Hmm. Maybe," said Sarah. "Nick and Charlie have both been lacking in that department recently, but I suppose they were bound to have a rebellious phase one of these days. Drinking, skipping school… I thought I'd finally gotten through the last of it with David but -"
"What did you say?" Jane barked, staring.
"Pardon?" said Sarah, baffled.
"Did you just say your son has been skipping school? With my Charlie?"
"Oh, I beg your pardon, Jane. I thought you must have gotten the same snarky call from Truham as I did."
Sarah smiled good-naturedly, hoping that might soften the blow. She had been foolish to think that would be enough.
"This is not a laughing matter, Sarah! You may be willing to let your children walk all over you and let them do as they please, but I like to think I hold myself to a higher standard than that."
"I wasn't laughing, Jane, I was merely smiling," said Sarah calmly. "And just because I choose to treat my children with dignity and respect, even when they are being irresponsible, that doesn't mean my parenting skills are less than above par. But I am surprised, what with your supposed high standard of parenting, that you have not been more observant in regards to your son's wellbeing."
"Are you saying I don't care about my own son?" Jane hissed loudly. Several other shoppers turned around to stare. "Charlie knows fully well why he has been grounded!"
"I'm sure you've done what you think is best," said Sarah. "But I'm sure you're also fully aware of why he has been violating that punishment at every opportunity?"
A mad kind of fire sizzled behind Jane's blue eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing, Jane." Sarah sighed, all too aware of the tutting accumulating around them. "You're right, of course. Only you know what's best."
Jane made a strangled little 'hmph' noise and gripped the handles of her trolley. "Well, I don't want that son of yours anywhere near Charlie, do you hear me?"
"That's not fair, Jane."
But the other woman had already pushed her trolley away, wheels clattering around the corner.
Sarah huffed indignantly, staring after her, wanting to stand up for her son but also knowing there was just no getting through to some people. And Jane Spring was some people.
Sarah guessed there were more than a few things Jane was not yet privy to, regarding her son. Annoyingly, Sarah thought as she wandered over to the croissants, she had a feeling Jane Spring would be in her life for a considerable amount of time to come.
Maybe it would all be worth it, though if it meant Nick would always be as happy as he had been since he met Charlie Spring.
The real test came during morning break.
Nick and Charlie were sprawled out on the grass under a tree at the edge of the playing field, with Tao and Aled, enjoying one of the first few truly sunny days they'd had all summer.
"Does this mean we're going to be submitted to even more PDA than usual?" Tao whined after Charlie had told him the news.
"Well, um…" Nick glazed guiltily at Charlie, who was curled up against his side, contentedly using his chest as a pillow.
"Yes," said Charlie. "Yes, it does."
Tao groaned dramatically.
"I'm happy for you both," said Aled.
"Thanks, Aled," said Charlie, grinning.
Charlie tilted his head up to capture Nick's lips with his own. Nick circled his arms tighter around his shoulders and closed his eyes, sighing as they kissed.
"I love you," Charlie whispered as they parted.
"I love you," Nick whispered back, cheeks tinged pink, heart-eyes aglow.
Tao proceeded to faux-vomit everywhere and Nick and Charlie drew apart, laughing.
"Homophobia," Charlie gasped through his giggles.
"It's alright, Aled, you can look," Tao laughed.
Aled had been shielding his eyes dramatically, giggling along with the others.
But then Tao's face fell suddenly, then so did Aled's and Charlie's. Nick looked around to see what had caught their attention -
"Nick!"
Sai, Christian and Otis were crossing the field toward them. The three of them would have looked pretty intimidating in their triangular formation, but the sheepish looks on their faces betrayed otherwise.
"I have nothing to say to you," said Nick.
He had been diligently avoiding them as much as he could ever since that night at the cinema.
"We know, mate," said Sai. "And you don't have to. Can you just hear us out?"
Tao looked like he might interject but Charlie glared at him to shut up.
Nick sighed. "Fine. What?"
"We're sorry, Charlie," said Christian. "We should have stopped it and told Harry to fuck off."
"Not even just at the cinema - we should have done it ages ago," said Otis.
"And I know we should have been better when Harry was picking on you, Charlie," said Sai. "But we can promise we'll be better friends from now on. Seriously."
Charlie exchanged a startled glance with Nick, who didn't look as ready to forgive his friends as Charlie felt. In the grand scheme of things, the three boys' approval was not high on Charlie's list of priorities right now, but he had to admit, it would be nice if Nick didn't have to ditch his friends any more.
"And we really like you, Charlie!" Christian continued. "You're a nice guy and we don't want you to think we're like Harry."
"We're on your side," said Otis. "We're your friends, both of you, if you still want us to be."
Nick looked at Charlie again, and was surprised to find him smiling back at him. Charlie nodded encouragingly.
"Thanks," said Nick. "For saying that. I know you're not like Harry. And I'm glad you finally want to ditch him. Uh… apology accepted?"
"Apology accepted," Charlie agreed.
Sai, Christian and Otis cheered and whooped loudly as they flopped down on the grass to join them. Tao glared even harder at the excess of laddish noise but Aled smiled politely.
"Hi, I'm Aled."
"Hey, Aled."
"Alright?"
"What's up, mate?"
Tao looked as if he'd stepped into his worst nightmare.
Charlie gave him a sympathetic look but couldn't help but be glad that Nick had his friends back. Now Charlie wouldn't have to feel so guilty about dragging Nick away from them to hang out with his friends.
Sai opened a packet of crisps and offered them around to everyone. They all accepted, apart from Charlie.
"Has Harry been pestering either of you since that weekend?" Sai asked.
"A bit," said Charlie, not wanting to get into it. "He was a bit odd this morning though. Quieter. I mean, I can't blame him. Not when one of his best friends was just murdered so…"
A sudden tension formed between the seven of them, a tension that had been lingering just out of sight up until that point.
Of course, Charlie thought, leave it to him to mention the murder-shaped elephant in the room. And in front of a bunch of emotionally-closed off rugby lads.
"I know he was kind of a knob," said Sai, finally. "But I just can't believe Matt's just… gone."
"I know," said Christian. "I keep expecting him to walk into class and have a good laugh at us all for falling for some stupid prank…"
"Maybe it's for the best," said Tao, bitterly. "It's sad that he's dead and all but it does mean there's one less person to cause us misery."
"Tao," said Charlie, feeling kind of sick. "That's a bit -"
"Mate, that's pretty dark," said Otis, shocked.
Tao rolled his eyes but looked pretty uncomfortable about what he'd just vocalised.
"I get what you mean, Tao," said Nick, catching Charlie by surprise. "It's sort of a chance for Harry to… I dunno… be taken down a notch, I guess. I know it's a horrible, cruel notch but still… maybe there's a chance it'll make him a better person."
"Or at least make him more grateful," Charlie agreed.
"I don't know what I'd do if one of you guys were murdered," said Sai suddenly, glancing between Christian, Otis and Nick. "I can't even imagine it."
"I hope you'd be too busy avenging our deaths to be too sad, Sai," Otis chortled nervously. "Although, I would expect at least a few tears shed. No less than eight."
"Eight?" Christian exclaimed. "I'd want at least ten from each of you!"
"No, no, none of you are getting any of my tears," said Sai. "They are reserved for Marvel films and John Lewis Christmas adverts only."
Otis and Christian both howled with laughter. But then Sai turned to Nick and said, "You and Charlie are pretty good mates. How many tears would you shed if he was murdered?"
The poor boy obviously had no idea what he had just asked, but Nick managed to keep his voice steady enough. "Actually, about that…"
Nick instinctively slid his hand into Charlie's and Charlie squeezed it with another encouraging nod. Nick looked across at the three baffled faces of his friends. "Me and Charlie, we're… we're dating."
Sai, Christian and Otis stared at the pair of them for a long, awkward moment.
"I knew it!" Otis suddenly exclaimed.
"Shut up," Sai hissed at him, then turned back to Nick. "Well done, mate. I'm happy for you!"
Christian clapped Nick on the back. "I can't believe you're the first one of us to be in a relationship."
"What do you mean you can't believe?"
"I guess that means you'd cry a boatload of tears, then," said Sai with a nervous laugh.
Nick's head flopped onto Charlie's shoulder. "Yeah," he sighed. "And it would be a cruise ship."
For the rest of the day, Charlie's careful bubble of happiness felt more and more flimsy. Despite the obvious relief of finally being out, he was finding it harder to block out the newer, more terrifying thoughts that he had been working so hard to suppress.
The look on Nick's face when Sai had made that joke haunted Charlie all the way through third period.
Charlie had now decided to make it his priority to not get into any more trouble. No matter what, he needed to get himself ungrounded as quickly as possible, and he needed to get unlimited access to his phone back.
Charlie knew if he himself had been having nightmares of Nick dying then he would be inconsolable. He needed Nick to be able to text or call or FaceTime him whenever he wanted.
By the time Charlie pushed open his front door later that afternoon, he had a semi-formed plan already in his head, involving lots of pleading and begging and a very heavy schedule of chores…
He hung his jacket on the hook in the hall and heard the sound of his dad's voice coming from the kitchen.
"I didn't want to worry you," Julio was saying.
"Great," came Jane's voice. "Now I have both of you lying to me."
Fuck, Charlie thought. He paused in the hall, trying to decide whether he really wanted to stay and hear this or just run upstairs and ignore it.
"Charlie had a good reason for sneaking off like he did," Julio went on.
At the sound of his own name, Charlie froze with his foot on the bottom step of the stairs.
"That's not the point, Julio."
"Then what is?"
"Besides the fact that my own husband lied to me?"
"I didn't lie. I just withheld information," said Julio. "And you know what, you're right. I'm sorry. Okay? It was a one-time thing. It won't happen again. I promise."
"Okay, fine." Jane sighed. "But you know it's not just about him skipping school. It's this boy."
"This boy? You mean our son?"
But Jane didn't seem to be listening. "We need to talk to him before he decides to do something else reckless."
"Okay," said Julio. "But not this evening, dear."
"Yes, this evening, dear," said Jane sharply.
"Come on, Jane…"
"What?" she snapped. "Julio? I'm telling you, that boy is hiding something from us, and -"
Charlie stepped into the kitchen to watch his mum's face fall mid-rant. Charlie looked from his dad's guilty face to his mum's frustrated grimace.
"Listen, Charlie," said Julio. "I was wrong. I made a mistake. I should have told your mum about you skipping school."
Charlie couldn't help but agree. He was honestly kind of surprised he hadn't told her, considering how adamant Julio had been about there being 'no secrets here'.
Before Charlie could get a word in edgeways, Jane rounded on him.
"I know there's something you're not telling us, Charles. And I try to be understanding, and I'm trying to be a good wife and a good mother, but I know this is not the first time you've lied to us. So, we're going to stay right here in this room until you tell us -"
"This isn't an interrogation!" Julio exclaimed.
"I know that!" Jane shouted. "And I didn't want it to be but here we are! But if we're going to continue to be a proper, happy family I can't do that until you talk to us, Charlie!"
Under the intense gaze of his mum, Charlie looked down at his socked feet on the tiled kitchen floor. He felt so small and pathetic. He screwed his eyes up against the tears, desperate not to cry and make everything ten times worse.
Idiot. You are such an idiot.
"It's nothing," Charlie managed. "It's just… Nick… he's my boyfriend."
Charlie clenched his shaking fists at his sides and looked up into his mum's face.
Julio smiled at his wife, as if expecting her to be ecstatic at the news. "He only takes after his dad, Jane, doing big romantic gestures. We Spring men have always let our hearts rule our heads, you should know that."
Jane's mouth formed a thin line as she observed her son before her. Charlie dared himself not to look away, determined not to do anything else to upset her. Asking for his phone privileges back had gone right out the window.
"So, you think that makes what you did okay, then, do you?"
"Of course not," said Charlie. "We just…"
"This is all starting to make sense now," Jane continued, not even listening. "This is why you've been acting so out of character lately. I knew you'd never think of doing such things on your own. I knew that boy had some bad influence over you but now I see just how he's been doing it. I know it's not your fault you're so easily manipulated but -"
"What?" Charlie gasped, anger flaring in his chest. "Nick isn't manipulating me! He loves me!"
Jane rolled her eyes. "Of course he's told you that. God only knows what other things he's talked you into…"
Charlie felt like he was going to be sick. "He would never…"
"Jane, Nick seems like a nice enough boy -"
"Don't contradict me, Julio!"
"He's always very polite whenever he's here," said Julio calmly. "I admit, lately, they have both gotten into some trouble together, but boys will be boys, even if they are in love. Maybe especially if they're in love."
Charlie glanced sideways at his phone sitting there on the kitchen counter.
"Don't even think about it, Charlie," snapped Jane. "The less contact you have with that boy, the better."
Charlie's lower lip finally betrayed him with a wobble and the tears spilled over, silently, down his cheeks.
"Why does it seem so impossible to you that someone might actually love me?"
Charlie didn't wait to hear or see his mum's reaction, just turned on his heel and ran.
The bus had come and gone four and a half minutes ago.
The cool metal of the fence behind him did nothing to ground Nick as he tried his best not to freak out. He looked anxiously from the phone in his hand, to the road in front of him, to the thronging crowd of Truham and Higgs students, and back again.
He tapped his finger against the back of his phone case, and swallowed his irrational fear. Those were only nightmares. They were not real. Charlie was probably just running late. Or maybe he was ill.
Nick was just cursing his boyfriend's lack of phone for the thousandth time that week when -
"Nick!"
Charlie was hurrying toward him. He looked pale and tired but he was here. He was alive.
He fell against Nick's side and Nick pulled him into a hug.
"Where have you been? I was worried sick when you didn't get off your bus!"
"I'm sorry," said Charlie, his voice muffled against Nick's shoulder. "My mum insisted on driving me to school, and I only just got my phone back for the day so I couldn't text you."
"Don't be sorry." Nick went to withdraw from their hug but Charlie continued to cling to him, head against his chest, eyes closed as the tension visibly drained out of him. "Why is your mum driving you to school now?"
Charlie sighed deeply, then lifted his head. "Probably because she trusts me just about as far as she can throw me."
Naturally, their hands found each other and they started off across the front yard toward form. As they made their way down the corridor, Nick could feel the anxious tension radiating off Charlie, so much so that Nick forgot to be nervous about walking through school holding hands in front of everyone.
Once they took their usual seats by the window, Nick couldn't stand it anymore. Charlie had slumped over the desk, head resting on his arms. His hands were clenched very tightly into fists. He had been doing that a lot lately…
"Char, please talk to me. What's up?"
Charlie made an unintelligible kind of grunt.
Nick frowned, then rested his own head on his arms, mirroring Charlie's position so they were face to face. Nick felt a flutter of relief when Charlie met his eyes across the desk.
"I told my mum about us last night," Charlie murmured. "That we're together."
"Oh, Charlie… I take it that it didn't go well?"
"She wasn't exactly pleased with the news." Charlie wiped his eyes hastily on his sleeve. "I keep thinking that if I just keep my head down and do everything she says then maybe I can get her to trust me but I just keep making things worse."
"Did… did telling her about us make things worse?"
Charlie nodded miserably. "She - she thinks you're manipulating me into being with you." He screwed his eyes up tight and buried his head deeper into his folded arms. "That I can't make my own decisions and apparently I'm too weak minded to notice what a terrible influence you are on me."
"What?" Nick gasped, incredulous. How could anyone think that? "You are not weak minded."
Charlie turned his head to look at Nick again. "I am pretty weak minded when it comes to you, though. And I've been pretty selfish lately."
"Charlie, you are literally the least selfish person I've ever met," said Nick. "And if you're weak minded then so am I. I would literally do anything for you. You… you know I love you, right?"
"Of course I know that…" Charlie gave a watery smile. "I know my mum doesn't know what she's talking about, especially when it comes to things about you, but sometimes there's a voice in the back of my head that can't help but agree with her."
"Well, whenever that voice gets too loud or too much, please just let me know about it, okay? I don't always know the right thing to do or what exactly to say but I promise always to listen and try my best to understand."
"Are you joking, Nick Nelson?" Charlie shoved his elbow playfully. "You always know the right thing to say!"
Charlie finally lifted his head off his arms and Nick followed suit, grinning. "Maybe that's how you're doing it," said Charlie. "Manipulating me with your pretty words and your pretty face."
"I'm not -" Nick grimaced. "I'm not manipulating you into anything. Please know that. I'm not - I'm not Ben."
"I know you're not." Charlie smiled. "Trust me, I am perfectly aware of that, thank God. You are the furthest thing from a bad influence, Nick, but you definitely are an influence. Why else would I have joined the rugby team?"
"If anyone's the biggest influencer between us it's definitely you Mr I'm-So-Amazing-I-Turned-A-Straight-Boy!"
"You said it, not me."
"Nick and Charlie, will you please be quiet! I'm trying to do the register!"
Both boys froze mid-giggle. Their chairs were pulled as close together as possible, shoulders touching, heads together, heart-eyes aglow.
Several of the boys around them sniggered, others rolled their eyes.
"Sorry, sir."
Mr Lange cleared his throat, forever regretting the day he made that faithful seating plan. "Thank you."
After school they had rugby practice. Usually, the game would help clear Nick's head but today he couldn't seem to focus. His head was still fuzzy due to lack of sleep and, despite cheering up a little since this morning, Nick could tell Charlie was still more anxious than usual.
Charlie had hardly spoken a word since they had met in the changing rooms, pulled on their kit and walked out onto the pitch.
The rest of the team were even more excited for practice than normal considering they had missed last week.
Last week.
Maybe that was why Nick and Charlie were both on edge. It had been this time last week when… when everything had changed.
Nick looked across the field at Charlie who was standing with his hands clenched at his sides, a far-away look in his eyes. Nick shot him a sympathetic smile, knowing at least that he wasn't alone in his troubled thoughts.
The day was clear and bright and the ground was firm - perfect conditions - but Charlie wished Mrs Singh had not recovered so quickly from her flu.
Suddenly, Charlie found himself catching the ball out of thin air.
The signals connecting his brain to his feet seemed to be delayed today and it took him several long seconds to even register what had happened. Someone was yelling at him to "Run, Charlie!" but he had barely turned around when he felt the heavy bulk of a teammate slam into him.
A body fell across his vision.
Blank eyes stared.
Dark red blood seeped across the ground toward him, staining his clothes, his skin.
It slid down his throat, blurred his eyes, bubbled up as he tried to breathe through his nose.
"Charlie?"
He couldn't breathe.
He was going to die here.
He was going to drown in the blood of a stranger named Ray.
Like sunshine.
"Charlie!"
Nick grasped Charlie's shoulders frantically.
As soon as he had seen Charlie go down and not get up again, he knew something was terribly wrong. He had sprinted across the field and fallen to Charlie's side without even realising he had moved.
Charlie's whole body was shaking violently, his eyes were thrown wide open, staring, unseeing as he gasped helplessly for breath.
"Breathe, Charlie," Nick pleaded. "Please! You have to breathe!"
"What's happening?"
"Is he having some sort of fit?"
"I didn't tackle him that hard -"
The voices of their teammates and Mrs Singh faded away into the background as Nick hastily wiped away his own tears.
"Come on, Char… breathe!"
He wrapped his arms under Charlie's and hoisted him into a sitting position. Charlie flopped bonelessly around Nick's shoulder. Nick swallowed back his terror.
Mrs Singh sank down to crouch beside them. "He's having a panic attack," she said calmly.
"You think I don't know that?" Nick snapped.
He would have felt bad for shouting at Mrs Singh, whom he liked very much, but at his sudden change in tone, Charlie gave one giant shudder and became very still.
"Charlie?"
No response.
"I think he's fainted," said Mrs Singh. "Come on, Nick, we need to get him to medical. Can you manage?"
"Of course I can!"
"Alright, then." Mrs Singh gave him a sad smile and patted his shoulder.
Nick secured Charlie's arms around his shoulders and lifted him easily up from the ground. Even in his unconscious state, Charlie clung to him like a koala.
Across the field, past the tennis courts, Nick tried to focus on Charlie's heart beating, pressed up against his own chest and not the worrying way his limbs were losing purchase around him.
Finally, as Nick shouldered opened the changing room doors, he felt a small puff of air against his ear, and Charlie lifted his head blearily from Nick's shoulder.
"Wha-?" he murmured.
Nick let out a breath.
"You're alright, Char. I've got you," he whispered, stroking Charlie's hair. "Do you think I could put you down?"
Charlie let out a soft 'mmh' of affirmation and Nick settled him down gently onto a bench. Nick crouched in front of him, not wanting to let him go completely just yet.
"What happened?" Charlie breathed.
"You had a panic attack." Nick swallowed thickly. "I think. A pretty bad one."
He brushed Charlie's curls tenderly and peered into his blue eyes. He was relieved to find them full of emotion again, even if those emotions were mostly confusion and fear.
"You really scared me for a moment there, Char. I didn't know what was going on. It wasn't like other panic attacks you've had… it seemed more… intense? Your eyes were open the entire time and you were shaking like mad. It was like you were trapped inside your own brain and I couldn't get to you."
"It was different."
"Do you… want to tell me about it? You don't have to, of course, but maybe it'll help?"
Nick kept his hands firmly around Charlie's waist, and Charlie did not release his hands from where they were fisted in Nick's rugby top.
"I've been… I've been having flashbacks sometimes… It usually happens when I'm super tired or when I'm already particularly anxious, but most of the time it happens without any warning at all. I'll close my eyes for, like, a second and I'm back under that bed."
"Shit. Charlie, why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't want to give you any more reasons to worry about me."
"Charlie…"
"I know, I know. Anyway, I had one again just now. I was already so out of it that it must have made it worse. It was like I was drowning in it. I could hear your voice but it was like you were really far away and I couldn't get to you…"
Charlie's hands trembled around the fabric clutched in them and tears poured down his face. Nick pulled him into a hug, stroking his back.
"You're safe now, Char. I've got you."
Charlie gulped. "You realise it's been a week today, right?"
"Yeah," Nick breathed.
"Maybe that's why I feel like extra shit today."
Charlie gave a wobbly chuckle as he pulled away from Nick and wiped his eyes. Nick watched Charlie rub the back of his hand across his face and frowned.
"Charlie?"
"Hm?"
Nick's mouth was suddenly very dry. "What's that on your hand?"
"What?" Charlie blinked, then glanced down at his own hands. "Oh."
He went to close his fingers around his palms but Nick stopped him before he could completely hide what was on them. Charlie watched as Nick examined the dark crescent shapes with a sinking horror.
"I'm sorry -" Charlie breathed.
Nick brought each palm up to his mouth in turn and kissed them. He then drew his boyfriend's beautiful head forward so he could kiss his forehead, his nose, his cheeks, his chin, his mouth…
He stroked both thumbs over the marks on Charlie's palms and Charlie shivered.
"Thank you."
Nick blinked. "What for?"
"For loving me?"
"You don't have to thank me for that."
"Not even when I'm such a mess?"
"I think we're both a mess, to be honest."
"Nick, I love you so much."
"I love you, Char, no matter what."
Charlie flopped once again against Nick's shoulder. "I'm so tired," he murmured. "But I don't want to move."
"I wish I could take you home and cuddle you to sleep," said Nick.
"I wish I could take you up on that offer but, as I said, I really need to get into my mum's good books if you ever want to see me in your bed again."
Twenty minutes later, once the rest of the team had filed into the changing rooms and everyone had gotten changed, Charlie reluctantly kissed Nick goodbye and slipped into the front seat of his mum's car.
She had been waiting outside the gates for the last ten minutes. She nodded politely to Nick when he waved at them on his way toward his own mum's car.
"How was rugby?" Jane asked.
"Fine, thanks," said Charlie carefully.
"Here," she said and slid a packet of Jaffa Cakes into his hand.
Charlie looked at them in surprise. Once upon a time they had been his favourite.
"I'm sorry I was so hard on you yesterday," said Jane. "I never wanted to make you feel like you were forced to tell us about your relationship."
"That's okay, mum."
It really wasn't okay, but Charlie was determined not to ruin what was apparently happening.
Jane gave a weak smile. "I know you tend to make me the villain in your life, Charlie, but you know I have your best interests at heart, don't you?"
"Yeah."
And there it was.
Somehow, just by being himself, Charlie had managed to ruin it anyway.
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