"Nicky…" Red's voice comes out heavy, as if she had been carrying the weight of the conversation long before now. She wiped a rag across the counter, scrubbing unnecessarily hard at a water spot. "You were doing so well. Why would you do this?"
The disappointment dripped from her words like water from the rag she was squeezing out. Nicky could barely stand to stay there and listen for any longer, but her feet stayed firmly where they were, concrete blocks holding her down. Gravity seemed to be stronger at that moment to Nicky; her whole body wanted to sink to the ground. She was fighting to simply keep her eyes open, and she hadn't even taken anything.
Yet.
"I didn't technically do anything." Nicky's eyes were trained on the ground. "Joel took it before I got the chance."
"You scored," Red said accusingly. "That's enough. That's more than enough."
Nicky's head snapped up. "How do you cope with seeing your best friend half-dead? How do you go on after life keeps screwing you over without a little help, huh?" Her voice lost its edge and broke. "I'd love to know, Red. Because I keep fucking it up, and I don't know how to stop."
"You just do," Red snapped back, sitting down on a stool at the counter. "Because the alternative is that you don't. And that's no alternative at all."
Nicky looked at Red, all the fight drained from her. Her voice was quiet when she finally spoke. "I didn't take any. Isn't that enough?"
"Good," Red said, and she sounded as if she really meant it. If she didn't feel so hungover, Nicky might have felt proud.
"I don't really want to take any."
Red nodded. "That's really good."
"I mean, I do. I really, really do. But I don't." Nicky kicked the floor, her head spinning.
"I know," Red said, her voice soft. "I just don't understand why you keep doing this to yourself, Nicky. I don't know how to help you. I…I just want to understand, okay? Hasn't seeing Alex like that taught you a lesson?"
Nicky frowned. "Alex wasn't on drugs."
Red wasn't going to speak ill of Alex, especially when she was so unwell, but she wasn't impressed. Selling drugs was as bad as taking them. Worse, somehow. Red pressed her lips together. It would have only fallen on deaf ears, anyway.
"No," Red agreed, leaning against the counter. "But she wasn't keeping on the straight and narrow, was she? When you think about scoring again, think about her, and where she is right now."
"I can't stop thinking about her," Nicky admitted tearfully. "Because…I know everyone wishes it was me," she mumbled.
"What was?" Red asked, running a rag over the counter as she looked at Nicky, a quizzical look crossing her features. She plunged her hand into the overflowing cardboard box on the counter and pulled out some receipts. Paperwork didn't care about personal problems. Bills had a deadline and God knew she was drowning in them.
Nicky wouldn't meet her eye. "You know. Alex."
Red frowned, pushing her glasses up to rest on the top of her head so she could get a good look at her girl. "Nicky, I don't follow."
Piper blinked under the harsh fluorescent light. A little groan escaped from her as she sat up, her back cracking as she straightened. "Ugh," she said, blinking up at the ceiling. "Where am I?"
"It's okay," Diane's voice came from the other side of the room. "You fell asleep. I didn't want to wake you up."
"Sorry," Piper murmured, rubbing her eyes. Her gaze fell to Alex, still sedated, her chest rising and falling. Reality came crashing down on her like a ton of bricks and she stared at Alex, all bandaged up.
"Don't be," Diane said. "I think she can sense you're here, you know. The machines haven't been beeping as much."
Piper looked up. Her hand was still laced in Alex's, their fingers tangled up together. "I hope so."
"I know so." Diane gathered herself up. "Can you stay here for a minute whilst I go to the bathroom? I've been putting it off for hours...didn't want to leave her alone. But she's okay with you."
Piper nodded. "I'll have to go when you get back, though," she admitted reluctantly. "My parents will be expecting me back."
"I won't be long," Diane said, squeezing Piper's shoulder as she left the room.
Piper waited until she left and then leaned over Alex's bed. "After this," she whispered, closing her eyes, "I'll hold your hand. I'll kiss you in front of everyone. I promise. And I'm so, so sorry I didn't do it before." She blinked as tears blurred in her eyes. "I should have. I should have been proud to. And I will be...if you just wake up from this." Piper let out a shaky breath.
For a moment, she let herself cry. She hadn't cried much since it happened. She wondered if it was shock, or if she was just a terrible person. But when it started, she couldn't seem to turn it off.
"Hey, it's okay," Diane said, coming back into the room. She touched Piper's back, her hand gentle. "She'll get through this. Dry your eyes." She passed Piper a paper towel.
"I don't want to leave her," Piper admitted, pressing her face against Alex's hand. Tears dripped onto Alex's skin and she gently brushed it away, trying to avoid the IV lines and wires attached to her.
"She'll be okay until you get back," Diane said. "But come back, okay? She'll be expecting you."
Piper gave a small nod, squeezing Alex's fingers. "Always."
Nicky paced the floor, unable to stay still.
"Everyone wishes that I had been the one who got hurt, not Alex. I mean, I would have deserved it, right? I'm always getting myself into trouble. But Alex…"
Red held onto the counter as Nicky's words sunk in. It was one of those moments where the world went quiet; in that moment, it was just her and Nicky. She took her glasses off and set them on the counter, running a manicured hand through her hair. For a moment, she stared at her girl, unable to form any words at all. She felt sick to her stomach.
"Nicky," Red said, aghast. "No-one thinks that. No-one."
Nicky looked up but wouldn't meet Red's eye. She pawed at her pale cheeks as a few stray tears dared to fall.
"I mean, I wouldn't blame them. I think it."
"Oh, Nicky…" Red pushed the paperwork to the side and immediately went round to the front of the counter where Nicky sat. By now, the tears had won the battle and poured down Nicky's cheeks freely. She fell into Red's arms, and Red enveloped the sobbing girl close. Paperwork could wait. Anything could wait right now. A distraught teenager definitely could not.
She patted Nicky's eyes dry, then held her close for a moment. After a while of sitting in silence, Red's thoughts whirring and Nicky saying nothing, Red continued. "You should have told me. You know you can tell me anything. Don't you? Why didn't you tell me you felt like that?"
Nicky wiped her cheeks. She shrugged but said nothing.
"You don't have to feel like this, Nicky. We could-"
Nicky let out a little laugh. As quickly as she'd opened up, she'd closed again. Snapped shut like a clam shell.
"You sound like Marka when she's talking her therapist speak." She checked her phone. "Shit, speaking of Marka, I've got to go. I've got a lunch date with her and if I miss another one this week, she's not going to be happy. I've already missed two. Let me tell you, when she told me she had waited at that restaurant for two hours, I couldn't help laughing."
Nicky grinned at Red, a smile that if you looked hard enough, was too big to be genuine. Her eyes hadn't even dried yet. Tears stained her cheeks.
Red was looking hard enough. On one hand, she couldn't ask Nicky to bail on her mother. On the other, it felt entirely wrong to let such a fragile kid back into the world without at least addressing the troubling thoughts she'd let out.
"She won't mind if you're a little late," Red said, trying to keep her voice even. Inside, she wanted to sob. Who wouldn't, hearing a teenager say such an awful thing about herself? "You're upset. Don't leave like this."
Nicky shrugged off her concern with another cheeky grin. "I told Luschek I'd be fucked if he let me mix vodka with rum, and here we are. It's just the hangover talking. And you know what cures a hangover?" Nicky mimed drinking with her hand.
"Nicky, be serious."
"I am," Nicky said, giving Red a little nod as she flew out the door. "Seriously, Red. Don't worry about me. Worry about something that matters, eh?"
Piper stepped out of the hospital and into the fresh air. She breathed it in, tilting her face toward the sky. It was raining, but barely. The kind of rain that didn't even feel like drops, just a mist in the air. It was refreshing. Her dad had said to call when she was ready to be picked up, but she hadn't. There were things she had to do - things she had to fix - before Alex woke up. Because she would, and she would be fine, in time. And when that time came, Piper wanted everything to be okay. If it wasn't okay, it wasn't the end. And by God, she knew one thing for sure - she wanted this whole mess to end.
She fumbled in her pocket and pulled out her cell. With bleary eyes, she found the number she was looking for and held it up to her ear. The ringing in her ear seemed to last a lifetime.
"Piper, why are you calling me?"
"Because I need to tell you something." Piper gripped the phone tightly.
"I'm not sure I want to hear it. I heard enough about what happened over the weekend."
Piper prickled. Why didn't she ask about Alex, then? Didn't she care? She wanted to ask, but stopped herself.
"Taystee, please."
There was a sigh from the other end before Taystee agreed. "Fine. What?"
"Don't go to work today."
"What? Why? I can't just skip my shift. Storky's is getting real fucking hard on people who-"
"Not Storky's," Piper interrupted. "In fact, stay after work at Storky's. Make sure people see you there. Just don't go anywhere near Vee."
Taystee paused. "Why?"
"It's better you don't know."
"You know what you're getting yourself into?" Taystee asked after a beat.
Piper let out a long sigh. "I know what I'm getting all of us out of."
Piper rapped on Joel's front door, looking up and down the street impatiently as she waited for him to answer.
He answered, looking surprised to see her, and stepped aside to let her in. "Oh. I didn't expect to see you this soon," he said honestly. "How's Alex?"
Piper stepped inside, wiping her feet roughly on the mat by the door. "She has a bullet hole in her chest," she said as she shrugged off her coat and handed it to Joel. He took it, threw it over the back of the couch with the others, and sat down again.
Upon seeing Nicky on the couch, she sat down beside her. Luschek followed her inside, shutting the door behind her.
"What did you do with the gun?" Piper demanded, looking at Joel.
"He got rid of it, obviously," Nicky said, cursing as her phone rang - again. "Red, listen, I'll call you later."
There was a pause as she listened.
"Yeah, of course I'm at the restaurant. Where else would I be?"
Piper looked at Luschek, gesturing a gun with her fingers. Where is it? She mouthed.
He frowned at her, not catching on. One word? He mouthed, as if they were playing a twisted game of charades.
Nicky huffed. "What? No, you can't speak to Marka. She's in the bathroom….I don't know, maybe that's how she stays skinny…yeah, that was a terrible thing to say about my mother, I know. Okay, Red. I've gotta go. Okay. Bye."
Nicky puffed out her cheeks.
Piper glared at her. "Finished yet?"
"No, I've just got to call my Mom and Dad and therapist, oh and also…no, wait, Red's about the only one who actually cares, so yeah, I am done."
Piper didn't have time to argue. "Joel, what did you do with the gun?"
Joel looked at Nicky and then back at Piper. "It's in the bread bin in the kitchen."
"Not in the library with Peacock?" Nicky asked, leaning back against the couch.
"Seriously Joel, where is it?" Piper pressed on. "I don't have time for screwing around right now."
Joel nodded toward the kitchen. "I already told you."
"You're joking," Nicky said. "You've got to be joking."
Piper didn't wait for a response. She went into the kitchen and delved into the bread bin, a dish towel over her hand. She fished it out and laid it out on the counter. She shook as she looked at it, her whole body trembling. Images flashed in her head - Alex on the floor. Blood absolutely everywhere. Warm, wet, sticky. She swore she could still feel it between her fingers. Smell it in the air, the metallic, sharp tang filling her senses. But she couldn't let it overwhelm her. She had too much to do; falling apart would have to wait.
Joel couldn't bring himself to look at it at all. Nicky couldn't take her eyes off it.
"I can't believe you put it in your bread bin," Nicky said. "Why the fuck would you keep it?"
"I had to put it somewhere! I didn't want Suzanne getting her hands on it again, and I couldn't exactly leave it, could I? What would the police say? Her fingerprints were all over it too." He nodded toward Piper.
Piper lifted the gun. Methodically and with extreme caution, she cleaned it off. Joel and Nicky watched, enthralled. She cleaned it with the same vigour as Miss Claudette at Thanksgiving with the silverware. Every inch of it, she polished.
"I need to take this," Piper said finally.
"You're not going to hear any objections from me," Joel said, raising his eyebrows. "Every time my mom goes into the kitchen I almost have a heart attack."
Nicky sat up. "What are you doing with it?"
"Why do you care?"
Nicky frowned. "I'm not your biggest fan, Blondie, but I don't want you getting killed or anything."
"I'm touched," Piper said, rolling her eyes. "But I'm a bit busy to spend time getting your permission."
"What about my help?"
"Help?" Piper asked. "Nicky, you're a liability. You don't help me or Alex. She helps you."
Nicky stared at Piper, liability ringing in her ears. Joel looked between the two girls.
"Let's not get catty," he said awkwardly, making a little rawr noise in a futile attempt at a joke.
"No, it's fine," Nicky said. "You do you. Luschek, I'll see you later."
"Nicky, wait-" Joel said, before being cut off by the slam of the front door. He turned to Piper. "You sure you know what you're doing?"
Piper slipped the gun into her purse and shrugged. "Well, there's only one way to find out, right?"
A/N: Hi lovelies! I don't expect many people are still reading but to those who are, thank you for sticking with me. Sorry I've been gone so long. Started a new job, got obsessed with the new Taylor Swift album and also am in the middle of NaNoWriMo.
Hope you're all well.
Star xoxo
