"Because I Love Him"
by Olivia Sutton
"Snapshots" Universe
Part 3 of 6
Marty led the way downstairs, ushered Jeff into the lounge, then turned and looked at Anna, "Mum? Um, where do you expect me to sleep tonight?"
Jeff looked at Marty, surprised.
Anna looked at Jeff and then at Marty, "In your room, with Jeff, like always. Unless... well, with what you told me, unless that doesn't..." Anna paused, "We could suss something out."
Jeff looked at his mum, "One bed, mum?"
Anna answered, "Jeff, you and Marty are married now, well, for all intents and purposes you are, and... It was a long time ago, Jeff, but I loved your father. I couldn't imagine not having him at my side at night, until..." Anna swallowed, "I replaced the twin beds months ago. And I had planned on telling the two of you, I'd respect your privacy, as long as you were discrete." She sighed, then added, "Is it going to be a problem?"
Jeff looked at Marty, raising an eyebrow, "Why would it be? Mum, Marty and I do sleep in the same bed."
Anna looked between the two of them, then abruptly said, "You did say you were peckish? I'll get you something to eat, Jeff," then she bid a hasty retreat, heading for the kitchen.
Jeff watched her leave, then turned to Marty and said, "That was a little surreal, Marty, What did you tell her?"
"What you asked me to tell her, Jeff, I told her about your attack."
Jeff looked at Marty, noticing the look in his eyes, then said, "And what else? Marty - that was positively unreal, now what else did you tell her?"
Marty kicked a foot against the floor, looking down, contritely, then looked up at Jeff, "Well, I... I did mention that..."
Jeff looked at him, "Marty?" Jeff searched Marty's eyes, then said, "You told my MOTHER that I haven't had sex with you since I was attacked!"
"It slipped out. And all I said was that we weren't intimate, Jeff! I wouldn't be crass to your mum. And its not like she doesn't know about that side of our relationship. She's known about that since we were seventeen."
Jeff turned away, his shoulders shaking.
Marty moved forward, placing a hand on Jeff's shoulder, "Jeff, I'm sorry. I... I was telling her what happened, and... I told her a lot of what I was feeling, Jeff. I... I love you, and seeing you so hurt in hospital, it... it was painful for me. And knowing that it was my fault..."
Jeff turned around, "It wasn't your fault, Marty."
"I should have protected you."
Jeff shook his head, then touched Marty's face with his hand, "It wasn't your fault."
Tears slipped from Marty's eyes, and he answered, "It slipped out. I was talking to her, and... I've always been able to talk to your mum, Jeff. Since I was fourteen, and... It slipped out. Before I really realised what I'd said. I'm sorry, I..." Marty lightly touched Jeff's face, as they stood in the centre of the lounge.
Jeff pulled Marty into a tight embrace, stroking his back, with one hand, then Marty's hair with the other, "It's okay, Marty. I forget that what happened affects you as well." Jeff pulled back and kissed Marty's cheek, "It's all right. It might make things easier that she knows everything, anyway. I over-reacted. It... it bothers me, Marty, you know it bothers me that I can't..." Jeff stopped, took Marty's face in his hands and kissed him. Marty deepened the kiss, and Jeff went with it, thrusting his tongue into Marty's mouth, and flooding Marty with feelings of love. Marty, I love you so much. I do want to be able to... to love you, Marty, physically.
Jeff, that will come in time. I'm happy with... Marty took Jeff's head in his hands, running his fingers through Jeff's hair, and thrust his own tongue into Jeff's mouth, I'm happy with what you can give me, Jeff. Don't pressure yourself. I understand what you've been through, I do.
There was a loud, clearing the throat type of noise, and Jeff and Marty pulled apart, turning to face Anna standing there, looking at them.
"Your food's ready, Jeff," she said, then she added, "Be discrete, all right, you two? Do or don't do as you like, but be discrete in front of me, eh? It's not that I don't approve, but..."
Jeff turned beetroot red, nodded, and walked past his mum towards the kitchen. Marty stood, shock still, then mumbled, "I'm sorry. Normally we wouldn't... Mrs. Randall-mum, that's about as intense as it gets between me and Jeff, at the moment, but I do love him, and nothing will ever change that."
Anna stepped forward, placed a hand on Marty's arm, then said, "Marty... I'm... I'm sorry I walked in on you two, but this is the lounge, I wasn't expecting... and after what you told me..."
Marty took her hands in his own, "Yah, well, Jeff was a bit angry about that, so, don't bring it up, all right?"
Anna nodded, "He'll be all right, won't he? I see what you mean about... about him being depressed, but he will be all right?"
Marty nodded, "I'm doing everything in my power to see that he will be all right." He hugged her quickly, then stepped around her and walked towards the kitchen.
Anna stood still a moment, tears in her eyes, then she pulled herself together and turned around, heading back to the kitchen.
Finally, late that night, Jeff and Marty went to their old bedroom in Jeff's mum's house, to sleep. Both changed into silk pyjamas, then slipped into bed.
Marty reached out in the bed, lightly touched the side of Jeff's face, and stroked his hair. "Jeff, I am sorry I upset you, today. I didn't mean to embarrass you in front of your mum. I just... I needed to talk to someone and she was there, and she listened, Jeff."
Jeff nodded, "I'm sorry I was angry, Marty. I shouldn't have been angry."
Marty nodded, and moved closer, "Come 'ere then, Jeff. Let me hold you."
Jeff nodded, moving into Marty's embrace, lying next to Marty, in the crook of Marty's arm.
Marty, on his side, held Jeff, his hand petting his hair. "It will be all right, Jeff, with time. It will. I know it."
Jeff nodded, "I hope so, Marty, I hope so." Jeff snuggled closer to Marty
Marty moved onto his back, pulling Jeff with him, allowing Jeff to lay his head on Marty's own shoulder. Marty kept an arm around Jeff, holding him, comforting him, and the two slowly drifted off to sleep.
A week later, Jeff and Marty left Mrs. Randall's house and returned to their own house in London. Marty kept a close eye on Jeff. Jeff wasn't quite himself, yet, but the time away from London had done him a bit of good.
Marty dropped the bags in the lounge, turned and looked at Jeff.
Jeff stood nearby, rubbing his hands together, "Marty, it's a bit chilly in here, don't you think?"
Marty nodded.
"I'll get a fire started, then. How about if you find us a nice bottle of wine?" Jeff asked.
Marty looked at Jeff, raised an eyebrow, then said, "Wine? And a fire? Jeff... are you sure?"
Jeff nodded, "I am."
Marty nodded, "All right then, go ahead and start the fire, and I'll find something, appropriate."
Marty grabbed the bags, put them near the stairs to the second level of the house, then headed towards the kitchen, a grin on his face. He knew Jeff, and he knew what a fire and wine normally meant. Marty smiled wider, knowing what Jeff's remarks meant he was thinking about. Marty walked into the kitchen, found a nice bottle of wine, and two glasses. Then he opened the wine, taking it and the glasses and joining Jeff near their fireplace.
The fire in the fireplace had just caught, and Jeff lay, in a suggestive pose on the fluffy rug, in front of the fireplace. Marty entered, looking at Jeff, then smiling. He put the wine and glasses on a table near the sofa, and went to Jeff, taking him into his arms. "Jeff?"
Jeff looked up at Marty, "Cuddling to start, Marty. But I think it will be more. I want more. Hopefully, I'll... I'll be all right if we have sex as well. Let's try at least, hum?" Jeff nuzzled Marty's neck.
Marty nodded, his eyes wide, then he cuddled Jeff closer. He kissed the top of Jeff's head, and said, "Nice and slow, Jeff, we'll take things nice and slow. And we can stop whenever you want."
Jeff nodded, turning his head to kiss Marty. Marty kissed Jeff back. Jeff deepened the kiss, running his hands along Marty's hair, and pulling Marty over and onto the rug. Marty responded, kissing Jeff as deeply, then paused slightly, waiting for a hint from his lover. Jeff ran his hands across Marty's shoulders, then under his suit coat jacket. Gently, Jeff eased Marty's jacket off and to the floor.
Marty smiled at Jeff, ran his own hands under Jeff's suitcoat, and eased it off and to the floor. Then he removed Jeff's tie and began unbuttoning Jeff's shirt. Jeff's hands moved up, and he undid Marty's tie. Marty bent and kissed Jeff's chest, nuzzling Jeff, licking his chest.
Jeff gasped, "Yes, Marty, oh god, yes!" pulling Marty closer, pushing Marty's head into his chest.
Marty nodded, and continued, caressing Jeff, kissing him, and running his hands along Jeff's bare chest. He pulled off Jeff's shirt, and slid along the rug, reaching Jeff's face and kissing him, gently, then harder and deeper.
Jeff responded to the kiss, then rolled Marty so Marty lay on the rug and he lay on top.
Marty grinned at Jeff, and Jeff unbuttoned Marty's shirt, easing it off. Jeff moved to Marty's now naked chest and began to kiss, nuzzle, and play.
"Oh god, Jeff," said Marty, as he pulled Jeff closer, running his hands through Jeff's hair.
Jeff slid down Marty's body, leaving a trail of kisses behind, reached Marty's trousers, and undid Marty's belt, then the trousers, sliding them down and off Marty's legs and onto the floor. Jeff smiled, "Ah, no underwear, good!" then went down on Marty, licking, sucking, and playing with his partner's penis.
Marty gasped, and groaned, "God, yes! It's been so long, Jeff!"
Jeff continued, then shuddered, pulling away from Marty, laying face down against Marty's stomach, and crying uncontrollably.
Marty realised suddenly that something was very wrong, "Jeff?"
Jeff rolled off Marty and continued to cry, face down on the fluffy carpet.
Marty turned around, kneeling next to Jeff, his hands on Jeff's back, "Jeff, What's wrong? God, you're scaring me, please tell me, what is it?"
Jeff sat up, looked at Marty, and with tears still rolling down his face, said, "I can't! I can't do it! I had a flash... I felt that BASTARD forcing himself in my mouth and I can't..." Jeff left off, turning away from Marty, sobbing.
Marty went to Jeff, lightly touching his shoulder, "Jeff, it's okay."
Jeff shook his head, "It's not... Marty, it's been a month! We haven't for a month, Marty!"
Marty moved around on the carpet so he was in front of Jeff, "It's okay! It's okay, Jeff. I won't hurt you and I'd never force you."
Jeff nodded, wetness still in his eyes, as he began swallowing his tears, he moved forward, raising a hand to Marty's jaw, "I don't want to tease you, Marty. I know you want to. I know you need to be with me."
Marty nodded, "You're not a tease, Jeff. I love you. And I know what you've been through, it's okay."
Jeff turned away and mumbled, "I wouldn't blame you if you left."
Marty looked at Jeff, "What?"
Jeff turned around, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I thought I was ready. I thought I could do this tonight, Marty. I still want to. God, I want to."
Marty went to Jeff, lightly put his arms around his shoulder, Do you still want to cuddle, Jeff?
Jeff nodded, moving into Marty's arms. Yeah, I do. I WANT more. But I...
Jeff, listen, it's all right, Marty kissed Jeff's temple as he pulled him close, Jeff, please don't push yourself. That only makes it worse. It makes you feel worse. I love you and I'm willing to wait until you're ready, Jeff. And you will be, Marty put one hand to Jeff's jaw, raising his head as he stared into Jeff's eyes, honestly, Jeff, you WILL be ready, one day. You will.
Jeff sighed, "Hold me, just hold me, Marty. Please."
Marty put his arms around Jeff, holding him tight. "Always, Jeff. I'll always be here to hold you." Marty rested his chin on Jeff's shoulder, holding him against his own chest. Marty lightly kissed Jeff's hair, and said, quietly, "I love you, Jeff."
Jeff turned 'round in Marty's arms, lightly kissed Marty, then replied, "I love you, as well, Marty."
Marty kissed Jeff in reply, then pulled him tight. "I know," he whispered, "Would you like some wine, Jeff?"
Jeff nodded, then shivered.
Marty noticed that Jeff was getting cold, so he got up and grabbed a small blanket from the nearby couch, and wrapped it around his lover's shoulders, then he went over to the wine and glasses on the table and poured two large glasses of wine. He went to Jeff, sat next to him, putting the blanket around his own shoulders, then handed Jeff the wine.
Jeff looked at the size of the glass, then said, "Trying to get me drunk?"
Marty shook his head, "No," then sipped his own wine.
Jeff took a sip, put the wine down, then turned towards Marty, moving towards him, his hand reaching for Marty's bare chest.
Marty set his own wine down, and grabbed Jeff's hand, "Jeff, don't."
Jeff looked at Marty, hurt.
Marty sighed deeply, then said, "I won't hurt you, Jeff. You're not ready, and it's okay, it really is. Let me hold you instead."
"Marty, I want... I want you, Marty, I do."
Marty nodded, then whispered, "I know, Jeff, I know, but what happened to you was horrific, and, and it's only natural that you are scared. That..." Marty left off, then reached for his wine.
Jeff looked at Marty, and slowly nodded, "You don't want me."
Marty looked at Jeff, then said, angrily, "Of COURSE I want you Jeff. But I won't HURT you. I won't force you, or anything of the sort." Marty calmed, then continued quietly, "Jeff, I, I remember when it happened to me. You know that I have reactions to this very day, if someone comes up from behind me, or touches me a certain way when I'm not expecting it. It's only been a month, Jeff. Please don't force yourself into something before you're ready." Marty reached out, gesturing Jeff to his side to soften the blow of his words. "You are everything to me, Jeff. I love you. And I'd never, ever hurt you, Jeff. Never."
Jeff carefully balanced his wine in his hand, as he moved next to Marty, sitting next to him. Marty put an arm around Jeff's shoulders, pulling him tightly into an half embrace. Both leaned back against the sofa, and stared into the fireplace, sipping their wine.
A week later, Jeff lay next to Marty in bed. He reached over to Marty, running his hand over Marty's chest.
Marty turned towards Jeff, "Jeff?"
Jeff continued stroking Marty's chest, then rolled on top of Marty, kissing him.
Marty responded to the kiss, putting his own arms around Jeff, who now lay on top of him.
Jeff deepened the kiss, opening his mouth and licking Marty's lips. Marty's mouth opened and he deepened the kiss as well, entering Jeff's mouth with his tongue.
Marty came up for air, "Oh, god, Jeff."
Jeff nodded, as he unbuttoned Marty's blue silk pyjama top, took it off, and dropped it on the floor next to the bed.
Marty rolled Jeff on the bed, leaning over him to unbutton and take off his burgundy pyjama top, he looked down at Jeff, kissing him again, one hand on the back of Jeff's head, the other on Jeff's chest.
Jeff stroked Marty's back, running his hands, up and down, then said, "Take me, Marty. I'm ready, I need to have you take me. Please."
Marty nodded, holding Jeff tight, then rolled again, until he lay on his back and Jeff was above him. Marty looked up into Jeff's eyes. "You are, ready, aren't you? You are," he said, looking into Jeff's eyes.
Jeff nodded, "Yah. I... I want you, Marty, I want you."
Marty nodded, and pulled Jeff to him. He reached out, nibbling Jeff's ear, then whispered, "Top or bottom?"
Jeff froze for a barely-perceptible second, then said, "Top. I want to be in you, Marty." Jeff kissed Marty's lips, then pulled slightly back. "Let me enter you, tonight, now, please."
Marty nodded, kissed Jeff again, then rolled onto his stomach.
Jeff gasped, seeing Marty giving him permission, so readily. In the last week, he'd started to approach his lover in bed, only to have Marty look at him, and softly tell him he knew, knew Jeff wasn't ready, and he wouldn't do it. Jeff lightly touched Marty's shoulders. Marty looked back up at Jeff, and their eyes met.
"Thank you," said Jeff, then he reached for the bottle of oil on the bedside table. The oil wasn't there. Jeff looked around, confused, opened the drawer of the table, found what he was looking for, and took it out. He poured scented oil into his hands, and began massaging and caressing Marty's shoulders, leaning down to kiss them, then running his hands back and forth along his lover's back.
Jeff's hands slid to Marty's pyjama bottoms, sliding them off, then he removed his own. He continuing to massage Marty's back, until his own penis reacted, getting hard.
Jeff poured more oil into his hands, and rubbed it on Marty's arse, then he coated himself and entered Marty. Jeff took Marty with slow, gentle strokes, stopping the movement only to bend and kiss Marty's back and shoulders. Finally, Jeff came and slid out.
Marty turned on the mattress, reaching for Jeff, then grabbing his arms. Jeff moved into Marty's grasp, reaching for him, kissing him, passionately. Then he sent, Jeff? Jeff, are you all right?
I'm fine, Marty, I am so fine, Jeff responded, kissing Marty again, God, I... I thought I'd never be able to do that again. Marty... I love you, so much.
Marty nodded, pulling Jeff close and kissing him.
Enter me, Marty. Please. Make love to me.
Marty pulled Jeff close, rolling him on the bed, until Jeff lay on his stomach, then he straddled his lover. Marty reached for the bottle of oil, rubbing it on his hands, and then massaging Jeff's back and shoulders. Jeff groaned with pleasure as Marty massaged him. Marty kissed Jeff's shoulders and back, then continued his massage.
Finally, he coated his own hard and ready penis, and entered Jeff.
Jeff groaned and moaned, then he screamed.
"What? What?" Marty answered, pulling out of his partner, and kneeling on the bed.
Jeff turned in the bed, facing Marty, staring at him, tears running down his eyes.
Marty crawled along the bed, until he was right in front of Jeff, "What? What happened, Jeff?" He reached out to touch Jeff's face, but Jeff pulled away.
Jeff shook his head, not answering Marty, then his whole frame began to shake.
Marty stared at Jeff with concern, "Jeff, what is it? Tell me!"
Jeff nodded, then, and began speaking in a quiet, detached tone, "It wasn't you, Marty. It didn't feel like you. It WASN'T you!"
Marty looked at Jeff, in shock, then moved closer, reaching out a hand towards Jeff. Jeff pulled away, then moved closer, reaching out for Marty. Marty took Jeff in his arms, and petted Jeff's head.
Jeff began to cry, "Oh, god, Marty. Oh, god. It... It wasn't you!"
Marty nodded, tears falling from his own eyes, "I'm sorry, Jeff. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I would never hurt you."
Jeff stopped shaking then raised a hand to stroke the side of Marty's face, and to pet his hair. "NO, Marty, no. It's not YOUR fault! It's my fault! There's something wrong with ME, Marty. There must be!"
Marty shook his head, then held Jeff slightly away, so they could see each other's faces clearly. "Jeff, no. You've been through something..." he paused, thinking, then said, "traumatic, Jeff. Something horrible. I KNOW what it's like, to go through something like that, Jeff. You just need more time, that's all." Marty pulled Jeff close, leaning his head on Jeff's shoulder. Then he turned his head, reaching towards Jeff with his lips.
Jeff met Marty's lips, and kissed him. He raised a hand, bringing it up to touch Marty's face.
Marty leaned into the touch, then murmured, "It will be all right, Jeff. It will. It just takes time, that's all."
Jeff nodded, moving into his partner's arms, then lightly kissing Marty again.
Marty accepted the kiss, returned it lightly, and pulled Jeff to himself. Jeff threw his arms around Marty, snuggled close, and soon the two drifted off, asleep in each other's arms.
A week later, Jeff and Marty again lay in bed, Jeff touched Marty's chest with his hand, petting his lover's chest, then whispered into Marty's ear. Marty awoke with a start.
Jeff smiled at Marty, then whispered, "Marty?"
Marty looked at Jeff, smiled, then said, "Yah, Jeff?"
"Marty, I... I want to try again. I know, I..." Jeff left off, then looked deep into Marty's blue eyes, "I need to be with you, Marty, I do. I really..." Jeff left off, rolled onto Marty, and kissed his lips lightly, then said, "Please, make love to me, Marty. Please."
Marty grabbed Jeff's hands, "Are you sure, Jeff? Jeff-- I will NOT hurt you, and last time..."
Jeff put a hand to Marty's lips, stopping him from speaking, "I know, I know, last time, I..." Jeff shuddered, "But I need you, Marty. I do. I need for our relationship to be," Jeff looked off in the distance, thinking, "I need to have an intimate relationship with you, Marty. I... it's so difficult, lying next to you, night after night, and not..." Jeff left off, moved closer to Marty and kissed him, "Please."
Marty nodded, "All right, Jeff, but let's... let's take it slow, okay? Please?"
Jeff nodded.
Marty put his arms around Jeff, and pulled him closer, then kissed him, gently. Jeff responded to the kiss, putting his own arms around Marty, then rolling him on the bed until they lay on their sides, facing each other. Jeff deepened the kiss, licking Marty's lips, then thrusting his tongue into Marty's mouth. Marty ran his hands along Jeff's back, then moved to his front, unbuttoning and taking off his burgundy silk pyjamas. He scooted closer, running his hands along Jeff's chest, then back to lick, kiss and play with Jeff's chest.
"Oh, god, Marty, oh god," Jeff moaned, then he lay on his back.
Marty nodded, moving onto Jeff, kissing his chest, and caressing him. Are you ready, Jeff? I'll take you in my mouth, but only if you are ready.
Jeff nodded, murmuring, "hum, hum," then he kissed Marty's mouth, then sent, Do it, take me Marty, please.
Marty nodded, and blazed a trail of kisses down Jeff's chest, until he finally reached the top of Jeff's pyjama bottoms, he pulled them off, and lightly touched Jeff, stroking his penis and lightly touching his balls.
Jeff moaned, "God, yes, Marty! Do me-- please!"
Marty nodded again, then went down on Jeff, taking him in his mouth. He licked and sucked and played. Jeff was flaccid in his mouth, then as Marty continued his ministrations, Jeff's penis got hard. Marty nodded, and continued as Jeff arched and thrust, until finally, he came.
Marty moved off Jeff, and swallowed then kissed Jeff's chest, blazing a trail to the Jeff's throat, before he reached Jeff's face, and stared into his liquid brown eyes.
Jeff held Marty tightly, then kissed him deeply.
Are you all right, Jeff? Marty sent.
Yah, I'm fine, Marty. It was good. It was so good.
Good, Marty answered, then he threw his arms around Jeff, kissing him again and holding him tight.
Jeff pet Marty's hair, then whispered, "More, Marty. Enter me, please."
Marty shook his head, "I'm not sure that's a good idea, Jeff."
Jeff pulled back on the bed, sitting up. "I'm sure, Marty. I want you in me. Please."
Marty looked at Jeff, but he could never refuse his lover anything, not when he gave that pleading look. Marty nodded.
Jeff turned over on his stomach.
Marty removed his pyjamas, then began kissing Jeff's back and the tops of his shoulders. "You sure you want bottom, Jeff?"
Jeff nodded, "I'm sure, Marty. Absolutely."
Marty nodded again, reaching for the oil on the nightstand. He found it, poured some in his hands, and began to give Jeff a long, luxurious massage, interrupting only to kiss his lover's back and shoulders. Then he blazed a trail of kisses down Jeff's back.
Jeff groaned, at Marty's ministrations, then said, "Do it, please."
Marty nodded, and coated his own hard penis. He poured oil on his hands, and coated Jeff, then entered him with one finger.
Jeff moaned and nodded, giving his lover permission and demanding more.
Marty added more oil, then entered Jeff with two fingers.
Again, Jeff moaned and then sent, Come on, Marty, I want you, I need you-- it's been a really long time.
I know, but last time, you... Marty sent.
...that won't happen again. Jeff interrupted.
Marty nodded, "I'm starting, Jeff." He coated himself, and Jeff, then entered him, taking Jeff with gentle strokes.
Jeff moaned, then tensed. And it still wasn't Marty that he felt inside himself. He groaned, but lay quietly, and submissively, waiting for Marty to finish, determined not to protest.
Marty finally came, slid out of Jeff, and moved towards him on the bed. He reached out to pull Jeff into a tight embrace, but Jeff pulled back.
"Jeff? What's wrong? Did I hurt you, Jeff?"
Jeff shook his head, moving closer to his lover, and whispered, "You weren't the one that hurt me, Marty. Believe me, you weren't."
Marty nodded, reached out and pet Jeff's hair, "So, what is it then?"
Jeff reached out, and lightly stroked Marty's hair. "Nothing, it's nothing, Marty. I'm all right. Hold me?"
Marty nodded, "Of course, Jeff, of course. I'll always hold you." He reached out, pulling Jeff to himself, lightly kissing him, then closed his eyes.
Jeff sat quietly in Marty's arms, holding Marty, waiting for him to sleep. But he knew that it had been the final test. It had been over six weeks, since his attack, and although he could now have sex with his partner, it was painful, and in his head, it was like he was getting raped all over again. Jeff knew he couldn't handle it any more and he knew what he must do. As soon as Marty was sound asleep, he'd do it.
later that night
Jeff awoke, it was dark in the bedroom, he'd managed to fall asleep, but now he'd awoken again. He looked over at Marty, but Marty was still asleep. Jeff nodded to himself, slipping out of the bed. He walked into the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. Jeff carefully opened a new packet of razor blades, pulling out a straight blade. Then Jeff stripped and got in the bath, debating in his mind turning on the water or not. He turned the water on and let the tub fill, relaxing in the warm water. The razor blade sat on a small towel on the edge of the tub, and Jeff looked at it, thinking to himself, God, Marty, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I know you won't understand, but I can't... He turned off the water that poured in to the tub. He picked up the blade, and held it to his left arm, pressing it deeply into his wrist, then dragging it to his elbow. Jeff gasped, then took the blade in his left hand, and clumsily repeated the process with his right wrist. Jeff dropped both his arms into the water, the water turned red. Jeff closed his eyes, leaning back against the tub and calmly waited.
Minutes later
Marty awoke and stretched out his arm, finding the bed empty, he awoke more fully and sat up, "Jeff?" Marty leant over to the bedside lamp and turned it on, but the bedroom was empty. Fear shot through Marty, and he sat on the edge of the bed, then was hit by an overwhelming feeling that something was horribly wrong. He shot to his feet and rushed to the bathroom, opened the door, and screamed. He rushed to his lover who lay slumped in the bathtub. Marty's hand tremoured as he reached for his lover's neck. Jeff's pulse was racing. "Thank god," Marty murmured
Marty pulled his unconscious lover out of the tub, grabbing towels to wrap his wrists. He lowered Jeff to the bathroom floor, then reluctantly left him, rushing to grab his mobile from the bedroom.
Marty returned to Jeff in the bathroom, taking him in his arms, and dialled 999.
After completing the 999 call, Marty held Jeff tight. "How could you do this, Jeff? How? I think I know why, but how? Why didn't you talk to me?" Marty held Jeff tight, not minding the bloody water that soaked his own silk pyjamas, and whispered into Jeff's ear, "Jeff, listen. I hope you can hear me, Jeff. If you don't make it, if you have succeeded in what you just tried to do. Jeff - I will follow you. Do you hear me?" Marty raised his voice on the last phrase.
Jeff stirred in his arms. "Mar... Marty?"
"I'm here, Jeff," Marty stroked Jeff's hair.
"No. Marty, let me die. Please - it is what I want."
Marty stroked Jeff's hair, then kissed him, "No, Jeff. You don't want this."
Jeff slipped back into unconsciousness. Marty held him close, Where's that ambulance? He thought, then he kissed Jeff, and whispered in his ear, "Jeff, I love you, please don't... don't leave me." He checked Jeff's pulse, and found it slowing, and faint, but still there. Marty shook Jeff, until Jeff's eyes opened again, then he rocked him, desperately trying to keep him awake. Marty checked Jeff's breathing, and it was shallow but consistent. He carefully held Jeff, rocking him and whispering to him to keep him awake, whilst waiting for the ambulance to arrive.
There was a banging at the front door. Marty reluctantly left Jeff, rushing to the door, and opening it, "The upstairs bath, he's in the bath, help him, please," he said as the EMTs entered the house.
The EMTS rushed past Marty upstairs to the bathroom, saw Jeff and immediately began to help him, asking Marty questions as they did so. Marty stood in the corner of the bathroom out of the way, answering the EMT's questions in shocked, quiet tones. Soon the EMTs had Jeff stabilised, with two IV bags feeding fluids in him. They took Jeff to hospital - with Marty at his side.
Marty waited outside Jeff's hospital room. A doctor approached. "He's stable, and you can see him. Mr. Hopkirk, you are very lucky he's still alive, he lost a lot of blood. And, HE'S lucky you found him so soon."
Marty nodded, steadied himself, and walked into Jeff's hospital room.
Jeff lay in the bed, his face and arms very pale. A bag of blood, and two clear IVs bags were on a stand near the bed, lines snaked into Jeff's arms.
"God, Jeff," said Marty, looking at his lover.
"Marty, I'm sorry, but I... I can't handle what happened to me, Marty. I can't."
"You CAN, Jeff. You know you can! Come on, I thought therapy was going all right."
"Marty - whenever you... when we... I can't..."
"What? Jeff, come on, tell me, what is it? What would make you do this?"
Jeff took a deep breath then answered, "When we made love, it wasn't you anymore, Marty - it's them. And it's painful, and I... I felt like I was dying the last time we made love, Marty. - I love you. I WANT to have an intimate relationship with you. Like we always have. And now... now I can't because of WHAT HAPPENED. I can't live with it, anymore, Marty. I'm sorry."
"It takes time, Jeff. Give yourself time. And talk to Beth about how you feel. God, don't..."
"I'll do it again, Marty. I'm sorry. But I will."
"NO!"
Jeff nodded, "I'm sorry, Marty. I love you so much..."
"Then don't do this, Jeff. Because if you do... so will I. I swear it. I won't out live you, Jeff. I won't."
Jeff raised a hand, and Marty grasped it. Together, then, Marty? Because I can't live with it. I can't. I'm not strong like you.
You ARE, Jeff. You have strength in you. I know you do.
Jeff shook his head, No, no I don't, Marty. I slit my wrists because I don't. And I'll... I will kill myself, Marty. Believe me. I'm sorry. But I will - it's the only strength I have left.
Jeff, I... if I can't change your mind, if it's set, then yes - I promise you - yes. Together. I'll even arrange it, Jeff. There are ways.
We'd both? I'd die and
and I'd die with you.
Then do it, Marty. Arrange it. Get me out of this hospital and arrange it. For us both.
Right. Do you have a preference, Jeff?
Preference?
Guns, poison, knives? Jeff, I have a long acquaintance with the idea. If it weren't for you...
Let me think about it. Guns maybe.
God, you are serious, aren't you?
Yes, Marty. I am. Aren't you? Because if you're not, I will still do it.
No, Jeff. I am very serious. If you killed yourself, or even if you died, I'd shoot myself, Jeff. I swear it.
Arrange it, Marty.
Marty sent a wave of agreement to Jeff, then pulled out of their contact, his eyes streaming with tears. "I promise, Jeff. I swear it."
"And I swear to you, Marty. I'm serious. It's what I want. It's the only way."
Marty nodded again.
TO BE CONTINUED
