Chapter 52: Substitute Sidekick

Upon returning to Starship Mario, I saw that I had 23 Power Stars and 9 Comet Medals. Yay. But now…why did my hair feel sticky? I felt under my cap and-

Oh my gosh, Baby Luma! I forgot all about him when Spiky Spikepecker dove onto my head! I had vaguely wondered why I didn't feel his spike tearing a big hole in my skull, but shrugged it off and attributed it to the ass-over-end backwards rules of physics in these adventures.

I picked up Baby Luma and saw that that bird's spike had jabbed him in the side and he was leaking some sort of…blood, I guess? It was rainbow-colored, but then again, they say "you are what you eat," so I guess since Lumas eat nothing but Star Bits, their blood is rainbow-colored. Okay, fair enough.

"Ack," he groaned. "What the…heck happened?"

"Hey Mario, what's going on?" Blue asked. "What's – OH MY GOSH, A DEAD LUMA!"

"He's not dead, he just got stabbed," I said. "Someone help me out and get him some medical care! Do any of you have any knowledge of treating wounds like this?"

"No."

Of course they didn't. Why WOULD they?

"Percival!" I shouted. "Percival Pompatus Penguin, where are you? I might need your help!"

"Pompatus." Someone's parents like "The Joker" a bit too much.

Percival waddled onto the helm a few seconds later. "What's up?" he asked. "What – is that Luma hurt? Good – I mean bad! Very, very bad!"

In hindsight, maybe he wasn't the best denizen of Starship Mario to ask for help treating a Luma.

"Do you have any medical experience?" I asked.

"Coach taught us some basic stuff," he said.

"Do you know how to treat a stab wound?"

"Sure. You'd be surprised how often Penguin fights break out and involve us beak-stabbing each other. Treating stab wounds is as vital for us as swimming."

If Penguins learn how to treat stab wounds, what the heck are Flipruses taught? How to reattach severed flippers?

"Give him to me," Percy said. "I'll see what I can do to ki – help him, I mean."

I turned to Blue. "Keep an eye on them. Make sure Percy doesn't go Dr. Death on this guy."

"What are you going to do?" Blue asked.

"See if that anti-Lubba propaganda from Yoshi made the Lumalee loyal to us," I said.

I headed towards the Warp Pipe by Starship Mario's left ear and leapt down it. The room inside was circular with a red carpet floor and red-and-gold curtains on the walls. And towards the back of the room was a Lumalee holding…some sort of giant dice batons? Okay, weird. Never seen a Lumalee like this before. Usually they're offering up a 1-Up Mushroom or a Life Mushroom.

"Lumalee! Lumabop! Welcome to the Luma Shop!" he sang. "Care to spin a Chance Cube for only 30 Star Bits?"

"No, but there's something else I'd really appreciate if you could do for me," I said. "Hypothetically, if you were to hop under my cap, would having you around give me the ability to Star-Spin?"

"It should," Lumalee said. "Any Luma can do that if they're around someone and choose to transfer their Luma magic into the person. But…oh, I'm rather fond of it down here, where I'm safe from…everything else. I don't know, I would be so terribly nervous…."

Translation: bribe me, bitch!

Let's see, what amount of Star Bits could I afford to give up? I had the 344 in my account with Banktoad, plus the 573 I'd collected since that Game Over in the Wild Glide Galaxy. That was…917 in total.

"I'll give you 100 Star Bits," I said.

The Lumalee crossed his batons, which I assumed was the equivalent of crossing his arms…only he couldn't cross his because they were so tiny. "More," he said.

"200."

"More."

"250."

"More!"

"Alright, 300. Final offer."

"Okay, now we're getting somewhere. See, in my experience, when someone gives a 'final offer,' they can actually afford to dish out two to three times that amount, but just don't want to. So…let's split the difference and say 750. Final offer."

"No."

"Yes. Either you give me 750 Star Bits, or I'm staying right where I am." Lumalee narrowed his eyes.

I narrowed mine.

Lumalee frowned.

I frowned.

Lumalee growled.

I farted.

Whoops, thought I could hold that in.


About half a minute later, I walked back onto the helm. "Oh, hey Mario," Bartholomew said. "What's up?"

"Where's Banktoad?" I asked.

"Down in his cabin. Why?"

"Because I'd like to withdraw 177 Star Bits from my account with him."


And a few more minutes later, I walked onto the helm again, with Lumalee under my cap this time. Somehow he'd managed to eat all those Star Bits without exploding, and then shrank back to his normal size in a matter of seconds. So…not sure why, since every other Lumalee I've ever met has exploded after only 30 Star Bits, and this guy managed to eat 25 times as many and was fine.

Something tells me there's a lot more to Lumas than I'm currently aware of. Either that or the universe is just run by a big goofball who has no clue what the heck he's doing.

"Your hair stinks," Lumalee said.

"Yeah, well it's got dried Luma blood in it. Suck it up," I said.

"No thank you, I'm not hungry enough to do that."

I wasn't sure if he was being snarky or if Lumas would really do something like that, so I just left it alone.

So, now…I guess I'd see what the galaxy I unlocked for completing "Head in the Clouds" was called. I steered Starship Mario over to it, and saw that its name was the Freezy Flake Galaxy. So, snow-themed. One of my guesses was right after all. Yeah, now that I could see it more clearly, there were snow-covered trees in the galaxy icon. A desert-themed galaxy wouldn't have trees.

Did I really want to do a snow-themed level, though? I mean, they aren't really any worse than standard levels, but I always end up freezing my balls off, and now that would be an even bigger problem than usual because of the thin, flimsy clothes I was wearing.

"Why are you stopping?" Lumalee asked.

"Because I don't know where to go," I said.

"Well, make up your mind already. The sooner you finish, the sooner I can get back to my cozy room."

Yeah, he was definitely the type of guy who wasn't gonna be a lick of help putting down any future coup attempts by Lubba. He'd sense fighting coming and fly off, claiming he had to go take a rejuvenating bath or moisturize his skin or something.

Lumalee lifted the front of my cap. "Oh, no, no, don't go to a galaxy called the Freezy Flake Galaxy. It'll be cold there, and I don't like being cold."

Screw it; now I was going to the Freezy Flake Galaxy. "Well, I don't recall asking your opinion, so I'm going where I want to go."

"Why did you even ask me to come along with you if you don't want my opinion? It's just…I'm getting very conflicting messages from you here."

"Because I want you to just be quiet and give me the ability to spin-jump like Baby Luma does!"

"Fiiiine. How was I supposed to know you're so antisocial?"

…Yeah, maybe I am. Maybe society hasn't given me much reason to be social.

So I flew to the galaxy, and saw that the first mission was titled "Bowser on Ice."

What the-? I had to fight Bowser in this galaxy?! Wait, no, even if there was some sort of absurd bait-and-switch going on here and this was actually World 3's boss galaxy, I just fought Bowser at the end of World 2. World 3 should have a Bowser Jr. boss fight! Unless Bowser was here to make up for the not-really-a-fight that closed out World 2, since we basically just had a quick therapy session and then he barfed up a Grand Star.

Yay; my hopes for this level just got really slim.

As I flew towards the Starting Planet, I saw that it looked like there were only three planets in the galaxy: the aforementioned starting one, which had a log cabin on its topside; a large one made of snow and ice that was below it; and another large one made of lava out in the distance. No doubt that was where my showdown with Bowser would be happening. I'm guessing this galaxy was originally supposed to be 100% snow-themed, given the name, but after the end of World 2, Bowser came along, covered one of the planets with lava, and replaced whatever the first mission originally was with a boss battle. And what was "Bowser on Ice" even supposed to mean? I've never had an ice-themed battle with Bowser before!

So I landed in front of the cabin, which had a Fire Flower in the front porch. Was the Launch Star to the next planet hidden in the cabin and I had to burn my way in? I grabbed the Fire Flower, and then saw some movement inside the cabin. I looked through a window in the front door and saw…a Star Bunny? I kid you not, there was a Star Bunny in the cabin.

"What are you doing in there?" I asked.

"Those weird snow sculptures give me the creeps!" he said. "I'm too scared to leave my house…. Boiyoing…."

Well now, I've got a heck of a lot of problems with what he just said. First off, WHAT snow sculptures? There were no snow sculptures on the planet, just a few tree stumps and…oh, there was a snow sculpture. Around the far side of the cabin was a large…Goomba snowman, I guess? It was a bunch of snow molded into the shape of a Goomba. How the heck did that creep him out? It was a flippin' Goomba! They're literally the weakest enemy I've faced in all my adventures. But the Star Bunny said "sculptures," as in plural, and there was only one here, so…?

Second, how the flip is this his house? There's no furniture in it, barely enough room for him to pace back and forth, no room for him to bounce, and no food, for that matter.

And third, again, the use of "boiyoing," which I begrudgingly let slide because it wasn't exactly clear what he was F-bombing, and it didn't really seem like it was me.

"Are you sure you're happy in there?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah," he said very unconvincingly. "I've got everything I need in here: a floor, walls, a roof, body heat to keep myself warm, wood to gnaw on…I'm happy."

Okay, fine. He wants to be miserable, let him be miserable. Not my problem.

"You know if there's a Launch Star anywhere around here?"

"I haven't seen one, boiyoing!"

Okay, so was it inside the snow Goomba? I leapt off the porch and slung a fireball at the snow Goomba. It exploded into a few Star Bits.

"How about the tree stumps?" Lumalee suggested. "You know, if you ground-pound a tree stump, lots of things can happen."

"I know that, and I was about to do that next." I walked over to the stumps one after another and ground-pounded on them, but no Launch Star appeared happened.

"Try the underside of the planet now," Lumalee said. "We haven't gone down there yet."

"I don't need you constantly commentating on my adventuring."

I headed to the underside of the planet and…oh, there was another snow Goomba. Okay, so the Star Bunny was right. I threw a fireball at it, revealing a Launch Star hiding inside it.

"Look, Mario; a Launch Star," Lumalee said. "If you get in, it'll take you to the next planet."

Did he think I was a flippin' idiot? I'm starting to think he did.

The Launch Star shot me to the giant snow planet, which was "decorated" with even more snow sculptures, including two of Goombas and one of Bowser at the far end of the planet. I burned through the two Goomba sculptures near where I landed, and then saw another Star Bunny nearby.

"These are some really weird snow sculptures…," he said. "They give me the creeps!"

Oh.

My.

GOSH!

They are made of SNOW! They are not CREEPY! And if you get creeped out by them, why the heck are you standing right next to them? At least the other Star Bunny could say he was hiding in a cabin, but this guy was just out in the open, whining about the Goombas yet making no attempts to move away from them.

Nearby was a Chance Cube that looked a bit like the ones Lumalee had been holding, in that it was large and had six sides. But whereas Lumalee's Chance Cubes had Star Bits and 1-Up Mushrooms on them, this one had coins and Bowser's emblem on these as well. HA! You're not fooling me, you stupid thing! I know full well that if I roll that and it lands Bowser-side up, it's gonna instigate a boss battle with Bowser. So maybe I can cheat my way out of this boss fight.

I grabbed another Fire Flower and headed down a set of steps to the lower area of the planet. More snow Goombas were all over the place, along with a helping of Li'l Burps, who I promptly torched with my fireballs. Last up was the giant snow statue of Bowser, which I assumed was hiding the way off the planet since there was nothing else left to burn. I slung a fireball at it just as my power-up wore off. Only the statue wasn't destroyed; it just partially crumbled.

Wait a second…what if melting the Bowser statue would set the real Bowser loose? What if he his himself in there, waiting for me to set him free by pelting the statue with one fireball after another? And then I'd have to fight him here. This lower area of the planet did look a bit like a boss arena. I'd probably have to trick him into slamming down on the frozen lake near the edge of the planet, like how all my boss battles with him in my first galactic adventure involved getting him to slam down on pools of lava. And then once he was in the lake, he'd lose a wedge of health from the cold water like happens to me, and I'd have to do that three times to defeat him.

Then again, who was I kidding? Bowser was giant this time around; there was no flippin' way he could fit in that snow statue. My initial thought was probably correct: as long as I didn't spin the Chance Cube, he couldn't appear.

"What are you waiting for, slowpoke?" Lumalee demanded. "You didn't destroy the statue all the way. Go get another Fire Flower and finish the job. Maybe your time isn't that precious to you, but mine is to me."

Jeez, this guy was rude! "Hold your horses," I said. "I was thinking."

"Well, think faster. I'm suffocating on the fumes from your hair under here."

"Don't blame me; blame Spiky Spikepecker. He's the one who stabbed Baby Luma and got his Luma blood all over my head."

"Oh no, I'm not talking about that. Luma blood smells like strawberry ice cream; everyone knows that. Whatever your hair reeks of is significantly overpowering that scent. And I have never seen so many lice on one person's head."

Damn, I thought I got rid of those guys last year.

I got another Fire Flower and headed back to the Bowser statue. Two more fireballs and it was destroyed, revealing a checkpoint flag and then…a long slide. Oh no, please don't tell me this was gonna be like the slide from the Tall Trunk Galaxy, populated with a bunch of enemies at every turn and spiky obstacles just waiting to tear yet another set of my clothes to smithereens.

"Look, if you're gonna keep waiting for no reason, I'm leaving," Lumalee said.

"Yeah, and going where again?" I asked. "You can't head back to Starship Mario on your own." At least I hoped he couldn't.

I snagged the checkpoint flag and hesitantly stepped onto the slide. Down it I slid, freezing my ass off since my cheap clothes did little to shelter it from the ice. Thankfully the slide was neither long nor dangerous, and several seconds later I emerged on a smaller planet. It had several large blocks on it – some made of snow, some seemingly of stone – arranged in some sort of fort. And on the planet was another snow Goomba statue, and at least one more Li'l Burp. Oh yay.

I landed on the planet, and the Li'l Burp immediately saw me. I Star-Spun near it and it dropped to the ground, then I kicked it to get a coin. Around the far side of the fort was another Fire Flower. Let's see, what to thaw with it? The snow Goomba? The blocks of snow in the fort? Nah, who was I kidding. Of course the hideous snow Goomba first.

All the snow Goomba revealed were a few Star Bits, so onto the fort it was.

After burning away one wall of snow blocks, I found a small alcove with a Comet Medal in it. Well, now that I know these things serve a purpose, and seeing as how it's right here and I'm not being chased by a psycho bee or risking touching a Whomp who's possibly contaminated with Weasles, I didn't see any reason to not go for it.

So I entered the alcove, grabbed the Comet Medal, and turned to leave again….

…only to find that two more Li'l Burps had blocked my way out.

And before I could spin at them, one floated towards me, making its strange "Ackmeeeee…wowwwwwww…wowwwwwww" noise as it moved, and froze me.

"I'm cold," Lumalee said. "And you know I hate being cold."

I tried to force my way out of the block of ice, and after a few tried I succeeded. "What and you think I like being cold?" I snapped. "Because I-"

The other Li'l Burp floated into me, freezing me again.

Oh come on! This could not be happening! Now I was down to one wedge of health. Don't tell me, don't even flippin' tell me, that I was about to die for a stupid Comet Medal.

"You don't like being cold, huh?" Lumalee said. "Because it would seem to me that you love it."

Okay, that's it. Even if it would mean taking three months off from adventuring, once I completed this level, I was waiting for Baby Luma to heal before setting out again. This Lumalee was just a douchebag.

I finally freed myself of the icy prison and Star-Spun, taking care of one of the Li'l Burps. But the other one, in a show of strategy the likes of which I've never before seen from Bowser's minions, backed far enough away that it would be unaffected. Then, before I could Star-Spin again, it approached, accompanied by its stupid "Ackmeeeee…wowwwwwww…wowwwwwww" noise. Then it froze me for a third time.

TOO BAD!