"Because I Love Him"
by Olivia Sutton
"Snapshots" Universe
Part 5 of 6
Marty pulled into the car park for the small riverside park. He turned off the car, then turned in the seat and looked at Jeff. Jeff 's face was determined. Marty sighed, then got out of the car.
Marty went to the boot, opened it, took out the box, and slammed close the boot. He took the box to Jeff.
Jeff was sitting in the car, then he got out. "Over there, Marty. The gazebo."
Marty nodded. He sat the box on the now vacant passenger seat, and opened it. He lifted out the two guns, handing one to Jeff.
"Are they loaded?" Jeff asked.
"Yes," Marty answered. He turned, then showed Jeff, "That's the safety catch. You slid it back when you're going to shoot."
Jeff nodded, then placed the gun to his own temple.
"NO! Wait! Jeff, it's better," Marty took his own gun, and put in his mouth, then took it out again. He grasped Jeff's arm, "That is BETTER, Jeff."
Jeff nodded, moving the gun from his head, and putting it at his side. Marty nodded, took his gun and put it at his side as well. Marty locked the car, then pocketed the keys. They walked over to the gazebo. Marty peaked inside, it was empty. He walked in and fell to his knees on the sandy dirt floor, Jeff fell to his knees before him.
Jeff, one other thing. One LAST thing.
What?
I want you to put your gun in my mouth. I'll put mine in yours. Then we fire together.
Jeff thought for a moment, "But that's murder, Marty."
"Only technically, Jeff." Please it's what I want.
You want to kill me?
NO! I want you to kill me, Jeff. That's what I want. Your hand firing the gun that ends my life. My LOVER doing this for me, Jeff. And I'm willing to take your life for you, in return - I've thought about it, and it is what I want.
I agree, Marty.
I thought you would.
And I think I understand why, too, Marty. I really think that I do.
I knew you would. And this is better, Jeff. It is. Marty put an arm around Jeff and held him close. Jeff put an arm around Marty and held him close. Marty brought his gun up, and disengaged the safety. Jeff took it in his mouth. Jeff brought up his gun.
I slide it back? Towards me?
Yes, Jeff.
Jeff disengaged the safety catch. Marty took the gun in his mouth.
Count of three and then say do it and fire.
I got it, Marty.
Jeff - one last time, one final time. Are you absolutely sure? Completely? Maybe with further therapy you'll be all right?
I'm sure, Marty. Therapy isn't working. I died... I died the night those bastards gang-raped me, Marty. This is just... it's turning off the switch, unplugging the machinery.
I understand.
Are you sure you want this? Asked Jeff.
I can't live without you, Jeff. I'm sure. I am positive this is what I want. I love you, Jeff.
I love you, Marty.
ONE, thought Marty.
TWO, thought Jeff.
Three, thought Marty.
WAIT! screamed Jeff.
Marty stopped, pulling his gun from his partner's mouth. Jeff? You've changed your mind?
Jeff pulled his gun from Marty's mouth, and set it on the ground, dropping it. "I can't do it, Marty. I can't kill you. I simply can't"
"How about yourself, Jeff?" Marty asked, fingering the gun in his hand to engage the safety. "Jeff, have you changed your mind? Do you want to kill yourself now?" He asked, looking at Jeff, searching his eyes for the truth.
"No." Jeff touched Marty's shoulders, "No, I don't. Not if it means that you'd... die, Marty."
Jeff, swear to me. Swear to me right now, that you aren't going to kill yourself. That you won't sneak off behind my back and do it, Jeff. Because so help me, if you do, I will kill myself. That I swear to you, Jeff.
Jeff reached up, stroking Marty's face, "I swear to you, Marty, I absolutely swear it-- I'm not going to kill myself. I'll... I will learn to live with what happened, Marty. Somehow."
Marty dropped his gun to the ground, then pulled Jeff into a tight hug. Jeff began sobbing, and Marty ran his hands up and down Jeff's back, comforting him, tears of relief in his own eyes. Jeff, it will get better. I swear to you. It will. It did for me, eventually I lived through it. I made it through everything, Jeff, and so will you. I love you, Jeff.
Jeff swallowed his tears, I'll make it through, Marty. I will. But I don't know yet, HOW I'll make it through. The counseling really isn't working.
We'll find you someone else, Jeff. And... Jeff, don't worry so much about not being intimate with me. It's all right that you aren't.
Don't you want me after what happened?
Of course I do, of course I do. But I would never hurt you. I will NEVER ever hurt you, Jeff. Give yourself time, okay? Please, Jeff - I love you, give yourself time to learn to live with what happened. Marty took Jeff's shoulders and held him, so they could see each others faces. Marty had tears in his own blue eyes, as he stared into Jeff's tear-filled dark brown eyes. "Jeff - this was very close, almost too close, do you realise that?"
Jeff nodded, sniffing back his tears, "Yah, Marty. I know."
"I love you, Jeff. Never, ever again-- NEVER, Do you hear me?"
Jeff nodded, shivering under Marty's grip on his shoulders, "I swear it, Marty. I have changed me mind. I'm not going to kill myself, because I know I'd be killing you. And I can NOT do that. I swear, Marty. I simply can't and I won't. I love you." Jeff touched Marty's face, petting his hair.
"Let's get the hell out of here, Jeff. Let's go home," Marty knelt, picking up the guns, checking that both had the safety engaged, then with one hand around Jeff's shoulders, he steered him to the car. Marty placed the guns back in the box, and lifted it onto the roof of the car. Then he held the passenger side door open for Jeff.
Jeff sat down. "What are you going to do with them?"
"For now, put them in the boot. Later on, the office safe. But eventually, give them back to the person I got them from."
"Marty - you borrowed two handguns from somebody?"
"Didn't have a whole lot of notice, Jeff. So - yeah, I did."
"Who?"
"That would be telling."
"Marty, Come on. I'm not going to try and get them back. Now who?"
Marty sighed, then stooped down to look at Jeff, "Bill, all right? I got them from Bill."
"Bill? Jesus, Marty, did you tell him what they were for?"
"No, just that... that we needed protection. I lied, obviously. I mean - I arranged everything in case we... well, let's put it this way... if anything ever happens to either of us, everything is very neatly planned out. I told you that, Jeff."
Jeff nodded, "So... Bill would have sussed it? I mean, you wanted it to look like murder, but he would have sussed it?"
"Eventually. Yeah, I think, he would have," Marty answered, looking at Jeff.
"Would he have told me mum?"
"I don't know. I hoped that he wouldn't."
Jeff nodded, putting his hands to his face, "Put them in the boot."
Marty nodded, checked that the guns were safely in the box, closed it, and put the box in the boot. Whilst the boot was still open, Marty collapsed to his knees next to it and began sobbing.
Jeff sat in the car, then noticed that Marty hadn't joined him. He opened the car door and went around to the rear of the car, Marty sat in a heap on the ground next to the car boot.
Jeff walked up to Marty and gently touched his shoulder, Marty jumped, then looked up at Jeff, he took a deep breath and tried to control his tears.
Jeff knelt down next to Marty, "Marty? Marty, are you all right?"
Marty slowly shook his head, "No, but I will be. Never, ever, again, Jeff. Please, don't ever do something like this to me again. I..."
Jeff sat next to Marty, then gently pulled him into a hug, "I'm sorry."
Marty relaxed in Jeff's arms, then turned his head towards Jeff. Jeff responded by lightly kissing Marty, then hugging him tight.
Jeff stroked Marty's hair, "I really am sorry, Marty."
Marty took a deep breath and then said, "Jeff, you are all right, that's all that matters now. Please don't be sorry," he reached over and lightly touched Jeff's face, "Don't be sorry that you're still here, Jeff."
Jeff began shaking, "I'm not. I'm sorry that I put you through hell, Marty."
"You didn't," Marty answered.
Jeff nodded, "I did. I wasn't thinking of you, not really. Except that in a way it felt," Jeff paused, "Reassuring, that I would have a companion for my death."
Marty looked at him, "Jeff, you have changed your mind, haven't you? You aren't still thinking about arranging your own death? Please promise me that..."
Jeff cut Marty off, putting a hand to his lips, then he held Marty's shoulders tightly, and looked him straight in the eye, "I swear to you, Marty. I really mean it. I know it's hard for you to understand, but I have changed my mind. I have, Marty. You don't need to worry."
Marty reached out, and touched Jeff's temple, then stroked his hair, "I'll always worry about you, Jeff. I love you."
Jeff nodded, "I love you, Marty. And right now, I really would like to go home. I... I'm exhausted for one thing. And I want to get out of here for another... this place already has ghosts, if you understand me?"
Marty nodded, "Yah."
Jeff helped Marty to stand, then walked around the car and got in on the passenger side.
Marty slammed shut the car boot, walked around the car, opened the driver's side door, and got in.
Jeff turned to Marty once they were both in the car, "Marty, I need to ask you something."
"What's that, Jeff?" Marty asked, turning towards Jeff in the car.
"What would you have done if I hadn't changed my mind? What would you have done if I'd fired instead?"
Marty looked right at Jeff and answered without skipping a beat, "Well, that's easy, AND obvious, Jeff. I would have died. In fact, both of us would have. I swear to you, Jeff. If you had been that determined. Then I would have died. Plain and simple. Your mum would have buried us, and Bill would have all the instructions for that. The End, you know? That would have been it."
Jeff shuddered, then nodded. "You love me that much?"
"Yes, Jeff, I do. Now, are you ready to go home?"
Jeff nodded, again, mutely.
Marty put his key in the ignition of the car, and turned it over, pulling out to take them both home.
Marty pulled the car into the driveway next to their house, turned off the engine, then sat back in the seat, "Jeff?"
Jeff shook himself awake, "I'm all right, Marty," he looked about, "We're home. I must have dozed off in the car."
"You were sound asleep, Jeff. I don't think I've seen you sleep that soundly in two months."
"Yah, well, I had other things on my mind."
Marty looked at him, then touched his shoulder, "Jeff - Jeff, you have changed your mind, haven't you?"
Jeff put a hand over Marty's, "Yeah. I have. This time I have, Marty. For you, I'm going to learn, well, to try to learn how to cope with it. Okay, Marty? Please, I need you to trust me."
Marty looked deep in Jeff's eyes, and saw a glint of life there - where it had been gone for some time, "I do trust you, Jeff. I do. And I love you," Marty moved forward towards Jeff in the car, "Is it alright?"
Jeff met Marty halfway, and the two kissed. Jeff cautiously deepened the kiss, and Marty responded, hungrily. Marty put his arms around Jeff, holding him tightly. Jeff put his hands to Marty's face, and then kissed him some more. Finally, Marty broke the kiss. "I think we should go inside."
"Yah, we should," Jeff answered. With a hand on Marty's shoulder, Jeff said, "I love you, Marty," then he got out of the car.
Marty nodded to himself, then followed Jeff back into their house.
A few days later, Marty walked in Bill Smith's office, the box under his arm.
"Hi, Marty," said Bill Smith.
Marty smiled, then put the box on Bill's desk.
Bill opened it, checked the contents, then went to his wall safe and opened it. "Marty, What was all this about?" he asked casually.
Marty looked behind him, checking that the door to the office was tightly closed, then answered "What do you mean?"
Bill took the box, and put it back in the wall safe, "C'mon Marty, I know you better than that. You told me you needed weapons, you implied you and Jeff were having some trouble, and you wanted to be prepared to look after Jeff. Now, here it is, a few days later, and you're bringing them back. Come on, tell me."
"As long as you have the safe open, I need that letter back. The one for Mrs. Anna Randall?"
Bill took the letter out, then closed the safe. He handed it to Marty.
Marty smiled, his eyes burning with tears, then took the letter and slipped it in his coat pocket.
Bill looked at Marty's expression, then walked in front of his desk and sat on the edge, "Marty, What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Marty said, tears coming to his eyes, "Nothing, now. It's fine. He's all right, and..." Marty began to cry.
Bill looked at Marty with even more concern, "Tell me. What happened? What almost happened? I've known you and Jeff, for years, we're friends. Or at least I thought we were. Now, what are you on about, Marty. Tell me! I can help."
Marty looked at Bill, then said, "It goes no further than this room. You can't tell ANYONE, Bill."
"I swear, Marty. I only want to help."
Marty nodded, then got up and began to pace before the desk, taking a deep breath, he said, "Jeff tried to kill himself. Just over a week ago. And... And when he woke up in hospital he swore to me he'd do it again. He was so determined."
"What? Why?"
"Because of his attack. Bill, it... it changed him, he spiralled into... into the deepest, darkest depression. He wasn't the same man anymore. And he became fixated on the idea of ending his own life." Marty took another deep breath, then collapsed into a chair, "So I... God, Bill, I played along with it, played into his... his fixation with death. I swore to him that if he was going to die, so would I. We'd both... die. I began taking care of things, planning things, making arrangements, finalising everything."
"God, Marty, what are you telling me?"
Marty looked right into Bill's eyes, "I'm telling you that those guns were for us. Us both. If Jeff was going to... to kill himself, then I wasn't going to survive him. All the arrangements I made, had a purpose."
Bill paled, "What... What did you do? Obviously you're still alive. So is Jeff. What changed?"
"It got down to the wire. And he was still determined. So I... I played the last card I had. I told him, made him... I arranged it so we'd both die, but... I'd shoot him though the mouth and he'd shoot me, through the mouth, we'd blow each other's brains out. No chance of either of us surviving. That was the plan. I asked him over and over, 'Are you sure?' at every step, every instance that we'd planned out, and he keep telling me he was. At the last second... god, we'd counted to three, at the last second he said "WAIT" not "do it". So we both survived. And he will never do it again. He's snapped out of his depression. He's my Jeff again."
"God, Marty. Risky, wasn't it?"
"No... for me there was no risk. Not really. Either he'd pull the trigger and we'd both be dead. Or he'd really change his mind. That he's completely snapped out of his depression is a bonus. Actually, kneeling there, with Jeff in my arms, knowing I was probably seconds from my own death. Bill, it was very, very calming. Seductive. I'm glad we have another chance, and I love Jeff so much... But I don't think I will ever forget how seductive that felt."
"Jesus, Marty."
"I'm telling you, Bill. There was no risk for me. For me it was win-win - either Jeff would do it, and I'd die; and thus not care anymore - or he wouldn't, and I'd have him back. It was the best solution I could come up with. Nothing else worked with Jeff - not counseling, not threats, not ignoring him, not giving him attention. It may have been a drastic solution, but it bloody worked."
Bill nodded, "What was in that letter, Marty?"
Marty smiled, "Probably not what you would think. It's... it's a bit of everything. An explanation for Jeff's mum. She didn't know about his attempt either." Marty held up the letter, then carefully put it in his pocket, "This told her that. I told her... explained, how Jeff had... changed. I told Mrs. Randall, how much I loved her son, and that I loved her as well - she did raise me, Bill. Then I told her, goodbye. That I wouldn't out-live Jeff. It outlines everything, from the time of Jeff's attack, forward."
"Marty, remind me to never play chess with you? How did you... how could you manoeuvre everything like that."
"I did it, because I love him."
Bill nodded. "Go, go home to Jeff. I won't tell a soul. I won't tell anyone, even if something does happen to one of you, and hopefully that won't be anytime soon. Go on, Marty. I think he needs you - and you need him."
Marty nodded, "Thanks for listening, Bill. I did... I needed to talk about it. It wasn't exactly easy for me, manoeuvring things, coming up with something that would work. But I had to do it. Goodbye, Bill." Marty stood up and started to walk towards the office door.
"Bye, Marty," Bill answered, staring at Marty in shock, "Hey, Marty, wait."
Marty turned, and looked at Bill.
Bill took a deep breath and said, "I want you to know something. I'm... I'm jealous, Marty." Bill raised his hands up, "And before you get the wrong idea, I'm happily married to Gina. I mean, I'm jealous of your relationship with Jeff. I wish Gina looked at me the way Jeff looks at you. I wish I could, do something even close to what you did for Jeff, for Gina. I mean, Marty, the two of you have the closest relationship, I have ever seen, do you know how lucky you are?"
Marty nodded, "Yah, I do know, Bill. Believe me, I've always felt, grateful, to have found Jeff, to have him in my life." Marty looked at his watch, "It's after five, I need to get home to him. Bye, Bill."
Bill nodded, then sat again, "Bye, Marty."
TO BE CONTINUED
