Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
CHAPTER SEVEN
"You're going out with Ginny on Friday and Tonks on Saturday?" Ron asked.
Harry nodded with a weak smile.
"Harry!" Ron exclaimed with a smile. "You're a scarlet man!"
Harry shrugged, half agreeing with him.
"Just keep your elixir to yourself, and the Weasleys won't hunt you down for defiling our sweet innocent Ginny."
"Sweet? Innocent?" Harry asked incredulously. "Have you talked to her in say, the last decade? I'd imagine you're a lot more sweet and innocent than she is."
"What!" Ron yelled. Ron stared at Harry judging the truthfulness of his claims. Ron came to a decision. "Alright, that's it: unicorn test time. We need a unicorn." Ron said franticly looking around the DADA office for a unicorn. "Harry, you got a unicorn?"
Harry thought about the question, and made a show of checking his pockets. "Nope. Not at the moment. Although…" Harry paused intentionally. "I can turn into a unicorn."
Ron looked at Harry for a long second and nodded. "That'll have to do."
Harry was inwardly laughing his head off. But on the outside he was only showing honest support for his frantic friend.
"Do you know where Ginny is?" Ron asked.
Harry closed his eyes and opened his senses. He smiled and said, "She's in Hermione's office."
Ron looked at Harry oddly. "I meant did she tell you where she'd be. I didn't want you to send out your itchy magical feely ticklers." Ron said with a shiver. "You know that's just not natural."
"Ron," Harry explained, "if you can feel my magic when I do that, then it's just a sign that you are touching yourself too much."
Ron looked away quickly. "I didn't feel nuttin."
"Well you might want to work on that then Ron." Harry said. "You're looking a bit peaked there."
"Oh be quiet," Ron shushed. "Now let's go insure that Ginny's integrity is intact."
"And the way to know that is if a unicorn will let her touch her? That's the test?" Harry clarified.
Ron nodded and led the way to the History of Magic classroom.
Ron knocked and started talking loudly. "Ginny! We need to talk."
Hermione and Ginny scrambled to hide whatever they were working on as Ron and Harry walked in.
"Harry seems to think that I'm more sweet and innocent than you are." Ron began.
"And you're telling me this to try and make me jealous?" Ginny interrupted.
Ron turned red again and just sputtered. "I'm not… I mean Harry's pretty and all but I'd never… oh Merlin." Ron groaned and eventually collected himself ignoring the sniggers made by everyone else in the room. "Why am I stuttering? You're the one lusting for the flesh sword of Gryffindor!"
Hermione actually went pink at that particular euphemism. "Why are you interrupting us, Ron?"
"Oh right. There are some doubts about Ginny's virtue and I know it's been years since her last Unicorn test."
Hermione looked at Ginny and snickered quietly. Growing up with six older brothers had some pluses, but it also had some minuses.
"Ron. You and the rest of our idiotic brothers have tried this a half dozen times. And you've yet to ever even locate a unicorn."
"Yes well it's time we finally got some answers because I've got a unicorn this time." Ron said with a smile. "Harry?"
Harry turned to Ginny and smiled. With a soft pop, he was replaced with a regal looking glowing white unicorn.
Ginny quickly swallowed the snort she almost let out. Ron was a bit dense sometimes. "Alright Ron," she said with an exaggerated roll of her eyes. "Let's see if this unicorn will let me approach it."
Ron watched intently as Ginny slowly walked over and began petting Harry the unicorn. The unicorn was enjoying the ministrations and clearly not recoiling in horror. "Hmm. So unless you've managed to bewitch a unicorn, you have in fact passed the test." Ron smiled and nodded. "Our brothers will be pleased."
Ginny shook her head, while the unicorn seemed to be getting a bit frisky. At first he was just spanking Ginny soundly with whips of his tail. But now he was getting to know her, the unicorn way.
Ginny blushed closing her eyes and said loudly, "Harry, that better be the horn I feel."
Ron noticed Hermione frowning and asked her, "You could pass the unicorn test too, couldn't you, Hermy?"
Hermione's frown found a new target. "I don't think that's any of your business, Ronald."
"Sorry. You're right. And besides, who are we kidding? Of course you can pass the test."
"I'll have you know, I'm old enough to make my own decisions and they are none of your concern!"
"Geez, settle down Herms." Ron placated. "I just meant you never met a test you couldn't pass. But, seriously, defensive much?"
By this point the soft moans of pleasure Ginny was making could no longer be ignored. Ron looked over at his sister and the unicorn, and yelled out, "Oi! Potter! Get your nose out of my sister's arse!"
The unicorn curled its lips up in a toothy horse faced grin and shook its head vigorously slinging slobber to its left and right.
With another soft pop, the unicorn was replaced again with Harry Potter. "Satisfied now, Ron?"
Ron smiled. "Yeah, we're good. Let's go back to your office and get completely drunk." Ron suggested as he left Hermione's office.
Harry smirked and turned to Ginny. "Satisfied, Gin?"
Ginny growled in frustration. "Not by a long shot."
Harry huffed. "You girls are so needy." Harry shook his head. "See you Friday." And he too left the office.
Listening for the sounds of the men leaving, they heard Harry in the distance, his voice slowly drifting off, saying, "As soon as we're drunk let's grab a late breakfast. I haven't eaten yet and I want an omelette with peanut butter and..." Assuming they were in the clear now, Ginny and Hermione took back out the parchments and notebooks they'd been using.
Hermione looked at Ginny and said, "Alright. So nnghh…" Hermione's usual grit face of frustration was showing now.
"Hermione… are you sure this is something I should know?" Ginny asked. "I mean I know you fancy Nicholas, but I just can't imagine it. For me, I mean there's Harry and then there's everyone else. I would compare any prospective piece of man meat to Harry, and none of them would measure up. To me, it'd be like comparing Elixir of Life to… okay bad comparison."
Hermione made a sickly face at the mental image of lab workers analyzing substances. She was pointing and gesturing wildly to the texts in front of her.
Ginny sighed. "Alright. That's Nicholas. Nicholas Flamel. We've got this far several times now."
Hemione nodded and added, "Blih…erhha…"
"Bluy erhah?" Ginny repeated. "Give up on the speaking, Hermione. Stick with the visuals."
Hermione rolled her eyes and slowly pointed at a picture.
"It's a bear." Ginny stated. "Is Nicholas' animagus form a bear?"
Hermione shook her head.
"It's brown. It's furry." Ginny guessed.
Hermione made an apprehensive face.
"It's furry?" Ginny asked. "Okay not quite furry. It's fuzzy? It sheds? It's wet? It's hibernating?"
Hermione whimpered quietly. She waited to see if Ginny was going to say anything more. Hermione said "drubbah" before quickly giving up. She pointed to another picture.
"Kingsley?" Ginny asked. "Kingsley's head? He's bald?"
Hermione smiled.
"He's bald."
Hermione shook her head.
"He's not bald."
Hermoine pointed viciously to one of the earlier pictures.
"The bear is bald?" Ginny received no answer other than Hermione began to slowly bang her head on the desk. "No. Not bald. The bear is hairy?"
Hermione's head whipped up so fast you'd swear she broke the sound barrier. Or at least something cracked from the sudden movement.
"Hairy." Ginny said with a smile.
Hermione's head bobbed up and down in a fair impression of Dobby.
"The bear is hairy."
Hermione stopped her vigorous bobbing and gave one small shake of the head. She pointed at the first picture.
"Not the bear. Nicholas Flamel." Ginny figured. "Nicholas Flamel is hairy."
Hermione jumped from her seat. She put one index finger on her nose, and began to viciously stab in the air towards Ginny with the other. She was beaming a bright smile.
Ginny made a pained face. "Nicholas Flamel is hairy?" She barely processed this though and yelled out, "Eww! No Hermione! I don't want to know these things. I told you I don't dig on the great great grandfolks. And if what floats your boat is running your fingers through the thick bushy pelt on a man's belly and back, please keep it to yourself. Eww." Ginny finished with a disgusted shudder.
Hermione whimpers had by now transformed into sobs.
Friday at precisely 6:58 PM, Harry quickly stuck his head outside his classroom door, and found Ginny waiting there staring at her watch.
"You know it's okay to be early, Gin." Harry offered.
Ginny jumped up startled and looked like she had been caught out after curfew.
Harry smiled. "It's good to see you. You look beautiful."
Ginny smiled shyly. "Thank you Harry." She said and kissed him on the cheek.
"Goodness!" Harry grinned. "You smell nice too. So what's the plan for this evening?"
Ginny replied, "Well, considering you've been hiding around and going who knows where in the muggle world, I thought it'd be nice to take you somewhere in the wizarding world. You know, with the actual appearance of Harry Hotter."
Harry raised an eyebrow.
"Potter! I said Potter." Ginny stammered. "Anyways, I figured you might like to eat at The Menagerie. Given their predisposition towards other creatures and part-humans, I thought you might like it there and I… well…"
"Ginny, settle down." Harry said. "You don't have to justify yourself to me. You asked me out, that means you get to do the planning. This isn't a test." He said with a shake of his head. He took her hand and they walked out onto the grounds.
"Sure feels like one." Ginny mumbled.
They talked calmly and pleasantly, though Ginny kept turning away when Harry would catch her watching him. Harry was enjoying seeing her so nervous. They arrived at the restaurant and Ginny informed the hostess, "Reservation for two. The name is Ginny Weasley."
The hostess was looking down at her seating chart. "Yes, of course, right this-" And she stopped suddenly only just now noticing who was standing in front of her.
"Oh. Oh my." The flustered hostess repeated. "Umm, err, I'm sure I can find you a much better seat, if you'll just give me a moment."
Harry looked at the hostess, and stated firmly, "You will seat us where you intended to seat Miss Weasley and her guest."
The hostess's eyes seemed to glaze over a bit, and she replied, "I will seat you where I intended to seat Miss Weasley and her guest," before quickly turning and leading them towards a booth in the back.
Ginny smiled at Harry. She was thinking how nice having a boyfriend who always gets his way would be.
The pair had been enjoying relative anonymity, as it appeared either no one recognized Harry, or they were all respecting his desire for privacy. As a result, the conversation over dinner was becoming a bit strained, as Ginny still seemed to think she was on trial. Or worse, part of some beauty pageant.
Harry saw Ginny was struggling, and decided this would be a good time to ask, "So what were you and Hermione working on when Ron and I barged in the other day?"
Ginny's eyes lit up. "Oh Merlin! It was hilarious. Hermione kept trying to tell me something but wasn't able to come out and say it so she was trying to get the message across with visual clues."
Harry smiled. "It is fun to see a brilliant witch like Hermione struggle to form words and just look constipated while saying something along the lines of 'urrhabbble'."
Ginny cracked up seeing the clenching Harry's face was making.
Harry subtly asked, "So did you figure out what Hermione was trying to tell you?"
Ginny looked a bit disgusted and nodded. "Yeah. I did. Apparently, Hermione seemed to think was important to tell me that Nicholas Flamel…" she trailed off.
Harry's eyebrow arched inquisitively. "Nicholas Flamel," he began for her.
Ginny shrugged. "Nicholas Flamel… is hairy."
Harry's couldn't stop himself from snickering. His chuckles turned into a laugh.
Ginny rolled her eyes. "I thought it was more along the lines of too much information, than funny. Although it is hard to repeat without laughing." She finished with a giggle.
Harry nodded. "And it's true. I know Nicky has to shave his inner thighs to keep his legs from getting matted and knotted together."
Ginny paled. "Oh merciful heavens."
Harry continued. "Yeah. He had a house elf that completely broke down into tears. And so now he no longer asks the house elves to help him wax his- Crackhead!" Harry finished turning to face to the goblin approaching their table.
Crackhead bowed imperiously. "It is good to see you, Mr. Potter."
"You too, Crackhead." Harry said returning the bow, affirming their status as equals. "Crackhead, I would like you to meet Ginny Weasley. Ginny, this is Crackhead, one of the most senior officials at Gringotts."
"Pleased to meet you, Crackhead."
"And you as well, Miss Weasley," the goblin replied. He turned to Harry, "So have you finally found your mate and are settling down now?"
Ginny blushed furiously at the goblin's forwardness and her own desire to mate.
Harry shook his head. "No, and don't you start spreading more rumors." Harry scolded Crackhead.
Crackhead had a wide smile that looked anything but innocent.
"I guess you could say I've begun the interview process, but hiring is still many years away." Harry explained in terms that would mock the wicked goblin.
"Of course, Mr. Potter," Crackhead replied, well aware that Harry prefers to be called Harry rather than anything formal. "I noticed you over here and I just wanted to greet you on this fine evening, as well as inform you that there is going to be opening at the high council's poker game very soon."
Harry chuckled. "Let me guess, Riptorn's mate is putting her foot down?"
Crackhead smiled toothily. "Yes. Apparently she will abide a losing streak, but believes losing every single time he's played is not luck, but an indication that he is horrible at gambling. She's giving him one more chance."
Harry smiled and nodded. "It has been over a decade."
Crackhead chuckled. "Even at work, he's been having hearing problems. He seems to think all the goblins are calling him 'Whippedtorn'."
Harry smiled. "Well, I would most definitely enjoy a seat at that table if it were possible." Harry's eyes twinkled mischievously. "I think I would bring a lot of good things to the game."
Crackhead smirked. "I'm sure you would. I'm more concerned you'll take too many of those good things home with you though." He turned to Ginny. "My apologies for interrupting the interview, Miss Weasley. Good luck on getting the… position."
Ginny blushed furiously again and managed a weak nod.
"Good evening, Mr. Potter. Perhaps I'll see you next poker night." Crackhead finished with a bow and left Ginny and Harry to their dinner.
Harry smiled at Ginny. "That would be a challenging game to get into. But enough about me. Where were we?"
Ginny thought about it and answered, "You were saying the elves used to wax… actually, how about we change the subject? Something a bit more palatable while there's still food in front of us please."
"Hmm," Harry said. "That certainly narrows the field of things I'm a capable conversationalist on."
"Oh for heaven's sake, Harry." Ginny admonished. "Why don't you just tell me a story of something you did when you disappeared?"
Harry smiled and thought about what she might like to hear about. Harry wiped his mouth, having finished his meal and began. "Hmm. I'm not sure I have any particular stories really."
Ginny looked at Harry incredulously.
Harry laughed at the look Ginny was giving him. "How bout this? I'll walk you through one of my typical days. That sound good?"
Ginny nodded. "I have a feeling you and I define 'typical' differently, so let's hear it."
Harry paused and was trying to think of a good day. After a few seconds of silence, he began. "Alright. A little ways back, a couple of weeks before I played with the statue in the atrium in the Ministry of Magic, there was one day where I was in the mood for some ice cream. It was a little after noon, mid-July, and really hot out. Thankfully, my usual luck came through and minutes later I see the ice cream man driving down the street. There's a pack of kids chasing after him but he's not stopping for them. I'm not sure what his problem was, but he wasn't playing with the kids. He was just being mean."
Ginny nodded indicating she was listening.
"So I did what anyone would do." Harry explained. "I stunned the ice cream man, and tossed him in an empty freezer for a few hours. I stopped the vehicle and spent the next four hours driving around giving out every last bit of ice cream to kids for free. I woke the guy, obliviated him a little, made sure he wasn't hurt from his chilly nap, and left him unsure of his day but short a whole bunch of ice cream. And naturally I saved myself a super mega choco chunka hunka fudge swirl delight, and was about to eat that, when I saw a telly in a window display that caught my eye. It was reporting on the 'Running of the Bulls' that had happened earlier that morning. I'm not sure what it was that caught my eye, nor do I remember what the newscaster said, and it's probably just as well, because man oh man, did that look like fun. Wild beasts with horns chasing after a mass of people running for their lives. Muggles sure know how to have a good time."
"I've heard of that!" Ginny exclaimed. "It's in Spain. Pamperluna or something."
Harry nodded. "Yeah, afterwards I found it's something they do every morning for like a week, once a year."
"Charlie and Bill did that the year after Charlie graduated. Mum thought they were crazy but Dad just wanted to know about the muggles. Bill said it was a lot of fun."
"It was! It was sooooo much fun! I mean I lost count," Harry explained. "But I must have gored at least a dozen muggles!"
Ginny's giggling quickly ceded and she looked at Harry incredulously.
Harry was too excited by the memory and just kept on talking. "I mean as soon as I heard the newscast, I froze my ice cream in a pocket of reality, ran into an alley, and apparated there First person I ran into was myself. I told me, it only happens in the mornings, and apparently I was just killing time waiting for me to show up. So, as usual, I dug out my time turner and went back to that morning so I could run with the bulls. When I saw the crowds of people, many of whom were being mean to the animals and were acting like idiots, I decided I didn't want to run with them. So I discreetly shifted my form into a bull, and got in place with the rest of the bulls."
The shock on Ginny's face hadn't gone away, but at least now it was a welcoming and familiar look of shock.
"Soon as we got going, I used my bull senses and went after the muggles who smelled strongest of alcohol and poked most of them soundly on their bums. There was even a little kid, who should not have been out there. He looked like a native and was probably about seven years old. I ran up to him, scared him half to death with my horns and flipped him in the air onto my back. Pretty soon he had calmed down and was directing me towards muggles to attack." Harry had a faraway smile. "We made a good team."
"Shortly thereafter, Felipe, as I learned his name was, made his way off to find his blind younger brother or something, and I changed back. The first thing I felt was a strong desire to wash my hair. Had a delicious lunch there in Spain, and waited for me to show up. When I showed up, I informed myself that the run only happened in the mornings, and that I had been killing time waiting on me to show up. As soon as I disappeared into the past, I apparated right back to the alley next to the telly I'd been watching. I got my ice cream out of the pocket reality, and thought that getting drunk sounded fun."
Ginny was just sort of nodding dumbly listening to Harry's idea of a 'typical' day, and was mildly impressed at the number of laws Harry broke on a 'typical' day.
"I remembered a bar I walked past once when I was younger. Aunt Petunia had driven me and Dudley to the mall there once. She'd send me into the store to buy something and be gone when I came back out. What I remembered most was that it was called 'Finnigan's', and considering I lived with Seamus for seven years I was curious. I was eating my ice cream, and walked into this dive. I asked if the owners were related to Seamus. Turns out there were eight people there who knew a Seamus Finnigan. Of course there were five different Seamus's they all knew and none of them were the one we know. Anyways, so I'm just minding my own business eating my super mega choco chunka hunka fudge swirl delight ice cream, when this massive drunken idiot asks me for a lick of my ice cream."
Ginny was getting a little worried.
"I tell him no, and he doesn't like that. He keeps asking and I keep saying no. Finally I take the rest of my ice cream and eat all the rest of it as fast as I can. This angers the tubby bugger. And I got one of the worst freeze headaches you can imagine. I started staggering and was clutching my head. Apparently, the chunky drunk thinks I was making fun of him and takes a swing at me. I look around and see his friends cheering him on, and apparently these people were looking forward to seeing a fight." Harry shrugged. "I thought it sounded fun, so I let him connect a punch to my stomach. Unfortunately, he was stronger than I gave him credit for, and it knocked the wind out of me. I responded by punching him back. At this point, all his friends attack me too and start swinging punches and kicks. Somewhere along the line, it becomes less fun than you would think, and I might have gotten a little angry. Long story short, I had to stun the whole bar, obliviate them all, and heal three broken wrists, a lot of ribs and fourteen collarbones I may have gotten overzealous with." Harry finished. After a few seconds he added. "I never did get drunk that night." Harry sighed loudly. "Come to think of it, I probably seriously injure more muggles when I'm sober."
Ginny was sitting there a bit stunned at an average day in the life of Harry Potter. "So whatever happened to the tubby bugger who started the fight?"
"That day I just left him at the bar like everyone else." Harry smiled wickedly. "But a few weeks later, I caught up with him again. I removed the memory charm on him so he remembered getting his arse handed to him, and morphed into my actual form. When he realized who I was he actually apologized. That shocked me. We ended up going back to the bar, getting along really well, and getting completely plastered that night. Of course once he had passed out, I stripped him naked and called animal control."
"Harry!" Ginny scolded. "You can't leave muggles with knowledge of us."
Harry rolled his eyes. "Somehow I think my cousin Dudley already knew about magic." Harry finished his story and concluded his argument by sticking out his tongue and blowing a raspberry at Ginny.
