Chapter 44
November 25th, 2022
Rory woke to a pair of small hands, soft and warm, on her chest, Em having snuck into her bed. The girl was sleeping against her side, her brown hair messy and her face looking like that of an angel. Em really was fast asleep, when her face looked that relaxed.
But as she lingered a little while longer - first thinking a little about whether Logan was up already, recalling how he used to love to go for a run or to the gym back in the day whenever they'd spent time in Martha's Vineyard. She also wondered whether that little bakery they used to love was still there. She couldn't wait to join him on the other island later that day.
From that, however, her mind drifted to more troubling things. When and in what format was she about to hear her mother's opinion and how much she was going to let herself be affected by it. She also knew her grandmother certainly had something to say. She felt like she should just make sure they got some alone time with both of them and let them say her piece, do the grown up thing and face them and it was in that hope she snuck out of bed, pulled on the guest robe that hang at the back of the door and made her way downstairs.
The scent of coffee in the air was promising, but she knew it couldn't be Lorelai, since these days she stayed across the street in the separate house with Luke.
She found Emily nursing a cup of coffee and glancing out the gridded doors that opened up to the back porch. She had the perfect view of the stormy ocean - the weather made her a little worried whether the plane would be flying as normal. But it was still early. The ocean had that vastness about it that made one feel small. Rory liked it every once in a while, but she wasn't convinced she could actually live somewhere like this full time. Feeling that small and that alone made her feel insecure. That was part of the problem, wasn't it - she defined herself through the people around her.
"Morning, grandma," Rory chimed, and took a large mug from one of the hooks on the wall. There was no fancy coffee machine at this place for espressos or anything like that, just a good old-fashioned drip-machine, and she poured herself a cup, deciding to drink it black for old-time's sake.
"Good morning, Rory," Emily chimed, turning towards her.
The first sip filled her insides with warmth and heightened her senses.
"Emma is still asleep?" Emily asked, being one of the few people who used her full name.
"Yeah, in my bed..," Rory commented.
"She's a sweet little thing…She's grown so much," Emily began, thoguhtfully. "She deserves to have both parents," Emily added, causing Rory to take a deep breath, unsure what was coming.
Her grandma might've been a fan of Logan the first time around, but she was fairly certain with the added circumstance she was not as impressionable.
"I agree," Rory replied, resting her hip against the kitchen island.
"You know I never quite understood why you didn't marry him the first time around…," Emily said, placing her cup down on the counter.
Rory took a deep breath, expecting something other than what came. But her grandmother wasn't accusatory, she wasn't even notably disappointed - she just sounded sad.
"I know the explanation your mother gave and you left so soon after we hardly had time to grasp it. I know it wasn't easy for you. And I'm not aiming to dig up the past, but I'm just so sad that instead of being with the man you so obviously loved all this time, you two just went through everything you did… It's just such a pity," Emily exhaled.
Rory wasn't too eager to relive those times, those feelings more specifically, but in this moment, when she truly wanted at her family members to have her back on something like this - she almost felt like her grandmother, besides her father and sister, was her best bet.
"I wasn't ready, I was so young. He was older… And he'd promised to factor me in and went ahead then turned around and didn't. It's like he changed the rules of the game without telling me and in that moment I could just imagine it becoming all about him and not at all about me. And I know that sounds selfish, perhaps it was… But I wanted to prove myself, I wanted to see the world and in that moment I felt like my world would've been restricted had I said 'yes'," Rory explained. "But I do understand your point. I have thought about whether things might have been different. But the way we were communicating back then… I honestly am not convinced we would've made it through the first few years, especially if I had been carrying some subconscious resentment for not allowing me to do things my own way," Rory explained. She knew the latter sounded a whole lot like her mother.
"I'm sure your mother not being his biggest admirer didn't help…," Emily added.
Rory shrugged. Sure, it had been a part of it, but thinking back she knew she needed to take responsibility for her decisions and not blame others for how things had turned out.
"And I assume now that he's back… he's back for good? This is not just some spur of the moment thing?" Emily asked, talking to Rory like the adult that she was. And that felt surprisingly good to Rory. Her grandmother was trusting her judgment.
Of course, there was some pressure in that too.
"We've talked about it and both his words and actions support that assumption," Rory replied with confidence. While she knew things could happen - Logan might need to travel to London or go wherever his next business venture he took upon pulled him towards but she didn't doubt his good intentions on knowing his priorities. He'd sacrificed his happiness so many times, and some of the time for her benefit, so trusting him with his intentions felt like the least she could do.
"Well, good…," Emily added approvingly.
Rory was expecting at least some comment on the timing of Em's conception, but she wasn't behaving quite as Rory kept expecting this morning, was she?
"And just in case you were wondering. Logan and Odette… they had an open relationship at the time, they married for the convenience," Rory said, not knowing how else to put it with few words. "She knew about me even," Rory added.
"Oh, none of that… I don't understand these modern relationships, but as far as I'm concerned it hardly matters now," Emily said and Rory replied to her with an appreciative smile.
"And I expect you'd like to see him over Christmas?" Rory asked.
"Can't wait," Emily smiled approvingly, being glad she didn't have to ask or trick Rory into these family obligations like with her own daughter. She headed off towards her study, leaving Rory in the kitchen.
The interaction with her grandmother gave her the much-needed courage that after a lazy breakfast with her daughter, eating leftovers and watching some TV, she headed over across the street, despite the awful mix of rain and wind outside. But going over to her mother to talk was perfect in her midn - she wasn't victimizing herself, she was going over to hear what she had to say and just try to picture herself as the leaf on a tree - moving in the wind but holding on steadily, determined not to let herself be influenced by her words. She knew that without Lorelai saying what she had to say, she'd always stay anticipating it, and ruin any relationship they had.
"Rory, come in," Luke invited, after Rory had knocked on the door hesitantly and he'd seen her through the glass-gridded door.
"Lorelai, Rory's here!" Luke announced loudly over the house. He looked nervous at the sight of her, but excited too. He must've been waiting for this standoff to get some kind of a resolution for years.
Luke had been already very constructive last night, focusing more on what this meant for Em, if anything. And Rory was truly grateful for that. But she couldn't help to think that perhaps siding with her or siding neutrally, could've caused some issues for him too.
"How's she…?" Rory began to ask quietly, but didn't get much further already hearing Lorelai's footsteps on the stairs.
Luke squeezed her arm, supportively, and made his way upstairs, wanting to give them some space.
"Hey," Lorelai said, seeing her. But her stance was cold and distant.
"Hey," Rory reflected, and finished hanging up her coat.
"So what brings you here?" Lorelai played oblivious. She headed for the kitchen, expecting Rory to follow her, where she poured herself a coffee. "Coffee?" she asked.
"I'm good, just had some," Rory replied, hoping this wouldn't be yet another situation where she'd complain about her change of habits.
Lorelai leaned back against the counter, sipping her coffee, just expecting Rory to do the talking.
"I'm here to hear what you have to say," Rory inhaled taking an evidently deep tactical breath.
"What do you want me to say? It's not like you really want my opinion anyways,"Lorelai shrugged, offendedly. Her tone was low, it almost sounded like she'd given up.
"I just thought it'd be better if whatever you wanted to say, you could say to me privately, without Em around, and there really aren't many opportunities for that," Rory explained, hopefully. She wanted to believe that her mother got that her opinion was not wanted around Em.
"So you expect me to just repeat everything you already know - that I knew it was him since the beginning but you kept insisting that you weren't telling me who it was? That I thought we were closer than that - after 33 years?" Lorelai explained, if anything, sounding disappointed.
"I was legally obliged…," Rory said, but knew there was more to it - she'd felt she owed Logan the privacy too. This was above all between them.
"I've told you before how I think Logan isn't good for you - one minute you're up, then you're down. You jump through these hoops for him, you always had - you turn into someone else. But what do I know, you've been someone else for the past five-six years already, so does it matter?" Lorelai replied, explaining this as if she was indifferent to it.
"Have you ever thought that that was just me figuring out who I was? I jumped through hoops for you too - I still subconsciously think whether you'd approve of something I do or don't and this, unfortunately, is no different. The difference is that I can choose not to let that change my mind," Rory explained.
Lorelai rolled her eyes, but remained defeated rather than obnoxious.
"Also, have you ever considered the reason why the highs were so high and the lows so low with Logan, using your words, because there were genuine emotions attached to him. We have a connection… if the fact that over and over again we are just drawn to each-other isn't proof of that, then I don't know what is…," Rory said, going far more in depth with her explanation than she had meant to.
"And now you are connected by a joint child. Just like your father and I. That, however, doesn't mean it was, is, right..," Lorelai argued.
"I'm not here for your approval and I won't let you discredit it…," Rory huffed.
"So, what do you want?" Lorelai asked, shrugging her shoulders, trying to appear unaffected by all of this.
"Sorry, if I considered even for a minute that once the secret was out there was actually a chance for it to be a catalyst for change between us. I don't want things to be like this between us, mom. But I refused to go back to the former codependency either…," Rory explained, knowing the latter must've stung a little. But at least speaking openly about their feelings was a new layer.
"Hey - have you ever considered that I did the best that I could, raising you? So what if a lot of it was roughly about doing the exact opposite my mother would do.. I did what I thought was best, I thought all these years that we wanted the same things, that we had the same values, and then Logan Huntzberger walks in and suddenly you're acting privileged, obedient and insecure… you were never like that before so can you really blame me for not thinking the best of him after finding out the guy who you had an affair with knocked you up and stayed out of your lives until it was again convenient for him?" Lorelai let it flow out of her.
Rory didn't need her mother to tell her the list of every sacrifice she'd made for her - she knew it by heart as it was.
Rory wished she could just focus on discrediting the facts she had, but she felt too tired to do it. She sighed audibly.
"I don't know why I bothered," Rory exhaled, beginning to seriously consider just walking out of there.
"What did you expect?!" Lorelai huffed.
"I expected you'd want me to be happy, that's what," Rory replied, turned around and walked out, leaving her with the last word which she knew would drive her mother mad.
Rory had never imagined that in some ways her relationship with her mother would turn out almost as bad as Logan had had with his, or had with his father. But just like Logan had been relieved to tell his father about having a daughter, Rory was relieved that the news about her daughter having a real father was out too. Whether her mother would ever understand the benefit of this remained to be seen.
AN: Glad to have this chapter over and done with and to be able to move in to nicer things over at the Vineyard.
