sorry 4 the inactivity, college was being a bitch without remorse and it didn't help me to be motivated to write things in general, and it sucks (I already have to write a lot in college so after doing that there is no willingness to spend more time in the computer writing). Tho I did write this one and I hope its the beginning of the "end" of this story somehow. I quite like what I did in here, so I hope you enjoy it too.
Somehow, normality came back pretty fast, or at least what we thought was normality. A few stuff happened internationally and I really don't feel like detailing them, but everything seemed to be getting stable. Or well, as much stable as it could be having in mind that a criminal organization just assaulted our village, you know, another normal day in the ninja world.
Clearly I wanted to speak to my loved one, but as you can suppose, him being the leader of a village that almost lost his most important political figura, he had more important stuff to do than knowing how I was feeling. Of course I felt ignored, but Yuki insisted that I be patient, that I could go speak to him when the situation required it. When was that going to happen, I had no idea.
Nevertheless, I had something to do before facing all my feelings with my loved one. And that was confessing to Mika the fact that she appeared on my trances with an overwhelming frequency, never telling me something good.
I was very lucky, because I came across her one day when I had to buy things for my house. I didn't know if she was feeling good enough to have a deep conversation with me, but having in mind she showed a huge trust and tranquility the other day, maybe she wouldn't be bothered if I dared to tell her some stuff. According to Yuki, the more I hid this, the worse. So I decided to pay attention to my best friend, he generally knew about these kinds of shit.
"Hi Mika!" I said, probably with more stress than the one I used to give my voice.
She turned to see me, a bit surprised I was talking to her like that.
"Hi Isu…" she responded. "How are you?".
"Fine, I think so" I mentioned. "though a bit bored, to be honest. I already forgot when was the last time we were drafted on a mission".
"True… the normal activities haven't resumed. I would like to be drafted too, I'm tired of wasting my time in this village full of useless assholes".
I wasn't expecting such an open critique to our village, but maybe Mika was feeling even more drained than myself after waking up from my awful trance. I was curious if she had more information on the issue, but I wanted to finish what I came to do, without getting too lost in other conversations.
"But well, we're Jonin, I think we will notice when the activities start again. What were you doing?" she asked, and I was feeling a little weird when watching her being so interested in whatever I had to do.
"I have to do chores… but they aren't urgent. What were you doing?" I reasked her.
"I was about to go see Kuro. I came by one of his brothers, and he told me a visit would do him good. To be honest, I have no idea how the hell he is after what happened… but if he keeps being like this the only thing he will do is fall in a bottomless pit" she said, frankly. "Are you too busy or do you wanna come?" she offered me.
I wasn't expecting that kind of offer, but I haven't seen Kuro after the fateful catastrophe from weeks back, and despite his situation looking awful, he was my friend and I felt I had to support him.
"Well… I guess so. Still…" I stopped myself realizing I wasn't being very expressive with Mika. "I would like to tell you something before. I think… it's something you need to know… mostly after what happened to me in the hospital".
I could see in the eyes of my mate that she was surprised and confused at the same time by the fact that I was proposing that. I didn't know if it was because she wasn't used to hearing this stuff, or maybe she didn't see this coming from me. Either way, she didn't seem intimidated by what I told her. Intimidating Mika Shinobu wasn't at all something a person like me could manage.
"Fine… no idea what it is" she told me honestly. "but if you feel you have to tell me that it must be because it's important. Do you wanna go to the park? I can hear you better there".
"Yeah, I think it's better".
We went to that park in which we tended to hang out with the rest of my friends. It was something weird, I never imagined I was going to be alone in here with Mika, but clearly life was full of casualties. The park wasn't empty, there were a few kids playing with balls and a few groups of adults. But it was definitely more habitable than where we were before, and it was less possible that someone would hear our conversation. Not because it was a state secret, but I didn't want to feel overwhelmed by my own environment. Less when I was gonna talk about this stuff.
We sat on a small bench. She proceeded to look at my face, very seriously, as if she was understanding that we weren't gonna have a casual conversation. I had no idea if her seriousness was helping me or intimidating me, Mika could generate those dilemmas in me pretty easily. Either way, there wasn't any more time for machinations, because she proceeded to talk to me.
"Well. What do you wanna tell me? I imagine it isn't gonna be a love confession, if it was like that the Kazekage will surely be disappointed".
Again, seeing that humorous side of Mika was strange and crushing. I was especially shocked when she talked so easily about my feelings regarding the leader of our village. Obviously, I blushed and I felt uncomfortable, but I didn't allow that to shut me up.
"No! It ain't that…" I mused while avoiding eye contact, and I had no doubt I was looking like an idiot. "It's… something much more disgusting. I think… You know pretty well that when I do genjutsus I get into trances that are… a bit weird".
"Yeah, I know that. It isn't like I've seen you faint twice because of that" she said sarcastically.
"You ain't helping me" I complained.
"Oh… sorry" she answered, watching me a bit surprised and realizing her way of addressing me wasn't being effective. "Well. What 's with them? Aside from the fact they leave you with psychological consequences that I would never want to face".
I was about to tell her that her words still weren't helping me open, though she was definitely right. But I decided to get to the point, once and for all.
"Well… you appeared in them, twice. And not precisely for good stuff. Once you fused with the Shukaku and tried to kill me. And the other time… which was not long ago… well… you offered me to eat Yuki's jaw, as if that stopped my suffering".
I noticed my depiction had left her shocked, and I wasn't surprised at all. Though I imagined she was used to violent and crude situations, maybe she wasn't expecting that from me, who knows. Finally, she looked at me, and she seemed to finish processing what I just told her.
"Shit…" was the first thing her vocal chords could manage after such words. "Are you okay?"
"I don't know, sometimes I think I am, some other no. It depends how I'm feeling" I confessed honestly, in an awful attempt to give less importance to what I just said.
"You told me that Yuki always listens to every detail of your trances, doesn't he?" she asked me.
"Yes".
"God. How does that moron pretend he is fine?"
"I think he is used to it" I said.
Then a short silence came, since Mika was still processing that interpretation I had of her.
"Well… first, I want you to know that I will never kill you. As unstable and exaggerated as you are… unless one day you betray me and get against me… though I believe you have your loyalties very clear, so that won't happen. But I'd never try something like that… you're my friend and I think I have enough appreciation for you to not hurt you".
"Thanks…" I said, feeling a bit touched, though her way of expressing her care for me wasn't at all conventional. But I wasn't gonna force her to talk like I did, that wasn't the idea at all.
"Second. I think I can understand why you subconsciously see me like that. I mean… I'm not precisely the most warm person and it isn't like the environment I grew up in helped me appreciate human life. I think I came to a point in my life that I already lost count of how many people I've killed". she told me, not feeling especially proud.
"Something similar happened to him," I said, referring to Gaara. "I mean, regarding killing people".
"Having in mind what you told us about him, it's no shock"
"I… think that you appear with him, because when you don't doubt about killing, it reminds me of him when the Shukaku possessed him, and he only wanted to kill people".
"It would make sense" she said coldly. "And he looks pretty sane now, that boy probably grew up in a place that's worse than my home. Though now… his beast has been taken away".
"Yeah, I know. I have no idea what will happen with that" I said, doubtful mostly because of the strong ambivalence that the raccoon had always given me regarding the identity of the boy I liked.
"I don't know either. Enough he is alive after it got taken. He shouldn't be standing".
I didn't like hearing those words from Mika, but I didn't complain to her, since she was right.
"I don't like when you appear there. I would like it if someone I don't know came and hit me, it's awful seeing people I love in their worst state" I confessed, a bit hurt regarding that fact.
"Yes… I have no doubt it must be awful. Maybe you should be a bit more careful when you use your genjutsus. Like… try to find a way to counter the trances. Maybe you can't avoid them, but instead of submitting to everything that happens, try to fight that. At the end of the day, it's your own head that traps you. And you know it better than all of us".
My friend was extremely right, and I appreciated that kind of advice kindly.
"I… never thought about that".
"Sometimes even the most basic stuff escapes from our heads. My mother always says that recognizing you have a problem is the first step to start treating it. I don't wanna agree with her, but she gets emotions much better than I, sadly" she complained.
I wasn't expecting that kind of information from her family life, because it wasn't something that Mika said lightly. It could be a way of showing me her trust, but reality was that I had no idea. What I did know was that I wasn't intimidated by Mika, at least I had managed to progress regarding that fact.
"Thanks for listening" was the only thing I could say to her.
"You're welcome, that's what friends are for, I guess" she mused seriously. "I ain't the best to keep them, but I think I do what I can so they don't hate me… I think. And there is other thing I'd like to tell you, Isu".
"What?" I asked.
"If someday you doubt me again, or have some kind of trouble with your trances, you can tell me. Even if its awful shit, I'd rather have you being honest than being scared. Believe me, you and the guys are more important to me than it seems…" she mused, trying to make less of the situation, and gazing towards the horizon.
Those words were possibly the sweetest things I had heard in the last few days, so I, somehow, couldn't contain my emotions and embraced my friend. A few weeks ago I myself would have stopped me at that time, complaining to myself for doing something as unconscious as that. Either way, I did not care.
"Thank you" I said, feeling very touched.
"Is this… necessary?" she asked me, a bit stiffed by the fact that our bodies were that close, and deciding if she was gonna correspond with me with affection or not.
"Didn't Hana ever hug you?"
"A few times… but I don't let her do it too much. It's not precisely what I like the most".
"Well, you won't like everything that happens in your life" I said, returning her dose of sarcasm.
"Clearly not" she hissed, but corresponding my hug a bit.
Considering her apprehension towards physical contact (and mine too) it didn't take me long to stay away and let her body be free. Not long after, she proceeded to stand, and she stared at me.
"Well. Shall we go to Kuro's or not?"
"Let's go" I answered, smiling at her.
We proceeded to walk to our friend's house. I think I didn't remember ever going in there, and I didn't know his family. My individual relationship with Kuro wasn't as deep in and out itself, but I felt like I had enough attachment to accompany him in the duel. Though that wasn't something I was very good at doing, being honest, as frequent as death was in my work field.
Mika knocked on the door of our friend's house. A man that looked like an adult Kuro opened us, he was a man with short wavy hair, with a furrowed expression and squarish factions. His skin was so clear that it seemed as if he lacked nutrition, and his eyes had intensely violet bags.
"Good morning Mr. Saki" Mika greeted him, who looked less surprised than me regarding the half-dead appearance of the man. "We come to visit Kuro, my friend Hana told you I will come".
"Oh, true. Good morning Mika" he mused, trying to show interest because we were visiting his son, but failing miserably. "And you are?" he said, referring to me.
"Isu Dare" I told him. "I'm Kuro's friend, my team has worked with him a lot".
"Are you in the team of that kid with white hair?"
"Yes…" I whispered, not understanding what that question was aiming, knowing it referred to Yuki.
"Is he here?"
"No" I answered, not being very satisfied with my monosyllable affirmations.
"Well, tell him to not be a coward. I saw him trying to get here, and the moment someone catches him he runs away like a rabbit".
I wasn't expecting Kuro's father to reveal that information from my best friend, information that Yuki didn't tell me. But I would complain about that later, now I had to focus on my unstable friend.
"Can we get in, Mr. Saki?" Mika dared to interrupt.
"You know you can call me Fukai, it's not necessary to be that formal with me Mika" he said, suddenly speaking nicely. "Yes, you can get in. It would really help him see you, though I doubt a visit will convince him to stop crying" he complained, and his tone told that he seemed pretty tired of the situation he was describing, and he allowed us in. "If you need something, please ask. Kuro is in his room".
Mika started guiding me towards the room of our friends, and I swore I heard a sound coming from mister Fukai, something that alluded to sobbing and being a woman. I decided to leave that out of my head and to focus on what I wanted to do. Mika went through the house, one that wasn't very different from mine, but its decoration was more mournful and shy. I noticed a small altar in the corner of what seemed to be the dining room, with several candles lit, and the photo of another boy with very short hair. I noticed the boy was smiling, something that seemed impossible to relate to Kuro. I got sad when I realized I hadn't seen him ever in my life, and that he was gone.
Mike knocked on the door of the room I assumed was Kuro's. Nothing could be heard for a few seconds, so Mika knocked the door again and decided to make herself present with her voice.
"Kuro it 's me, Mika. I've come with Isu. Can we come?"
We did not have an immediate response, and when we listened to it, it sounded like a voice that had no percentage of life in its tone.
"Get in" he complained.
We obeyed. We got in a room that wasn't very small, but it seemed pretty stacked up, despite its windows being open. There was a very messy bed, where the bedspread was a ball, and the rest of the sheets were all over the place. I swore the mattress had color stains that weren't supposed to be there, but I didn't focus on that. Beside that bed, there was a library very crammed with books and what seemed to be magazines, most of them all over the floor. The floor was also full of napkins, which I supposed were because of his crying.
Our friend was sitting on a table, which seemed to be his desk. He was with his gaze lost, looking towards the window on his left, he had even bigger eyebags than his father and very messy hair. His clothes didn't favor him either, he had very ragged gray pants and a white t-shirt that was a bit tight. I felt a bit guilty watching him like this, I even felt I was seeing something I wasn't supposed to see. However, he wasn't crying, so that relaxed me a bit.
We proceeded to get in, while I felt I was getting into restricted areas. Mika, nevertheless, didn't seem as shocked as I was when facing that situation.
"Hi Kuro" was the first thing my friend told him, "How are you?"
"You don't wanna know" the boy answered, with a very hoarse voice.
"Yes, I do, that's why I came here" said Mika, getting firm.
"I'm not okay, asshole," he complained. "Isn't it obvious?"
"Hey… there is no need to get like that" Mika told him.
"It isn't like there is any other way to feel. If i get happy, it's obvious that death is gonna be waiting on me so the same thing happens to Hairo".
I supposed that Hairo was his dead brother. I noticed in Mika's eyes that this whole situation was exasperating her, but at the same time she was trying her best to not get at Kuro. She clearly knew that was an awful idea.
"Hi Kuro" I decided to intervene, noticing she was gonna need my help.
"Hi Isu" he said, looking straight at me with a less anguished expression. "I wasn't expecting you here. Can you please close the door?"
I obeyed, though I hoped that this wasn't telling me that Kuro thought about doing something disturbing with us. I stayed alert while I touched the wood, just in case.
I didn't know what to tell him after that. I wanted to ask him how he was, but I didn't want him to answer me as he had answered Mika. I felt like clearly my friend hadn't come here only to feel pity, or well, in general she wasn't a person that felt pity, not even for the most helpless. Even less with Kuro, someone she knew quite well. I noticed she was about to say something, but Kuro saw that coming.
"How are you, Isu? I heard you went to the hospital".
"Yeah, I got out less than two weeks ago".
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I think so. I think I would feel better if they drafted me, because I'm tired of being inactive" I told him honestly, hoping that my words had some effect on the evident sedentarism of the boy. "But well, I guess I just have to wait".
"Being inactive cures me" he confessed.
"That's not true, it damages you" said Mika.
"You don't know that!" he shouted to his teammate. "If I don't die surely the moment I go out anything else will damage me! Don't you see it's better if I'm here?"
"If you spend the rest of your life here you're only gonna suffer and think that doing stuff is worthless" Mika hissed, with very low patience towards anything Kuro had to tell her.
"As if you enjoyed your shitty life, full of blood and death! You never fucking smile and the only thing you do is complain about evil without changing it!" he screamed, now being very pissed.
The moment he said that, I knew something bad would happen. I prayed for his health, but clearly I didn't have enough reflexes to prevent anything that happened to Kuro.
Immediately Mika got close to Kuro. I noticed how she grabbed his jaw, and for a second I had a weird flashback that sparked a weird instinct, but my body didn't seem to move. I was just left to listen and hope that nothing awful would happen.
"Don't play that shitty card on me" the girl hissed, and I even swore she was about to spit in his eyes. "I get that you're sad and that you think everything sucks, but I won't feel any pity for you if you keep crying like an asshole. I'm not gonna feed your stupid grieves, I'm not gonna justify you staying here like a parasite. And if you tell me something like that again, I'm gonna hit you".
"Aren't you gonna break my fucking face?" Kuro dared say between the hands of the girl "You always loved threatening me…" the boy was about to keep speaking, but Mika tightened her grip more. "AAAH! PLEASE, LEAVE ME!"
Mika obeyed, and let him go.
"You never change" he said, and proceeded to smile at her.
Mika didn't answer, she didn't even dare to look the boy in the face. If she seemed drained before, now she was on the verge of collapsing. I decided to let her be, and I proceeded to face the boy.
"I don't know why she makes me scream" he smiled, very falsely. "She is gonna make my father get in here and get mad at me because I'm a crybaby. And he doesn't know that's not the only reason why he wants me to be a woman".
"Uh?" I asked, confirming my suspicions regarding what Fukai was murmuring. "Why do you say that?"
"He doesn't want to recognize I'm not like he wants me to be. It's ironic, fathers always get mad because they have daughters instead of sons. But I'm so unlucky that the other thing happens to me. I'm sure that never happened to Hairo, because like that, and in death he had a better life than I" he said, proceeding to look outside.
The only conclusion I came to was that that confined grieving was generating problems for Kuro. It's not that it bothered me seeing him expressing his conflicts, but he was being even more pessimistic than he usually was and he was facing lots of frustrations. The big issue was I didn't know him that well, so I had no idea which was the best way to treat him.
"Your father told me that Yuki was around here" was the only thing I managed to tell him "I think he wants to see you".
"Really?" he asked surprised, for the first time in the day.
"It seems so. I haven't talked to him about you. But your father told me he was here and didn't dare to come in".
"That's because… I told him to fuck off" he confessed suddenly.
"Why?" I exclaimed, not understanding where that was coming from.
"He came to visit me the moment he knew about the news. But he caught me crying and I thought he was gonna bother me, and I told him to get his stupid mongoloid face of my view".
I knew Kuro could get exasperated, but I didn't picture him being that cruel with Yuki. Usually it was Yuki the one that was mean with people around him, but only when the situation wasn't dire and there was no possibility of hurting real sensitivities. I was interested in how Yuki reacted to that aggressiveness coming from Kuro. But I knew that it was more intelligent to ask that directly to my friend.
Suddenly, a strange idea crossed my head.
"Do you wanna see him?"
"It wouldn't be bad… if he promises me to not insult me" he said innocently.
"I can convince him to come. With one condition".
The fact that I was mentioning conditions caught Mika's attention.
"Which one?" continued the boy.
"If you promise me that in less than two weeks you'll go back to do missions with the girls. And when he comes please at least wear something decent, you don't want him to see you like that".
"Hey! I dress up how I want!" he complained. "And you can't force me to stop being sad and to go back to normal like that! That's not how my head works!"
"Mine doesn't work like that either. I ain't telling you to stop thinking about what happened to you brother, just do not stay with that only and keep living" I mentioned honestly "It's what he would have wanted".
I worried I was being a bit cheap with that phrase, but it seems it made him think about him a bit.
"Hairo and I… had a weird relationship. He bothered me a lot… but wasn't mean spirited. Thing is I got offended by everything and that's why I treated him like shit…" he mused with sadness, again looking outside "but he didn't want to see me suffer. Really I was the one that made him suffer more" Kuro cried.
I noticed how he got absorbed in his tears, but without making the typical tantrum that he did when his ego was touched. It was like a fragile cry, honest and even a bit sweet in his sadness. I've never met Hairo, but I hoped that wherever his soul was, it could perceive the sweetness in his younger brother, as much as he tried to hide it.
I got close to Kuro and I put my hand on his shoulder. Surprisingly the moment I did that, he hugged me and he buried his head in my shoulder, to cry more. I was a bit surprised by such an honest gesture from him, but I left him be. He needed it, a lot.
Mika looked at me from where she was. She didn't have any expression, probably because after everything that had happened today she was convinced I was some kind of expert hugger or something like that. Nothing more far from reality, but well, I wasn't gonna reject a person that was opening to me like that.
Kuro got away from me, and proceeded to smile at me.
"You're too good, Isu. If the asshole of our leader doesn't go looking for you to carry you in his arms, I have no idea what he is doing".
"You don't need to mention that" I said, feeling a bit red.
"Sorry" he mentioned, a bit repressed "And thanks… I think… I'll pay attention to what you say. It's not worth staying here much longer. I get bored sometimes, it's very monotonous to be locked this much".
I smiled at him a bit, showing my thanks. The second after that, Mika got close to his teammate, and she proceeded to face him directly.
"Sorry for being cruel. I don't want you to drown in a glass of water. You did it lots of times… I wouldn't want you to do it again".
"Relax Mika" he smiled at her. "I'm very used to your cruelty. If you stopped being like that I would be even more scared than when you scare me".
Mika surprisingly smiled a bit. A picture I think I'd never see, but clearly there was kindness in a soul like hers.
Kuro shared a brief hug with his mate. She corresponded with it, despite it not even lasting five seconds. It probably was more than enough for their friendship. It was pretty nice to see such honest gestures from the two of them. It made me feel like I was surrounded by human people.
I didn't want to cut the momentum off, but I remembered that the purpose why I had gone out wasn't to be with my friends, it was to buy things for my house. So, I had to say goodbye.
"Well guys. I have things to do. See you around. I'll talk to Yuki so he comes here" I told Kuro "Bye".
"Bye" the two of them responded
I went out of the house, with a weird tranquility that accompanied me so much that, in the following hours, I never even thought about that tiny possibility of indifference that tormented me so much at night.
