CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
It was zero three hundred and Mike had insomnia. He guessed it was better than a nightmare. Andrea was sprawled out in the big bed next to him. He had to chuckle to himself, it was amazing how such a small person could take up so much of a giant bed.
But that thought also made him smile. It was nice to finally share a bed with her that they both fit comfortably, even if it was for just a short time. His mind was a jumbled whirlwind of everything that had happened in the last couple months, mixed in with thoughts of before the red flu. The turmoil and jostling keeping him awake, even after the sex with Andrea.
He sighed as another wave of dark thoughts rolled through his mind, pushing out the happy thoughts of now. Lucas, Hannah, and Katie. His kids. He closed his eyes as he felt the wave of grief wash through him. It was always hardest in the darkness of night. He looked over at Andrea as tears filled his eyes. He wished she was awake, but he didn't want to wake her.
He got up from the bed and moved into the large hotel room. He sat down on the couch and stared at the white walls, a sliver of moonlight brushing against them, coming in through a crack in the curtains.
The pain was thick, the hurt sharp. The tears fell as he tried to unload his grief quietly. He knew Andrea wouldn't mind being woken up, and he knew she would sit and cry with him. But he also wanted her to get some much-needed sleep, something that had been in short supply lately. He sucked in a shuddering breath, his lungs spasming with his grief.
His face was wet, his eyes stinging. His vision blurred. He closed his eyes and regretted it as the faces of his kids danced in his memory. He never expected to be the last man standing. Life could be so cruel sometimes.
"Mike?" Andrea's sleepy voice carried softly across the room. He opened his eyes, sniffed his nose, but remained quiet. He could hear the sheets and blanket rustling on the bed. She was shifting, trying to find him. He knew he should say something, reassure her he was here, and okay…but he wasn't…okay.
He was drowning while missing his kids. The tough guy façade was crumbling. How could he survive never holding his kids again? Pain and darkness were dragging him down. He heard Andrea getting up from the bed now. He really should say something.
"Mike, are you okay?" she asked quietly. He still couldn't bring himself to answer, mostly he just didn't trust his voice to not betray his emotions. But that didn't make sense. No, he was just consumed by the darkness of the moment. Trapped in a never-ending nightmare that he just couldn't wake up from. She was closer now and had spotted him sitting on the couch. His tears were still flowing, his nose running. His throat tight with grief.
She was in front of him now, squatting down, her hands on his knees, caressing gently. He closed his eyes again, the tears still leaking, his chest feeling like a pile of bricks. He felt her arms snake around his neck, her face pressed against his, her body molding to his. She held him while he cried.
Mike had no idea how much time had passed when Andrea shifted, her hands cupping each side of his face. Her lips gently touching his in a sweet kiss that felt heavenly. Mike's tears were slowing, and his chest was starting to open up again. He sucked in a deep breath and licked his lips as Andrea pulled back.
"Why didn't you wake me?" she asked softly, and Mike felt his eyes sting as the tears ramped up again. He let out a shaky breath and closed his eyes.
"You needed sleep," he whispered, his voice rough. He cleared his throat and looked back at the sliver of moonlight on the wall. He heard Andrea sigh as she sat on the couch next to him, curling effortlessly into his side. His arm wrapped around her shoulders, his fingers sliding along her bare skin.
"Mike, you don't ever have to go through this alone. Please just wake me up. I know what it feels like."
"I know you do, Shortie. It's just…" Mike's words stopped. He wasn't sure what he wanted to say. He knew he was just stubborn and didn't like to burden someone else with his emotions.
"Michael," Andrea said sternly, and Mike's lips curled into a crooked grin. He slowly tilted his head until he made eye contact with her. "Your emotions are not a burden," she whispered. "And never will be to me. I get it," she continued, and Mike felt fresh tears coming. She was starting to be able to read him well.
"You really are gunning for Tom's job," he whispered before he dropped down and kissed her quickly. She looked up him with a raised eyebrow. "Best friend."
"I told you," she said with a confident grin. "But if you ever sit naked with him on a couch, I think I'll let him win," she continued. Mike burst out laughing, then cringed as the image floated in his mind.
"Gross," Mike said. "That's one area you'll beat him every time," Mike laughed out. Andrea smiled.
"Want to talk about what caused this tonight?"
"Not really," Mike said with a sigh. "Same old shit I suppose."
"Missing the kids?" Andrea asked as her voice trailed off. Mike assumed she was thinking of Lilly.
"Yeah," Mike said squeezing her in a side hug. Andrea was quiet for a while and Mike sat staring at the sliver of moonlight again.
"You ever think you might want another child?" Andrea asked as her hand rubbed along his chest. The words hit Mike and he was caught completely off guard. Mike had always wanted lots of kids. He knew Christine didn't want anymore because he wasn't around to help, but he had always wanted more.
And now, he wasn't sure. This pain was deeper and sharper than anything he had ever experienced in his life, but would he? Like to have another child? And did this mean Andrea was thinking about this? Did she want another child? The silence dragged on and he felt Andrea shift a little against his side. He kept his eyes on the moonlight.
"I guess I haven't really thought about it," Mike replied finally. Andrea's hand stilled on his chest.
"I have," she confessed, and Mike took in a deep breath.
"You have?" Mike asked, his voice sounding shaky.
"I have. You sound…nervous."
"Well, I…" Mike stammered. He was completely caught off guard on this, and his emotions were still very raw from the grief of the night.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought this up now," Andrea back pedaled. He felt her pull away from him slightly. He shifted his gaze from the moonlight to her.
"It's okay, it's just…I guess I didn't really think about it. I wasn't really prepared…you want another baby?"
"I think I do," she whispered. Mike's brain was spinning. If she was thinking about that…did that mean she wanted a baby…with him?
"With me?" he asked quietly. Her eyes came up, then her hand left his chest and cupped his face. He saw the answer in her eyes, and he was a little blown away. He licked his suddenly dry lips, and his eyes went back to that spot on the wall.
"Mike?" she asked, her voice hesitant and…there was something else there…fear? "It's okay if you don't want any more kids."
But it wasn't really, and he knew that. She wanted a baby. She wanted a child. She wanted one with him. He thought about that and what it would mean. He swallowed as he knew deep down, the answer to her question. She was right, this wasn't the best time to discuss this, and his emotions were very raw at the moment, but he thought about the times Christine had told him she was pregnant, and how he had felt each time. He remembered when his kids were born, and how he had felt each time. He thought about watching them grow, he thought about the good stuff, the happy times. He thought about being called Dad.
"I do," he choked out as the tears rushed him again, his throat tight. His chest was shuddering again. Andrea was on her knees next to him on the couch, her hands on either side of his face. "I think I do," he whispered as the tears streamed down his face.
She leaned in and kissed him slowly, warmly. As she pulled back, he felt his body slump back into the couch, mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion crashing through him all at once. Andrea wrapped her arms around his torso, her head resting on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry, I brought it up now," she whispered, and Mike could only nod. "I'm sorry you had to lose your family," she said even quieter, and Mike felt a little bit shattered. "But I'm glad we found each other in this storm," she finished.
"I'm glad we have each other too," Mike whispered against the top of her head. She pushed up and stood from the couch, holding her hand out to him.
"Come on, let's get some sleep."
Mike reached up and wrapped his fingers with hers then stood up. She turned, their fingers still intertwined, and led him back to the bed. She dropped his hand and crawled in, wrapping herself up in the blanket. Mike went to the other side and crawled in next to her. It didn't take him long this time to fall asleep.
To Be Continued…
