The astro-glacier loomed over them, a beautiful misshapen iceberg suspended in space. Starbug flew in low for a closer look.

"Where'd it come from?" asked Cat, watching it through the plexiglas viewscreen.

Kryten tapped away at a keyboard. "Unknown. It's allotropically modified, surrounded by an envelope of luminous gasses. Must've formed over the past few million years."

"Shall we investigate?" asked Kochanski.

"Water supplies are low, ma'am. If the ice is uncontaminated, it could prove useful."

Nodding, Kochanski started inputting the commands for a scan of the ice, and they waited for the results. To their astonishment, they found something in the center – a great big whopping starship. They brought Starbug in for a landing, bundled themselves up in the warmest of winter wear, and disembarked down the embarkation ramp and into the depths of the glacier.

They blasted the ice with bazookoid fire for at least fifteen minutes, forcing their way down to the ship's airlock door, guided by the psi-scan. They dug and shifted through the ice, slipping and gliding their way down until they finally came face-to-face with a rusted door. Rimmer and Cat blasted it a few times before the lock finally broke, and it swung open with a nasty loud creak.

Kryten managed to log onto the mainframe, and he read off the ident details. "It's the 'Leviathan', ma'am, a 23rd century JMC supply ship. Engines are dead: power overload; looks like they were running from something."

"Any idea what?" asked Rimmer.

"Not yet, sir… Wait! I'm picking up a life sign!"

"What, really?" asked Kochanski, taking a peek for herself. The idea that anyone could live down here in a literally frozen hell.

"Confirmed, ma'am!"

Cat scoffed, wrapping his fur coat around himself. "Probably the Abominable Snowman on his summer vacation."

They clambered through the icy steel floor and followed the life sign into another room. They found several frozen corpses littering the floor – their expressions of twisted horror and pain.

"My god," murmured Rimmer, trying not to look directly at them.

"Look at them all!" exclaimed Kryten. "Their faces suggest some sort of great trauma! Twisted into such agony – what could they have seen?!"

"Maybe their football team lost," suggested Cat.

They crept further into the ship's drive room, stepping over the corpses until they found a long rectangular block of ice sitting on a table. Cat came sniffing in first, and he brought their attention to the barely-visible outline of a person inside.

"It's here!" announced the Cat. "There's a woman in there!"

Kryten scanned the ice while Rimmer and Kochanski hovered behind him. "Confirmed. According to her JMC ident chip, her name is Caroline Carmen, and she was a supply officer on Red Dwarf!"

Rimmer frowned. "Name rings a bell," he murmured. "I think she got reposted to Titan."

"Did you know her?" asked Kochanski.

"Maybe in passing. She might be one of the two brunettes from supplies that Lister and I tried flirting with once."

Kochanski snickered. "Wait, you and Dave actually went on the pull together? Really? Was he your wingman?"

"If he was, he was a lousy one. I suggested a little trip to Titan Zoo and you said, 'Eww! He's taking ya home ta meet his mum already!'"

"I've seen photos of your mum. That's not far off."

"True." He peered at the figure in the block of ice intently. "How'd she wind up like this? None of the others were."

"Not sure, sir," said Kryten. "But the life signs are coming from within the block of ice."

"Should we take her aboard?" asked Kochanski.

"Worth a try, ma'am."

"Good. And if she's really alive in there, maybe you can try flirting again."

Rimmer rolled his eyes as they each took a side and proceeded to try and take her back to Starbug.


It took a few hours, but once they had her in the medi-bay, they set to work. Rimmer, Cat and Kochanski set about the defrosting process while Kryten started siphoning the water from the glacier. After an hour, however, they hadn't made any progress.

"It doesn't make sense," said Cat. "This place is warmer than a room with Brigitte Nielsen in a coconut bra and the ice still isn't melting."

"It's almost as if the ice hasn't encased her," said Kochanski, studying it closely. "I'm beginning to think she's projecting the ice."

"How?"

"Who knows?" said Rimmer, rubbing his eyes after almost falling asleep for the fifth time. "Maybe she's using it as some sort of protection."

"Can't we just laser it?" asked the Cat.

Kryten shook his head. "That could damage the body, sir. Recommend we wait until the chemical analysis results are completed in the morning."

With nothing else to do, they left the room nice and warm before returning to their normal duties. They popped back in every couple hours or so, but nothing changed. No trace of melting ice. Not even a few drops on the floor.

Deciding they'd leave it 'til morning, they all went to their respective quarters and went to bed. Rimmer got into his pale blue pajamas and got into the bunk, wrapping himself up in the nice cozy red sleeping bag. He buried the side of his head in the pillow and let himself drift off into a pleasant dream. He'd been having the dream frequently lately. He told himself he'd just been trapped on Starbug too long, so he allowed himself to enjoy it.

"Hard day at work, Arnie?"

Rimmer sat his briefcase down on the settee before thumping down in his easy chair. "Oh, god, you have no idea. Feldman just doesn't know how to run a multimillion dollar corporation. He keeps needing me to cover for him with the board of directors."

Nirvanah tutted, getting up from her desk and taking a moment to stretch before sauntering over to him, her petite hips swaying back and forth. She placed her nice rear on the chair arm and draped her own arm around his shoulders. "Wanna tell me about it?"

Rimmer leaned into her. "No, you shouldn't have to stop your world-saving cancer research just because my boss is a gimboid."

She giggled and leaned down to kiss the side of his neck. "Now you know I always look forward to making you feel better," she said between kisses. "Is this helping?"

Trying not to give in right away, Rimmer leaned back and put a hand through her hair. "Mmmm, I suppose…," he said semi-petulantly.

"Well, what if I did it over here…?" she asked, nibbling closer to his ear.

"Ohhh, yes, ma'am," he groaned, pressing the back of her head while she wrapped her arms around him. He could feel the hot breath on her shoulder. He could smell something a bit foul. He wrinkled his nose and became strained to see in the dark of his sleeping quarters, confused as he felt hands on his naked body. To his alarm, he could just about make out his discarded pajamas on the floor nearby.

"Nirvanah…?" he asked hopefully.

He looked and saw a mound of matted hair in the dim light. He heard a strange grunting and felt the slender yet rough hands on his body.

"Kris, this better not be you," he said, his alarm rising. "Lights!"

The lights came on, and he squinted through his contracting irises to see his unwanted bunkmate. Rotting flesh, blank eyes, matted hair, ruined clothes – all in close proximity to his semi-naked body.

Well, he'd think later, at least it wasn't Kochanski.

Instinct took over, and Rimmer promptly kicked the decaying woman a few times until she went flying out of his bunk and onto the floor. He scrambled to his feet and just barely managed to slap his hand across an emergency button, sounding an alarm, before those disgusting hands grabbed his shoulders and pulled him to the floor with remarkable strength.

Groaning in pain, Rimmer let out a high-pitched shriek of terror as this old hag started forcing herself on him. He struggled to force her away, but every time he grabbed a part of her, a piece broke off. He tried to squirm his way out, but she possessed a rabid determination he didn't think zombies capable of.

Then, she kissed him. Not just kiss him. She frenched him. She stuck her tongue right down his throat, and he gurgled with horror, her dead empty eyes stared into his, and he knew he'd be having nightmares about them for the rest of his life.

Then, he heard footsteps in the background, and they skidded to a halt in the doorway. He looked up and saw in his upside down vision Kryten and Kochanski looking simultaneously horrified and disgusted. He tried to scream at them for just standing around when they should be saving him, but he couldn't talk with a petrified zombie tongue in his mouth.

In an instant, however, Kochanski ran in and gave the zombie a fierce kick in the ribs, probably breaking half of them in the process, and sending her flying across the room into the opposite wall, sliding down into a heap on the floor.

"Oh my god, are you okay?!" Kochanski shrieked, dropping to her knees to check on Rimmer. "Oh my god, Rimmer, are you okay?!"

Rimmer had to take a few moments to compose himself – not to mention spit furiously all over the floor. "Ugggggghhhhh!" he shuddered. "I'll gargle, brush and floss for the rest of time, and I will always taste it!"

Kryten inspected the corpse with the psi scan, frowning in confusion at the readings he got. "Goodness," he announced. "She's dead, sir! In fact, according to this, she's been dead for three million years!"

Kochanski frowned. "Wait, she is? But the life signs…?"

"Indeed, ma'am, and more importantly – where did they go?"

They stared at each other for a long moment, and then they noticed that Rimmer had fallen unconscious.


Thirty minutes later, they'd scanned Rimmer with the medi-unit and wrapped him in a blanket. He'd started sweating profusely and shivering, his head swimming as he swayed uneasily in his seat at the scanner table. Kochanski made him some warm tea, but he didn't take much interest in it.

Cat had joined them, but he didn't want to catch whatever Rimmer had, so he kept a handkerchief to his mouth and nose to protect his gorgeous immune system.

"This is like the head cold from hell," Rimmer moaned.

Kochanski patted his hand. "Well, on the plus side, we finally know for sure – she was definitely into you."

"Really? Now? You're cracking jokes now?"

"Oh, like you wouldn't be just as bad if I were the one with a disembodied tongue down my throat."

"No, I wouldn't!"

"Yes, you would!"

" … Yes, I would."

Cat nodded, briefly lowering his handkerchief. "Same. I would take part in that as well."

Kryten interrupted the attempts at humor with a serious expression. "Well, I've seen the results from the medi-scan, sir. There's a foreign substance in your blood, sir. I recognize the DNA."

"Is that good or bad?" asked the Cat.

"It's the Epideme Virus, sir – a manmade virus created as a rival to the nicotine patch. Epideme was an intelligent virus designed to block all neural sensors connected to nicotine cravings. Unfortunately, it went too far, and it started blocking signals telling the body it needed blood and oxygen as well."

"Is that why the Carmen chick looked like the centerfold for this month's 'Play Zombie'?"

Kryten nodded, glad the Cat could keep up for once. "Precisely. It's virtually unstoppable. For the first forty-eight hours it consumes its host, then hijacks the corpse and goes looking for a new victim… When it can't find one, it freezes the body and waits."

Cat's eyes widened. "So, the life signs on the Leviathan…"

Kochanski followed his train of thought. "Didn't belong to Carmen, but to the parasite inhabiting her body," she said, glancing at Rimmer. "Which passed to you the moment she… well…"

Rimmer glared at her. "Go on. Say it. It finally happened. Even a dead woman didn't actually want to be with me." He frowned as he considered that sentence, then shook his head. "Sorry, I'm feverish. Having trouble concentrating on decent sarcasm."

Kryten drummed his finger together for a moment before continuing. "There's one option, sir…," he said, sounding like he couldn't believe his next sentence. "I believe you might have a chance if you, well, reason with it."

"Reason with what?"

"The virus. After all, it is intelligent."

They all stared blankly at him.

Rimmer wiped the sweat from his forehead. "Sorry, Krytie, my fever's getting worse. It sounded like you just said I need to reason with my virus."

Nevertheless, Kryten pressed on. "If we can patch in the universal translator, it might just be possible to talk to it. I believe it's your only chance, sir."


Rimmer sat awkwardly in the hard white chair of the medical unit while the others hovered around him. Kochanski had to dab at this sweaty forehead with a napkin so the electrodes didn't fall off. Kryten fiddled with the computers for a moment before addressing him.

"It's a long shot, I know, but if we can reason with it, we might persuade it to leave. Now, remember: be charming."

Rimmer rolled his eyes. "Kryten – there's a virus coursing through my veins ready to turn me into a zombie popsicle. What little charm I already possess is not feeling very charming right now."

Kochanski patted his arm. "Just try, okay? It's all we've got right now."

"And if that doesn't work," added the Cat, "try kissing ass. You're good at that, at least."

Kryten patched in the Universal Translator, a floating holographic screen spun into existence. On it rendered something akin to a pulsating animated Julia Set fractal in colors of red and green.

"And a great big 'Hello!' to all you out there in Flesh-and-Blood Land!" a voice bellowed, making them all jump.

The voice sounded to Rimmer like a cross between a game show host and the plant from 'Little Shop of Horrors'.

"Tonight, Arnold Rimmer – vending machine commander, aspiring artiste, and war geek, this is your death! Your line!"

Rimmer looked between the floating blob and Kryten, overwhelmed in his feverish state.

"I take it we're speaking to the Epideme Virus?" the mech asked awkwardly.

"Give the man an eyebrow!" the virus smarmed. "Hey, I'm feeling generous – give him two!" Leaving Kryten lost for words, Epideme addressed his host. "Arnie – let's run down the rules. If you win – you get to live. If I win – you get to die, and I take all your knowledge before I kill you!"

Rimmer's eyebrows met in a dazed head-on collision. "You absorb knowledge from every person you kill?"

"And let me tell you, you're not really a career highlight. No offense, but why the hell do you know what Napoleon had for breakfast before Waterloo?"

Rimmer shifted awkwardly, annoyed that the virus made him feel self-conscious. "Seemed important at two-thirty in the morning…"

Kochanski held her hands up like a referee. "Okay, hold on. Staying on topic – how do you justify killing Rimmer to stay alive?"

"He ate chicken for supper last night. How can you justify killing that?

Rimmer's nostrils flared indignantly. "I didn't kill it! It was already dead!"

"But you still consumed it. Drew strength from it. Kind of like what I'm doing to you…"

"I'm a human being! I rank a little higher than a chicken!"

"How so?"

"Well, I can think! I have thumbs! I can contribute to society!"

"And just how does painting toy soldiers 'contribute to society'?"

"More than pacing a chicken coop through my own feces!"

Epideme laughed mockingly. "Oh, Arnie, come on. We both know you haven't contributed a damn thing. What's a worthless little smeghead like you got to live for? Last guy alive in a godless universe, less popular than the cleaning droid – just see this as putting down a mangy mongrel and accept it."

Kochanski scowled and leaned forward. "You're a virus! A disease! You cause nothing but death! At least he could potentially bring more life into the universe!"

Cat made a face. "If we're going to get this disgusting, I'm leaving."

Epideme tutted. "Oh but Kristine – the human race is the ultimate virus! It started on Earth and spread across the stars! It ruined everything it touched! Hell – it even created me! Is that the race you want to unleash with his two sad little testicles?"

"We can't control what our descendants do. We just have to give them a chance. Like he deserves a chance."

Even as his head swam from the virus in his system, Kochanski's words still gave Rimmer a comforting feeling, and he pointed a determined finger at the Epideme's visage. "Okay, fine. If I can't reason with you, we'll find some other way to get rid of you. Medical science created you. Medical science can get rid of you."

"Can't wait to see you fail," Epideme replied with vicious amusement. "Then I'll go for one of the others."

Kochanski's eyes widened. "What do you mean 'one of the others'?"

"Ohhhh, I could go for any of you!"

"But Miss Kochanski and I are electronic life forms!" objected Kryten. "You can't affect us!"

"That was true a long time ago," explained Epideme sagely, "but I've accumulated the knowledge of so many life forms over the centuries, I've learned how biological warfare can infect electronic circuitry. If one of you goes down, the rest of you are coming, too!"

Cat's immaculate face paled in horror. "And then we all snog each other at least once? Just shoot me now and get it over with!"

"Time for your species to check out, Arnold. See you later for round two?"

Rimmer ripped the electrode from his forehead and slumped briefly before giving the others a hard look. "Let's get to work."


Rimmer remained in the medi-bay, going over whatever he could find in the computer's database about the Epideme Virus, but it didn't have anything worth helping with. All the while, he felt the virus spreading throughout his body and having fun with his innards, almost like it turned his intestines into balloon animals.

To his relief, Kryten and Kochanski came to see him, their expressions anxious but firm.

"Well, sir," said Kryten in a heavy voice, "we think we've come up with a plan."

"And we need you to promise you're going to have an open mind," added Kochanski. "Completely open."

"My mind is open," said Rimmer, still impatient in his weakened state.

"And remember you told us to think of a plan no matter how drastic?" asked Kryten.

"I remember. Get on with it."

Kochanski took a deep breath and blurted it out as quickly as she could. "We want to cut off your arm."

Eyes widening, Rimmer sat up a little straighter. "What?!"

Kochanski held up her hands placatingly. "Open mind, remember?"

"Cutting my arm off closed it up again!"

"We reckon we can use antivirals to send Epideme into your arm," Kochanski explained, speaking carefully and deliberately. "We just need to set a precise pattern along your bloodstream, and once it's in there, we'll trap it and hack off your limb."

"I was with you until you said 'hack'."

"It's our only chance to save you. Which would you rather be – a leftie or a deadie?"

Rimmer rubbed his face with his hands. He figured he might as well while he still had both. "God, I can't believe it's come to this."

"It's our only chance to save you, sir," Kryten said emphatically. "Do you agree?"

Taking a moment to squelch down his anxiety, Rimmer took a long deep breath and tried to think rationally. "Fine. What choice have I got? Please make it my left arm, though, okay? I do all my favorite things with my right arm."

Kochanski made a face. "Oh, Rimmer…"

"Painting! I paint with this arm! God, Kris…"


Rimmer sat anxiously in his quarters, rubbing his hands together and trying to ignore how furiously his right leg jiggled. He wanted nothing more than to just run screaming through the ship, but he didn't have the energy for that. Plus, he couldn't get up a good amount of speed in these short corridors. He settled for just closing his eyes and waiting for his leg to stop trying to escape. He really wished he could have the leg amputated instead.

Then, he felt a small delicate hand on his right knee, and the jiggling slowly stopped. He cautiously looked up, and there, before him, he saw those two limpid pools of loveliness, those eyes that looked imploringly at him to do better and be better than came naturally to him. The longing radiated through him, and he put his hand on hers.

"Arnie," she said quietly. "I know you're scared. I know this has all happened so quickly. But you must hold strong. You must be brave."

Rimmer swallowed hard. "I don't know how."

"You do. You know you do." She put a hand to his cheek and caressed his face, looking deep into his eyes. "Arnie, it'll be okay. No matter what happens, it will be okay."

"I can't stop thinking about how it might not be okay. We've been lucky so many times. How long before luck runs out?"

She smiled and pulled him closer. "Then you just keep trying. You get through it. Because you've got to." She pulled him in closer. "Because I know you can." And she kissed him.

Rimmer moaned and started kissing her back, just glad to have that warmth and comfort, to have someone who cared so deeply, to have someone who could help him not lose hope. He ran her fingers through her hair as the lighting began to change, and then, he found himself staring into a bright light above him, forcing him to squint as his foggy mind took in his surroundings. He groaned softly, eyes adjusting as he looked around at the seemingly-empty medical bay. He tilted his head down and saw the medical gown he wore. He looked fearfully to his left, only to smile when he saw his arm still intact. He let his head collapse back into the ship-issue pillow and lolled to his right…

He let out a horrified squeak as he saw the bandaged stump at his shoulder.

"He's awake!" he heard Kochanski say at his side, and he heard the sound of a communicator being set down, but he didn't care. He stared in mounting horror at the empty space his right arm used to occupy.

He tried to say something, but he could only manage to squawk in horror again.

"Rimmer, calm down," she said, sitting as close as she could. "I know this isn't what we talked about before, but – "

"Left arm!" he shrieked, his voice ragged from having not used it in the last hour. "My left arm!" He pretended to think for a second before nodding. "Yeah, I think that's what I said! I said, 'my left smegging arm'!"

Kochanski looked so guilty that she may as well have tried on leather gloves. "We did the best we could! I am so sorry!"

"I failed the astronavigation exam twelve times, and even I know the difference between left and right!"

"I'm sorry! That virus is a slippery little devil! He faked us out!"

A moment later, Kryten and Cat came hurrying in.

"Sir, you're awake!"

"Buddy, you look great!" Cat extended a hand to Rimmer's non-existent one, earning him a severely pissed-off look in return.

"God," Rimmer sighed, letting his head fall again. "And now I have to spend the rest of my life learning how to do everything left-handed."

Kryten let out a squeak, looking very shamefaced.

Rolling his eyes, Rimmer tilted his head to look at him. "What now?"

Kochanski filled him in. "We're not sure how, but seven percent of Epideme's viral strains were still in your body. They're multiplying exponentially."

"So, to recap, I just let you mutilate me for no reason?"

Kryten tried to look optimistic. "Not for no reason, sir. By my calculations, we've bought you about an hour more life."

"Oh, fantastic! Wonderful, Kryten! I can use that hour to take a yoga class. Really stretch out my limbs – oh wait."

Kochanski went to put a hand on his shoulder, but then realized that might be insensitive so instead leaned in closer. "We might still be able to come up with something. Just give us a chance."

Rimmer closed his eyes in despair. "Oh, what difference does it make? In less than an hour, I'll be deader than… deader than…"

"A nylon windbreaker?" Cat suggested helpfully.

"Whatever." He took a deep breath. "Listen, on the entirely slim chance that you don't come up with something… then, during the last five minutes of my life, I want to be in the mid-section."

"But why, sir?" asked Kryten.

"So that… when the time comes… you can shove me in an airlock and flush me into space. Worst comes to the worst, I can take Epideme with me. You can get away from here."

Kochanski put a hand on his chest. "Rimmer…"

"I'm serious. I'll be entombed in a block of ice anyway." He raised a stern finger at them. "But wait until I'm already dead, got it? Not until."

They looked at him for a long moment, and in that time, Rimmer saw the despair in their eyes. Even the Cat looked downtrodden. In a way, seeing the place he took in their hearts almost made being infected and hollowed out by a smart arse virus worth it. Almost.

Kochanski reached over and picked up the electrodes from the Universal Translator, attaching them to Rimmer's forehead. A moment later, the Epideme virus's projection appeared in the corner of the room.

"Well, well, well," the demonic DJ voice drolled. "Look who's decided to give up the ghost. Arnie – you never cease to disappoint. The man who refused to admit defeat even after failing his exams and disappointing his parents over and over again finally admits defeat."

Rimmer glared through bleary eyes. "At least my defeat means you get defeated, too, Scrotum Face."

The virus actually tutted. "If only you'd been on the crew of the Leviathan in the first place. They never gave up."

"What do you mean?" asked Kochanski, sounding annoyingly like she hadn't quite given up yet.

Epideme continued like she never spoke. "And they were so close…! They blew out their engines trying to get there…"

"To get where?" Cat asked.

Kryten snapped his fingers. "Perhaps," he said slowly, "they weren't running from something. They were running to something."

Kochanski scratched her chin. "I'll hack the mainframe on the Leviathan. Maybe I can find their flight path. Kryten – do what you can to keep him stable, then come with me." She switched off the UT and started making a plan.


Ten minutes later, they had an answer. They saw the Leviathan's flight path took them to a planet named Delta 7, where presumably they would find the Epideme Cure. While Cat and Kochanski worked on that, Kryten did what he could to keep Rimmer stable for as long as possible. Once confident he'd bought him more time, he switched the UT back on, and the Epideme's ugly visage filled the room.

"Mr. Epideme, since you obtain all the knowledge of all your victims, and as you and I have no gripe, I was wondering if you could perhaps fill some gaps in my knowledge."

"Certainly," replied Epideme smugly. "I'm red hot in quantum mechanics, cell molecular biology and TV theme tunes. Ask away!"

"Very well. One thing I've always wanted to know – who was the fourth Marx Brother?"

"Zeppo. Easy. Now ask me a hard one."

Kryten pondered for a moment. "Very well. How could Starbug's drive module be reconfigured to be made more efficient?"

Epideme needlessly took in a deep breath and rattled off the instructions at lightning quick speed. "Re-route the pulse relays by the auxiliary conductor node and transpose all the prime numbers in the first line of the alphabet to the energy equation."

"And that will make Starbug faster?"

"Threeeeeeeee hundred percent faster!"

Rimmer opened his eyes and smirked. "That's all we needed to know. The crew of the Leviathan were headed to Delta 7 to find the Epideme Cure. Problem was by the time we got there, I'd be dead."

"Unless we found a way to get there faster," Kryten nodded.

"And now we have."

Epideme sounded put out. "Ohh, the oldest trick in the book! I'm not worthy to infect a piece of protoplasm!"

It didn't take long to follow the instructions to increase Starbug's speed. Kryten and Kochanski input the alterations in less than five minutes, and then they spent another five zooming through space for Delta 7. Cat's feline instincts actually felt challenged for a change as he guided them along the flight path for the planet.

However, once they arrived, they realized they'd been had. The planet had been torched, reduced to a burnt-out husk. The Epideme had tricked them in hopes of keeping Rimmer from giving up and going through with the airlock plan.

"Hey, I had to make Dave think there was hope," the virus mocked them. "The whole planet was flamed to get rid of me! But I'd already left, in one of the Star Corps medical engineers, who then made a house call - to the Leviathan!"


With barely half an hour left, Kochanski sat morosely with Cat and Kryten around the scanner table. They had to face the very real possibility that Rimmer would die, and they'd have no choice but to fire his corpse into space to save them from the virus.

"What I want to know is – how'd he do it?" Cat asked.

"Sir?" asked Kryten.

"Well, think about it. When we chopped the arm off, he left seven percent of himself behind so we'd think we'd gotten all of him into the arm. Then he seemed to know about the plan to go to Delta 7. My question is – how is it he's always one step ahead of us?"

Kochanski frowned. For once, a good question from the Cat. She mulled it over for a moment before she slapped the table, startling the others. "Ohhhhh, we are morons!"

"Ma'am?"

"It's an intelligent virus. It feeds on the knowledge of its victims. So when we told Rimmer of the plan to chop his arm off, even though the universal translator wasn't turned on, he still knew by absorbing it from Rimmer's brain!"

Kryten's mouth fell open in realization. "Oh, of course! Why, it's so simple, even a half-concussed gym teacher could understand it!"

"So what do we do?" asked Cat.

"Whatever plan we come up with, we can't tell Rimmer. If we tell him the plan, Epideme will find out about it no matter what, and he'll be able to defend himself."

"But we have less than thirty minutes!" Kryten reminded her. "How are we going to come up with a workable plan in that amount of time?"

Kochanski got up from the table. She paced back and forth, hoping it would dislodge some kind of plan from her brain. She needed something – anything. She glanced across the room and saw one of the blank monitors showing her reflection. She saw that big 'H' emblazoned on her forehead, and something twigged. Something that made her grin.

"Got it."


Kryten hovered over Rimmer in the medical unit, studying his vitals and trying to make the pain as bearable as possible. He barely registered anything happening around him, zoning in and out of consciousness.

Cat came in. "How's he doing?"

"Only a few minutes left, sir."

Epideme's projection floated nearby. "And so, we now conclude our broadcast day. I'd like to thank my guest host, Arnold Rimmer, for being such a good sport. Tune in next time, where we'll find out which of our lucky guests I'll kill next! Until next time!" Humming what might've been some sort of national anthem, the virus faded away, much to their relief.

A moment later, Kochanski hurried in. "Okay, let's do this."

Kryten quickly grabbed a small canister off the nearby desk and started loading the liquid contents into a hypo-gun.

Kochanski leaned over him. "Rimmer – we're going to kill you."

His head swimming at this point, Rimmer barely registered the words. "What…?"

"It's the only way to save you. Do you agree?"

"You're going to prevent Epideme from killing me by killing me…?"

"I'll take that as a yes."

Kryten nodded and pressed the hypo-gun to Rimmer's neck, and in an instant, Rimmer's eyes rolled up in his head, and he promptly flatlined.

Kochanski swallowed. "Is he…?"

"Yes, ma'am. You have less than a minute before it wears off."

Kochanski held out her hand to Rimmer's mouth.

Cat frowned. "What are you doing?"

"You'd rather I snog him?"

"Take your point."

Suddenly, Rimmer's corpse sprang up and bit into her hand – hard! Kochanski cringed in pain, and Rimmer once again collapsed – dead.

Over all this, they heard the insane laughter of Epideme. Kochanski hastily attached one of the UT electrodes to her forehead, and the red-and-green projection returned. "And so it continues!" he crowed. "Everyone's favorite series, the Epideme Virus, has been renewed for another season!"

"Wrong, bug head," Kochanski growled. "You're axed!"

Kochanski stepped into the glass booth on the other side of the room, where Cat quickly shut and locked the air-tight doors.

"Ooooh, think you've got the upperhand just because you're a hologram, Kristine?" Epideme sneered. "You're just more knowledge for me to absorb. All those years in Cyberschool, served as a Navigation Officer, and… Oh, look! So many books on ponies!"

At that moment, Rimmer spluttered and came back to life, coughing and wheezing.

For once, Epideme sounded startled. "Wait, what? He's still alive?!"

Kochanski grunted as she felt the virus churning away inside her. "You're in my head. You tell me."

"Ahh, you gave him a drug to simulate death! Fooled even me! Fine. I'll just get 'im again when we get out of here."

"You're not leaving this booth, Epideme," Kochanski hissed. "Kryten – now!"

The mechanoid pressed a button on the console, and Kochanski's blue top flickered and turned red. She stepped back, and she left an outline of herself suspended in the air, red and green in color, before it dissolved into the confines of the booth.

"Loading disinfectants and antitoxins – now!" Kryten announced.

He stabbed another button, and the vents inside the booth opened, pouring it full of a thick white mist.

The projection on the wall pulsated in alarm. "No…! No! Nooooooo!" Treated and cured, the virus wasted away into nothing. The voice faded into the ether along with it.


"Wake up, Arnie."

Rimmer groaned. "Don't wanna…"

"You need to wake up…"

"Wanna stay here with you."

She smiled. "I know. One day. But for now, you need to wake up."

Rimmer looked into her eyes imploringly. "Do you think we could've made it work?"

She took his hand. "We could've tried." She kissed his forehead. "Now please – for me, for them, for you… Wake up."

Groaning, Rimmer blinked heavily and stared up at the light of the medical bay for the second time that day. He miserably tried to move, but then, he remembered his missing arm and groaned. He peered over and saw Kochanski asleep in a chair next to him, Cat curled up in a medical blanket in the far corner, and Kryten quietly tidying away some medical supplies.

Feeling a mite put out at his current situation, Rimmer tried to move a little. His muscles still felt sore and his head a little swimmy, but honestly, he felt much better than he did the last time he'd been awake. Lifting his head and finding it didn't hurt to do so, he took a chance and cleared his throat.

Kryten whirled around, almost dropping everything he carried. "Oh, sir! You're awake!"

The noise jolted Kochanski and the Cat back awake as well, and after a brief confusion, they hurried to Rimmer's side. "How do you feel?" Kochanski asked, putting a hand on his chest.

Rimmer squinted as his eyes adjusted to the white room. "Better, I think."

"You're recovering, sir," Kryten explained. "There's absolutely no trace of Epideme in your system. We've given you a few gentle steroids to help your immune system back to full health."

"But what about the Epideme virus?"

"Wiped out, bud!" Cat grinned. "Officer Bud Babe got it to infect her."

Kochanski grinned almost smugly. "And once I got in the quarantine booth, I switched to soft-light, leaving it exposed."

"And we hit it with everything we had!" Kryten finished. "With no protection, we wiped it out within seconds!"

Rimmer wearily looked up at Kochanski. "That could've killed you."

"Pfft! I'm already dead." She bit back a smile. "We're not done with you yet, Arnold Judas Rimmer."

He rolled his eyes but smiled all the same. Then, to his surprise, she leaned over and kissed his forehead. "What was that for?"

"For not staying dead."


Author's Note: The way Kochanski defeats Epideme is based on Paul Alexander's original draft where Rimmer was still present and would've saved the day by getting infected and switching off his light bee, although his draft involved Lister and Cat destroying Epideme with bazookoid fire, which seemed a little impractical to me.

Next week: Nanarchy!