AN: Thanks for those who have been reviewing but I'd really love to see more. If not enough of you are interested in me continuing this story then I won't and will work on different stories that I still need to finish instead. This chapter is from Derek's point of view and is more of a filler chapter until they have the opportunity to see each other face to face again. Enjoy!

Life had been particularly grueling the past month. My case load seemed to get heavier and heavier after Thanksgiving and into Christmas and my personal life felt like it was hanging on by a thread. My resident had been on my ass non-stop for the extra time I took off at Thanksgiving. She didn't care that I hadn't seen my daughter at that point in almost 5 months. She assigned me to the pit over and over and just when she seemed past that punishment put me on nonstop rectals and post ops. She finally backed off with Christmas when I worked a double and my normally chipper mood was dissolved into a few grunts here and there. It was my first Christmas ever spent without my family and my first Christmas since Emma had born that I hadn't spent it with her and Meredith. Meredith and I were barely speaking and my video calls with my daughter were getting less and less frequent between my non-stop work schedule, the time difference and with Susan and Thatcher taking two weeks off and spending that time in Seattle. To say I was miserable didn't even scratch the surface. My resident seemed to pick up on this and let up just enough to make the difference.

I was just getting off my latest 72-hour shift when a group of friends from the hospital invited me to join them at the pub. It was a good group that Mark and I seemed to fit in with well. There was John and Katie. They were together. It didn't take them long after we met each other for them to realize they were in love. Matilda who is brilliant. Probably the one to beat in our intern class and then Veronica. Veronica and I had slept together a few times. It was never serious for me, and she knew that. We stopped sleeping together a few months back when she realized that I never wanted it to go anywhere, and she did. We were on friendly terms and mostly past the weird patch we had been in for a while.

Our shift ended at 4pm which was possibly slightly too early to start drinking but I was in a drinking mood, and everyone was tired of my attitude and restlessness. I was also exhausted but the thought of a cold one after the worst Christmas of my life and an all-around terrible month felt like something I couldn't resist.

"Single Malt Scotch" I told the server as I piled into a booth with my friends. I was the last in besides Veronica who sat beside me and had the end seat.

"Same for me" I heard Mark echo. The rest of the drink orders were lost on me.

Our friends were chatting amongst themselves, and I was lost in thought. I needed to figure out how I could get another few days off work to fly out to Seattle. I needed to fix things with Meredith and see my daughter. I couldn't risk pissing off my resident again but working the double on Christmas felt like a good start.

"Is Lexi coming out tonight, Mark?" Veronica asked pulling me out of my thoughts.

"No, she's in Seattle visiting her sister." Mark replied glancing over at me briefly with a sorry look on his face. He knew Meredith and I weren't on the best of terms, and he constantly seemed to tiptoe around the subject.

"Oh" Veronica responded. She avoided eye contact with Mark and started fiddling with her bag.

Veronica knew that Lexi was my child's mother's sister. She would get weird around Lexi sometimes and I wondered if it bothered her to be around her because of my past with Meredith. I knew Veronica had deeper feelings than me, but I wasn't sure why it was such a weird thing for her.

"I've always wanted to go visit the space needle" John replied before wrapping an arm around Katie. The last thing I wanted was to talk about Seattle right now.

"Who doesn't?" Mark replied.

When the bartender dropped off my drink, I instantly brought it to my lips and closed my eyes as I felt the sensation run down my throat. Ah, hello old friend.

"Shep, how's your daughter?" Katie asked me.

"Oh who cares, no offense" Matilda who we call Tilly piped in. She reminded me a lot of Meredith's friend Cristina.

I smiled thinking about Emma but then remembered that I didn't really know because I hadn't spoken to her in over three days and instead of trying to do a video call with her now, I was drinking at the bar with a bunch of interns that I had been with all-day every day when I should have been with my daughter.

"Good" I replied simply. I really didn't want to think about how once again I've failed her and how Meredith hadn't really spoken to me in a month and how badly it made me feel that my daughter now had a Christmas memory that didn't involve me.

Mark instantly tried to change the subject "Did you guys see that motorcycle wreck guy Gates got in on?"

"I bet that surgery was amazing. I was stuck doing Bird's post ops" I heard one of them say. I was dissociating.

Matilda, Katie, and John all jumped on the opportunity to talk about the amazing surgeries going on at the hospital. I envied how focused they all got to be all the time. I always felt like I was torn between two places.

"So, what's going on with you?" Veronica asked quietly.

She pulled me from my thoughts, and I locked eyes with her looking into her deep brown eyes.

I took another long sip of my drink. I shrugged knowing I had to supply something, or she wouldn't drop it "Holidays, I guess"

"Most people are lot happier than you are right now around this time of year" she replied light heartedly taking her own sip of whatever it was she was drinking. It looked like a white wine.

"I'm not most people" I replied trying to keep my response light. I really wasn't trying to talk about my feeling.

"Oh, I know that. You're much more interesting." She replied coolly.

I scoffed and gave her a smile "I need another" I told her now motioning to my empty glass and she moved to let me out of the booth.

I made my way up to the bar and took a seat sighing. When the bartender made his way over, I let him know what I was drinking, and he was fast to take care of me. I stayed sitting at the bar for a moment and then felt someone slip next to me.

"It's getting a little crowded over there" she motioned to the table I was previously sitting at.

I looked over to see Mark looking at me. I couldn't read his face. I knew that me dating put him in a weird position because of Lexi. When I was first seeing Veronica and Lexi would come around, I could tell it made her feel weird. I asked her once about it and asked if she told Meredith about what I was up to. Not because I was doing anything wrong or that I felt guilty because I didn't but because I could see why Lexi would want to share that with her sister. Lexi simply told me "Meredith wouldn't want to know." We always left it at that and never talked anymore about it.

"I get that" I told Veronica looking away from Mark and back at her. Mostly because I did get it.

"You haven't been yourself lately" she prodded looking at me. She always tried to act like my girlfriend when she wasn't and would never be.

I let the burn of the Scotch warm my throat before replying "I haven't felt like myself lately." I replied honestly. At this point I was feeling the drinks and what did I really have to hide from this woman.

"Is it the case load?" she asked swirling her glass and taking her own swig.

"No" I responded quickly. I could do the case load. I loved the case load. The problem wasn't my job.

"I know Bird's been tough on you lately" she replied mentioning our resident who I really didn't want to think about right now.

"It's not the hospital" I repeated with a bit of an edge to my tone. I hated being prodded like this when I wasn't in the mood to talk.

"Is it your family?" she asked.

What a loaded question.

When I didn't say anything, she continued "Usually when anyone asks you about Emma you don't stop talking about her. Tonight, you barely said a word when Katie asked."

I stayed silent for a while.

"Okay, I can take a hint. I'll leave you alone" She replied moving to get up.

"You're very observant." I told her before she left breaking the silence, I put there.

"Probably just when it comes to you" she told me.

I smiled at her "I'm sorry. I get what it's like to want something and not be able to have it." I was sincere.

"Your daughter's mom?" she asked

"Meredith" I told her taking a sip of my drink and enjoying what her name sounded like on my lips.

"Right Meredith" she replied.

"You know, I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I didn't realize that it was going to be this hard" I admitted looking down into my drink. I wasn't trying to be an ass to anyone ever. I was just exhausted and burned out and I missed my family terribly.

She put her hand on my shoulder "Derek, if you need anything you know you can come to me. I care about you, and I wish you could see how great you are instead of beating yourself up all the time." She told me and I felt bad for always pushing her away so much. She was a great person, but my heart beats for Meredith Greys and no matter how hard I tried with Veronica, I couldn't get Meredith out of my head.

"Thanks" I told her sincerely offering a smile.

"Maybe, we could get out of here just go talk somewhere-"she started but I cut her off when I felt my phone buzzing. It was Lexi's cell wanting to do a video call.

"Excuse me" I told Veronica and made my way out of the bar. I didn't even wait to hear her reply before I was out of my seat, answering the call.

My daughter's face came onto the screen "Daddy!" she exclaimed excitedly, and I couldn't help the grin that overtook my face.

"Hi Emma" I breathed looking into her shining face. Her hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail with some of her ringlets framing her face. She was wearing what looked to be a reindeer sweater and had something chocolate smeared across her face.

Susan came into view and tried wiping her face with a wet towel.

"Hi Derek" Susan told me absently while trying to get whatever was on my daughter's face off her.

"We made bwonies daddy!" Those damn r's were still hard for her, and I smiled despite myself.

"I can see it all over your face baby" I told her. I was so happy I could burst.

"Miss Emma had the time of her life making brownies with us today. She was so excited she had to call you." Susan piped in out of view of the camera.

"I wish I could have one" I told Emma pouting.

"I make you some" Emma told me nodding her head.

"You did?" I asked

"Have bite" she said and suddenly the view was of a giant brown object, and I aggressively pretended to eat the brownie up. She laughed and laughed loving my antics.

"Delicious Emma!" I told her enthusiastically.

"Silly daddy you can't eat my bwonie" she told me still laughing.

I pouted again "I thought you said you made it for me."

"No, these for me!" she told me as if it was the funniest thing in the world and her laugh turned into the loudest giggle.

"I twicked you!" she exclaimed. She loved doing little pranks sometimes.

I shook my head "You got me good." I told her playing along. She laughed and laughed even more, and I could hear Susan and Lexi laughing in the background along with my daughter. I couldn't help but laugh too. This was the best medicine in the world.

"I got you good" she repeated with a smile when the laughter died down.

"Besides the brownies, what else did you do today?" I asked her.

She babbled on about her day and I listened intently. I finally noticed for the first time during that call that it was freezing outside and that my face was only lit up by the bar sign to my right. People were passing me by making their way into the bar. I finally got the sense to check my watch and it was 7pm. I also realized that I didn't see or hear Meredith on the call at any point.

"Em, where's mommy?" I asked

"She out" Emma replied casually.

"She's out with a new friend she made at school." Susan interjected coming into view and pulling Emma's hair out of her face. I don't know why what Susan said didn't sit right with me like maybe they were avoiding that question and that they were being very vague about who she was out with. I decided not to press it and turned my attention back to my daughter and her day.

Emma and I talked for a while more before Susan told her it was time for dinner. I felt my own stomach grumble and decided I'd go back in order some food and finish my night with my friends. Suddenly, my spirits felt much warmer.

I got very unlucky on New Year's Eve and was assigned to scut cases. I had a lot of down time and started studying for my intern exam. I needed the best score possible to get into Seattle Grace's resident program. They were one of the best in the country and along with multiple recommendations, my score was going to be key.

After several hours studying, I decided to call Meredith and see how she was. I had video called with Emma earlier in the day, but Meredith I still hadn't had a proper conversation since Thanksgiving.

The line rang a few times before she answered. I looked at my watch and it was 11:30pm my time.

"Hello" she answered

"Hey Mer" I told her sitting up and tucking my knees together on the gurney I was currently occupying.

"How are you?" she asked. It wasn't exactly warm, but she wasn't being cold either.

"I'm alright. I've been on scut all shift so I've had a lot of time to study."

"That's good Derek" she replied and then there was a pause.

"How have you been?" I asked trying to keep the conversation going.

"Good. Busy." She replied. She didn't seem like she was in the mood to talk but I didn't want to put this off any longer. I hated how we left things in New York.

"Well school's been out for almost a month, you can't be too busy" I replied lightheartedly. I was trying to lighten the mood and figure out what was new in her life.

"I'm raising a child full time. When is my life not busy" she responded sharply. I must have offended her, but I wasn't trying to.

"Right, yeah, you're um right. Are you excited for your classes to start back up?" I asked.

"Derek, can I call you some other time?" she replied immediately. There was an edge to her voice that I knew well. One that told me she didn't want to talk to me and that she was still mad about the fight we got into in my parents' basement.

"Oh, yeah sure." I told her quietly.

"It's just that I have some friends over and I don't want to be rude."

"Of course – yeah I guess call me sometime when you're free."

"Bye Derek"

"Wait Mer"

"Yeah?"

"Happy New Year. I was really just calling to say that and to let you know that this year is going to be a lot better."

"I hope so." She told me dropping her façade for a moment. There was a lot underlying in that phrase and I wanted to talk to her about everything, but she had company and didn't want to be tied up on the phone.

"It will be. I promise." I assured her hoping that it wasn't an empty promise this time.

"Happy New Year Derek."

She hung up the phone after that and that same feeling I got when Susan told me she was out with a friend returned. Before Thanksgiving she didn't really seem like she had any friends in Seattle. At least not ones good enough to hang out with. I was happy for her if she was making friends because she needed support out there but part of me worried if maybe she was seeing someone. The thought felt like I was being stabbed so I decided not to think about it anymore.

I returned to my studying before my pager when off "911 in the pit"

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