Sunday was spent stuck in a flurry of nerves, catching up on homework, and mentally preparing for the trip to the ministry the next day.
And maybe, a bit of avoiding the common room in its entirety as much as she could. Which didn't help her anxiety as she focused all of her thoughts and energy onto her damned notes.
Sleep that Sunday night felt none existent. Between trying to suppress unwanted feelings and ignoring stressed emotions, she spent the entire night tossing and turning.
And then, it was Monday morning before the girls were to head down to the Great Hall for breakfast.
"I've got the perfect robes for you," Dorcas insisted, disappearing behind the dormitory door. The four girls looked at each other curiously.
"We can always transfigure something. One of your school robes."
"That might be too obvious," Alice disagreed. "And could we guarantee it'd stay the whole day?"
"True," Lily acknowledged, glancing over her options once more. "Maybe –"
"Here!" Dorcas crowed, entering back into the dormitory with a flourish – and a dark blue set of robes. "Mum bought them for me over the summer – not dress robes, mind you, but perfect for this I think."
She handed over the heap of fabric to Lily, who accepted it with careful hands. "Oh, I couldn't, really. I'll probably be working with potions and I'd absolutely hate if I ruined this."
Dorcas waved her off. "I trust you. They were discounted. Try them on!"
At the others' insistence, Lily did as ordered, shucking off her uniform and sliding the robes over her head, adjusting the lay of them around her hips, her bust. "It's a bit long…"
"We can charm it," Marlene said. "You look bloody brilliant."
"You'd have looked good in Ravenclaw," Dorcas said in a teasing manner. "Doesn't clash with your hair as much."
Lily smoothed down the fabric, rolling out any wrinkles around her waist. It certainly fit well. She turned towards the mirror, admiring the fabric. "I do like it."
Marlene snorted. "You can give yourself a compliment every so often. Here, let me trim it." She waved her wand, casting a simple spell that shortened the length of the robes. "There. Now you won't be tripping all over yourself."
"This looks alright?"
"Merlin, they'd be offering you the job if you weren't still in school."
"Ha." She turned away from the mirror, retrieving a hair tie to pull her into a low twist at the nape of her neck. "So you think I'll pass for a ministry worker?"
"Honestly," Dorcas said, having found her place back on Alice's bed. "You're probably too dressed up to work there."
"Oh, I shouldn't then –"
"No!" – "You have to!" – "Don't be daft!"
The others' raised choruses of refutes rose in the dorm and Lily laughed, a bit embarrassed.
Alice threw Dorcas a glare. "You're not too dressed up. If anything, you're more than qualified and your appearance only further supports that."
"I'm a 6th Year muggle-born, who wants to be an Auror. Should I be trying this hard?"
"Only adds to your resume."
"Looking fit?"
"Looking professional," Marlene corrected. "Now come on, let's get going before we're late. You're meeting Slughorn?"
"At his office," she confirmed. "We're supposed to floo."
"Ugh," Dorcas groaned. "Worst way to travel in fancy robes."
Lily chuckled reluctantly. "I'm sure I'll manage."
She trailed behind Marlene and Alice down the stairs while Dorcas and Emmeline returned to their own dormitory, willingly pushing down the sudden rush of self-consciousness. At the bottom of the stairs, she found most of the common room was empty; it was still early in the morning, students milling about slowly, probably still in their dorms – except –
"Evs," Sirius called from in front of the hearth. The three other Gryffindor boys sat beside him, heads bowed over the table in front of them, working on something. He, rather expectedly, was lounging back in his seat as he let them toil. "Who're you trying to impress? I don't remember that being allowed in the school uniform policy."
Lily really hoped the warmth in her cheeks wasn't noticeable as she suddenly gained the attention of the rest of the marauders, who had looked up in curiosity at Sirius's words. She purposely didn't look at James's face, instead fussing with the strap of her bag over her shoulder to give her something to focus on.
"She's going to the ministry today, you git," Marlene said. "She's got to look proper."
"Oh, right," he recalled, leaning forward onto his elbow's. "Sluggy's escorting you – we get a free period."
"For those of you in AP Potions," Marlene complained, falling onto the open lounge chair near the sofa. "I've still got Potions this afternoon."
"I should probably head down to grab something to eat," Lily surmised, a warning to the group as she moved past the group of sofas. "I'll meet you all after I get back later."
"Mind if I join you?"
Her heart rate immediately spiked at his voice. A part of her had been expecting it, but she turned back towards them reluctantly, catching sight of Marlene's impish grin before (bravely) meeting James's eye.
"Oh, that's alright," she insisted in what she hoped was a nonchalant tone. "I've got to get to Slughorn's soon, so I only planned to stop for a quick bite."
"That's perfect," he said, already standing. Lily refrained from shooting Marlene a panicked look. "I've got to stop by to speak to McGonagall right after, so that works out great."
"Brilliant," she said, tone a bit tight.
In a movement that seemed to take little effort for him, he rushed forward to open the portrait for her, gesturing with his arm.
He must've just showered: his hair was still damp and the scent of pine she now associated with him was strong when she inhaled as she passed by him.
She'd never be able to be near a Christmas tree without having thoughts. God, why was this happening?
"Nervous?"
She started, worried she'd said something out loud. "What?"
"About the trip to the ministry?"
"Oh, right. Yes, a bit."
"You'll be brilliant. If there's one thing you can do, Evans, is talk to adults and woo them."
"Potter," she complained, trying to cover her pleased smile by looking down to check her robes.
She could hear the smirk in his voice. "I'm serious. I've got to go convince McGonagall to extend pitch hours for practice. I'm sure you'd be able to convince her."
"That's what you earn when you're trustworthy and honest," she said wryly. "Anyway, doesn't Hooch make that decision?"
"I am absolutely trustworthy," he argued, knocking his elbow into hers as they walked. "I'm actually a bit offended, Evans."
She rolled her eyes at his teasing tone. "Okay, sure. Trustworthy. Honest? Definitely not."
"Ouch," he grinned. "I'd say I'm often sincere. Genuine even."
"Oh, I totally agree with genuine," she said, almost unwillingly. She could tell her admission surprised him – from the corner of her eye, she saw his head turned towards her. "But being genuine and being honest are two different things."
She met his eye in time to see his smirk form. "Not necessarily."
"I suppose our definition of genuine is different then."
"Well, what's your definition of genuine?
"I guess it's more about my definition of honest," she acknowledged. "Not telling lies, admitting the truth, and all that."
"Sure."
"Being genuine is more about being candid; forthright. You mean what you say, when you say it."
"You think I'm genuine?"
The tone he had used was solemn, as if he were truly curious. She compulsively met his gaze as they walked. "I do. I don't think I ever hear you say something that you don't mean."
He grinned, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "But isn't that the same as honest?"
She huffed with her own grin. "Not at all. You meant what you said when helped that 2nd Year with that vanishing spell last week –"
"– You saw that?"
"– but obviously lied to McGonagall when you told her it wasn't you two that cast the doorknobs to disappear from the first floor toilets."
"That kid's got quite the potential," James interjected. "McGonagall gave us detention anyways, but I'm positive she was impressed by Beauchamp's spellwork."
Lily snorted.
"Lying to a professor doesn't mean I'm not honest. That's just self-preservation, Evans."
She hummed, rolling her eyes, twisting her new bracelet – a habit she'd started whenever nervous, she noticed. "Well, then. You were genuine in commending Peter for his efforts on making that lemon treacle tart after we got back from holiday break."
"Well, yeah, he wanted to send it to his mum as a thank-you for his new telescope and make it just right."
"But you weren't honest when you told him it tasted good."
"I said it tasted flavorful," he corrected, raising a hand to smooth his hair down as they approached the landing that would split their journeys. "How'd you remember that?"
"That tart was by far the most sour thing I've ever tasted."
He chuckled reluctantly and their steps began to slow naturally. "No, I mean – how'd you remember what I'd said?"
James was asking her something here, she could sense it. Something that held weight in his tone. It made her ribcage tighten in that uncomfortable way that she now recognized.
In all actuality, it wasn't so much what he'd said that night that she remembered, but rather how he looked. It was one of the rare nights she hadn't been able to escape his presence; the group of 6th Year witches and wizards had congregated together in front of the fire in the common room, chatting about their holiday break. Peter had just returned from the kitchens, where the elves had been kind enough to help him bake the treacle tart he'd brought to them for a taste-test.
Lily had consciously chosen the smaller loveseat settee across from the sofa, hoping the physical separation would stop (or maybe, more accurately lessen) her emotional reaction. It had been a mistake, of course. The seat. It put him in her direct line of sight.
James had been wearing an old Gryffindor Quidditch jumper, the fabric threadbare and tight across his shoulders. She was once again reminded that he looked fit and that Gryffindor scarlet was most definitely his color.
"Not my favorite, mate," Remus said consolingly to Peter, who looked more and more disheartened as they took turns tasting the crumbling treat. Remus passed over the fork to James, who leaned forward to scoop up a bite.
He was better at schooling his expression than Remus was, chewing thoughtfully, using the back of his hand to wipe away excess crumbs from his mouth. It reminded Lily of when she'd used her thumb to clear away the soot that had marked his chin.
She, truthfully, couldn't remember what he'd said to Peter, but she remembered Peter's hopeful look at James's reassurances, how it seemed to build his confidence just a bit to give the recipe another go (James even went with him to the kitchens to help with the second and third attempt).
In the present moment, Lily's stomach turned over as she realized she had a choice here. A choice she wasn't quite ready for.
She shrugged, glancing towards the staircases.
If he sensed her turmoil, he didn't comment. "And, yes, Hooch does make the decision about pitch time. But I figured if I've got McGonagall behind me, she'd be more willing to say yes."
"Well then, I suppose I'll say good luck," Lily said. "I'd offer, but I think I've reached my max on Hooch's favors with that snitch."
"I thought you said you only needed to ask."
"Well, it took some convincing," she admitted with a grin. "I'll see you later. Good luck."
"Same to you," he responded, but she'd already turned to take a step down onto the staircase.
She resisted the urge to glance over her shoulder, resolutely staring forward as she began the descent towards the Great Hall.
When she came to the Entrance Hall, she hesitated, her stomach too unsettled for her to even attempt to digest something. She moved on, navigating the way towards the dungeons in practice steps.
As requested, she stopped by the potions-mixing room to grab a few fresh phials of the latest brewed batch, placing them securely into her charmed bag (extra space and cushioning), before she re-casted the protection charm over her cauldron and left the room to meet Slughorn at his office. He'd been waiting for her, standing up from his desk when she entered through the doorway. "There you are, Lily!"
"Sorry, sir," she said sheepishly. "Wanted to make sure I got that fresh phial." She patted her bag.
"Brilliant, dear. I'm sure the team at the D.E.C.P. will be pleased regardless. Got everything else? Wand, notes?"
"I do," she confirmed, patting the pocket of her borrowed robes next.
"After you then, my dear," Slughorn motioned towards the floo powder.
"Thank you, sir." She shared an excited smile with him, before grabbing a handful of the powder and in one motion, tossed it into the hearth and murmured, "Ministry of Magic!"
The atrium of the ministry was just as you'd imagine; filled with organized chaos as she recovered her footing, stepping aside just in time as Slughorn himself stepped out from the hearth behind her.
Kindly, he waved his wand over them both, removing any evidence of soot.
"We'll need to check in with the secretary desk first, I suppose. This way."
Lily had only been to the ministry once – two summers ago when visiting Emmeline at her large home. Emmeline's mum was going to take them to Diagon Alley, but wanted to drop lunch off for her husband. Rather than letting the two girls stay behind, she'd invited them along.
At the time, Mr. Vance had floo access directly in his office, so Lily had only really caught a glimpse of the busy corridor beyond his office door.
This time, Lily was sure to survey everything with a keen eye, watching as other wizard and witches floo'd in, spelled themselves clean, and walked with purpose towards the series of lifts set against the far wall of the large, grand area.
"Visiting Wimble in the Department of Experimental Concoctions and Potions," Slughorn was saying to the security wizard. "Horace Slughorn and Lily Evans."
"Wands, please," the wizard said gruffly.
They dutifully handed them over and watched as the wizard placed Slughorn's wand upon the brass-scales, waited for the reading, and then replaced it with Lily's own wand.
"Thank you," Slughorn said, accepting both wands and handing hers back. "If you could remind me which way to the right floor?"
"Level five," the wizard droned, pointing towards the lifts. "Have a pleasant day."
"Pleasant, indeed," Slughorn said wryly and shared a grin with Lily. "He seemed to enjoy his work."
"Very enthused," Lily said deadpanned and Slughorn snorted. "Have you been to this department before, sir?"
"Oh, ages ago," he admitted, waving her forward towards an empty lift. "I did work for the ministry for quite a few years, but remotely. They'd owl me assignments as needed."
She stepped into the small space, shifting to allow room for Slughorn to fit in. "Did you like it?"
His head tilted in thought. "I think I enjoyed the freedom of the job," he divulged. "Sometimes they granted me license to travel internationally to other ministries. That's where I met quite a few connections, you know?"
Lily nodded.
"It was glamorous at times, as well. Meeting the ministers and heads of departments. Attend their annual events."
"Is that where you got the idea of the Christmas parties?"
He winked. "If there was one thing I enjoyed about my employment with the ministry, it was certainly the parties they held."
"Do you miss it?" she asked curiously, nearly stumbling as the lift came to a sharp halt. The doors shuddered open, revealing a long and wide corridor, multiple doors lining the walls. Witches and wizards milled about, the workday not quite started.
Slughorn pressed her forward out of the lift as he pondered over his response. "I suppose I don't, Lily. When Dumbledore offered me the role as professor at Hogwarts, how could I say no? And to then become Head over my former house? It's been simply magical, forgive the pun."
Lily chuckled unwillingly.
Slughorn looked pleased at her reaction, before studying the corridor in front of them. "Ah, I see – Department of Experimental Concoctions and Potions. Looks like it's the seventh door down. Shall we?"
The nerves she thought had gone returned thrice-fold. "Of course," she said instead, allowing Slughorn to lead them towards the desired door.
"Professor!" Wimble called, as soon as they'd entered the door. The wizard was dressed sharply in a set of dark red robes.
Lily took a quick moment to study the large room (much larger than she would've expected) and found rows of marble tabletops strategically placed perpendicularly in the room. On each table was set a single, large black cauldron, a brewing kit, and what appeared to be gold scales for measuring. The other wizards and witches of the department must've still been arriving, for only a few tables had occupants.
The few who were there looked up curiously at Wimble's pleased exclamation, eyes landing on the new arrivals to survey them curiously. Lily saw they wore the same deep red robes as well, though less pressed. A wizard had his sleeves rolled up, the clasp undone at this neck. He was sweating, hanging over a cauldron.
"My dear Wimble," Slughorn greeted as the wizard came closer. "So good to see you! Hopefully we're not too late."
"Nonsense," Wimble claimed, checking the large clock set in the wall above the door. "You're quite early, actually."
"Punctuality over dilatoriness," Slughorn intoned. "Though, as I recall from your days, that was often not the case."
Wimble chuckled. "No, it was not. I'm surprised you never gave me more detentions, sir. Surely I deserved them."
"Your Everlasting Elixirs were far too impressive to allow you to deserve punishment. Besides, I'm sure that wouldn't have looked promising on your transcripts when you applied for this department, hm?"
"For which I shall be forever grateful," Wimble affirmed with a grin. "Miss Evans, I hope you're doing well. Shall we begin the tour?"
Lily met his question with what she hoped was a brilliant smile, rather than the nervous one she felt was likely coming though. "I'm very excited to see everything."
"Let's start then, before we take a look at your potion. I'll show you the potion stores first, as I see not everyone's quite yet arrived for the day."
"You'll be very impressed by this," Slughorn chimed as he followed where Lily and Wimble moved through the main pathway towards a set of doors that lined the back of the room.
Wimble opened the first door on the left and – Slughorn was right. The sight before her caused her eyes to widen. Rows, upon rows of phials, boxes, and crates of different ingredients and potion-ready mixes.
"How…?"
Wimble chuckled. "Being close to someone in the International Magical Trading Standards Body certainly helps." He gestured towards the countless shelves and turned back, pleased. "Oh, no, not like that," he assured quickly at Lily's dubious look. "Just that they know where to look for the best products – and quickly."
"We had no doubts," Slughorn assured with a wink, but Lily was admittedly curious.
"Any highly combustible and volatile ingredients are locked behind that door –" Wimble gestured straight back, with a door that appeared to have locks not dissimilar to ones she had seen in Gringotts. "Need a special key and charm to get in there."
"Perhaps next time we'll have a tour for that room," Slughorn dared wryly. "For now, why don't you walk through Miss Evans through the formal process you and your fellows follow when testing potions."
"Of course," Wimble agreed, leading them back towards the main room. "I'll have you meet the main crew and then we can dive into the experimental potion you've brought for us. Have you got any questions so far, Miss Evans?"
"No, sir," she replied, though she had over a dozen. She followed him, thrilled and nervous.
Over the next hour, Wimble walked Lily and Slughorn throughout the department, discussing what was involved in the undertaking and operations of going through a new potion; and, what Lily was surprised to find, any continuous improvements and experimentations on existing potions ("Always room for improvement." Wimble had insisted).
The room had begun to fill out with quite a few more brewers, but she'd only met the most senior members of the department – Theresa Alderidge, Lucretia Rothechild, and Gareth Flint, who looked more annoyed to have been interrupted than anything. Flint had been the wizard working over a smoking cauldron when they'd first entered; his dark, thin hair was damp with sweat still and his bloodshot eyes set off against the dark circles beneath them.
"Working on variations of the Draught of Living Death," Wimble informed them in a low voice. "I've tried to get him to take more breaks, but the bloody bloke seems adamant."
Slughorn looked thoughtful. "Slytherin, wasn't he? It's been a few years, but he appears familiar…"
"Aye," Wimble confirmed. "Few years older than me, sir. But I recall his parents removing him from Hogwarts to complete education from home."
"Ah," Slughorn said, and Lily already knew of his thoughts against homeschooling (he wasn't a fan).
"Shall we take a look at your potion, then?" Wimble proposed, leading them towards one of the empty tabletops. "If I recall correctly, you were quite a thorough researcher."
"Correct," Lily said wryly, patting her bag. "I know that quite a few of the ingredients involved have to be handled with care. I didn't want to overlook any possible interactions that would be disastrous."
Wimble laughed. "Seems like you're already ahead of half the applicants we get for the department. "Let's see what you've got."
He spent the next half hour quizzing her over the potion's composition and brewing specifications and Lily, in a manner that she knew she excelled at, responded confidently, having become as familiar with the potion as if it were the back of her own hand. She'd pulled out the phials from her bag, handling one that had been sealed to him and uncorking the other to pour into a small beaker Wimble had directed her towards.
"Artemisia absinthium?" Wimble inquired as she went over the brewing steps, waving his wand over the potion. "That's quite hard to come by."
Slughorn, who they both knew left her quite the freedom to brew as she saw fit (well-earned trust), looked a bit surprised as well. "Certainly not easy at Hogwarts."
Lily smiled sheepishly. "It was really quite the perfect ingredient to help with the boiling stage."
"Connections of your own, then?" Wimble asked with a grin.
"Something like that, I suppose," she admitted.
"It's always the simplest solutions – but the hardest ingredients to come by that are the right answers."
Slughorn chuckled. "Something I presume we all learn over and over."
There was a sudden hush that fell over the hall; and then a sound of memos, flittering and fluttering by the dozens swooped into the room.
"What's this?" Her professor asked with a quirked grin. "Has the minister suddenly resigned?"
Wimble plucked a parchment aeroplane from the air in a practice move, unfolding it to read it quickly. He brought his hand to rub at his mouth, eyes widening. "There's been another attack – near St. Mungo's. Mass casualties – need to evacuate the ministry. Immediately."
Slughorn's jaw dropped as Lily processed what Wimble had said, quickly turning to scan the room to watch the other occupants of the room read the same words with shock.
"Wimble!" one of them called in shock. "What's this mean?"
"It's…" the wizard himself seemed to struggle. "We need to clear out. Now, team!"
"This is ludicrous!" a woman called. "Wimble, we can't just –"
"Clear out now!" he repeated in a sterner tone. "Cast whatever charms necessary to stagnate your cauldrons. Evanesco any non–important potions. Trash any ingredients that'll putrefy!"
The room had fallen still at his raised voice, his comrades staring at each other in confusion and concern.
"Let's GO!" Wimble shouted, waving them to action.
"Wimble, surely we're safe here," Slughorn said in worried tones.
To Slughorn, Wimble softened his tone. "I'm sure we are, Horace, but we can't risk anyone's safety. We need to leave quickly." His eyes landed on Lily, leaning forward to help gather her notes and the extra phial of her potion. "Certainly not what we would have wanted for today, I'm afraid, Miss Evans."
Lily didn't even know how to respond verbally, but accepted the things, tucking them into her bag. She opened her mouth, but a crash at a nearby table grabbed their attention.
"Sorry, sorry!" Flint apologized hastily, waving his wand to clear out the broken beaker's glass.
"Be careful, Gareth," Wimble snapped, before turning back to Lily and Slughorn. "Through that door, take a sharp left. There's a designated apparition point for emergencies that the departments use from this floor. They'll have shut down the floo."
"I suppose that's our cue, Miss Evans," Slughorn said lightly, guiding Lily towards the aforementioned door with a gentle hand. "I expect an owl, Wimble, as soon as you've made it home safely."
Wimble smiled. "Of course, Horace. Same to you."
"Thank you, sir," Lily said softly, still processing the events that were taking place.
"My pleasure, Miss Evans," he replied kindly, before wincing as another crash sounded. "Flint, what did I just say?"
"Come on," Slughorn said, in a more serious tone than Lily had ever heard. "You've passed your apparition examination, I assume?"
"I have, just the last session," Lily confirmed, nearly knocked over when another wizard came running past them towards the door. "But we can't apparate to Hogwarts, sir. To Hogsmeade?"
"To Hogsmeade," he confirmed, holding onto her shoulders a bit more securely as he guided her forward.
"Do you think –"
"I'm not sure what to think, Lily. Let's just get back safely to Hogwarts, yes?"
"Of course," she said, feeling chastised.
The corridor as they stepped out into it was even more chaotic. Wizards and witches, arms stuffed with paperwork and random items, were sprinting down the hallway, towards what Lily assumed was the Apparition Point.
A loud scream – piercing almost – echoed down the corridor the opposite way of the apparition point. Many who'd been running slowed, curious, looking over their shoulders at the sound – another scream echoed.
"Sir," Lily said, frozen in shock.
"They can't have – attacked. Not the ministry," Slughorn murmured, more to himself than her, analyzing the scene.
There was a great shout – and then another hoard of witches and wizards came flooding down the corridor.
"GO!" someone was shouting. "Run! It's them – It's them!"
Someone knocked into Lily sideways, sweeping her clear off her feet and landing painfully onto her side. It was a wizard, clearly an accident. He stumbled an apology, eyes unseeing as he scrambled to skirt over her, stepping around to resume his sprint towards the apparition point.
"Lily!" Slughorn's voice called, but amongst the chaos, she quickly focused on shuffling backwards towards the wall to avoid the onslaught of feet and legs as they trampled around her.
By the time she managed to pull herself into a standing position, her hair had been knocked loose from her bun and she was certain there was a bruise on her cheek.
"Professor!" she called, but could not locate Slughorn through the running bodies.
"Bombarda!" a hoarse voice echoed from the main hall.
The ceiling of the hallway collapsed with a loud, grinding noise; many of the workers had time to escape the onslaught of concrete and marble that suddenly cut off the path to the Apparition point.
All appeared to have been able to avoid the wreckage, except a witch, who screamed, a large marble slab landing on her lower half. Her arm was trapped as well, and the woman screamed again, in pain this time.
Without thought, Lily threw herself forward, raising her wand to levitate the hunk of rubble off the witch as swiftly as she could. She grabbed the woman's arm and they crouched together against the rubble. "Is anything broken? Are you alright?"
"I'm alright, I'm alright," the witch gasped. She appeared to only be a few years older than Lily. "Just bruises, I'm sure. Thank you so much."
Another explosion shook the foundations of the floor beneath them. Lily instinctively ducked, worried about the falling debris. "How do we – the Apparition point –"
"We'll need to go to the next one – it'll be near the Department of Co-op," the woman said, winded, eyes-wide and hands shaking. "We'll need to – need to –"
"Which way?"
"The l–left." The woman was shaking. "B–but they sounded like they were out there – in the main hallway."
"Disillusionment charm," Lily urged insistently. "Can you cast one on yourself?"
"I–I think so." The woman raised her wand to cast –
"Wait," she said. "Please hold my hand. Don't let go."
The woman met Lily's eyes, nodded, accepting her hand. The two witches cast the charm; Lily shivered at the sensation, grateful for the spell.
Unseen, the woman tugged on her hand and Lily allowed herself to be pulled forward, having a hard time trying to navigate the chunks of marble beneath her feet when she couldn't see them.
In the main hall – chaos. More destruction beyond; doors had been blasted apart at the hinges, where their wood showered the marble floor.
"This way," the witch hissed, her grip iron-like.
She wondered if the witch fared any better than her, tripping and stumbling over pieces of wood and marble. There were screams of horror echoing down the halls; but no pain. Lily wasn't sure why that made her feel better, but it did.
The next hall the woman guided her to was empty; the workers in the department must've been able to escape. They turned a sharp corner, entering a lobby of sorts, where a lone table – still intact – stood in the middle of the room.
The woman squeezed Lily's hand. "This is it. Do you have somewhere to go?"
It was a good question. Did she? She wanted to go straight to Hogwarts – but with the Apparation Wards, she knew she couldn't. She could apparate home, but that felt – dangerous. As if someone would be able to tell where she went – follow her home.
"I'm – from Hogwarts," Lily blurted. "I can't –"
The woman squeezed her hand again. "Hogsmeade. Apparate to Hogsmeade – and send a Patronus to Dumbledore."
"A Patronus?" Lily asked. "I've never –"
"Then a letter," the woman insisted. "Conjure a parchment – anything – send it up to the school. He'll come."
Lily was nodding, until she realized the woman couldn't see her. "I – I will," she insisted. "How will I know you're –"
"Hestia," the woman said. "I'm Hestia Jones."
"Lily Evans," she confessed. "Thank you –"
"No, thank you, Lily," the woman's grip on her hand tightened and then loosened, releasing her hand completely. "Get home, quick."
There was the sudden sound of a pop – the woman must've apparated – and then Lily shut her own eyes tightly. Destination. Determination. Deliberation.
She pictured the gates of Hogwarts, the pathway up to the school, just on the other end of Hogsmeade. Her hand shook as she twisted in place – visualizing –
And she was sucked into the cold, stifling vacuum – before she was spat out, falling to her hands and knees, suddenly nauseous.
When she looked up from the ground, her heart stuttered in relief – the castle of Hogwarts jutted out above her, herself situated yards away from the castle's gate. On shaky legs, she forced herself to stand, stumbling towards the gate until she was able to fall against it, testing it. It was locked.
Closing her eyes tight once again, she raised her wand. She'd attempted to perform the Patronus Charm before – unsuccessful– but maybe –
"Expecto Patronum!"
It was only a wisp of bright blue light. Unhelpful in her hopes to send a message to Dumbledore. She did as Hestia suggested, transfiguring a dead leaf, plucked from the snow, into a piece of parchment. With her wand, she wrote.
Ministry under attack. Stuck at gates. Lily.
Satisfied with the somewhat neat writing, she curled her wand once, watching the paper fold itself into an aeroplane and whiz off.
She waited. And waited. Worried that her letter hadn't gone as far as she hoped. And then –
Dumbledore appeared at the top of the path between the trees, dressed in his familiar silver-toned robes. Beside him, McGonagall – and Slughorn. She was relieved, thankful that the potions master had returned as well.
They rushed towards her, Dumbledore lifting his wand. The gates groaned and opened, and she slipped through before they had even fully opened.
Almost embarrassingly, she stumbled into the headmaster's arms, his awaiting hug secure and welcome.
"Miss Evans," he said assuringly. "You've made it back. I'm so glad you're safe."
She nodded, pulling back, a bit embarrassed by the sudden sting at her eyes.
"Can you tell me what you've seen?"
"Not much," she admitted. "I got separated from Slughorn soon after the warnings arrived. Then someone cast an exploding charm on the ceiling – it collapsed and I wasn't able to head towards the apparition point they had directed us to. Another witch had been harmed. Hestia Jones – she helped me find another one. I didn't see much other than panicked ministry workers trying to escape."
"I'm so sorry, my dear," Slughorn said.
"I understand, sir," she said, and meant it. Among the chaos, it was hard to keep track of anything. "I hadn't seen any curses… or Death Eaters. But I'm sure that was maybe the intent. Cause disorder and mayhem."
"Too right, Lily," Dumbledore murmured, smoothing a hand over his beard.
"Albus, are you –?"
"I must, Minerva," he acknowledged patiently. "Will you –?"
The professor nodded once, expression full of stern understanding. "I'll await your phoenix."
"Sir?"
The older wizard looked towards her with a solemn expression. "It appears I'll have to take a quick leave, Lily. I cannot express how relieved I am to see you unharmed. Professors, please share the news with the other Heads of Houses as appropriate."
The two nodded and Dumbledore gave Lily one last look; a simple wink that filled Lily with the reassurance she had been waiting for.
McGonagall placed a hand on her shoulder, steering her back towards the castle.
-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-
No one had been informed of the attack – yet – when Lily had returned to the Gryffindor Common Room.
McGonagall had taken Lily to her office for a cup of tea first, hoping to calm the young witch's nerves, but it did little to help, truthfully. She was curious what had truly happened at the ministry – how many were killed? Was it the same Death Eaters that had committed vile attacks as before?
McGonagall could do little to alleviate her concerns and she seemed to know this. "Head to the common room, Lily. Please refrain from sharing what you've seen with anyone until we learn more."
"Of course," she said immediately, already moving to stand.
The Gryffindor Head of House had nothing else to say.
Waiting felt like torture.
Class was still in session. Lily was surprised to find that it was only just after lunch, though it felt like it had been ages since she'd floo'd to the ministry this morning.
So she waited, on her bed, in the dorm, hair a mess and the robes she'd borrowed rumpled from being sprawled across the bed.
Marlene opened the door and stopped short as she caught sight of her. "What're you doing here?" she asked. "I thought you'd be down in the dungeons refining your potion before you even thought about returning to the dorms."
Lily rolled over onto her stomach. "Have you heard anything?"
"What d'you mean?" Marlene asked curiously. She tossed her bag onto her own bed. "Afternoon classes were cancelled, but the prefect who came to class said it was due to a faulty sewage line – we suspected the Marauders."
She probably would've snorted, if that had been the truth. "No, it's – well, I mean –"
She considered McGonagall's request, how she'd asked her not to tell anyone. Understandably so. Panic wouldn't do anyone good.
"What is it?" Marlene demanded, seeing the indecision on her face. "Tell me. Did they hate your potion?"
But it was Marlene. And Lily suspected everyone would know soon enough… she scrambled to stand, rushing closer to the blonde, who watched, confused.
"There was an attack," she said in a hushed manner. "At the ministry – I didn't really see anything, but it was chaos. Someone blew up one of the corridors, and who knows what else."
"What happened? Whoa, hang on, this happened just now?"
Lily nodded, glancing over her shoulder as if McGonagall – or worse, Dumbledore – was going to crash through the door and tell her off. "They think Death Eaters attacked the ministry. I had to apparate back – I got separated from Slughorn –"
"He left you behind?"
Lily waved her off. "It was pure chaos – I don't think I would've been able to find him even if I tried."
Marlene didn't look convinced, but let it slide. "You didn't see any of the Death Eaters? None were around?"
Lily shook her head. "At least, I didn't see any in those robes and masks they've been known for."
The two witches shuddered, having seen images of them in the last Prophet's coverage on the Halloween attack.
Marlene collapsed onto her bed, eyes unfocused as she processed. "The ministry. How could – what's his face – Minchum – have let this happen? That's … bloody horrifying."
"Dumbledore knows," she informed her, sharing the rest of her story, how she'd returned and they came to the gates.
Marlene looked relieved. "If anyone could help recover this mess…"
Lily nodded in agreement.
"But Merlin, what's this going to mean? The ministry. Attacked. That's different than anything else…"
"Come on," she said, pulling on her arm. "I'm starving – can we go to the kitchens?"
By the time they'd left, eat, and returned, the owls started arriving and Lily had told Marlene about her whole experience.
"Someone's uncle works at the ministry – owled Fengley's mum, who owled Fengley," Peter was saying at the normal spot in front of the fireplace. He pointed out the 4th Year in the corner and the other five (Emmeline, Dorcas, and the three other Marauders) turned to look simultaneously. "From there, nearly everyone reached out to their family at home. Well, those who worked at the ministry, at least."
Emmeline nodded in response. "Mum owled us – Dad's alright. Just shaken. He wasn't on the levels that had been attacked."
"Do you think you'll hear from Marc?" Lily asked quietly as the two girls stood a bit back from the larger group. "Your mum?"
"I hope," Marlene sighed, falling into an open spot.
With a frown, Lily realized this left only one seat open among the group – the small spot between the arm of the couch and – James. With as little as hesitation as she could, she took it, trying not to make it a big deal (to herself). She focused on what Emmeline was saying.
"They weren't actually at the ministry," Emmeline read aloud. "Or at least, they're claiming it wasn't them – that someone just wanted to cause a panic."
"That's complete shit," Marlene huffed. "Of course it was them."
"It's the Ministry trying to save face," James commented with disgust, crossing his arms, his elbow brushing against her arm. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, but he seemed unaffected, the movement an accident. "If no one was killed, that's great," he said. "But they're going to hide the fact that the Death Eaters were able to accomplish an attack against them, supposedly 'safe' with 'plenty of security'."
"Old blood security, more like," Sirius uttered, sharing the same hostility.
Emmeline started, catching sight of Lily as if processing it for the first time. "Oh, Lily," she said. "You were there! I mean, obviously you look okay, but – what the hell happened?"
The group turned to look at her simultaneously. She was very conscious of James's head turning towards her.
Her cheeks flushed. "It was chaotic," she answered honestly. "I don't think I've seen such panic and disorganization since Sirius set off that dung bomb in the 7th Year girls' dormitory back in 2nd Year."
Sirius smirked. "Merlin, that was the best reaction ever."
While he laughed, Lily could tell that some of the group, those more somber like Remus, Emmeline and Peter, appreciated the levity.
"As long as no one was killed," she said, repeating James's earlier words as she thought of the witch, Hestia Jones, and how close she had been to being properly hurt. "Unrelatedly, can any of you perform the Patronus charm?"
Her question diverted the course of the group's attention successfully; Emmeline guessed hers would be a cat. Marlene was 85% positive would be a kniffler. Sirius was absolutely sure his would be a dog, Peter's a rat, and James's a stag. They spent an inordinate amount of time debating what Remus's would be.
Lily could only wonder what hers would be.
-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-
It wasn't that the corridors hadn't been hostile before the attack, but there was a more aggressive tension than there had been before.
The upper years of the Slytherin house seemed to go more out of their way to harass muggle-borns, untempered ever since the ministry's 'alleged' ambush; and Lily, one of the few muggle-borns in the upper years, took the brunt of the bedevilment. Which was fine, she thought.
Rather her than any of the younger students who were incapable of warding off the jinxes or hexes.
"Oi," she called, having been walking to History, rushing to step in front of the 2nd Year Ravenclaw. "What do you think you're doing?"
The blonde girl – a Lestrange, Lily thought – gave her a disgusted look. "None of your business, Prefect. The girl looked lost. We thought she needed help."
"With your wand?"
Lestrange shrugged and the boy beside her nudged her elbow, chuckling under his breath as he leaned in to whisper something into her ear.
"Ten points from Slytherin," Lily stated. "For misconduct with another student."
Lestrange and the boy's eyes snapped up in enraged shock.
"You can't do that!" Lestrange said waspishly. "We did nothing of the sort."
"Yeah?" Lily replied. "And that Tripping Jinx was meant to help her?"
"Weren't you already told to mind your own business, mudblood?" the boy snarled.
"Another ten," she retorted, and against her better adjustment, turned her back to help the 2nd Year Ravenclaw collect the rest of her scattered books and notes.
"You –"
There was a loud noise behind her. Lily whirled, wand at the ready, but the sight surprised her.
The boy had been knocked into the corridor's wall, appearing to have collided with Lestrange in a painful manner. The two were tangled, crying out in annoyance and pain.
Lily looked over her shoulder further down the corridor, catching sight of James and Sirius as they approached.
"What did you do?" she demanded.
James's jaw was set, glaring at the two Slytherins. "He raised his wand against your back."
"James," she scolded, breathing through her nose to level her temper. She turned her attention back to the 2nd Year, handing over the few books she had managed to collect. "Here you go," she said softly. "Head back to your dorms. Take that corridor and hang a left, it's a shortcut if you taken another left."
"Thanks," the girl said quietly, shaken.
"Get to class, then," Lily said in a short tone to the two Slytherins. "Unless you want more points taken?"
"Or another hex," Sirius said wryly. She sent him a glare.
"Fucking bloodtraitors," the boy fumed, hauling Lestrange up onto her feet. He stooped to collect their wands. "I'll tell Slughorn about this."
"Go ahead," Lily said. "Be sure to tell him how it all started."
"Mudblood."
"How about you take off before this escalates further, Carrow?" James suggested coolly.
The boy, Carrow, grabbed onto Lestrange's arm and dragged her away, the two glaring over their shoulders as they quickly vanished down the corridor.
"What was that?" Lily demanded once more, whirling to face James.
"Carrow was going to hex you –"
"That shouldn't matter," she snapped. "They're just witless 5th Years spouting out rhetoric they've been taught."
It had stung her pride a bit, as well. Not that she'd admit that part to him. But she knew it only drew more attention to them. She knew she'd be hearing about it from the other Slytherins.
James pinched the bridge of his nose just below his glasses. "Oh right, because I'm supposed to do nothing?"
"Yes," Lily hissed, fighting against the urge to pull at her hair. "That's what they want. They want you to push back. It adds fuel to their fire. God, James, can't you see that?"
"So you're just going to let them curse you, with Merlin-knows-what kind of spell?"
In truth, Lily didn't want to think about that. The Slytherins were only 5th Years, but she knew from Severus that the housemates tended to share jinxes and hexes that could be found helpful in thorny situations.
"You could just say thanks," Sirius cut in with a sly grin. "That's what is usually customary."
"Don't start," she snapped at him, turning on her heel to cut back towards the Gryffindor tower, self–aware to know that her temper was just simmering below the surface.
She really didn't want to think about how her heart stuttered at the thought of James stepping in to protect her.
-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-
Meals in the Great Hall also tended to be a less lively affair than ever before in the following days. The students tended to eat as quickly as possible before returning to their common areas, hoping to avoid any animosity from the Slytherins.
As one of the few prefects comfortable enough to do so, Lily tried to stick around for as long as she could, but often returned with the rest of the younger years to escort them back (upon their request – she knew they'd feel weird if she just followed them).
All in all, she was able to successfully ensure the safety of her house mates, as well as avoid James, another habit she had seemed to pick up. Not that she had always consciously avoided him (prior to this school year, at least), but she certainly appreciated the techniques of evasion she had learned in the Game.
He seemed to know this too.
She couldn't tell if he had been using the map they had made, or just somehow instinctively knew where she'd be, but she had seen more of his mop of hair than desired.
He was waiting between the dormitory staircases when she entered after dinner – possibly not waiting for her specifically, but she saw his head swivel towards her as she entered behind the 1st and 2nd Years.
"Hey," he said, jumping up from his seat to greet her.
She played nonchalant, slowing but not quite turning her body towards him. "Oh, hey. Where're the others?"
"Library," he said with a smirk. "Tough Divination assignment."
"Ah, of course. And you didn't join them?"
"I've got practice in a bit."
"Right. Marlene mentioned that at lunch before."
"Hey. About the other day –"
"No, it's alright, James –"
"No," he quickly disagreed. "You were right. Lestrange and Carrow were looking for a fight. And you've got to pick your battles."
She was relieved. "Exactly. You can't give them what they want. A show."
"I just wanted to say – sorry. I know you hate it when someone else steps in."
"I've got to get better about accepting help," she said wryly. "Someone told me – well, yelled, really – that I need to ask for it. Practice what you preach and all that."
James chuckled reluctantly, reaching up to run a hand over his hair, flattening the wild ends. "Yeah, that fight wasn't one of my proudest moments."
She snorted. "Do you have many of those?"
"Fights? Or proud moments?"
"I don't know. If you have to clarify, I suppose that's my answer." Merlin, why was she quick to flirting?
He grinned. "Then I suppose I'll have to wait to share the tales of my most memorable experiences. You heading to dinner?"
That tight-feeling was back in her chest. "Oh, actually, was just coming up from there. Making sure all the 1st Years got back okay."
He nodded, grinned unaffected. "I should probably grab a quick bite anyway before practice. I'll catch you later."
"Bye," she said to his back as he walked away, wincing at the unexplained embarrassed feeling that struck her.
She took the steps up to the dorm two at a time, pushing aside the uncomfortable feeling. Unsurprised to find Marlene there, a pre-ritual for her practices as of late.
"Where's Emmeline? I thought she'd be down for dinner, but I haven't seen her."
"They pulled her this morning," Marlene said quietly, refolding and folding her Quidditch jumper.
Lily's steps towards her bed faltered. "But she hasn't even finished the term, we've got months left – her exams –"
Marlene shrugged. "She can take them from home. With the threats on her dad, her mom didn't feel it safe to stay around, really."
"And her sisters?"
"Also pulled."
"I can't even…"
"I know."
"They weren't even that prominent in their support of muggle-borns. Why would – Voldemort – even think to attack them?"
"Would probably send a message, I suspect. The Vances are an old family. Supported muggle-borns at the ministry. I can't imagine Voldemort was happy with that."
"This is absolute –"
"I know."
"They can't get away with this."
"I know."
Lily sat down, stomach sour. "Have others been pulled, too?"
"The Mackenzie twins in Hufflepuff. Ewan MacDonald. Hunter, as well, from what I've heard."
Ewan. That one stung. That explained the small population at dinner. "I don't suspect they'll be the only ones."
"At least for now."
Lily glanced over her shoulder towards the copy of the Prophet that was set on her nightstand, headline damning ('DARK MARK IGNITES PANIC' CALL FOR MINISTRY ACTION). "Have you heard from your brother?"
Marlene shook her head. "I haven't. But mum has. Just a quick note. They've got him assigned to the hit wizards' team. Not sure if they'll be able to track down the ones who did –" she waved her hand towards the paper on Lily's nightstand, "– but here's to hoping."
Lily swallowed hard, dropping her gaze onto her hands, twisted in her lap. "This is…"
"I know."
The two witches fell silent as this news settled between them.
"Do you think you'll owl your mum?" Marlene asked her tentatively.
Lily looked up to catch sight of her friend's concerned look. She shrugged. "I've honestly avoided her telling anything at this point. I didn't want her to worry…"
"Do you think she'd make you go home?"
There was a strong possibility that Rose Evans would make her daughter return home. But what would they do from there? Move somewhere else? She didn't have much family outside of Cokeworth.
"I'm not sure," Lily said honestly. "But I don't want to think about that. I want to stay here."
"I know."
"I can't sit still. I need to… I need to go to something."
"About the attacks?"
Lily almost laughed – almost. "Is there anything I can even do about that? No. But at least I can focus on something to get my mind off of it all."
"Where are you going?"
"I might go check on my potion. Do some extra work. I don't know."
"Do you think that's safe?"
"Marlene."
"No, I know. I know you can take care of yourself… but this is all so…"
"I know."
"Be safe then."
"I'll be back way before curfew. Probably before you're all back from practice."
"You better. Or I'm sending the brigade after you."
"Deal."
As one would expect in the month of February, the halls were cold. Lily was glad she remembered to grab her winter school robes as she began the descent to the dungeons. Here, she knew, she'd be able to shut her mind off. Focus on the methodology of her potion.
She had two cauldrons boiling when a knock sounded at the open door – her heart jumped – and she turned to catch sight of Slughorn at its threshold. She did her best to hide her disappointed expression (in addition to resisting the urge to roll her eyes at herself).
"Might I have a word, Lily?"
"Of course, professor," she said kindly, setting down her knife and dusting off her hands. "Is there something I can help you with?"
"Oh, no," he tutted, coming round to peer into her cauldrons curiously. He nodded to himself, obviously procrastinating. "Do I detect a hint of screechsnap?"
Lily nodded, pleased. "I thought it might help with the aftereffects."
"Clever," Slughorn agreed with a soft smile. "Very, clever, Lily."
He fell quiet for a long moment, eyes focused on the brewing potion. It unsettled her. "Sir?"
"I've no clue how to start," he admitted sadly, finally meeting her gaze. "Best like a bandaid."
"What is it, Professor?"
"It appears that Mr. Carrow has come to me regarding an… altercation that involved you, Mr. Potter, Mr. Black, and Miss Lestrange."
Her heart fell. "Oh, sir, I –"
He waved her off. "I know you, Lily. I know you wouldn't harm anyone, intentionally at least," he said wryly, before slowly sombering. "It appears that Mr. Carrow's family has connections in the Ministry. And they have quite the pull around the Co-Op departments, including the D.E.C.P. and the decisions they make, including apprenticeships and residential programs."
"Sir," she said blankly. "What's this mean?"
"I'm sorry, Lily. They've decided to void the offer of your apprenticeship.
"Void it?" As if it were a throwaway transaction of hers. As if she hadn't spent hours, upon hours working over the cauldron… "But sir, I…"
"No one is more sorrier than I, Lily," Slughorn said. "Truly, dear."
LIly's eyes dropped in front of her, willing back the tears that burned at the corner.
"I know it may not lessen the blow, but you are more than welcome to continue your project here, my dear. I'll continue to support you in whichever way I can."
At the moment, she wanted to toss the damned thing across the floor. She peered down into the low simmering cauldron, a potion settled into a dusty silver hue.
Mr. Potter's artemisa absinthium really had done wonders. Just as he had insisted, the dittany was boiling beautifully, the right temperature achieved. She hadn't had time to get feedback from Wimble, or anyone else really, and that stung.
She thought of Remus. Of the scars and wounds he received countless times over.
"Thank you sir," she said quietly. "I think I'd like to continue working."
"That's brilliant, Lily," he said softly. "I'll continue to guide you in any way I can."
"Thank you, sir," she repeated, a bit numbly.
Slughorn, graciously sensing her emotional state, took his cue and left with one last apologetic smile.
Lily turned back towards the two cauldrons, seriously considering hurling them onto the floor.
So much for the high road, or picking your battles.
She collapsed onto the singular chair in the room, blinking hard against the sting in her eyes. It felt as if the blows wouldn't stop coming. First Emmeline, now the apprenticeship. The small, negative aspect of her psyche that she forcibly kept locked in a box in the back of her mind seemed to pry itself open.
What would be coming next?
Two knocks with an accompanying, "Hey."
The universe had some comedic timing.
Lily quickly turned to wipe away the tears that had escaped. "Oh, hello. What're you doing down here?"
"Thought I'd pay another visit," James said in a sly tone. "Saw you on the map, actually. It's near curfew – what's wrong?"
"Oh, nothing," she insisted, standing up to put her back to him and act as if she were focused on the potions in front of her. "Practice went well, then? That'll put Marlene in a good mood."
She could hear him talking a few tentative steps into the room. "Yeah, but she didn't seem quite there 100%. Has something happened?"
"Emmeline was pulled from school this morning," Lily informed him, using the back of her hand to make sure all traces of her tears were gone. "We didn't get a chance to say goodbye."
He moved closer. "Yeah, I'd heard. That's bloody unfair."
"It is," she agreed, raising her wand to stir one of the cauldrons counter–clockwise.
"I heard others had been pulled as well," he said and she saw him come to stand at her table out of the corner of her eye. "It's a bit mad that this is happening."
"I suppose their families are doing what they think is safest."
James made a noise of solemn agreement. "And your mum? What does she say about all this?"
At this, Lily felt a bit embarrassed. "She doesn't know."
"What?"
She refused to meet his gaze, even if she could feel his eyes burning into the side of her face. "I haven't told her about what's been going on."
"What do you mean? Hasn't she been to Diagon Alley with you? Seen the propaganda, the Daily Prophet?"
"I unsubscribed from the Prophet at home. And we had my things owled from Diagon and other shops."
"Evans," he said sternly, pulling at her elbow to turn her towards him more. "What about your trip to the ministry? The attack?"
Lily continued to avoid his eyes. "She doesn't know. I'd prefer it if she didn't."
"Well, what if you go back? And there's another attack? You don't want her to know you're in danger?"
"I don't have to worry about going back," she said, a bit hollowly.
"What's that mean? Don't have to worry about going back?"
"I lost it."
"You what?"
"Slughorn just told me. Right before you came in, actually. I lost the apprenticeship."
"But how – why would they even do that? Because you were at the ministry?"
"Because of the altercation with Lestrange and Carrow. Carrow's family has connections, apparently."
He scoffed. "I'll tell Slughorn it was all me. You didn't have anything to do with it. I started the fight or that –"
"I think it's too late for that, James."
"I'll owl my dad. He knows wizards at –"
"James."
He stopped short at her tone.
"I appreciate it, I really do. But I don't think they'll go back on their word."
"That's dragon shit," he said bluntly. "You said they were impressed by your potion – that's why they had you go to the ministry in the first place –"
"It's fine, James. I'll be fine. Slughorn will let me continue working on it on my own."
"I'm so sorry, Lily."
She pressed the heel of her hands in her eye sockets, trying to ward off the fresh set of tears that stung at the corners. "I-it's okay," she muttered to the darkness behind her lids. "I suppose I'll still be able to help Remus, at least."
She stuttered when a pair of arms – obviously James's – wrapped around her torso into a hug.
It felt – incredible. Lily buried her face into his chest, glad he couldn't see her face crumple as she gave into the tears. "This just bloody sucks," she croaked reluctantly.
James chuckled, the sound of it deep in his chest, adjusting the placement of his arms so that one fell over her shoulders. "It fucking sucks," he agreed.
She snorted wetly. "Thanks."
"Don't think I won't go to Slughorn," he stated and she could feel the breath of his words against her scalp. "I'm still going to tell him what happened."
She hoped he couldn't feel or hear her heartbeat stuttering. She inhaled deeply, trying to catch her breath. The usual pine smell permeated her nose, accompanied by wind and boy. Through her still–damp eyes, she saw the fabric of his Quidditch jumper. "He knows I wouldn't have done anything to jeopardize this," she said. "On purpose, at least."
He chuckled again.
"Besides," she pointed out, finally pulling away, but not quite yet making eye contact. "With Sirius Black as your only eyewitness, I don't suspect you'll have much sway with Slughorn."
"Oh, nonsense. Slughorn loves us," he disagreed with an overly sincere tone.
Reluctantly, she grinned. "Yeah? Even after forcing the class to evacuate the classroom due to the toxic fumes from your last attempt at the Regerminating Potion?"
He waved her off with a smirk. "Slughorn wanted to end class early. We could all tell."
She chuckled, consciously noting he hadn't fully pulled away yet. "Class had only just started."
"Okay, we wanted class to end early."
Lily rubbed at her eyes to hide her amused smile as she shoved at his arm (Do not think about the muscles there). "My point proven."
He finally stepped back, taking a moment to peer over her work. "How much do you have left tonight? Head to the kitchens on the way back to the tower?"
She glanced over at the two cauldrons, gauging their progress. "Sure, why not. Let me just cast another charm and we can head out."
"Brilliant."
His attention wandered as she tended to her cauldrons, adding an additional ingredient to one of them while adjusting the fire beneath the other, so low you could barely see the flame. She watched him from the corner of her eye mill about, hands in his pockets as he dawdled and scanned over the random phials and jars scattered about the room.
By the time she was ready, she felt somewhat comforted by the fact her face no longer felt red.
"Okay, all set. Shall we?"
"We shall," he confirmed with a grin, holding his open arm out.
With an eye roll and laugh, she accepted it (perhaps a bit too quickly), tucking her hand into the crook of his elbow.
Luckily, as the dungeons weren't too far from the kitchens, their trek wasn't long. However, half–way through, James cleared his throat, opened his mouth to speak, then promptly shut it.
Lily laughed, surprised to find that he had – somehow – managed to lift her mood. "What? What is it?"
"It's nothing."
"Come on."
"No, really. Just my own thoughts."
"Let's hear them, then."
His hand went to his hair, mussing up the curls and he chuckled, nervous. "Well, I – I just have noticed that you've been somewhat… avoiding me. It seemed like. Have you?"
She could pinpoint the irony that this conversation was reminiscent of the one they'd had just before Christmas break. She stuttered out a laugh that was obviously uncomfortable. Like she had before when they'd last spoken, alone, she had a choice here.
She chose to lie, obviously.
"No," she said with another laugh (one she hoped was less awkward), dropping her grip on his arm. "It's just, you know, back to school stuff. Catching up on work."
"Right," he commented calmly. "Like I said. Just seemed like it."
Her chest felt tight again. "Right. You know how it is. Right? With the apprenticeship – not that I have to worry about that much, anyways – and the other classes. God, that Transfiguration essay took me ages. Didn't it for you? No, probably not. And the prefect duties have been kicked up a notch as well." Jesus, she was rambling. She needed to stop. "You know what – I just remembered that I was meant to meet Dorcas to help her with her Muggle Studies. I should probably go see her. Immediately."
"You –"
"She'll be a right cow if I show up any later than I already am," she complained with another breathless laugh. He opened his mouth to respond, but she was already speeding up away from me. "Grab me a pastry? Please? I'll grab it later from you!" she promised, knowing internally she probably would not be retrieving it.
"Sure –"
"Thanks!" she called, picking up her pace. When she rounded the corner, ascended the stairs, she rubbed at her temple roughly. She wanted to smack herself. "What a goddamned idiot, Lily."
If he only suspected she'd been avoiding him before then, it was pretty damn obvious she had been.
She made it to the safety of the girls' dormitory without any further incident.
"Ah," Marlene said, laying on her bed, hair wet. "I was about to go have someone check on you?"
Lily laughed breathlessly, scanning the rest of the dormitory, closing the door behind herself. "You weren't going to yourself?"
"I'm already in my pajamas," she retorted, gesturing towards her snitches and hippogriff printed bottoms. "I'm not going to go traipsing around the corridors in these."
"Thanks," she replied dryly, kicking off her shoes.
"Why's it look like you've just seen a dementor?"
She'd have preferred it. "No reason. Just doing my best to avoid feelings, and confrontations, and any uncomfortable situations – and failing miserably."
Marlene sat up. "What's this mean, then?"
Lily collapsed onto her bed in a clumsy manner, rubbing at her face. "James found me in the dungeons. Practically asked if I'd been avoiding him."
"And… have you?"
She glared at Marlene's teasing grin. "Of course I have, you bint. You know this! I can't handle this! I've got enough to worry about!"
"Alright, alright," Marlene soothed, sliding off of her bed. "Calm down. We've talked about this. You have no obligation to tell him – or anyone else anything you don't want to."
"I don't think I can," she said despondently. "It's like it's festering. I can only keep so many secrets, I think."
Marlene was clearly trying to hide her gleeful look. "Well, then, tell him."
"I can't!" she countered.
"You are absolutely killing me, Lily."
She frowned mournfully. "I'm sorry."
Marlene pinched the bridge of her nose. "No, don't be sorry, Lily. You've got nothing to be sorry for. I get it. What's stopping you from telling him, though?"
"I don't know."
"Are you scared?"
"Maybe."
"Is it the change you're afraid of?"
"Always," she admitted shyly. "I just feel like.. James has always been Potter. That was familiar. Safe."
Marlene smirked.
"What?"
"You think James is safe?"
"Shut it. You know what I mean."
"Sure, I guess."
"He's always been that bloke. What's changed?"
"Your feelings," Marlene said bluntly. "You're obviously a randy teenager and he's a fit bloke."
"Marlene."
"What?" the blonde asked defensively. "It's true. But," she was quick to insert as Lily opened her mouth. "You've also spent more time with him this year. Sure, he can be a bit of a prat. But he's a nice prat."
Lily snorted, crossing her arms.
"Like I said, Lily. You don't have to tell him. But if you want anything to happen, you'll probably have to be the one to make a move."
This, she already suspected as well.
Because Merlin, what if he said No?
Then they'd move on. She'd be a complete dunce and he'd carry on, boastful and egotistical, likely to run off and brag. Lily shook herself. James wasn't like that, she knew now. This was just her subconscious trying to smother her worries by altogether evading them.
"Where's your mind at?" Marlene asked, bumping her shoulder. "I can see you spiraling."
Lily grinned weakly. "Guess I'm not as much of a Gryffindor as I thought."
Marlene squeezed her arm. "We knew that, didn't we?"
She gasped, shoving at the other girl. "Don't be a witch."
The blonde cackled, darting away before Lily could get another shove in.
The door to the dormitory swung open to reveal Dorcas, smiling at the spectacle. "What's going on here?"
"Mar just being a prat, per usual," Lily said, shrugging out of her school cloak. "How are you?"
"Lonely," the older girl admitted, taking Lily's spot once she'd moved to place her robe, tie, and shoes at her trunk. "The dorm's a bit empty without Emmeline there."
The three witches shared a sorrowful look.
"I need to owl her, first thing in the morning," Lily murmured, rolling off her socks. "I can't believe we didn't get a chance to say goodbye…"
The other two made sounds of agreement.
"Dor," Lily said thoughtfully. "Why don't you sleep down here? With Marie and Helena gone, I'm not sure why we didn't have you and Em join us…"
"Us?" Dorcas said slyly with her nose turned up. "Stay in the same dorm as lowly 6th Years?"
"Har, har," Marlene exaggerated, settling into her own bed. "Offer's expiring in sixty seconds."
Dorcas snorted. "Lemme grab my stuff. I can have the house elves move the rest of the stuff. Thanks, Lily."
"Of course," she said, as if this had been the obvious thing to do. "Oh – hey. If anyone happens to ask, you needed help with your Muggle Studies work, yeah?"
The blonde shrugged. "Sure. Only if you swap beds. I prefer the bed closest to the window."
The older witch just barely dodged the barrage of pillows on her way out the door.
