Harry: …and then he just showed me him being a dick to Voldemort *thundercrack* as a kid, which tells me nothing.
Ron: Or maybe, it told you everything.
Harry: I suppose it tells me why he's evil, but how is that helpful?
Hermione: Though it can't hurt to learn about his backstory, can it?
Harry: Maybe not, but it feels like it's just padding out the book for nothing.
Ron: Maybe there'll be a big pay-off at the end, like someone important dying?
Harry: *looking at Ron* Do I dare to hope?
Sprout: HEY! You're meant to be learning, not talking.
Harry: How often do we even use this subject?
Sprout: You should use it more, you're behind Longbottom *points at Neville holding a Snargaluff pod*
Harry: …shit, we really need to get to work.
Hermione: By the way, did I mention that Professor Slughorn had Gwenog Jones of the Holyhead Harpies as a guest speaker at last night's dinner?
Ron: Who cares? They sound stupid.
Hermione: They're actually not as bad as you think. By the way Harry, I checked your schedule so that Slughorn could have you at his Christmas party.
Harry: Aww, do I have to?
Ron: Yeah, why would he want to go somewhere without me?
Harry: …I'll need a moment to think about this.
Ron: Oh no, Hermione's manipulating you. Don't worry Harry, I won't let her touch you with her evil influence.
Harry: A lot of big words in there for you.
Hermione: Evil? You know I'm his friend.
Ron: Oh yeah? Then why are you trying to make him do something he doesn't want to do?
Hermione: Oh, like you can talk, always fondling Harry when he clearly hates it.
Harry: You know about that, and yet do nothing to stop him, like he's doing right now.
Ron: Quiet Harry, I'm defending your honour. Anyway, how would you like it if I…
Sprout: I told you to work, and I mean it *sits a Venomous Tentacular next to them* If they say another word, you know what to do *leaves*
Ron: But I was just… *suddenly looks surprised* Hey, that spot's reserved for Harry.
*later, after Transfiguration*
Harry: Hey, Dean, can I talk to you?
Dean: Uh, sure? Though I'm questioning why, given that almost every time you speak, you're being an asshole.
Harry: Fair point. But in this case, I just want to ask you something.
Dean: Let me guess: you want to know why there's black people in Britain?
Harry: What? No. Look, you've probably already heard Katie's in St. Mungo's, and probably won't be back for the first game, so I need a new Chaser. Would you be interested?
Dean: Huh…okay, I'll do it. But why me? I didn't even try out.
Harry: Because…you know…
Dean: *eyes narrowing* No, I don't. Please explain it.
Harry: Well, you know, when you look at a lot of top athletes, especially in America's Big 4 sports, they have your…physique…
Dean: Meaning what?
Harry: They're…you know…
Dean: Black?
Harry: You said it, not me.
Dean: *glaring* You know what? I'll still do it, since sportspeople tend to get laid more than most, and I'm hoping the Patil twins are willing to share me…
Harry: Didn't Ginny say she was dating you too?
Dean: There's difference between dating and fucking, and what the Patil twins and me are doing is squarely in the latter *picks up his stuff to leave* By the way, you're still an asshole *leaves*
Harry: Yeah, that's fair.
*after practice that night*
Harry: Okay, good work everyone.
Ron: Even me?
Harry: Err…sure.
Dean: Come on man, be honest with him.
Harry: I mean, you did fine…except for letting through three quarters of the goals…and falling off your broom…twice…and punching Demelza while you were disoriented from the second fall…and then there was…
Dean: I think he gets it Harry.
Demelza: I'm pretty sure my nose is broken.
Ginny: I can break more than that if you want.
Harry: Don't do that, I don't have time to replace another player.
*later*
Ron: You know, it doesn't really matter if we win or lose our first Quidditch match against Slytherin this year…
Harry: It does. It really does.
Ron: …just as long as we have fu… *turns into a corridor to see Dean and Ginny making out* …oh, hi, didn't see you there.
Harry: It's almost like they wanted to be seen, in a public hallway that they knew the rest of the Gryffindor Team would have to go past…hmm…
Dean: Oh, sorry Ron, I know she's your sister and all…
Ron: Eh, she's her own person, she can do what she wants.
Dean: Oh, okay, glad to see you're cool with it.
Ginny: Hey, get back over here and help me make Harry jealous.
Dean: Do what? *Ginny starts kissing him again*
Ginny: *coming up for air* I bet that makes you real mad.
Harry: Not really *starts walking past them*
Ginny: Damn it, I can't be bothered unsexing another guy…
Dean: Say what?
Ginny: Hush *pulls out a blowgun and blows a dart into Harry's neck*
Harry: Huh, why do I feel mildly jealous now? Oh well *continues on his way*
Ginny: Well, it's a start.
Dean: Do I want to know what's going on?
Ginny: Don't ask questions, or I'll do to you what I did to Neville *leaves*
Dean: …what the fuck did I get myself into? Eh, it's probably fine. Plus, I might get to bang a redhead at the end of it.
*that night*
Harry: What am I going to do about Ron? I haven't got time to find a new Keeper, and Ron really sucks…
Ron: Speaking of sucking…
Harry: HEY! No interrupting my soliloquy. Now, what do I… *sees the title of the chapter* AH HA! I know what to do.
Ron: Is it me?
Harry: For the last time, NO!
*the next morning*
Hermione: Come on Ron, you need to have something for breakfast.
Ron: But I don't wanna.
Harry: *being suspicious* Here, have some pumpkin juice.
Hermione: Why, that's very nice of you HarWHAT IS THAT IN YOUR HAND?!
Harry: *hiding a bottle* Nothing.
Hermione: Harry, did you just…
Harry: Come on Ron, drink up. You're our LUCKY charm.
Hermione: Oh for Christ's sake, that's not even subtle. Ron, don't drink that.
Ron: *with an empty cup* Don't drink what?
Hermione: God damn it *leaves*
Ginny: Harry, Slytherin have two players out, one of which is Malfoy.
Harry: Wow, that's FORTUNATE, right Ron?
Ginny: To be fair, the other one was my fault, but he deserved it because I was bored and he was nearby.
Harry: What a BLESSING, eh Ron?
Ron: Even I think you're pushing it, now.
Lavender: Good luck today, Ron.
Ron: Huh…why has she been like that lately?
Ginny: Maybe she likes you?
Harry: But why?
Ron: Maybe Ginny meant she likes you.
Ginny: YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW!
*in the match*
Zacharias: And welcome to the first Quidditch match of the year. I'm your new commentator, Zacharias Smith. Why we even need a commentator at a school sporting event is a mystery to everyone, but Dumbledore told me to do this, so here I am. Now, after the shitty performance Weasley gave last year, I'm surprised…WHAT THE HELL?! I'M ON FIRE!
Harry: Ginny, I'm pretty sure he was talking about Ron.
Ginny: Oops.
Harry: …you're not going to put him out, are you?
Ginny: We both know the answer to that *flies away*
Zacharias: *dripping wet* Well, now that I'm wet…
Harry: *from far away* PHRASING!
Zacharias: …time to see how Weasley goes as Keeper. Urquhart shoots, and…HE SCOR…oops, sorry, Weasley saved it. Not used to saying that. Nor will I get used to it.
Harry: Unfortunately, you will.
*later*
Zacharias: Okay, so maybe Weasley got a bit better at Keeping…
McGonagall: A bit? He's kept Slytherin scoreless all game.
Zacharias: …but those Beaters aren't great. I mean, look at that Coote kid. He's way too skinny for the Beater position.
McGonagall: You mean the kid who managed to hit the bludger in such a way that it deflected off one Chaser, into another Chaser, and then knock out the Slytherin Keeper?
Zacharias: Hey, who's the commentator here? You or me?
McGonagall: I'd do a better job at it.
Dumbledore: Are you mad, woman? I'd have to give you two pay checks then, and since you're a woman I'm supposed to be underpaying you as it is.
McGonagall: Why do I bother with this job?
Snape: If you want better pay, I can help you out.
McGonagall: …we'll talk later.
Zacharias: OOH! It looks like Harper from the Slytherin team has found the Snitch.
Harry: Wait, what? *sees Harper chasing something gold* I better do something about that *gives chase*
Zacharias: Potter's giving chase, but I think Zacharias might just get there first.
Harry: Hey Harper, I'm the main character here. I'm supposed to win.
Harper: And I think maybe it's time you didn't *reaches out, nearly touching the Snitch*
Harry: Wow, he's really going for it. Time for Plan B. GINNY!
Ginny: I'm on it *starts thinking really hard, causing Harper to explode*
Zacharias: And in a stunning turn of events, Harper has spontaneously combusted, leaving Potter wide open to win the game for his team. Because apparently people expected anything different from this game.
Dean: Hey everyone, party in the Gryffindor dorm *crowd goes nuts*
McGonagall: They can't bring people from other houses into the dorms though.
Dumbledore: Of course they can, I'll even let them in myself. A party sounds like fun.
McGonagall: That seems like a breach of…
Dumbledore: Attention students: the password to Gryffindor Tower is Dilligrout.
McGonagall: God damn it…
*in the changerooms*
Hermione: Well, I hope you're happy Harry.
Harry: Of course I am. We won.
Hermione: But you cheated.
Harry: Did I, Hermione?
Hermione: YES! I saw you put Felix Felicis in Ron's cup.
Harry: I said… *pulls out the unopened vial* …did I?
Hermione: …oh, I see. You just wanted to make Ron think you gave him the potion so that he had the confidence to play really well.
Harry: And my plan worked perfectly.
Ron: Except that it didn't.
Harry: …wait, what?
Ron: I saw you pretend to pour the potion in my cup, and I knew if you were caught, you'd get in big trouble. So, I gave my cup to Seamus and just pretended to drink an identical cup to make you think I drank it.
Harry: Wait, so you just had a good game because you played well?
Ron: Silly Harry, I had a good game because you thought I was going to have a good game, and that made me have a good game.
Hermione: …the placebo effect hates everything you just said.
*in the common room*
Harry: Wow, this party's really kicking off. Someone even got the Weird Sisters to play.
Seamus: You think that's awesome *Harry turns to see Seamus has a bunch of girls on his arms* I'm about to have a nine-way. See ya *starts leaving with the girls*
Harry: …how did he even manage that? He wasn't even aware of the placeb… *sees one of the girls* Wait, Dean?
Dean: *wearing a wig and a dress* Shh, I'm seeing how long until he notices *leaves*
Harry: Huh…at least things can't get much weirder *sees Ron making out with Lavender* …HOLY! CRAP!
Ginny: I know, it's beautiful, isn't it?
Harry: I mean, I'm glad he's not molesting me for once, but this is a drastic change in behaviour. Almost like someone's making him do this.
Ginny: WHAT?! Who told you? …err, I mean, this is totally all him.
Harry: Uh huh. Well, I'm going to… *sees Hermione leaving in a hurry* …see what that's about. See ya *leaves*
Ginny: WAIT! You didn't hear my suggestion of doing something similar to them…damn it, so fricken close.
*in a nearby classroom*
Harry: Hey Hermione, are you okay?
Hermione: As well as can be expected.
Harry: What's wrong? You're not taking my 'pretend to give Ron good luck so he plays well for once' thing that hard, are you?
Hermione: It's not you that's the problem, it's Ron.
Harry: Yeah, breaking psychology like that is pretty bad, though you should have seen what Seamus di…
Hermione: It's not about that.
Harry: Huh?
Hermione: I know you saw them.
Harry: …wait… *realisation* …REALLY?! You and him…
Hermione: I know, it seems like we wouldn't work…
Harry: That's putting it mildly.
Hermione: But I…I really…
Lavender: Hey, this one's open *bursts through the door with Ron* Oops…sorry…didn't realise it was occupied.
Ron: Eh, they won't mind.
Lavender: Okay *starts getting very frisky with Ron*
Hermione: *glaring* Harry, please leave. I'm about to do something drastic, and can't guarantee you won't get caught in the crossfire.
Harry: Umm…okay… *leaves*
Ron: *still inside the classroom* OW! Hermione, if you wanted to join in, you just had to ask… *sickening crunching sounds* …owowowowow blueberry. BLUEBERRY!
Lavender: You're supposed to stop when he says the safety word.
Ron: Actually, it's not so bad now.
Harry: And that's my cue to… *remembers something* …wait until Seamus finishes with his orgy before I go to bed.
