Chapter 24: What's on TV

As the sun rises Chef wakes up and gets out of bed, he then opens the window and breathes in the fresh air.

Chef: ah what a beautiful day thank goodness for weekends

He went downstairs, put on a robe and went outside to collect the daily newspaper and sort through all his mail.

Chef: let's see bill, coupon, letter from mom, bill…oh what's this a TV guide huh well it's a beautiful day so I don't think I'll be spending the day watching TV…

Just then dark storm clouds started forming, the winds got stronger, there were flashes of lightning and to top it all off heavy rain started pouring and pelt down hard.

Chef: me and my big mouth

Chef gets back inside his house and observes the storm from his window, he sees that it has become a strong hurricane in which hundreds of objects are flying in mid-air even his car gets flung into the wind.

Chef: MY CAR

He closes the curtains because he rather not watch more stuff he likes getting destroyed, then he picks up the tv guide since he's got nothing else to do.

Chef: well may as well see what is on

He makes a bowl of popcorn, sits on the couch, puts his feet up, grabs the remote and gets ready to spend the whole day watching Tv.


Narrator: it's everybody's favourite daddy's girl heather "The Bills"

The show starts by showing a large mansion and then zooms into a window and then shows Heather sitting on her bed rubbing her fingers.

Heather: hey everyone it's Heather the prettiest and richest teen girl in all of Newcrest, now let's start the day with some expensive shopping

Heather is now clothing store looking through things to buy.

Heather: let's see here well this one's ugly, I wouldn't want to be caught dead in this, please this so six minutes ago…

Heather notices a girl looking at a leopard print dress on a mannequin, the girl looks through her handbag seeing if she can afford it.

Heather: you the best clothes are the ones other people can't

While the girl still looks through her bag Heather quickly grabs the dress of the mannequin and goes to pay for it and when the girl looks to see Heather buying she becomes immediately sad. Once Heather buys it she heads to her limo holding loads of bags, however the girl from earlier comes by with a green slushie drink.

Heather: I think that's enough for our little shopping spree…

Girl: hey Heather heads up

She throws her drink at her covering her in slimy green slushie and runs off.

Heather: AH MY CLOTHES ARE RUINED…HEY DON'T YOU KEEP FILIMING ME…I SAID STOP FILIMING ME…

She attacks the camera man which immediately stops the show and the network puts up technical difficulties.

Narrator: welcome to the cooking channel and now back to "baking with Smarts and Farts"


The show starts with Noah and Owen wearing chef coats and hats while in a kitchen behind a counter.

Noah: hello everyone I'm Noah…

Owen: HOLY CRAP I'M ON TV, HI MOM

Noah: settle down big guy, now today we will be baking a fine beef wellington, okay Owen read from the cook book of what we need

Owen: okay (grabs book and reads) oh how I dream of her, I imagine us on a dessert island naked as the day we were born oh I love you Emma…wait a minute this your diary

Noah: uhm…I have…no idea what you're talking about (said sacredly)

Owen: oh well there's this label saying "Noah's Dairy"…

Noah: GIVE ME THAT

The show flashes to a grey cutscene and continues and now they have all the ingredients with them.

Noah: okay folks now onto the baking as you can see we have all our ingredients ready to be…

Noah looks at the counter seeing all the ingredients were missing.

Noah: Owen where are our ingredients

Owen: beats me (he burps)

Noah: WHAT THE FUC…

The show flashes to a grey cutscene again and continues but this time the beef wellington is already made.

Noah: okay hopefully there must be some good footage of us baking this, anyway that's how you make beef wellington, and I now will now have a taste of this perfectly cooked dish…

Noah sees Owen licking the plate clean and burps again.

Noah: CAN'T YOU LEARN ANY RESTRAINT

Owen: hold that thought

Owen lets off a huge fart which makes a green gas cloud and Noah starts to suffocate while holding his nose.


Narrator: welcome back to everybody's favourite game show "Win It or Drop It" with your faithful host Duncan

Duncan stands on the set of a gameshow holding a microphone and talks into it.

Duncan: hello everybody and welcome to (the crowd chants with him) Win It or Drop It, settle down everybody now the aim of the game is simple you answer three questions correctly you win the mystery prize but if you answer incorrectly something drops right on top of your head and to make sure you don't move we tie you to the chair, now joining us tonight is everyone's least favourite dweeb Harold

A spotlight reveals Harold tied up in robes to a chair.

Harold: I DID NOT AGREE TO THIS

Duncan: okay Harold choose one the numbers one to three, the number you choose dictates what will fall on your head

A tv screen shows the numbers one, two and three.

Harold: uhm three

Duncan: before we see what number three is let's see what the others were, if chosen number one the object falling on top of you would be a soft pillow, number two would've been rose petals and for number three you will have…an angry wolverine fall on your head

A robotic claw holds a very angry and aggressive wolverine over Harold.

Harold: PLEASE LET ME GO

Duncan: not till you answer these three questions, number one what is the atomic mass of carbon

Harold: oh easy 12.010

Duncan: that…is correct (lights start blinking and the crowd cheers) okay next question true or false the four tallest people in our class are Frank, DJ, Owen and Geoff in that order

Harold: false because Geoff is taller than Owen, but Chloe is taller than Geoff, so the order is Frank, DJ, Chloe and Geoff

Duncan: that…is correct (lights start blinking and the crowd cheers) now final question what colours are my eyes (covers his eyes) blue or green, now be warned there's a twenty second time limit and if not answered the wolverine falls

Harold: oh err…

Harold starts to struggle and gets pressured by the clock ticking and the wolverine growling above him.

Harold: your eye colour is blue…

Duncan: that…is…CORRECT (lights start blinking and the crowd cheers)

Harold: yes, what's my prize

Duncan: Harold your prize is drum roll please (drums start banging)…an angry wolverine

Just then a vicious and ravenous wolverine runs onto the stage and starts attacking him.


Narrator: now it's time for everyone's favourite power tool couple Frank and Chloe in "Renovations by Beauty and Brutal"

The show starts with Chloe walking up to a regular looking house.

Chloe: Hi I'm Chloe and we're hear renovating a house for a family that really needs a change, joining me is my boyfriend and demolition expert Frank

Frank: wassup

Chloe: alright first thing is what we really need is for there to be an open kitchen vibe meaning this wall has got to go, babe would do the honours

Frank: my pleasure, okay how do want this a simple sledge hammer whack or Kool Aid style

Chloe: ooh Kool Aid style

Frank runs up to the wall and smashes right through it like the Kool Aid Man.

Frank: OH YEAH

Chloe: perfect now what we need is a sliding door to the back yard, so one more please

Once again Frank runs through the wall again creating a hole to the outside.

Frank: OH YEAH

Chloe: perfect, now the chimney is just disgusting that's gotta too

Frank grabs a sledge hammer and starts smashing it causing the whole chimney tower to collapse. Chloe's phone receives a text informing her the show's episode is pressed for time.

Chloe: alright I've informed that our show is pressed for time so here's a super-fast cut all the demolishing and renovating we're going to be doing

The show's footage goes really fast showing Frank constantly demolish and brake everything in the house and then it shows the both of them renovating everything making it better. They then head outside feeling proud of their work, but Frank looks at the blue prints very confused.

Chloe: and there we have it one renovated modern and beautiful old home which as good as new…what are you doing

Frank: I'm confused because according to these blue prints this house had a lot of load bearing walls

Chloe: which one's exactly

Frank: all the one's we demolished seemed to load bearers

Just then the entire house collapsed in on itself leaving a pile of rubble.

Chloe: first rule of owning a home renovating show

Frank: what's that

Chloe: trick someone into signing a contract stating they're fully responsible for this

Frank: who'd you trick

Chloe: Ezekiel


Narrator: we'll return after these messages

A commercial starts playing showing a majestic forest and then DJ walks on looking concerned.

DJ: we as humans have always been the dominant species and because of this we've hunted god's glorious creatures almost to the brink of extinction

DJ walks up to an injured snow leopard.

DJ: here is Lizzy this poor animal has been rescued from poachers but suffered unimaginable pain, she is no longer able to hunt…

Suddenly the leopard jumps on DJ and attacks him making him scream loud. The footage cuts to DJ going over to a sick elephant.

DJ: over hear is Tyson the poor guy lost his home to an oil spill and left him really sick, once a mighty animal is now as weak as a bug…

The elephant gets up and grabs him with it's trunk and starts swinging him around making him scream again. The footage then cuts to him in a field but covered in bandages.

DJ: here at the Eden Sanctuary, it's our job to help these poor animals so please donate to help us stay in business in order to care for these gentle and defenceless animals…

Just then DJ screams in terror and runs away as a stampede of different animals start chasing him.


Chef turns off his tv and sighs as everything on tv sucks.

Chef: tv entertainment has really gone down the toilet now, you know what I think I'm just gonna read a book instead


Next chapter coming soon please review