"Because I Love Him"
by Olivia Sutton
"Snapshots" Universe
Part 6 of 6
Marty threw open the door to their house, kicking off his shoes, "Jeff, I'm home!" When there wasn't an immediate answer, Marty screamed, "Jeff? JEFF!" and started to run towards the stairs.
Then Jeff came out from the kitchen, wiping his hands on a dish-towel, naked to the waist. "What, Marty? What is it? I was just in the kitchen, and..."
Jeff didn't finish his sentence as Marty turned, looked at Jeff standing there, then raced to him, lightly grabbing Jeff's arms, then he let go, "Jeff?"
Jeff looked at Marty in confusion, "Marty, What is it?" He dropped the dish towel and put his now dry hand to Marty's face, then pet his hair, "God, you're shaking. What's wrong, Marty? What is so wrong?"
"Nothing," at Jeff insistent look, Marty whispered, "Oh, all right. I... I had a flashback. When you didn't answer me, I..." Marty left off, then brought his hand to Jeff's face. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have over-reacted like that."
Jeff looked deep into Marty's eyes, "I was in the kitchen. Cleaning, and doing the washing-up. The water was running. Marty..."
Marty carefully hugged Jeff, then kissed him. Jeff returned the kiss, deepening it, then broke off.
Marty began to mumble apologies, when Jeff put his hand to Marty's lips, and shushed him, then dragged him to the sofa, in the lounge. Jeff lay down on the couch, pulling Marty on top of himself, "Kiss me, Marty, kiss me like you mean it. Really kiss me."
Marty looked into Jeff's eyes, and felt a rush of love and passion at the smouldering lust in his partner's eyes. Marty covered Jeff's body with his own, and kissed Jeff's closed eyes, then his forehead, and his cheeks. Then he moved to Jeff's mouth, kissing him hard and passionately, putting his tongue in Jeff's mouth. Jeff pulled Marty closer, running his hands over Marty's clothed back and shoulders, kissing Marty passionately.
Marty came up for air, and Jeff took the opportunity to yell, "Yes! Yes, Marty. Take me, right here and now."
Marty nodded, kissed Jeff's lips again, then he took Jeff's arm in his own hand, kissing Jeff's shoulder, then down his arm. Marty turned over Jeff's arm, and licked the scar there, feeling Jeff's pulse, trying to erase memories in his mind of finding Jeff in the bathtub, not that long ago, then continued, kissing and licking Jeff's chest and belly. Marty slid down, taking his hands and undoing Jeff's trousers, he pushed them down Jeff's legs, and off and onto the floor.
"Yes, Marty, god, yes!"
Marty pushed down Jeff's pants and took his penis in his mouth, licking and sucking with all the passion in his soul. Jeff thrust into Marty's mouth, and flooded Marty with his own feelings of love. Marty continued, pleasuring Jeff, enjoying the feel of his lover's hardness in his mouth, and soaking up the flood of feelings of love from Jeff. Marty sent Jeff his own feelings of love and continued, until Jeff finally came. Marty swallowed, then turned on the couch, taking Jeff into his arms and kissing him.
Jeff looked deep into Marty's lust-filled blue eyes, Upstairs. Upstairs now. I want... I want you, Marty. And I want to, I want to make love to you.
Marty nodded, getting up, then pulling Jeff up off the sofa. They went up to the bedroom, Jeff not even bothering to put his trousers or pants back on. In the bedroom, Jeff took off Marty's suitcoat, placing it on a chair in the bedroom, then took off Marty's loose tie and dropped it to the floor. Marty had unbuttoned his shirt, and Jeff eased it off and to the floor. Jeff undid Marty's belt, then his trousers, Marty tripped, falling onto the bed. Jeff giggled, then pulled off Marty's trousers, falling onto the bed on top of Marty. They rolled on the bed, and Jeff murmured, "There are times when I am glad you don't wear underwear, Marty."
Marty smiled, then kissed Jeff, "I love you, Jeff. I love you."
"I know," Jeff kissed Marty back. I love you. Make love to me. Now. Make love to me now, Marty.
Marty pulled out of Jeff's embrace, "Are you sure, Jeff? Are you really sure? I don't want to..."
"...to hurt me. I know. Marty, I'm ready. I want this, and I need it, and I'm better, Marty, I am." Jeff put his hand on the side of Marty's forehead, taking his other hand to Marty's shoulder and pulled him closer, then he dropped all the barriers in his mind and sent, Marty, what do you sense?
Marty entered Jeff's mind, responding to the invitation, What do you mean, what do I sense?
What do you sense? Marty, think, and feel. Feel my mind, Marty, what do you sense?
Marty entered Jeff's mind more deeply, deeper than he normally did to allow simple transference of thoughts, then happiness flooded his soul and Jeff's like sunshine, It's gone! The darkness, it's gone.
Marty pulled back a bit, and looked at Jeff, The shadow over you, it's gone. And the darkness that was taking over your mind. It's just... it's not there, Jeff. Not at all, not even a tiny bit.
I know, Marty. It's been gone... well, since... since I changed my mind. I wasn't sure at first, I thought it might come back, but it's gone. I'm free. Jeff stroked Marty's face with his hand, then whispered in his ear, "I'm free of it, Marty. Free of that... darkness, depression I suppose it was, but I'm free. And I'm very much in love with you. Let me feel your love for me, enter me, make love to me, Marty. It's been... it's been so long. Please."
"Yah, I will, Jeff. You can't know how happy this makes me."
"I think I can know. I do. Marty - now would be nice."
Marty nodded, then pulled Jeff into a tight hug. Then he kissed him, entering his tongue into Jeff's mouth and exploring, then pulling out, and backing up a little on the bed to give Jeff space. Jeff rolled onto his stomach. Marty reached over to the nightstand, then realised their oil wasn't even there. "Damn! I forgot. Jeff, I'll be right back - there's lotion in the bathroom, for now, and we can..." Marty smiled, "We can go to the shops for oil later on, okay? Tonight, or tomorrow?"
Jeff smiled, tears of joy in his eyes, "Yeah, go, Marty. Get the lotion. And we can shop later," Jeff raised his eyebrows on the word, 'shop', giving Marty a very randy look.
I'll be quick, Jeff! Marty sent back, getting out of bed and rushing to the bathroom. He returned, to find Jeff in bed, propping himself up on an elbow.
Take me, Marty.
Yah, I will. I love you, Jeff.
I love you, Marty.
Marty moved to the bed, and Jeff lay on his stomach. Marty straddled him, then poured some hand lotion on Jeff's back, massaging his shoulders. Jeff groaned with pleasure. Marty moved his hands down, running them along Jeff's back, then added more lotion to his hands and rubbing Jeff's arse. He poured lotion on his hand, and rubbed it on Jeff, then took his hand and coated his own already aroused and hard penis. Marty flooded Jeff with feelings of love and trust, then entered him, taking his lover with gentle strokes.
Jeff moaned and flooded Marty with feelings of love, asking his lover to make love to him. Wanting more and more.
Marty complied with Jeff's every request, finally coming with an urgent yell, and collapsing, exhausted onto Jeff's back, before sliding out and moving to lie next to Jeff in the bed. Jeff lay exhausted next to Marty for a second, then turned, taking Marty into his arms and kissing him. It WAS good, Marty.
Jeff straddled Marty and reached for the hand lotion on the bed, as Marty had for him, Jeff massaged Marty's shoulders, relaxing him, then massaged Marty's buttocks. Marty, I want you to know. Thank you. Thank you for saving my life. I know... I think I know what you did, Marty, what your plan was. And I... I know that if I had... if I'd made a different decision, you would have died. Both of us would have. You would have sacrificed yourself for me. Marty... Jeff paused, then added, Marty, I love you. And I'm better now, truly better. You know that, I let you feel it, gave you access to parts of myself where I could never lie, not that I would EVER lie to you, Marty. You are my lover, and my partner, and everything to me, everything, and now you've felt the deepest parts of my soul. Jeff bent and kissed Marty's shoulder.
Jeff, I do love you.
I know, Marty, and I'm trying to let you know, that I love you. Now even more than ever. I am sorry, though, that I took us to the edge. But maybe I needed that.
Make love to me, Jeff, and stop worrying, okay?
Okay. Love you.
Jeff spread lotion on Marty's arse, coated himself, then entered Marty. He made love to Marty, flooding him with feelings, bathing him with feelings of his love, trust, friendship. Passion filled Jeff's soul as he made love to Marty, yelling out his lover's name, and reflecting his feelings of passion back to Marty.
Marty cried with happiness as he felt Jeff's feelings, and he melted under Jeff's fire, "Yes, Jeff! God, yes! Take me!" he yelled, loving every minute of Jeff in his body.
Jeff continued with deep, loving, gentle strokes, enjoying everything he was doing. Finally, with a rush and a yell, he came, collapsing onto Marty's back, then rolling next to him in the bed. Jeff took Marty in his arms, holding Marty tight, wiping away Marty's tears with his hand. "You all right, Marty?"
"Yeah, finally. For the first time in two months."
Jeff nodded his understanding, moving closer.
"How about you?"
"Marty, I'm fine. I'm perfect at this moment. And in love with you."
"THAT I know, Jeff," Marty moved to Jeff, kissing him lightly, running his hands through Jeff's hair, "That I know."
Marty cuddled Jeff to him, then they both relaxed, falling into a deep, restful, calm sleep.
Marty awoke, and stretched, then jolted awake to sit up as he realised that Jeff was no longer besides him. "Jeff?" Marty said, sleepily.
Jeff stood near the chair in the bedroom, in his dressing gown, a letter in his hand, "Marty, What is this? It was in your suit coat pocket, and it's addressed to me mum."
Marty slid to the edge of the bed, sitting up, then got up and found his dressing gown, tying it around his waist, then he walked over to Jeff, and kissed his temple. "It's... Bill was holding it for me, Jeff. If... if we had gone through with it, he would have given that to your mother."
Jeff looked at Marty, then swallowed, "But what is it?"
Marty gently touched Jeff's face, then said, "It's... I had to write it, Jeff. I wanted, no, I needed to explain, and to say goodbye to your mum."
Jeff dropped the envelope, paling.
Marty bent and picked it up, "Read it Jeff, I want you to."
Jeff looked at Marty, then moved aside Marty's suitcoat, sitting in the chair in shocked silence. Marty stood next to Jeff, his hands on his partner's shoulders. Jeff opened the envelope, unfolded the letter, the reached up and grasped Marty's hand with one hand, whilst holding the paper in the other hand.
Dear Mrs. Randall - Mum, the letter began
If you are reading this, it means I failed. I couldn't protect Jeff and I couldn't change his mind. And it means I'm gone. Mrs. Randall - Mum, this is odd, very odd. Because if I can protect Jeff, or change his mind, then I will destroy this letter. But for now, I will leave it with Bill Smith, our solicitor, for you.
I love your son, Mrs. Randall. I always have, since we were boys. And I cannot imagine my life without him, so... I'm sorry, let me start, at the beginning.
Jeff, Jeff was attacked, Mrs. Randall. Well, you know about that. But you don't know what it did to him. It changed him. Made him morose, melancholy. He starting talking about his own death, and.., and we couldn't. We no longer had a physical relationship, because of what those bastards did to him. Well, you know that as well, but I love him, it didn't matter to me that... that Jeff didn't want, that he couldn't be intimate with me. But it bothered him. He missed the intimacy, even though, it was his own mind that made it impossible for us to be intimate, Mrs. Randall. And I want you to know, it didn't matter to me. I love him. I wanted to love him, to make love to him, but it hurt him so, and I would never, ever, ever hurt him. So the lack of a physical relationship...didn't matter to me. It didn't. And I did believe that in time, we would return to the level of intimacy we had always had, since we were sixteen, and... Just know I love him, I love your son, and ... nothing would ever change that.
Mrs. Randall, it's so hard to tell you this bit. I know Jeff wouldn't want you to know, but then, if your reading this, it doesn't matter what Jeff wants. Not in this. And you deserve the entire truth. What they did to him, it changed Jeff. He became suicidally depressed, and then. And then, Mrs. Randall - Mum, he attempted to... to kill himself. He slit his wrists, both of them, lengthwise, as you do if you're serious. I found him, got him to hospital, and he survived. But it was... It made me realise a few things, especially when he told me - he swore to me - he'd do it again. So we made a pact.
"You told her! You told her that I..." Jeff let got of Marty's hand.
"Jeff, I know, I'm sorry. She still doesn't know, Jeff. She hasn't seen this letter. She would only have seen it, if, if we...were..." Marty took a deep breath.
"I know."
"I didn't know what the coppers would say to her, Jeff. I hoped they'd think, we'd been murdered, but I didn't know. If they told her it was suicide, I wanted her to understand why." Marty kissed Jeff.
"God, Marty." Jeff put a hand to Marty's face, then said, "But... I thought, I mean, with two guns, and shooting each other, I thought you wanted it to look like murder, Marty, I did."
Marty nodded, "But your mum deserved the whole truth."
"Oh, Marty." Jeff put a hand to Marty's face, touched him, then grasped his hand again, "Let me finish reading."
Mrs. Randall, I will do everything in my power to change his mind. Everything. Until the last second. But if I can't. If he is as determined to take his own life as he seems to be. Then. Well, I won't out-live him. I won't outlive your son, I love him too much. And I can't face life without Jeff. I've... I've gotten two guns for us, they are in the boot of my car as I write this. I have seen Bill and finalised things, made all the arrangements, as well. And, and I've decided that if Jeff wants to... to die, well then , so will I. But, please, please know that I will try to change his mind. I will try to stop him. Until the last second, I will make sure he really wants to do, what he's told me he wants to do. And I will try like hell to keep him alive, Mrs. Randall. If you are reading this, I failed. And for that, I am truly sorry. I love your son, Mrs. Randall. I love Jeff. And I love you for everything you've done, raising me, giving me, Jeff, everything. Goodbye.
All my love, Marty
Jeff looked at Marty, wiping tears from his eyes.
Marty took Jeff in his arms, pulling him out of the chair and into a hug, "It's all right, Jeff, it's all right. We're still here, I'm still here, Jeff." Marty kissed Jeff's temple, then his lips.
"Marty, this is more than an explanation that you left for me mum, it's a... it's a suicide note. It's YOUR suicide note, Marty."
"Is it? I suppose. I needed to say goodbye to your mum."
Jeff nodded. "You love me that much? And you really, you really couldn't go on without me?"
Marty nodded, kissing Jeff again.
"Marty, if something did happen to me, if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, don't, all right? Please. You will need to go on. For me, Marty."
"I can't promise you that, Jeff. I can... I can promise that I will try, I will try to go on if... you got hit by a bus... or something, but I can't promise you. All that I can promise, is that I will try. All right?"
"Yah, no... I don't know, Marty, you... you told me, when I woke up, you told me that you would..." Jeff left off, grabbed Marty's hand, then sent an image of 14-year-old Marty with a gun in his hand.
Marty took a deep breath, knelt before the chair where Jeff sat, then put his hands on Jeff's shoulders, stared into his eyes and said, quietly, "Yah, I think I would, Jeff. I don't know if I... if I could possibly live without you. I don't think I could EVER be as close to someone as I am to you, and losing you would be like losing part of myself. No, it would be worse."
Jeff stared back at Marty's eyes, then began shaking, "Oh, god, Marty."
Marty took Jeff in his arms and held him, shushing him and comforting him.
Jeff gradually calmed, then said, "Don't. All right, Marty? For me, please don't. I'd want you to go on. I would."
Marty nodded, then murmured, "I'll keep that in mind, Jeff," then he put Jeff's hand on the side of his forehead, and put his own hand on the side of Jeff's forehead, then completely dropped his barriers, Jeff, go deep, all right? Like you let me do earlier today, yesterday, whatever, go deep. I want you to.
Jeff nodded, gathering his thoughts, All right. Are you sure? There's been times when I've sensed a barrier in you Marty, and I respected the privacy of that.
Do it, Jeff. I want you to. Go ahead and sense my mind, and go deep. You let me do it, and I want you to understand me equally well, and to know me with no barriers. Go on, Marty urged, with the image of a parent gently shooing a child away to school on his first day.
Jeff entered Marty's mind, sensing his thoughts and memories, then There's darkness here, Marty.
I know. Go on in and sense it. It's okay.
Jeff sent agreement, then probed deeper. He sensed images and Marty's feelings ... Oh, Marty, your mum hit you? I mean, I...
There's more Jeff, go on, it's okay.
Jeff probed deeper, sensing Marty's feelings and images from his abuse and rape. Jeff pulled out, crying.
Marty took Jeff in his arms, "Listen, Jeff, listen to me. It's okay, I wanted you to know. Jeff, there is darkness in my soul, it's always been there, and probably always will be. But you are the sun in my sky, Jeff. Because of you, the darkness is... less now. It gets smaller and smaller, though the last few months have... been difficult."
"You have that darkness in your soul all the time, don't you, Marty?"
"Yah, but..."
Jeff looked at Marty, "How? How do you cope with it? Why is it there? I mean, I knew about... the abuse, and your assault, and... and I know it still affects you. But it doesn't seem like..." Jeff sent a quick image of 19-year-old Marty curled into a ball on their bed, "You seem so much better now."
Marty held Jeff tight, I AM better now. Because of you. Because you are IN my life. Jeff, the darkness in my soul gets less and less, the more I'm with you. It was worse, Jeff. When I was fourteen it overwhelmed me. But it has gotten smaller over the years. And that's because of you. The more years I share with you, Jeff, the smaller it gets, the darkness has less of a hold on me. You bring sunshine into my life, Jeff. Marty kissed Jeff's temple, and added, "You beat back the darkness. And you do it without any effort at all, simply by being you, simply by not having darkness in you. I do love you, Jeff."
Jeff kissed Marty's lips, gently, That's why, isn't it? You can't promise me, because of the darkness in you, isn't that right?
Marty nodded, and sent, Uh-huh, yah, Jeff, that's why. I wish I could promise, but I can't, because I won't lie to you about something this important. I honestly do NOT know what I would do without you, Jeff. All I can say is that I would... I would try to go on, knowing that is what you would want.
Jeff nodded, kissed Marty, passionately, It's okay. I understand. And I promise to be careful, to take care of myself, to be careful when we're working at our detective business. Marty, thank you for sharing yourself, your deeper self, with me.
Marty returned the kiss, and held Jeff tight. "Jeff, let's go back to bed."
Jeff nodded, leading Marty to the bed.
The End
