A/N Hey guys, here's the next chapter of The Rogue so without further ado, enjoy.
Hours later, I was perched on a tree facing the montane creek and even with the calming sound of its rippling waters, my mind was still buzzing with a multitude of conflicting emotions as my exchange with Shirou kept replaying in my mind like a broken record, stroking the feeling of sorrow and anguish every time they dwindled.
After calming down from my emotional breakdown, I tried to distract myself from those thoughts by exploring the woods and it was my first time walking so far from the den on my own so I paid close attention to every landmark to draw a mental map of the mountain.
I also made sure to stay close to the stream the whole time since burning so much energy on trekking along the mountainside, as well as memorizing the forested landscape, proved to be quite efficient at keeping my mind off a certain wolfman but, unfortunately, whenever I took a break or even appreciate the beautiful view, those damn thoughts would come launching back like a pack of starved dogs.
Sighing, I slouched back on the thick tree trunk and mindlessly carved misshapen forms on its bark with my dagger, the ancient tree cradling my body almost perfectly with its trunk having split into multiple large branches covered in soft velvety moss so I had quickly grown to appreciate the fluffy green coverage as the forest's natural bedding and this time was no exception, the spot being shockingly comfortable.
'But not as comfortable as Shirou's fur,' I thought when I grimaced and mentally swore, wondering why it was so hard to stop thinking about him.
Ever since that moment when Shirou had cornered me during our little game, I've been feeling different whenever I was around him and just thinking about him would cause my face to go red, my heart race, and experience a nice tingle that made me feel giddy.
Now, after he had injured me, I had been feeling something oddly...wrong deep in my chest so any thoughts of Shirou that had brought me warmth and bliss would now leave an empty numbing void, which tickled my ribs and made my heart ache with a harrowing sense of longing so I couldn't help but feel like something was missing, that I was incomplete.
I stilled the dagger in my hands, thinking back to when I was straddling Shirou or gently moving my hand across his firm chest while he had cornered me and it was such an intimate experience that I had enjoyed but it was a good thing I had been wearing pants or that would've turned very awkward and Shirou probably wouldn't speak to me for a while, then I recalled what I called him as I was having that PTSD episode after he hurt me.
My ears pinned back against my skull as a glint of remorse sparked to life within me, remembering that I had called him a murderer and while I wasn't in my right mind at the time, it still made me feel horrible for saying something so awful to him when considering that Shirou had a lot of blood on his hands just like me, which made me feel like an even bigger piece of shit so I wasn't sure if our friendship could ever be salvaged again.
Suddenly, I was shaken out of my thoughts when my abdomen let out a loud gurgling noise and that told me I was hungry so I holstered my dagger and looked up at the sky, then I realized how much time had passed by and hadn't noticed while I was caught up in the clutches of my troubled mind.
The evening sun was already on its way down and a chilling breeze signaled the incoming darkness, though I didn't want to return to the den and face the source of my troubles since I was still too wary of Shirou for what happened so that left me with quite the dilemma.
Things were still too raw for me right now so I wasn't ready to go back yet, not to mention the image of Shirou's look of feral rage in my mind made me even more hesitant about going back so for now, I could only focus on finding food to satisfy my empty stomach.
'Hmm...I should look for berry patches since those aren't too hard to track down,' I thought and with that in mind, I nimbly climbed down the tree and walked towards the creek shore.
After taking a moment to quench my thirst, I watched my reflection in the rippling water for an extended period while I became lost in thought, examining every detail of my silver and white fur that was still covered in mud, my dark blue eyes, and my lupine features.
Suddenly, my reflection changed to my human appearance as I was dressed in the black uniform and tactical gear that was standard issue for War Dogs operatives, only I had splotches of blood on me and my eyes carried an intense hateful stare.
Startled, I gasped and jumped to my feet when the reflection had gone back to normal in the blink of an eye but the presence of that haunting and sinister appearance still lingered in my mind, making the fur on my back and neck stand up.
"God, get a fucking grip...you're seeing things," I muttered uneasily while I ran a hand through my head fur anxiously.
I gave the rushing water one more before hastily moving my way across the stream, getting back to my original goal of tracking food so my nose would help out considerably considering how sharp my sense of smell was.
For the next forty minutes or so, I trekked in the woods with my lupine nose constantly sniffing around and I was starting to get a little irritated since tracking down a plant without Shirou's guidance proved the be way harder than I expected.
Sure, it wasn't a moving target, but that also meant a berry bush would leave no tracks for me to follow so the fact that I had yet to memorize its scent properly only made it more difficult, so searching for it in the middle of the forest was no different than trying to find a needle in a haystack.
Hunger was eating away at my stomach like acid and making me more and more irritable, leaving me in a very poor mood and I found a bush at some point, but unfortunately, all the berries had already been eaten by a passing animal and the caused my temper to flare up as I considered tracking down the culprit before killing and eating it, which caused my eyes to widen as I realized what I had just thought.
Were my beastman instincts acting up again? I shook my head and thought about how lately, those strange urges had been growing harder and harder to ignore like nagging voices constantly whispering in my ears.
For the most part, they would be a little more than ridiculous thoughts but they would also unnerve me sometimes so I frowned and gazed down at my hands while slowly flexing my clawed fingers, my eyes carefully taking in every detail on the soft black pads on my palms.
These were the paws of a beastman, a creature who walked on the thin line separating the world of humans from feral animals and I remembered that the first time I transformed after waking up in that forest on the mainland, I was terrified of those primal instincts constantly plaguing my mind during those first few weeks and fearing that they would eventually turn me into a savage, a mindless beast.
In the days that followed after arriving in Anima city, I struggled to suppress those urges and it took nearly a month to balance my human and beast sides as other beastmen do, and even then, it was mostly by sheer suppression.
Thankfully, I gradually learned to accept that new part of myself but lingering human inhibitions still prevented me from exploring the beastly aspects of my body outside of bursts of rage during extreme situations, so that felt like uncharted territory too unnerving to delve into until Shirou brought me to this mountain.
The forest seemed to call that primal side hidden deep within my core, encouraging it to awaken and flourish so I was becoming increasingly drawn to my primal animalistic side, finally giving in to its mysterious allure little by little...especially around Shirou if our frolicking around the woods earlier was any indication and whether that was good or bad was something I hadn't decided yet.
Huffing, I shook my head and pushed through the foliage as fallen leaves littered the forest floor in an endless blanket of browns and greens while they felt cold under my bare foot-paws, reminding me that I still wasn't wearing my shoes but that somehow didn't bother me and it was surprisingly soothing, in fact.
The air was heavy with scents of leaves, soil and moisture, and they only intensified whenever I rustled the surrounding bushes while I would sometimes see small animals such as squirrels and birds show up to take a peek at the stranger in their habitat, which I offered a friendly smile whenever they came closer with curious faces.
According to Shirou, humans had killed off all the bears and wolves that inhabited the mountains lining the whole island so without big predators, the wildlife became almost fearless and even beastmen like me hardly ever got a reaction from them other than curiosity.
Chuckling under my breath, I picked up a small nut from the ground and offered it to a grey squirrel on a nearby tree and it twitched its nose in a suspicious manner, then it slowly climbed down towards the treat and after a few soft-spoken words of encouragement from me, it gathered the courage to pick up the nut with its mouth before darting away as fast as possible.
Chuckling again, I crouched down and searched the leaves for more nuts when I suddenly caught a whiff of a new scent that got my attention, the familiar sharp coppery tang contrasting with the gentler smells of nature as it drifted in the breeze, then I tried to pinpoint the exact source until I spotted the red stained leaves.
I recognized it as blood and my ears perked up in alert, noting that the crimson substance was dry and I suppose that explains why I hadn't caught its weak scent but it didn't look that old and more splatters were visible farther ahead.
Intrigued, I stood up and followed the blood trail, flaring my nostrils as the scent gradually grew stronger and an uneasy feeling crept up my spine, especially when the stains became noticeably bigger, damper, and more pungent.
A voice deep inside my head warned me against continuing forward, certain that whatever awaited me at the end of the trail wouldn't be good news but I was simply too stubborn to give up now as my curiosity easily overcame all reluctance so I didn't know how much time had passed or how far I had trekked when the red blotches started looking more vibrant and wet, and I wouldn't be surprised if the blood was still warm until that's when I saw it.
The little Japanese serow was laying on its side, blood soaking its whole underbelly and saturating the dirt underneath its body as it turned the brown a deep shade of maroon, then there were the wheezing raspy breaths that left its nose and mouth while spurts of red liquid came out between each cough when the sight of a broken arrow sticking out of its paunch made my stomach sink with ice-cold realization as I recognized it as the serow that Shirou shot.
I covered my mouth in pure horror at the sight as I realized that with the day being so eventful, I had completely forgotten about the failed hunt and the thought of that animal suffering from a slow agonizing death while I blissfully played tag with Shirou made me want to throw up.
To make matters worse, the buck panicked as soon as it caught a glimpse of me approaching and it let out a loud strangle bleat while trying to stand up, only for its weakened legs to buckle from the mere strain and that sent it back down instantly, though the serow kept attempting again and again in a blind fear but each time led to it thrashing on the ground like a fish out of water.
"Don't!" I shouted and ran over to the struggling buck before tackling its body to the ground and locking my arms around its head.
The poor thing panicked even further and I could feel it trying to wrestle out of my grip but I was far too strong for it, though the sharp horns adorning its temples scraped my cheeks, neck and shoulders while I grimaced from the stinging pain.
Thankfully, exhaustion seemed to have claimed the buck's body soon enough as it went completely still in my arms while gasping and panting heavily, blood sputtering from its mouth and onto my arms with each labored breath but I waited for a minute until I relaxed my hold on the serow's head, convinced that it was too burned out to fight again and I let out a sigh of relief.
I leaned back and took a long look at the animal pinned underneath my legs and the raw fear shining in those bulging eyes made my heart ache with guilt, so if I hadn't had an episode during the hunt, Shirou would've made a clean kill and none of this unnecessary suffering would've happened.
Once again, I couldn't help but feel relentlessly judged by the surrounding forest, especially when the trees creaked and groaned under a gust of wind so, to me, it sounded like they were whispering to themselves and deciding a fitting punishment for my sins.
By now, a typhoon of emotions and thoughts raged within my head, their voices overwhelming my senses and merging into a buzzing white noise without much coherence but the one thing I could make out in all the chaos was what would I do next.
There were no predators to end the serow's agony and I was way too far from the den to get help from Shirou so I was all alone out here, then the image of the wolfman's enraged expression shut that idea down since there was a good chance he was still extremely pissed at me for uncovering that painting so I didn't want to risk agitating him by coming back to the den, not to mention that I was the cause of the serow's suffering so it was only fair for me to atone by putting the poor thing out of its misery.
With a deep nervous breath, I reached for the holster on my belt and pulled out the dagger until I found myself merely staring into the reflection on the curved blade, observing how my cuts had already healed up with no signs that I had ever been injured in the first place while my eyes showed glints of remorse, pain, and hesitance.
I wasn't sure if I could take another life again since my hands were already stained with the blood of my previous victims, beastmen who wouldn't be able to live their lives to the fullest or even so much as grow up to experience what life had to offer.
Hiding in the deepest confines of my mind, a creeping fear bared its menacing fangs...the fear of becoming that monster again by taking another life so I didn't want to become the cruel violent person I used to be and the longer I pondered over it, the heavier the dagger felt in my hand.
A snort brought my attention back to the buck in question, seeing it wiggle weakly under me for a moment before going still again and there was a low but sharp whistle to each wheezing breath leaving its blood-covered nostrils, a sound I wouldn't forget anytime soon.
I gulped down a non-existent knot in my throat and shifted the serow's front leg to expose more of its chest, holding the limb firmly when I was met with some resistance and now I had a good view of the subtle throb underneath the pectoral fur, a clear sign of the animal's still-beating heart and my hand trembled violently when I raised the dagger above it.
"Come on, you can do this," I muttered as my breathing started getting quicker.
Silence washed over the forest, saturating the atmosphere with ominous tension as the blade hovered over its target so I closed my eyes, pursed my lips in concentration, and did my best to muster all the strength and courage necessary for this difficult task when I suddenly got flashes of my time in War Dogs and the incident in the warehouse, making me let out a startled gasp and I dropped the dagger.
I felt like nothing more than a failure after recovering from my latest episode and I wondered what Shirou would think of me now because even after looking into the poor buck's eyes and witnessing its suffering in person, I couldn't even take responsibility for the pain I had caused so how could I even atone for the things I've done if I couldn't end an animal's suffering that I caused?
"I can't do it...I'm so sorry," I whimpered while my eyes teared up, and I raised them to meet the serow's.
However, much to my surprise, its eyes no longer expressed the terror of a prey animal fighting for survival and its gaze was mellow and distant instead, belonging to a creature who had long given in to exhaustion and blood loss so there was no fight left in that perishing body, even if its heart desperately insisted on beating so it was clear that the buck didn't have much time left.
The sight tugged at my heartstrings since the animal's pain was palpable and seeing my own face in its eyes made the burden of guilt feel even heavier on my shoulders while its tortured stare begged for my help, pleading for me to cut the last vital thread keeping the buck in the realm of the living so this was so unfair, but then again, nobody knows just how unfair life could be more than me.
My trembling hand closed around the dagger's handle so tight that it drained the blood from my knuckles, then I clenched my teeth as I slowly raised the blade above the serow's chest again, fixating my eyes on the spot where skin and fur throbbed with life.
Over time, my own heartbeat synchronized with the buck's as its erratic powerful drum deafened all other sounds in our surroundings so, in a way, I felt like an extension of the animal's body while its distress became mine in the form of an intense ache in my core, followed by fear and dread.
The horrific memories of my time in War Dogs and the incident in the warehouse came flooding back as I tried to keep it together when a cold tingling numbness soon ran over my fingers like the gentle touch of Death itself and I could almost see the dark entity kneeling next to me, holding the dagger-bearing hand in a soothing but unsettling gesture.
While fighting through the memories of my tortured bloody past, I let out a deep shaky breath and squeezed my eyes shut before lurching the blade down and a guttural anguished wail broke the silence of the forest as it scared all the nearby wildlife away, then it took a while for me to realize that the pained cry came from my own lips.
Each pump of the punctured heart made hot blood gush onto my hand, and although the sensation dredged up even more terrible memories that made me feel sick, I stayed in place until the organ finally stilled to a halt and the serow's eyes, ever so piercing in its final moments, glossed over as the last breath left its lungs and its languished body was now reduced to a limp empty vessel.
I was completely petrified and unable to look away from those lifeless eyes, the same god-awful lifeless expression I had seen many times before from beastmen whose lives I had taken over the years, whose blood I had on my hands.
An incomprehensible mix of emotions flooded my senses, only serving to stoke the burning ache growing in my chest and like an infection, it festered and contaminated every positive thought in my mind until there was nothing left but sorrow, guilt, and grief.
The concept of having given the serow a merciful humane end was all but forgotten and it didn't help that my arms, legs, chest, and shorts were covered in blood so when I looked down at myself, all I could see was the same monster and murderer I always had been.
Suddenly, water drops started falling on the dead animal's pelt, and at first, I thought it had started raining but it quickly dawned on me that those were my tears so every time I tried to wipe them off, the tears intensified tenfold and I soon found my whole body trembling with violent tortured sobs and whimpers.
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, oh god, oh god," I whispered repeatedly, chanting it like a mantra as I mostly apologized to all the innocent beastmen I had killed, all the families I had slaughtered, and all the babies I had strangled in their cribs but it did little to soothe the pain of guilt and remorse.
A warm palm gently rested on my shoulder, startling me as I whipped my head to the side and found myself staring into a familiar pair of icy-blue eyes but unlike the enraged gaze I had witnessed back at the den, Shirou's eyes were tender with unmatched warmth and a little hint of guilt as well.
They offered light amidst the suffocating darkness I was drowning in while also drawing me in like a flame so right now, I could care less about what happened in the den because all I knew is that I needed Shirou right now.
There was little hesitation when I threw myself into his arms and buried my face into his chest fur before bawling like a pup, letting out years of grief and anguish that had been building up ever since my parents were killed while in a matter of seconds, Shirou's fur was already soaked with tears but the wolfman didn't seem to mind it and simply wrapped his arms around my trembling body.
With a deep breath, Shirou rested his chin on the top of my head and slowly rubbed my back in soothing motions while letting out a quiet rumble that calmed me slightly as I let out a quiet whine of contentment and took in his scent, feeling so exhausted and mentally drained that I found myself drifting away after that.
After an unknown amount of time, I found myself stirring and opening my eyes was trickier than usual when considering how heavy and sore my eyelids felt, not to mention that a throbbing headache was hammering my skull as well so I groaned as I slowly rose up into a sitting position and tiredly rubbed my face.
Even in the dark of night, it was easy to tell I was back in the den as the gentle moonlight coming from the entrance lit up the place enough for me to spot Shirou's many murals but something seemed off since he usually would've lit a fire outside by now to provide light and warmth for the night, though the fire ring looked untouched instead.
'Wait, how the hell did I even get here in the first place?' I thought in confusion.
I furrowed my brows, trying to recall how I got back here and the last thing I remember was clinging to Shirou's chest while crying and sobbing inconsolably, making my cheeks flush pink in embarrassment since that had to be maybe the second time I did that so I really needed to stop crying around Shirou as it was becoming too much of a habit for my liking but it didn't take long for the embarrassment to become something darker.
Without the friendly glow of the fire, the den had become ruled by shadows as they seem to pulsate and reach out with thorny tendrils, slowly surrounding me in a fierce grip that squeezed my chest so I grunted at the sensation and felt puzzled while I wondered where this was coming from all of a sudden.
I tried to remember to get some answers and as the memories slowly returned, so did unwanted feelings of shame, sorrow, anxiety, and remorse that prickled my insides like pins and needles so I leaned back on my hands, burying my fingers in the soft pelts.
'Wait, pelts?' I thought as I did a double take at the sensation and looked down, realizing that I was resting on Shirou's bed.
Fluffy serow pelts were draped over the simple straw mattress and when my fingers combed through the long soft fur, I recalled seeing the same fur drenched in blood and for a moment, I could've sworn it throbbed in the familiar erratic pace of a dying heart so I'm guessing me killing a dying serow as an act of mercy wasn't a dream then.
A bittersweet expression crossed my features as I stroked the pelt and relished its softness, then I remembered everything now from the serow's terrified gaze to its final wheezing breath so the swarm of emotions that followed only worsened my pounding headache.
Sighing, I reached up to run my hand through my head fur but I froze once I realized there was still dried blood staining my body and a heavy weight dropped in my stomach, which led to powerful nausea that hit my senses like a punch so I jumped to my foot-paws and headed for a nearby water bucket Shirou kept for washing dishes, not thinking twice before dunking my bloodied hands in it.
For an extended period of time, I desperately tried to scrub my body clean to the point of rubbing whole patches of fur off and a hiss escaped my lips as the raw exposed skin stung throbbingly until it healed up and fur grew back until the crystalline water had turned a dirty maroon, both from fresh and old blood that was mixed with dirt.
After I was done cleaning myself and my body wasn't covered in blood or dried mud anymore, I sat against the wall with tired distressed eyes as my panicked burst seemed to have burned through too much energy too fast, and it left me lightheaded on top of the obnoxious headache already abusing my sanity.
Even though I had hurt myself in the process, at least getting rid of the red substance and the dried dirt caking my body brought me some peace of mind and the burning ache had kept me grounded away from the chaotic thoughts buzzing in my head that consists of a mixture of terrible memories, self-loathing, and grief so I probably deserve the pain anyway.
However, before the guilt could swallow me whole again, a bright blue glow seeped into the cave and washed over the floor while dispersing the shadows enveloping my body like cockroaches scrambling for shelter, then I squinted my eyes and quickly found my growing angst being replaced with intrigue and wonder since that looked far too bright to be just moonlight.
At first, I thought against pursuing the light's source and simply stayed still, waiting for any hint of danger in the safety of the den but as the minutes passed by, my curiosity grew harder and harder to ignore while it chewed on my fears and prodded my skull with increasing intensity until I finally gave in.
With a low groan, I carefully rose to my foot-paws and took hesitant steps toward the cave entrance as the pulsing glow was still strong enough to make my eyes burn when I looked out but, thankfully, it was only a matter of seconds until they adapted to it, allowing me to take the full view in and what I saw outside left me speechless.
About twenty meters away, the silver wolf sat underneath the gaze of the full moon, his fur flowing in the wind like flickering cyan flames while the grass around his paws rippled in a sea of green and when Shirou's long silky tail swept across the ground, fireflies flew up and circled the divine being as if rivaling the countless stars that glimmered amidst the night sky so it was truly a breathtaking view.
I was awestruck since I haven't seen the silver wolf ever since that day in the warehouse a while ago but everything was chaotic during that time so I didn't get a proper look, and considering how firm Shirou sounded when denying my previous request, I wondered what changed his mind.
I took in a deep breath before slowly and carefully walking toward the gigantic creature and even though he had his back turned to me, chances are his hearing would quickly pick up my approaching footsteps and I was proven right as his large left ear flicked back and he looked at me from the corner of his eye.
"You're awake," Shirou said, his voice sounding like a mixture of rumbling thunder and a growl so, in a way, I pictured it as the sound of rocks rolling inside a wooden barrel.
I stopped by his side and nodded, looking up to meet his glowing silver eyes and since I was in my beast form at the moment, the sheer size of the silver wolf just simply astounded me because even when standing up, I could barely reach halfway up his foreleg with my hands.
"So, how did I...I mean, I don't remember coming here," I muttered sheepishly.
"You cried yourself to sleep, so I carried you here," Shirou replied in a slow gentle tone that resounded deep within my body, giving me goosebumps but I also blushed at the thought of Shirou carrying me back to the den so I must've been so out of it that I passed out from shock.
"I saw what you did, so that couldn't have been easy for you, Doug," Shirou added and my whole body visibly stiffened with tension, then I frowned and sat down next to Shirou.
"It was my fault the buck was hurt so giving it mercy was the least I could do," I stated, my voice sounding thick with guilt.
"But again, it wasn't easy," Shirou said, his gaze looking even more piercing in the silver wolf form, staring straight into the depths of my mind and I couldn't help but wince.
"No...it wasn't, not after everything I've done in my life," I replied with a scowl.
The wind blowing between us brought forth a tense moment of silence as I shivered slightly and moved closer to the towering wolf god, basking in the warmth that emanated from his glowing body, then Shirou quietly curled his tail around me and I sent him a weak smile to show my appreciation of his kind gesture.
"I won't lie to you, you have done some pretty terrible things throughout your life that most people would condemn or vilify you for it but the fact that you are trying to atone for it shows that you've come a long way from being that hateful person so I'm very proud of you, Doug," Shirou told me logically as he turned his head to face me, trapping my eyes in the glowing sea of silver that was his own.
A gigantic wave of emotions swept through me and stole away my ability to form words so, somehow, Shirou's comment had left me completely floored as my mouth hung open as testimony to my shocked state of mind while I mentally scrambled around in search of a proper response to such a compliment so I shook my head to calm the cyclone raging inside and settled for the first emotion I could grasp, denial.
"Well, I sure as shit don't feel proud in the slightest because what I did to that poor thing was horrible, it was cruel, I...I made it suffer for an entire day, Shirou, so if I'm really trying to atone, then I'm doing a pretty shitty job of it," I grumbled, crossing my arms as my voice cracked into a low whimper at one time to express how emotional it made me bringing that up.
Shirou's intense gaze was firm and unreadable, which I found increasingly hard to bear so I adverted my eyes and sunk down into the warm fur in a feeble attempt to hide away from the looming claws of remorse.
"Doug, I was the one who shot that arrow, not you...just like how your parents' killer pulled the trigger to take their lives so it wasn't your fault," Shirou told me as his booming voice broke the silence again, its tone fierce but calm.
The impact of his words was immediate, my pupils shrinking down to pinholes as my blood turned freezing cold in my veins while simultaneously, the face of my parents' killer was summoned to the forefront of my mind as his look of anger sent shivers through my very bones, so I scowled and whipped my head around to face Shirou with a murderous glare that would make most people flinch.
"This isn't about my parents' killer," I hissed lividly while holding a seething look on my face, though Shirou remained unfazed by my hostility and maintained a firm expression.
"No, it isn't because this is about you, or more specifically, your habit of blaming yourself for everyone's actions," Shirou pointed out as his eyes narrowed into a piercing stare.
"But-" I tried to argue and was cut off.
"I know what you're doing, you're just trying to find any reason to convince yourself that it's impossible to redeem yourself so that you can continue that mindset where you don't deserve happiness, but you need to understand that such a burden can be devastating and will tear you apart in the end.
Keep walking on that path and you will destroy yourself," Shirou told me, his words like flying blades slashing at my defenses and a glint of anger shone in my eyes but it dimmed down as quickly as it sparked to life, turning into glistening tears pooling in the corners of my eyes but I gritted my teeth and looked away because as much as I hated it, he was right and I knew it.
"You seem to care an awful lot about me for someone who didn't think twice before breaking my fucking arm," I spat bitterly, causing Shirou to grimace and fold his ears back.
"Doug, I do care and it's why I don't like to see you hurting yourself...and I shouldn't have hurt you because it made things so much worse," Shirou whispered but in his current form, the words were still loud enough to resound deep in the earth beneath us.
My blue eyes widened at the admission since it sounded completely out of character for Shirou to make such a statement, considering how emotionally dry he tended to be so deep inside, my heart fluttered with excitement but I chose to hold it back rather than falling into his charm so easily and not to mention his words rang a bell in my mind.
"Is that why you turned into the silver wolf? You felt guilty for how you treated me so now you're trying to make me happy," I pointed out with a raised brow.
It was strange to witness the silver wolf himself look flustered so if it wasn't for his strong glow, I wondered if I would see the red on his cheeks but regardless, his lack of response confirmed my assumption and I found myself smirking knowingly.
"I care about you too, Shirou, which is why I was concerned when I saw that look on your face while you were staring at...you know," I said hesitantly, a little nervous about mentioning the painting since I wasn't sure how he would respond to it and I didn't want to press my luck after what happened last time when an annoyed growl escaped Shirou's lips.
"I've been dealing with these things for a thousand years now so I can take care of myself," Shirou grumbled and I raised a brow before gesturing back at the den with my thumb.
"Can you really? That painting was made with your own blood, Shirou, so nothing about that tells me you're doing fine by yourself," I pointed out and bringing that mural up earned me a warning glare from Shirou, but he managed to keep his temper under control this time and I knew that the reason why is that last thing either of us would want is for him to snap and upset me for a second time today, not to mention I had a point as well.
The next few minutes were spent in silence with me mentally mulling over the words we had just exchanged and I knew Shirou was doing the same, though for me, it was easy to lose myself in Shirou's soft fur and radiating warmth so I melted down into his pulsing light, feeling my thoughts become fuzzy among swirling daydreams so it was as if a veil of tranquility had draped itself over me.
Though now and then, such peace would be broken by flashes of a dead serow and a bloody dagger held in my hand so for a moment, I could swear I smelled blood in the air and looked down before realizing that my shorts were still stained with the dried substance so I scowled in disgust and inwardly scolded myself for having not changed back in the cave.
"Doug, I...I'm sorry for hurting you...you didn't know about that painting so I shouldn't have lost it like that," Shirou said suddenly with a deep sigh, his rumbling voice shattering the silence around us and startling me but I quickly recomposed myself and stared up at him with a pensive expression until I merely shook my head.
"No, I should be the one to apologize since I should've realized that maybe there was a reason for you to keep that painting hidden so I should've respected your boundaries and as for the painting, you don't have to tell me everything and I won't pry," I stated, letting him know that I was respecting his privacy from now on and would wait until he was ready to open up about his past more.
"But maybe I want to..." Shirou trailed off and my eyes shot wide open since that was new.
When I glanced at him, Shirou seemed to be aimlessly staring ahead while appearing distracted but I knew better because even in this form, I could still recognize the telltale signs of distress in his posture so right now, it was obvious he was tense, conflicted, and purposely avoiding my gaze.
"What do you mean?" I asked and Shirou opened and closed his mouth several times, struggling to find the right words to express himself until he shook his head with an annoyed growl.
"Forget it," Shirou said firmly before looking away from me.
A pang of disappointment hit me since Shirou had come incredibly close to opening up about something very sentimental, only to shut me out but instead of causing a sting of rejection this time, it made my stomach flutter with excitement since Shirou had expressed a wish to share more of his life with me.
That mural still lingered in my mind and the fact that such a tender and intimate painting had been made with Shirou's own blood only intensified my concerns but perhaps, rather than press the ancient god for answers, I should simply wait because if Shirou truly wanted to talk about it with me, he would open up about it once he's ready.
"Look, it's alright if you don't want to tell me about that painting but I'm always willing to listen if you change your mind, Shirou. You know that, right?" I pointed out and Shirou gave me a long analytical stare that dissected my very soul, then stiffly nodded so while it might not have been the most reassuring answer, it was still good enough for me.
"Great, now could you lie down for me? I want to take a proper look at the legendary silver wolf," I requested as I tapped on his leg.
Shirou rolled his eyes and scoffed, but complied either way as he laid down and once his stomach was on the ground, I merely started examining every inch of his massive body and studied his godly form with a detached clinical interest.
His size was impressive as he was bigger than a large semi-truck with his fur having an interesting pattern at his sides that ended up to his back, then there was the same fur pattern on his forehead that I had seen while he was in his beast form while the firey cyan aura was fascinating to look at.
His limbs, torso, and haunches had powerful muscles that would most likely enable him to jump and move to long distances in seconds while his teeth were looking very sharp, sharp enough to render an M1 Abrams tank or Apachie helicopter in half while his claws appeared to be sharp enough to slice through solid steel like butter.
As for the wing-shaped protrusions, I studied them with a look of intrigue since it was unlike anything I had seen before so when I felt them, I noted that they were as hard as steel and that explained how he was able to slice through Yaba as if he were nothing.
"Magnificent...so this is what I'll be able to become at will," I breathed out in astonishment.
Shirou gazed upon me with wistful ancient eyes that glimmered with unmeasurable knowledge so, in my point of view, he fit the role of a god so well since his mythical form combined with the elegant sphynx-like posture and impassive expression could've been sculpted in stone as an idol to be worshipped so I couldn't help but feel privileged to witness such beauty.
"The silver wolf was born from over two thousand slain souls...they were beastmen of countless different races, whether they are covered in fur, feathers, or scales so this form is the result of all those souls and their blood fusing into mine," Shirou explained with that same thunderous voice, though it carried an edge of sorrow this time and I nodded slowly as I approached his head again.
"You're incredible," I muttered with a soft sincere smile as I started running my hands through the fur on his cheeks, making Shirou scoff stubbornly as he leaned into my touch.
"Be honest, you're just happy to have a bigger lap dog," Shirou grumbled and I chuckled at that.
"No, I'm just happy you kept your word in the end so thank you, Shirou," I replied as I stroked his big lupine snout and suddenly leaned in to nuzzle my own snout against his affectionately.
The unexpected gesture made Shirou's eyes widen almost comically, followed by some flickering of his divine glow as he quickly turned his head away so I didn't know why I had the urge to nuzzle my snout against Shirou's but it didn't bother me all that much since it felt right.
Still, I resumed caressing his head, ears, and face as I let out a content rumble and the forest surrounding us seemed to vanish, replaced with a world of pure warmth and bliss while Shirou appeared to no longer bother to resist the touch of my massaging hands, especially when they dug into the thick mane of his neck so I couldn't help but feel amused at the sight of Shirou's massive tail starting to wag so I wasn't ever going to forget this experience for as long as I lived.
A/N Hey guys, looks like that was a nice end to this chapter and I think it was needed after what Doug went through so he deserves some kind of happiness after everything he's been through, though the next chapter will show Doug learning how to transform into his wolf god form, how to move and maneuver in it, glide, combat training, and how to use the sonic roar so I hope you're ready for that.
Well, let me know what you think and stay tuned.
