It took Hermione approximately one second to start hyperventilating as soon as Harry spoke. Lupin tried to calm her as Harry rose, slamming his glass on a side table. He sped up the stairs and into his room. Suddenly full of adrenaline, he went to his open trunk and started throwing things. His clothes, his books, anything he could get his hands on. When his door opened and closed gently, he looked up and saw Sirius standing there.
And then, it finally hit Harry like a bludger to the chest. He flung himself onto his bed, burying his face into his pillow, and screamed. Everything that had been piling up flooded his mind in flashes. Ron, looking so depressed for weeks, the way Ron had smiled at him when he had started feeling better, the cuts on Ron's arms, Ron in the Astronomy Tower expressing his feelings, Ron telling him he was in love with him, their laughter while drunk in the kitchen, the kissing, the touching.
And when Harry thought his throat would rip apart, he finally stopped screaming, and realized Sirius was sitting on his bed, with his hand gently patting Harry's back.
"It's alright," Sirius was saying, "Don't keep it in."
And at these words, the years finally came. Heaving huge sobs, it felt like every pain Harry had ever felt was finally coming out. He saw Ron's body on the floor and cried even harder. Sirius's hand remained comfortingly on his back.
After what seemed like hours, but Harry did not know, the tears finally stopped, and he just lay there, gulping for air.
"There is a chance, Harry," Sirius said gently, "I know you don't want to hear it, but-"
"There's no chance, Sirius," Harry said, turning his face to the side and resting his cheek on his dampened pillow, "He's going to die. I saw him. He told me he was in love with me. Then…we got drunk. We kissed. Then he killed himself. I killed him. I…it's my fault."
Sirius paused.
"So he told you," he said finally.
"That's what you knew, wasn't it?" Harry asked, he didn't need to look to see that Sirius had nodded. "Yeah. He told me. Right after he said he feared for my life. And his. That basically being in love with me scares him to death. Then he killed himself."
"He's not dead, Harry," Sirius said.
"Yet," Harry replied.
There was a silence. Harry took a deep breath and sat up, burying his face in his hands, worried he would start to cry again if he looked at Sirius.
"Why did he do this?" Harry muttered into his hands, "Why couldn't he just…why couldn't we…"
"It sounded like he's been struggling for a while," Sirius said softly, "Not just with you. But with himself. His feelings. His attractions to people. I could imagine having feelings for someone who's death seems so imminent can be difficult. A lot was piling up. I assume telling you what he'd been holding on to, his love for you, might have been the most terrifying for him."
Harry looked up.
"I feel like I really hurt him," he muttered, "I feel like…I shouldn't have kissed him. But he kissed me first. I thought it was okay. I just…went with it."
"I don't think you did anything wrong, Harry," Sirius told him, "You heard him. You listened. But the question, Harry, is if you feel like you hurt him, then is it possible you don't love him the way he loves you?"
Harry did not speak, thinking hard.
"I don't know," he admitted.
"That's alright," Sirius assured him, "You have a lot on your mind, and love is a complex emotion. Though," he placed a hand on Harry's shoulder, and Harry looked up at him, "If you have any anxiety at all about the fact that you may love a boy, not a girl, I can assure you with utmost confidence that I, nor anyone else, will judge you. My only priority in your life is that you are happy. Do you understand me?"
Harry nodded.
"Ron never held any concern about how his family would react," Sirius continued, squeezing Harry's shoulder, "The Weasley's are as accepting as they come. His only concern was how you would react."
They sat in silence, Harry's mind reeling with all this new information. Then he finally said, his voice wobbling,
"I don't want to think about loving him. Not right now. Not when he…"
"I understand, Harry." Sirius stood before Harry and placed both hands on his shoulders, "Now can you do me a favor?" Harry nodded. "Get some rest. And I promise I will wake you with any news as soon as I get it."
Harry nodded again, and there was a soft knock on the door. Sirius opened it and Hermione took a few tentative steps inside.
"Lupin went to check on…" she trailed off, "I couldn't go…I thought…family, you know." She sniffed. "I didn't want to be alone."
"Harry was going to get some rest," Sirius said, but he gestured to the cot, "Why don't you both get some rest. I will wake you with any news."
Hermione and Harry both nodded, Sirius was about to shut the door when Harry said suddenly,
"Sirius…" Sirius paused to look at him. "Any news. Anything…please."
"I promise, Harry."
[][][][][][][]
"Harry…Harry…Hermione…"
Harry shot upright as soon as he heard the voice, it was dark in the room except for a light in the hallway from the open door. Sirius was rousing Hermione gently, and she soon sat up in the cot.
"What is it?" Harry asked quickly, and he heard a barrage of voices downstairs, "What happened?"
Sirius turned on the lamp on the nightstand and stood before them, looking exhausted.
"They believe the poison worked itself out, which is good, as they could not find the antidote. One of my mothers hobbies was experimenting with poisons, the one Ron found in the study must have been one of her weaker ones. His wounds are mostly healed. The blood replenishment potions are starting to hold." Here, Sirius took a breath, "He is not awake. He has not shown signs of waking. But that does not mean he won't. Or how he will be when he does wake."
"How he'll be?" Hermione whispered, clutching her blanket, "Like…defecits?"
Sirius nodded.
"It is likely there will be none," he said, "But we won't know until he's awake."
Harry and Hermione looked at each other. Hermione was crying again, but silently. Harry did not know how to process this information. He supposed it was good, but it also did not sound comforting.
"Try to get more sleep," Sirius told them, turning the light back off, "His family is here to do that themselves. Remus and I will be downstairs. Tonks has volunteered to stay at the hospital to bring any news. Rest easy, he is on the right path."
Sirius exited quietly. Harry and Hermione both laid down.
"Harry…" Hermione whispered in a choked voice, "What will we do…what if he doesn't wake up…"
"I don't know," Harry replied, "I really don't."
Hermione cried softly. Harry felt so mentally exhausted. He listened to passing footsteps and whispered conversations as Ron's family passed. He thought about the conversation he and Sirius had had. And finally he heard Hermione fall silent. He lay there a few more minutes to make sure she had truly fallen asleep, then sat up and looked around the room at his possessions he had thrown until his eyes fell upon his invisibility cloak.
