Okay we are so close to the end that I'm gonna go ahead and update because i love this thing so much and we're almost done so I'm gonna get the rest out for you.

oh and remember stuff from earlier chapters, like how Hiei said he owed Kuwabara money, and stuff like that!

PREPARE FOR ANGST!

New and improved revised version!

EPISODE TWENTY: SAYING GOOD-BYE TO ME

Kuwabara rinsed his face off, and cleaned out the orange shavings in the sink. He looked in the mirror at his old self. Clean shaven face, gelled up hair, and normal eyes. Kuwabara moved the contact in his eye a little, and saw the cross leering at him. He blinked, and pulled away from the mirror. It had been another week since they met with Yenma, and Kuwabara decided it was time to stop moping and making his sister worry. He didn't want to worry her anymore.

He pulled on a green shirt, some brown jeans, and picked up some brown shoes that he would wear as soon as he got outside of the apartment. When he walked into the kitchen his sister put out her cigarette and approached him. She offered him a weak smile, "You going to Genkai's?" Kuwabara nodded, and she hugged him whispering, "I'm so glad to see you back to your old self."

Kuwabara did not smile.

1234

Kuwabara had decided to walk to Genkai's, but now was pausing in the park. He pulled out a pocketknife, and flipped it open. It had been his father's, and Kuwabara had found it shoved in the pocket of one of his father's jackets. He flicked it open looking at the smooth silvery blade. His eyes reflected off the blade, and as he stared in the poor reflection of his eyes, he hated his fake pupils all the more.

As he flicked it shut and open again and again, he let the silvery blade lift his sleeve of his shirt up very gently, leaving a faint scratch mark up his wrist. The blade pressed up against his flesh made his skin tingle and crawl like when a new friend grasped his wrist and pulled him along. He shuddered, as he poked the blade through his arm, letting a drip of red fall down his arm, and then fall sideways off his wrist. He felt a sudden rush of passion for that small drop of blood, the passion of wanting more to fall, and the passion of wanting that red drop to never have left his body.

"You know," Kuwabara said aloud, "When a samurai failed in his mission, he would kill himself out of shame, and to retrieve that last bit of honor he'd lost and sometimes..." Kuwabara trailed off and looked behind him, staring directly at the wide-eyed Kurama, "they'd ask a friend to help them." Kurama in one swift movement strode forward and slapped Kuwabara hard across the face.

His chest rose in a huff, and he stared at Kuwabara a long time before grabbing the pocket knife, closing it and handing it back to Kuwabara. "No...don't you...don't you even think-" Kurama went silent when Kuwabara rose, finally looking at him. Kuwabara smiled, and hugged Kurama, one of his large hands resting on the back of Kurama's head, the other around his shoulders, "Kurama...you're a good friend."

And just like that Kuwabara pulled away, tossed over his shoulder that he'd see him at Genkai's and, headed on his way. Kurama felt his whole body trembling, and something painfully warm was pressing to the back of Kurama's eyes. "Kuwabara..." He whispered looking at the ground to stare at the lone drop of blood Kuwabara left behind.

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Kuwabara arrived at Genkai's shrine and after talking with Yukina, and Genkai for a moment, he excused him self to the bathroom. He pulled up his sleeve, and looked at the dry blood on his arm that was beginning to come off in flakes. He sighed, and turned the water on. He stuck his arm under the cool water, and listened to the loud sound of rushing water. He closed his eyes gently, and sighed. He looked at his arm, a pink trail coming off the still tiny wound he'd inflicted on himself.

"It might just be deep enough to scar…is that what you were looking for?"

Kuwabara turned to Hiei, who was staring at him from the open bathroom door. Kuwabara smiled, "It's rude not to knock you know." Hiei said nothing, but turned his eyes away from Kuwabara's eyes and back to the wound.

"I do hope it scars," Kuwabara said wistfully, "so that I can remember that I almost gave into weakness. That I almost gave up on myself..."

Hiei walked over to him, still looking at the wound, and Kuwabara sighed, "Can't you look me in the eye anymore?"

Hiei paused, but looked up at Kuwabara's sad eyes, and in a slow, deep tone said, "I see shame when I look in your eyes...my shame...I should have come as soon as Boeton told me you'd gone missing...if I had gone then...maybe things could have been different."

The two men stared at each other, the rushing water spraying loudly against Kuwabara's flesh, the blood having stopped flowing a long time ago. Kuwabara turned the sink off, and whispered, "Hiei...thank you...you're a pretty nice guy..." Kuwabara held out one of his wet hands, and Hiei gripped it, holding it for a moment, before walking off.

Kuwabara looked down at his hands where a crumpled ten-dollar bill lay.

1234

Kuwabara sat outside, watching the birds in the trees, and listened to the faint sounds of their songs. Yukina's soft footsteps caught his ears, and she dropped softly next to him as a single snowflake would drop against the ground. Kuwabara did not turn to look at her, though he knew she was staring intently at him.

"Yukina-chan?" He finally whispered, the young ice maiden jumping, "Y-Yes Kazuma-kun?" He looked at her, and smiled, "You know I love you." Yukina blushed deeply, Kuwabara had never said it so plainly before. Kuwabara turned away from her, "You don't have to say anything, you don't have to make a sound...just listen for a moment. I've made all these speeches of love to you, but I never just said it. Just said it so simply, and I just thought it was about time I did."

Yukina looked at him, and grabbed his hand, hiccupping as large gems rolled down her cheeks. Kuwabara didn't look at her, and whispered, "Did I hurt you...when I pushed you?"

Yukina hiccupped again, "You hurt me when you left...I didn't want you to go away, I didn't want you to leave me...Kazuma-kun...I..."

Kuwabara took the small woman in his arms, and held her, the young girl clinging tightly. "Don't say anything until you're ready...I do after all have an extended amount of time to wait for you after all. Not that I wouldn't have waited lifetimes for your decision anyways."

Yukina let out a bitter sob, whispering, "Kazuma-kun if you ever leave...please make sure you'll be back...please." Kuwabara hugged her, a bland expression on his face. He couldn't promise that. He held her, and after a moment, she finally pulled away calm, and looking at him with a new shine in her eyes. He offered her a fragile smile, and watched her walk away from him.

"But Yusuke...our wedding..."

Kuwabara's head turned to the left at the sound of Keiko's voice.

Kuwabara rose, and peeking carefully around the corner he saw Keiko and Yusuke standing across from each other within Genkai's shrine. Keiko was standing in front of Yusuke with her head down, while he clutched her hands to him. Yusuke looked miserably at Keiko and whispered, "Can we hold off our wedding just for a little longer...I want Kuwabara to be my best man...and he's no where near in the condition to do such a thing...He can't...he's really hurting and he needs me..." Yusuke looked away from Keiko's questioning eyes, "And I really need him, if...if he's not at my side when we do this...I'm afraid...I don't want to lose him Keiko. He blames himself for all the bad things that have happened, and if he's not at my wedding…I think that'll just make it worse. Keiko I love you, but Kuwabara's like my brother…please just wait a moment longer."

Keiko wrapped her arms around Yusuke, and pressed her face against his neck, "I understand...I used to not get you two...but now I do...We'll wait. Even if it take years I'll wait...I want Kuwabara to be there for you, but not just you, but me too."

Yusuke smiled hugging her, "Thanks Keiko...thank you."

Kuwabara backed away from the scene, feeling his heart drop into his stomach, and dissolve. He was ruining everyone's plans. With out answering a questioning Genkai, Kuwabara fled Genkai's house quickly. He hurried down the streets, his mind a whirl of the young couple's words. He didn't want to make them wait. He didn't like being this way. He wanted to be Kazuma Kuwabara again-he wanted to be Kuwabara!

"I WANT TO BE ME AGAIN!" Kuwabara screamed, opening his eyes to stare at the sun. He looked up, finally realizing he was on the roof on his old jr. high building.

"How'd I get here...?" He whispered looking around. "How...?" He looked back at the door that led to the roof and saw it hanging off its hinges. 'Did I break in?' Kuwabara thought sitting down in a huff. He didn't want to be here anymore. He was done with it all, he hated life now. The dreams, the whispers he heard in his head. He wished he had died, he wished he'd been the new bar for the gates of Purgatory...not his parents...not them…even if they were safely in heaven now…they were still gone…

"Well, I came here looking for Hiei, and I see you dashing madly through the streets."

Kuwabara's head snapped up to look at Mukuro who stood on the railing of the school looking down at him. She stared blankly at him with her fake eye, and marred face. He stared back at her, knowing that her haunting eyes, real and fake, could see through the contacts, and see his crosses. "You're stomach wound...is it better now?" Kuwabara asked immediately, Mukuro briefly looking down at her waist at the question. It was clear she hadn't even thought of her wound received be Sage, she'd clearly forgotten any pain she'd received.

"Yes. It was barely a scratch for a demon such as I," she answered in a smooth elegant way as she glanced to Kuwabara.

Kuwabara smiled, and sighed, "Yeah...you know…you sound a lot like him, Hiei I mean... Speaking of which, Hiei's over at Genkai's...it's a shrine. I can give you directions if you need it."

Mukuro appeared next to him, and sat down across from him, sitting very stiffly. "I know where it is," she said plainly, "I don't need directions, but I do have a question...how is it you and Hiei are friends?"

Kuwabara sputtered, and laughed, shaking his head, "No...No we're not friends...he hates my guts...we're just…well comrades…uh…I don't know what else to say really…"

Mukuro smiled mysteriously at him, "He likes you...he may be able to lie to you but he can't lie to me...He sees you for the man that you crave to be...a man like your father." Kuwabara flinched, but the strangely kind, and cold woman went on, "I think he's a little envious at your passion for your honor. He has his own honor, in his own special way, but he sees you, and knows that yours outshines him, I think you almost make him jealous."

"Why are you telling me this?" Kuwabara asked leaning against the building, slumped in an undignified manner. Mukuro stared at him, and let his question hang in the air before rising, and going back to the railing.

"They don't want you to die Kuwabara. So don't even consider it."

Kuwabara looked away from her, turned back to say something, and found she was gone. He stayed there for a moment longer, sighed, and left.

At home he ate dinner. Watched TV. with his sister. Called up his old Gang. Played with his cat. Talked to Yusuke for a few hours. And went to sleep, setting his alarm for five A.M. At that time he got up. Brushed his hair. Brushed his teeth. Put on deodorant. Gelled up his hair, and threw all that in his back pack, along with clothes, and a bag of bread. He took everything he would need but one thing.

Kuwabara left the contacts behind.

He was tired of hiding the crosses.

Tired of hiding what had happened to him.

He was just plain tired.

Kuwabara wrote another good-bye note, like he'd done before, that read,

"Dear everyone,


I'm going away for a while. Don't wait for me, but I promise I'll return in a few years. Try not to worry. I need to sort things out with my self. There are many things wrong with me right now, and I don't want you all thinking that I'm going to drop down dead every few seconds. I won't do that. I'm Kazuma Kuwabara, the man, I won't do anything bad to myself. I'll really try not to. Urameshi, get married. Don't make Keiko wait; you've already had to make her wait so many times. Keiko please have your wedding, and don't worry about me. I don't know when I'll be back. But I won't be gone forever. I won't do that to you guys.

--Thanks Kazuma Kuwabara. "

Kuwabara left the house after petting Eckiji, and looking in at his sister while she slept. He sighed and left his house key on the dresser with the note.

He left the apartment, and strode out the building, and down the street. Kuwabara smiled as he walked under the lit street lamps, thinking of his friends. He was a really lucky guy…he loved every last one of them. He stopped to look at himself in a glass window, seeing the crosses looking back at him. He smiled, feeling oddly comforted by the small crosses...hiding them had done him no good and now that they were revealed for the whole world again he felt a weight lift his chest. His heart still ached, but hiding these crosses were no better. He continued to walk on, Kuwabara wondering when he would return. Checking his clock, he figured he had about another few minutes to get to the train station. He was taking the earliest train, and buying a ticket that would manage to get him out of the town as far as he could go.

Kuwabara arrived just in time managing to be on the train at six in the morning, and boarded the train pausing to look behind him. His pale blue eyes looked at the city knowing it would be a long time before he saw it again. He thought of all his memories there, but as the train whistled, Kuwabara turned his back on his old life, and boarded the train.

Kuwabara found a seat by a window, and sat down glancing at a man who sat in front of him. He had his hat lowered, and a heavy coat on, with a bottle of whine in his hand. Kuwabara tried not to laugh at this fellow who he reeked of beer, but had to allow himself a small chuckle so he wouldn't burst. Next to him was another fellow, his face turned away from Kuwabara, also wearing a heavy coat and curled up in the seat. He was snoring loudly…

'What a lively pair,' Kuwabara mused to himself.

"Jean...?" The man holding the beer mumbled, opening his eyes. He blinked and tilted his hat, and sharp brown eyes fell on Kuwabara. Kuwabara shifted nervously under his gaze, and the drunk asked, "Are you part of a cult?"

Kuwabara blinked blushed hard, touched near his eyes, and whispered, "No...I was in an accident..."

The man coughed and shook his head, "First time traveling by train?" He asked with a hic.

"Yes," Kuwabara whispered, "I'm leaving home for a while." The man nodded, and his eyes seemed to sober up, and he leaned toward Kuwabara whispering, "Running away then?" Kuwabara nodded nervously, wanting the man to go away. He was a little unsettling…as if he knew everything that was going on in Kuwabara's head.

The drunken man leaned back, looked at Kuwabara and nodded as if he did indeed know something.

He sighed and opened his mouth, eyes flashing as if he was going to relay some wise information, "I have to take a shit," He staggered off bumping into the man curled up in the seat muttering, "Sorry Jean," and was gone.

Kuwabara let out a relieved sigh at the man's departure and just continued to fidget nervously while looking out the window. All he could see now were trees and a lake; this city Kuwabara called home and dearly loved had completely vanished. So this was really it…Kuwabara sighed and smiled sadly. There was no turning back now.

"Good-bye guys."

A coughing caught his attention, and a raspy slurring voice asked, "Who yaz saying good-bye to?"

Kuwabara looked over at the other drunk and sighed.

He sure knew how to pick seats.

"Just...my life...my friends...me I guess."

A hiccup caught him, and the voice mumbled, "Shouldn't have left without sayin' good-bye to those frien's faces...es...es...es." Kuwabara looked at him, the drunken man obviously trying to get up, and out of his chair.

"Well...I couldn't face them...they'd talk me out of leaving...but I had to...I was a bother and I wanted my friends to be happy again...but that can't do that if they have to worry about me wanting to...to..."

Another hiccup, "Dis'pear?"

Kuwabara nodded, "Yes. But I want to come back...that's why I needed to leave. I got to sort things out, and then I can go home...and apologize, if they'll forgive me." Kuwabara would have said more but the drunk, or Jean, toppled onto the floor. Kuwabara almost laughed again, but bent down and began helping the man up.

Then a surprisingly strong hand grabbed a hold of Kuwabara's wrist, and Kuwabara froze as completely sober eyes looked up at him.

"You should have tried to make them understand how badly you were hurting."

Kuwabara shakily removed the man's hat, and found Yusuke's brown eyes, glaring at him, and a smug smile on his face. Kuwabara sat on the ground, still being held by the wrist by his best friend. "How did...what...-" Two throats were cleared, and Kuwabara looked next to him, seeing Kurama and Hiei in the seats across from him.

"Mukuro tipped us off you'd be leaving...we just figured out where'd you go, and beat you to it," Kurama said smiling at the stunned teen.

Kuwabara's mouth dropped open, "I didn't even know I was leaving until just yesterday afternoon!! How the hell did that woman know!? Aren't I the psychic here?"

Hiei chuckled at Kuwabara's outburst, "Mukuro works in mysterious ways…She doesn't need any psychic powers to be able to tell what your next moves are here."

Yusuke shook his coat off, and grabbed Kuwabara's shoulders. "You son of a bitch...I had to endure being called 'Jean' by a drunk for a good forty minutes before you showed up."

Hiei laughed suddenly, and nodded towards Kuwabara, "Go easy on him Yusuke, he still seems a little stunned."

"Guys...seriously…what are you doing!?" Kuwabara finally spoke again looking miserable,

"Why you doing this...why are you here?"

Yusuke forced Kuwabara to his feet, "I don't know about you, but I'm tried of being split up by some bad shit we've been dealt, and you know what...if you really need to go, then go, but we're coming with you. We're not being split up anymore-AND DAMMIT KUWABARA! YOU'RE BEING MY BEST MAN AT MY DAMN WEDDING, YOU GOT ME PAL?" When Yusuke started shouting at him, he grabbed Kuwabara by the front of his shirt and screamed in his face, making sure the big guy got the point that Yusuke was really tired of them all having to be separated.

Yusuke then sat down folded his arms, and asked, "So...where we going then?"

Kuwabara looked at his three friends, who all smirked at him, and he sighed, sitting down propping his feet up on Yusuke, who swore loudly at Kuwabara. The copper haired man sighed and laughed saying, "I dunno...we'll get off on the last stop…how does that sound?"

Yusuke nodded, glaring at Kuwabara's legs, "yeah whatever-DON'T TOUCH ME QUEER!"

Laughter rolled out on the train as it drove off towards the sun, taking the group to an unknown destination.

End of this chapter

LAST EPISODE COMING UP! YES! Well not really, cuz there's gonna be a bonus episode where we see what's going on after the last episode. You know just how everyone is doing and all. Been a pleasure.