Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.


CHAPTER FOUR

"Hey, Harry?"

"What's up, Neville?"

"I was just wondering… err…" Neville was blushing a bit. "Are you gay?"

"If you're asking if I fancy blokes," Harry carefully replied, "then the answer would be a relatively firm but secretly curious 'no'."

Neville smiled and exhaled loudly. "Oh phew! That's a relief."

Harry looked puzzled. "I never took you for the homophobic type, Nev."

Neville frowned before adopting a look of surprise. "Oh! No," Neville shook his head. "No. It's not that. It's," Neville sighed. "It's my parents."

"You're parents are homophobic?" Harry asked. Harry cocked his head to the side. "You're not gay, are you, Nev?"

Neville looked frightened. "What? No. Noooooo. And praise be to Potter, that you aren't either."

Harry dropped his head in his hands. "Nev, do you even realize how absolutely ridiculous that last statement was."

Nev smiled sheepishly. "Sorry. It's kind of catchy, you have to admit. After a while you just get tired of swearing to Merlin. Praising Potter offers a welcome alternative."

Harry just stared at Neville angrily.

Neville shrugged, relatively unconcerned.

"Wait," Harry remembered. "So why are your parents homophobic?"

Neville smiled. "Oh they're not. In fact, they were especially supportive of the idea last night." Neville was shaking his head. "I'm not sure how the discussion turned into what it did, but, well, long story short, my parents talked me into trying to get you to bugger me."

Harry looked at Neville a bit incredulously.

Neville shrugged. "I can't even remember how we got to that point, but apparently someone swore on their magic that I would turn on the charm, and show you just why we're called Longbottoms."

Harry remained silent and continued to stare at Neville.

"Don't worry," Neville assured him. "We're both safe and in the clear, since you're not gay."

"Neville," Harry slowly responded. "Your family is beginning to scare me."

Neville agreed with a vigorous nod. "I don't know what do. I mean I always dreamed they'd be there for me and love me and support me, but…" Neville winced a little. "They're not what I expected at all."

Harry nodded. "I know what you mean. I used to have all sorts of ideas and impressions about the sort of people my parents were, but they're all based off either a best friend's biased point of view. Or a completely bitter, angry, immature, Snapish point of view."

"Yeah, that's what I mean." Neville agreed. "I mean I love my Mum and Dad and always will. But sometimes, they treat me like a little kid."

Harry smiled sympathetically. "They're probably going to still be adjusting for a long while."

"Yeah, I know." Neville frowned. "I just wished they'd let me order from the adult menus at restaurants and stop slipping booster seats in my chair when I go to the restroom."

Harry furrowed his brow a bit and paused before saying, "Yep. Definitely scaring me a little."

Neville continued. "It's gotten worse since I let Mum share some of my gardens. She's super protective of her little area. Got disillusionment charms covering it even." Neville shook his head. "And all she's growing is one muggle herb that's used for healing! Not even anything magical. It's just ten square meters of this stuff called Cannabis."

Harry restrained his smile as best he could. "Cannabis, eh?"

Neville nodded. "Yeah. Both my parents swear by that muggle stuff. I think they use it spice up desserts as much as for healing." Neville looked thoughtful. "Every time I ask the Earth Element about it, she just giggles at me and avoids the question."

Harry smiled and asked. "So you haven't tried the herb yet?"

Neville shook his head. "I've not been sick and needed any yet. Though last night I did have some brownies that I think Mum may have spiced with it." Neville smiled big. "They were absolutely delicious. I must have had a half dozen of them." Neville frowned a bit. "Come to think of it, so did Mum and Dad. That was when we started laughing about the Quibbler article on you, and then Mum seemed to think it could be true. Finally she and Dad complained about the brownies being gone. Then they got real sad about people that had died. Somehow the conversation went back to you and Mum and Dad started making our wedding plans. Dad kept telling me 'It only hurts the first time, and some risks are worth the rewards.' I'm not too sure on many other details. My memory's a bit hazy. Though I think we played Exploding Snap on somebody's bare back. Next thing I know, Yuppy, our house-elf was putting me to bed."

Harry smiled and laughed. "I'm beginning to think that you're trying to scare me, Nev."

Neville was shaking his head. "Muggle herbs must be more powerful than I thought. Maybe we should get some for the Hogwarts' elves to help flavor up some of their desserts? Could be a big hit at the start of term feast."

Harry bit his bottom lip and calmly replied. "That is an absolutely excellent idea, Neville. If I were you, I'd just try and make it a surprise. Don't let the rest of the staff know, and see if they notice anything tastier about the feast."

Neville smiled at Harry. "Good thinking. I won't even tell the Headmaster. So you have to keep this secret too then."

Harry was trying not to titter. "My lips are sealed."

"Great!" Neville said getting up to leave the DADA office. "Thanks Harry."

"No problem, Neville." Harry replied. "Have a good day."

"You too Harry," Neville called out as he was leaving the office. "And thanks for not being gay."

"My pleasure?" Harry uncertainly responded.

It was only minutes later than the self-proclaimed King of Sneers hurried into the DADA office.

"Potter!" He yelled before yelping and slapping at the phoenix tattoo on his arm. "Gah…you... fine. Harry."

"Severus." Harry responded with a nod.

"I was wanting to talk to Nicholas, but do not know how to contact him." Severus stated with a friendly sneer.

"He's not very easy to track down sometimes." Harry agreed wryly. "Can I ask what this is about? I might be able to help you."

"I'm sure you enjoyed the exclusive that The Quibbler published yesterday." Severus said with a grin.

Harry frowned and growled at Severus before retorting, "Oh? Is that why you're here? Need a hangover cure?"

Snape sneered a smile at Harry until he heard the sound of a zipper going down right behind his ear. His smile thinned and his eyes widened. That was an impressive piece of magic considering Harry been staring at Severus and never made a movement or sound.

"Err, some other time, maybe. Actually I wanted to ask him how the hell there can be Elixir of Life, which has an eighteen month shelf life, when his stone was supposed to have been destroyed after your first year." Severus explained.

"Ahh," Harry said with a small smile. "I can offer two logical possibilities to that. Neither of which involves any of my bodily fluids."

Severus gave a surprised sneer. "Do tell."

"One possibility," Harry began, "is that my friend, Bob, lied straight to my face about my missing sample of the potion." Harry explained offhandedly, "I had some specially made, for testing purposes with the Dementor Blood. The stone used to make it, for all intents and purposes, does not exist in this reality. And I swore one of my samples disappeared, though Bob denied any involvement."

Snape's surprised sneer turned into a confused sneer. He had never heard of any Bob, and certainly not one that Harry would know and trust that well.

"The other possibility, is that the stone in the muggle world has been found by someone who recognized it for what it is." Harry said perfectly normally.

"What!" Severus exclaimed dropping his sneer. "You're telling me some idiot muggle has a Philosopher's Stone and doesn't even know what it is?"

Harry chuckled. "One of those things, where Nicholas woke up the next day and only then realized what he'd done." Harry shook his head, "a small blemish on an otherwise spotless record."

A conniving sneer spread across Severus's face. "I can tell you know, so please share with me this story."

Harry nodded and was quietly snickering. "It's not a very long story. Nicholas was drinking. A little too much. Among muggles. And I quote 'The most seductive alluring whore to ever walk this earth.' Nicholas was too drunk to get any muggle money. So he apparently had enough control over his magic to conjure an exquisite chain, but never thought to conjure money. Bargained like he was at the market until he got the full night, in exchange for this priceless jewel and necklace. He called it the 'Heart of the Ocean' and the poor girl fell for it hook, line, and sinker."

Severus's sneer was locked in place as he wasn't really making any movements. Finally his eyes made a popping sound and he said, "He traded a Philosopher's Stone for a night with a whore."

Harry nodded. "Yup. Said it was worth it too."

Severus raised an eyebrow at that.

"I'm guessing that back then they weren't as good at it as we are these days." Harry suggested.

Snape stared at Harry. "Right."

"Anyways," Harry said getting back on track, "if you wanted to write him, or have me pass along anything I can. But it's kind of up to him if he wants you to be able to contact him directly." Harry paused and added, "old guy, so he gets to be picky."

Severus frowned and shook his head slightly. "No, that won't be necessary. I think you adequately addressed my -"

"Put up your occlumency shields to full," Harry quickly ordered.

Severus' eyes widened and he immediately reinforced all his mind's protections. A cold chill ran through his body, and a familiar memory was on the edges of his consciousness. The DADA office darkened and mist was seeping in from the door.

A rough, raspy voice called out, "Potterrrrr." It hissed out. "Potterrrrrrrr." It continued. The voice was so grating it felt itchy. "Potterrrrrrrrrrrrrr."

And just as Severus knew was coming, a massive dementor entered the DADA office. It was bigger than any dementor Snape had ever seen before, and it literally pulsed with magical power.

"Eattttt. Deathhhhhh. Soullllllll. Potterrrrrrrrrrrrrrr." The Dementor said with a deep rattling rumble.

Harry kept his calm eyes on the Dementor. "Severus, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. This dementor can't hold back his abilities much longer, and I think you would much prefer to walk out of here than pass out."

Severus grit his teeth in a sneer. "He's holding them back? Are you serious?"

Harry gave the dementor a look that seemed to communicate something and the dementor turned to Severus and looked straight through him.

Severus felt a wave pass over him and his entire consciousness seemed to freeze instantly. And at that moment he knew quite clearly, this creature before him could completely and utterly destroy him as easily as Severus could breathe.

And there under the shade of the dementor's hood was a swirl of darkness that was blacker than any color Severus had ever imagined. And the raspy voice seemed to become a little quieter, though it was still every bit as disconcerting as before. "Ssssssssyphilisssss Sssssssnape." The voice hissed out.

Severus meekly turned his head towards Harry and said nothing but communicated the message with just his eyes. He then jumped out of his seat and quickly left the DADA office.

Harry was glad his occlumency shields were up and he managed to contain his snort when the Potions Master was called a sexually transmitted disease. The lack of sneer on his face and completely bugged out eyes was an image Harry was going to remember for the rest of his life. Once Severus was galloping away down the hall, Harry cast a few spells and wards to ensure privacy. Now it was a matter of dealing with this dementor.

Harry quirked his mouth in a reluctant smile. "It's safe now." Harry looked down and shook his head. "Eat, Death, Soul, Potter? That's the best you can come up with?"

The dementor began coughing and hacking. "Hey, I thought you might be alone until I sensed talk, dark, and sneering in here. I had to improvise." It coughed loudly and seemed to be working through some phlegmy expectorant. "Using that voice just tears my throat up." The dementor coughed and cleared his throat a few times. "Do, Re, Mi, Fa, So, La, Ti, Do. Do. Do."

"For goodness sake, Bob. You're not singing at the opera house." An irritated but smiling Harry was shaking his head. "I swear. I don't know how you dementors managed to get your present public image, because when the cameras are off, you're such a pantywaist."

"Be nice." Bob the dementor warned though he was smiling. Bob's voice sounded surprisingly normal for a middle-aged Englishman. There was the occasional lisp on his S's and TH's but there are some things you try not to notice, as dementors can be extremely sensitive. Naturally feeding on emotions, would make even the most testosterone-filled males, more in touch with other people's feelings. One thing you must always be aware of, when befriending a dementor, is never, under any circumstances call a dementor metrosexual. It's like asking a woman if she got fatter since you last saw her. Both of those dire situations have at the least a minimum cost of your soul.

"You lied to me." Harry stated evenly. "You took a nearly priceless substance from me and then lied about it."

Bob raised a gnarled bony hand and waved Harry off. "Pfff."

Harry shook his head. "And you also called Severus a STD and scared him worse than Tom ever did." Harry smiled. "So I suppose I can forgive your thievery and lying." Harry's face fell into a quick frown. "But you have also insured that I will continue to be bothered and hounded by the press and power hungry whores across the world for the rest of my natural life." Harry's eyes glittered dangerously.

Bob gulped.

Harry's lips curled and his teeth were showing. "And that, my friend… is unforgivable."

Bob was thinking he may have gone too far. "Listen, Harry, buddy…hehe… it…it…" Bob was stuttering. "It was just a joke… I can fess up. We can get them to print a retraction." Bob was rambling. "We can, we can fix this."

Harry's eyes were swirling with power and his teeth were clenched. He was watching Bob intently, like a jungle cat eyeing up its dinner. And then Harry couldn't take it anymore and burst out laughing.

Bob's unease turned to confusion mixed with relief.

Harry was still snickering at the uncertainty he could sense from Bob. "I was kidding there, Bob. Relax. With as much as I prank others, I'd be pretty hypocritical if I couldn't take a joke." Harry was laughing. "And even I'd admit, starting a rumor that I manufacture Elixir of Life is hilarious."

Bob was snickering now too. "Yeah, it was really good, wasn't it?"

"It's stupid enough for people to believe it, and frustrating enough to make my life more difficult. A success in every way." Harry admitted. "And sadly I can't even embarrass you publicly, seeing as you're supposed to be a big bad evil dementor."

Bob leaned forward to take a small bow. "Thank you. Thank you."

"Ah crap. Hermione and Tonks are coming. Put on your game face, Bob. I'll see what they want."

Bob quickly stood back up and smoothed out his cloak. He patted it a fair amount to get the mist swirling in the air again while Harry walked to the office door and went to intercept his friends.

"Tonks! Hermy! Good to see you guys, but right now isn't a very good time." Harry greeted them briskly.

Tonks smirked. "Not a good time? You got company you're trying to hide from us?"

Hermione began rubbing her arms for warmth. "Why's it so cold down here?"

"Yes I have company, and I don't think you two would like meeting my company. More than likely it would upset you."

Hermione frowned. "Why is that? Some fan girl read the latest article and confirming things first hand?"

Tonks harrumphed. "What's so special about her anyway? She prettier than us?"

Harry shrugged. "If you really want to meet my guest, go for it. But remember I warned you."

Tonks shifted her form into an almost veela-looking beauty with a young firm body and walked proudly into the DADA office. Immediately after crossing the threshold to the office she fell to her knees shivering from the effects of the dementor.

Hermione too whipped her head left and then right to make sure her hair looked good and went into the office. Her reaction wasn't as severe as Tonks, but she lost all the color and was leaning against the door to keep upright.

The dementor turned its head towards the two girls. A warbled skritchy voice said "Potterrrrrr." The dementor glided a step closer to the girls, but stopped when it saw Hermione fall to her knees too. "Mmmmmate." It rasped. "Jjjjjjjuice."

Harry knew he wasn't going to be able to watch Bob play the role expected of him without breaking out laughing, so he quickly pulled his two female colleagues out of his office, and once past the doorjamb the effects were almost completely muted.

Both of them threw themselves at Harry and were squeezing him for all the warmth they could get out of him.

Hermione pulled herself together first and slapped Harry on the shoulder. "That was awful. Why didn't you just tell us your company was the most powerful dementor I've ever seen?"

Harry was rubbing soothing circles on Tonks' back. "Would you have believed me?"

Hermione huffed. "That's hardly the point."

Harry smiled innocently. "Well I tried to warn you, that you probably wouldn't like meeting him."

Two sharp frowns were shot Harry's way. "Anyways," Harry said, "I would like to finish with my guest. Why don't you two go to the kitchens and get some hot chocolate. I'll track you guys down when I'm done here."

The two girls were still a bit miffed with Harry, but the idea of hot chocolate sounded wonderful to them. A couple of grumbled agreements and the girls bid their cheeky friend goodbye.

Harry walked back into the office to see an veritable maelstrom of dark and ambient energy swirling around the impressive creature. Harry rolled his eyes at the display. "They're gone."

"Crap." Bob responded and let his aura dissipate. "And I was really strutting my stuff in here."

Harry smiled at his friend. "And mate juice? Really?" He was shaking his head. "I think we need to work on your improv."

"What can I say?" Bob defended. "They were hot. And I'm a dementor. We're not exactly known for our creativity."