After Harry pulled on his invisibility cloak, he carefully opened the door and entered the hallway, then quietly shut it behind him. He wasn't as much concerned for anyone catching him leaving as he was about just wanting to get to St. Mungo's to be alone.
He managed to slip by the kitchen, where he heard Remus and Sirius murmuring to each other, and out the door. The streets were empty and all the streetlights were lit. Harry assumed it was shortly after midnight. He crunched along the sidewalk, mind still reeling with several thoughts. He still did not want to think about his feelings for Ron, or if he had any at all outside of friendship. All he wanted to do was actually see him, be near him.
Harry took a few wrong turns, as his only memory of bring brought to St. Mungo's was very bleary in his mind, but eventually he found to false store-front entrance, and made his way in after removing his cloak. He welcomed the warmth gratefully, and asked for Ron's whereabouts. He was still in the same room.
As Harry navigated the halls he felt his heart beat faster. Once he was at Ron's door and grabbed the handle, he was suddenly full with wishful thinking that Ron would be awake, sitting up in his bed, smiling and waiting for him. But when he opened the door, his insides collapsed. Ron was still laying in the bed, eyes closed, hands still attached to the bed rails by the cuffs. He was less pale, his lips no longer blue, and eyes no longer sunken.
Harry pulled a chair to the side of the bed, near Ron's head. He watched his chest rise and fall.
He's breathing, Harry thought.
He hesitated, then reached out and grabbed Ron's hand, surprised that it was warm. He gripped it with both of his, the small chain rattled. Harry took a deep breath, then spoke quietly,
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't say anything…that night. I'm sorry I just let you…" His voice cracked when he realized that he had been holding this in, "I let you walk away. I should have stopped you. I should have helped you." Harry swallowed when he felt a familiar peppery feeling in his nose and tightness in his throat. "I didn't know how I felt then. I'm not sure I do now, either. But…" He took a deep shaking breath, then leaned forward and let his head fall on his hands still wrapped around Ron's. A few tears escaped his eyes. He listened to the clock ticking on the wall, and Ron's hollow breathing. He raised his head again and looked at Ron's face.
Because I'm in love with you his voice echoed in Harry's mind.
"Please wake up," Harry pleaded, "Please. You are not nothing, you never have been. You are so much to me. To Hermione. To your family. You're not nothing without me. I need you, too." He lowered his head again, tears falling onto his hands. "Please wake up. Please wake up. Please." He swallowed hard, hoping there was some part of Ron that was hearing any of this. "I'll never walk away from you again, or let you walk away from me. If you die, I die. I'll never be whole again. I will protect you, I will kill for you. I will do anything. Just please wake up."
Harry suddenly felt two small hands on his shaking shoulders, and Hermione's hair fell by his face as she hugged him from behind, her tears falling with his. Harry turned into her and they clutched each other tightly.
Several minutes passed as they held each other. Harry did not even question how she had found him, once they had calmed themselves, Harry noticed Lupin standing in the hallway just outside the door. They both sat, Hermione opposite Harry, each holding one of Ron's hands, watching him breathe. But there was no other movement. No sign that he had heard Harry's pleas, no sign of waking.
[][][][][][][]
Two days passed, and Christmas Eve fell. The Weasley's spent most of the day at St. Mungo's, and Harry and Hermione both held back, letting them have some privacy. Mrs. Weasley tried to coax them to join, but they both insisted that they stay behind. Harry would have liked to go and see Ron again, but a larger part of him found it very difficult to see Ron in that state. It seemed a dark resignation had fallen over everyone, that Ron was not going to wake. According to whispers Harry heard in the kitchen one night, even the healers seemed unconvinced that it was possible now, and had even removed the cuffs from his wrists, that was the final sign for everyone.
Moody, Tonks, and Lupin all came for dinner on Christmas Eve, as well as Bill. Charlie came and stopped by to greet everyone and drank some tea, but then insisted on going to the hospital, Tonks offered to go in his place later on that day, but Bill quickly said that he would.
Christmas Eve seemed more like a wake. Everyone was talking in low voices. Mrs. Weasley, Ginny, and Hermione kept wiping away tears. Harry felt like the lump in his throat was now permanent. He and George kept exchanging glances, but did not speak to each other. Fred and Bill were the only ones who tempted to smile. There were no presents under the tree. Either no one had gone shopping, or they felt it inappropriate.
The steady quietness was suddenly interrupted by forceful, continuous tapping at the window. Frowning, Sirius looked around. A Tawny owl was fluttering outside, ferociously tapping at the window.
"That's a Mungo's owl!" Fred bellowed.
"Oh no," Hermione cried, clasping one hand over her mouth and gripping Harry's arm with the other.
"If it's bad news why would he send an owl?" Harry said loudly, rushing toward the window, but Sirius got there first, he wrenched open the sticky window and snatched the parchment from the owls leg, and it immediately took off.
"Here, Arthur!" Sirius thrust the parchment at Mr. Weasley, who unrolled it and let out a cry.
"He's awake!"
There was a chorus of relieved cries and a clatter as everyone put down there plates and glasses and surrounded Mr. Weasley as he read breathlessly,
"'Ron's awake, he woke at ten after eight. He is very shaken and confused but Healer Thrip says he did not detect any deficits. His memory is in tact. The healers gave him a calming elixir. They said he should be ready for visitors but two in the room at a time. I will stay until you get here."
Hermione threw her arms around Harry and cried happy tears into his shoulder. Harry clutched her back, sighing heavily. Everyone was hugging. Fred and George whooped gleefully.
"Everyone!" called out Mr. Weasley, raising his hands, "Everyone! Kids!" the room quieted. "This is great news, wonderful. But…this is still a difficult time. Whatever feelings we had, whatever we were dealing with…Ron is dealing with twice over. He will be dealing with. I don't want to be the one to say this, but…" He hesitated, "Ron…our son, your brother, your friend…he was not expecting to wake up from this." Mr. Weasley looked around the room slowly. "To us, of course, this is a time to celebrate. But we cannot go into his room expecting him to feel the same. He will be shaken, he will be fragile. Everything will feel overwhelming."
Hermione, still clinging to Harry's side, sniffed loudly, but nodded. Everyone else nodded.
"Can we still go?" Ginny asked quietly, she was holding onto George's sleeve.
"Of course we can go," Mr. Weasley said with a smile, "Just keep what I said in mind. So, shoes and cloaks, and let's get walking. Maybe gloves, it's cold."
It took less than five minutes for the group to meet at the front door. Harry felt a flutter in his stomach. Ron was awake. And Harry had never felt so grateful in his life. But he went over what Mr. Weasley said. Ron hadn't expected to wake up.
[][][][][][][]
About a half hour later Harry found himself in the hallway outside of Ron's room, Charlie had rushed out at the sound of numerous footsteps. He looked pleased enough but he shut the door behind him and spoke in low tones to his parents.
"The calming elixir kicked in, it's helped a ton. But he's really shaken still. Didn't know where he was at first, or why I was there. He remembered what he did, and…" Charlie sighed, "He feels really bad. I mean, that's a given, but…he's confused. They wanted to chain him up again at first but I put up a fight." At that moment Healer Thrip exited the room, and grinned at the crowd.
"Good to see you all back!" He said pleasantly, "We'll let mum and dad see him first, yeah? Then as the rest of you take your visits we'll talk about a plan."
"Thank you!" Mrs. Weasley said graciously as she rushed into the room.
Two by two, first Mr. and Mrs. Weasley went in for quite some time, then Ginny and Bill, then the twins. As each few minutes passed, Harry felt more and more nervous. He paced up and down the hall, thinking about what he might say. Hermione seemed nervous as well, she was wringing her hands. But as each family member left the room, they were smiling, Fred and George had even been laughing as they were in the room with Ron.
"Harry…" Hermione suddenly said as Harry was mid-pace, she was hovering by the open door of Ron's room, "Are you…?"
Harry nodded and rushed over, and they walked into Ron's room, he was sitting upright, and looked exhausted, but smiled when he saw them, which lifted Harry's spirits very slightly.
"Oh, Ron!" Hermione cried, she rushed over to the side of his bed and gave him a small hug, "It's so good to see you! I mean – I – it's – I…" she stammered, wringing her hands again as she stood near his head.
"It's okay," Ron said with a slight chuckle, "I understand." He sounded very shaky and hoarse, almost as though speaking was physically painful. He looked over at Harry and smiled shyly, "Hi."
"Hi," Harry said heavily, and sat in the chair by him, he instinctively wanted to grab his hand, and his fingers twitched, but he kept them in his lap, "How are you…" He trailed off and laughed tentatively, "Sorry…I told myself I wasn't going to ask."
"I feel…awful," Ron said, "Like…really ill. And…I dunno. I don't know how much you guys want to hear."
Hermione gingerly took a seat next to him and grabbed one of his hands.
"We'll listen to whatever you want to tell us, Ron," she said gently, "We're your best friends…we should have…" her bottom lip wobbled, "We should have helped…"
Ron's brow furrowed as he stared at his hospital blanket.
"I don't think you could have," he said, "It was just…a moment. Things were always really up or really down and it got exhausting, and just in that moment I wanted it to stop. I was just…" He sighed heavily, "Exhausted. Nothing in my head made sense. I remember walking into that study and then…" He raised his palms, and Harry saw two bright red jagged cuts on his wrists, almost healed, "I was here, and Charlie was next to me. They had these cuffs, they wanted to chain me to the bed."
"They didn't want you to hurt yourself again," Hermione said softly, she looked at Harry, "They do it in the muggle world, too."
Ron just shook his head.
"Charlie went mad, he yelled, got my head healer, said it wasn't necessary. I was just confused. I told him I remembered what I did but I don't." He looked up finally, "I don't remember doing it at all."
"What's the last thing you remember?" Harry asked carefully.
"Er…" Ron eyed Harry, "Just um…that little gathering with everyone, you know. The wine and sweets and stuff. Mad-Eye and Tonks were there. And I just…didn't feel like I was there. I went upstairs and was just wandering. Went into the study, and that was it."
Harry and Hermione looked at each other then over at Ron, who was looking at his blanket again, frowning.
"I don't want to die," he said quietly, fiercly, gripping his blanket, "It was an accident. A...an I don't know what. I know I did it but…"
Hermione gripped his hand tightly and said,
"It's okay, Ron. We're here. We believe you."
Harry grabbed Ron's other hand, and more relief washed over him just at the touch, at the warmth. Ron was here. And he was alive.
"We are always on your side, Ron," Harry said firmly, "If you say you didn't mean to then that's that."
Ron heaved a great sigh, he locked eyes with Harry for a brief moment, and Harry wished he knew what Ron was trying to silently tell him, but in that moment he couldn't tell. But they shared a brief smile. And that was enough for Harry, he had made his decision.
