Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.


CHAPTER NINE

"Who's the guy with the hood up?"

"Dunno. Prolly the new DADA Professor."

"You hear anything about who it is?"

"Naw, nuthin."

"Bollocks. Flamel was pretty good. Wish we still had him."

"Yeah, he was brilliant. And funny."

"Think this guy will be any good?"

"Well, Snape seems to hate him. I reckon that's a good sign."

Harry was eavesdropping on some of the Gryffindor table and nearly burst out laughing hearing their assessment.

The Headmaster stood up. "Welcome to another year at Hogwarts. I know you're starving, and traditionally I save the majority of my announcements until after the feast, but I thought you might like something to talk about." The Headmaster's eyes were twinkling mightily.

Harry resisted the urge to cuff the Headmaster on the back of his noggin.

"Professor Sprout has retired. Taking over for her in the field of Herbology, I would like you all to welcome, Professor Longbottom." He finished with a gentle wave towards an extremely nervous Neville. Neville smiled weakly, and stood and waved before sitting back down.

"I am also sorry to say," the Headmaster continued with a somber face. "Professor Flamel has chosen to leave us once again to pursue an independent research project."

There were a number of groans throughout the student body.

"In his place, I have managed to hire his partner in that research project. I hope we can all give a warm Hogwarts welcome to Professor Potter."

And just like that, an entire hall full of students went completely silent.

Every eye in the room was on the figure to the Headmaster's right, who pulled his hood back, flashed an apprehensive half-smile, and waved. His green eyes and scar were clear as day, and still the entire hall hadn't made a sound.

A seventh year Slytherin caught a nod from Professor Snape and jumped out of his seat. He fell to his knees and began bowing. "Praise be to Harry!"

In one eerie deafening unified voice, the whole student body yelled back, "Praise be to Potter!" Loud cheers and exclamations of "I love you", "marry me", and "I'm seventeen" were heard echoing among the thunderous applause.

Professor Potter just dropped his head and began slowly banging it on the table. The cheering continued, while Harry just sat there resigned.

Professors Snape and Malfoy were seen gritting their teeth and squeezing the arms of their chairs as if their life depended on it.

Professor Granger and Caretaker Tonks had particularly happy grins, while Professor Longbottom was just chuckling and patting Professor Potter on the back. There seemed to be no end to the whistles, the foot stomping, the hands banging and knocking on the tables, or the shouts of joy.

Professors Snape and Malfoy relaxed finally in their seats while Professor Potter just slumped lower into his.

Dumbledore finally quieted the crowd. "Yes, yes. We are all glad to have Professor Potter here. With the departure of Professor Sprout, I am sorry to say we have no former members of the Hufflepuff house on the faculty. Despite any former house loyalties, I hope you will all welcome Professor Potter as the new Head of Hufflepuff house."

And just like that, the entire Hufflepuff table began cheering again. A small second year girl screamed so loud the ghosts all had to cover their ears. All the females in Hufflepuff seemed to start getting flustered, and most were waving their hands, fanning themselves. The boys were slapping high-fives and giving each other one-armed man hugs.

Harry turned to Albus and whispered. "Umm, Albus. How do I put this… What?"

"Oh. Did you not get the message?" Albus smiled innocently and quietly answered. "I could have sworn I told Nicholas. He assured me he would pass it along."

Harry growled. "Must have slipped his mind."

"The memory is one of the first things to go," Albus explained. "And he is well over 600 years old."

Albus waved the students silent again. "I'll save the rest of the announcements for later. I just have one thing to say before we eat: Page 146 looks pretty good." And with a clap of his hands, the feast had begun.

Chatter had begun at all tables, and there was one person in particular the students were all discussing.

The subject of all the excited whispering was doing his best to ignore the discussions he could hear. He mumbled a question to Professor Longbottom, and got an enthusiastic smile and nod in response.

"Hermione," Harry began. "You should definitely try the pasta. It's delicious."

Hermione nodded. "Alright. I'm not a big pesto fan usually, but… is that oregano?"

Harry shrugged. "It's some kind of tasty spice. Thank Merlin it's not dill, whatever it is."

Tonks had a heaping plateful. "This is delicious!"

Minerva smiled and agreed. "I think the house elves put a splash of oregano in almost everything." Minerva gave a smile and low hum. "And I must say, whatever they did, it tastes divine."

Neville smiled and was nodding his head. Harry gave him a big thumbs up.

Even Snape said after a mouthful, "I don't know what it is, but I don't think I have ever enjoyed eating as much as I am right now."

Albus took a bite of the pasta and his eyes went wide. "Oh sweet Merlin."

Harry smiled innocently. "Something the matter, Albus?"

Albus looked shocked and turned to Harry. "This pasta… this spice… do you realize what this is?"

Harry looked intently at Neville before shaking his head. "No idea. But it is mighty tasty."

Albus stopped him. "This is… this is…" His eyes were wide and his face showed fear and astonishment. "This is my brother Abe's secret recipe!"

Harry choked on his pumpkin juice.

"I've been trying to get him to tell me his secret for years." Albus excitedly explained. "But I could never figure out what his secret ingredient is." His mirthful smile echoed the bliss in his heart. "Oh happy day."

The feast was being enjoyed by all. An excited voice from the Ravenclaw table yelled out, "Bread is awesome! Where's the butter?"

A young Hufflepuff could be overheard raving about, "the best tasting water ever. It's like being reborn out of a warm water womb. So fresh… so clean."

Harry was in a bit of a shock. It looked like everyone in the hall was having at least thirds of everything.

Some people were bartering ears of corn for the last chicken drumstick. The majority of the first years were getting awfully sleepy. Partially because they are eleven and just ate approximately about 4 kilos of food each, and partially because some of them had their heads tilted back and were just staring at the ceiling, unmoving.

There were a few areas of the tables where two people snickering would make eye contact and both be caught up in the vortex of a virulent giggle loop, and eventually they would fall to the floor laughing so hard their ribs hurt. They would be unable to even look at their giggle loop buddies without starting up the process again.

The empty trays and bowls for the food disappeared, and desserts replaced them on all the tables. A few oooh's and ahhh's rippled through the crowd, as well as several moans of longing. As the students helped themselves to cakes and puddings and lots and lots of brownies, the Headmaster stood up again. "I see our dessert has now arrived, so allow me to finish my announcements. The Forbidden Forest is just that, Forbidden. I really should warn you about detentions or suspensions if you are ever caught in the Forest. But the truth of the matter is, you will die a most gruesome and horrible death if you go into the Forest, and at that point, would then be excused from detention." Albus explained very solemnly.

"Our caretaker, Miss Tonks, has added frozen catcher's mitts and salami to the list of banned items." Albus informed, thinking Tonks did things a bit differently than Argus Filch. He continued, "She has removed vibrating brooms from the list."

Albus noticed he was losing the student's attention as small fights began to break out for the last cupcakes and the last biscuits, and bits of pudding.

BOOM!

The entire castle shook as the loud rumbling followed a distant loud bang.

BOOM!

It went again. Albus and Harry looked at each other wondering if either knew what was going on.

BOOM!

There was a rhythm and consistent timing to the bangs. Harry was trying to have a conversation with Hogwarts, and all of a sudden he just broke out in loud laughs. The entire hall was silent in fear wondering what was going on.

"Is it giants?" One timid voice asked.

"I think we may be under attack." Another boy said.

"Another Dark Lord? Or that Dark Lady?"

Harry was snickering and patted Albus on the shoulder. "I'll take care of this one. You just calm everybody down." Harry chuckled. "I think the students are acting a bit more paranoid than usual." And with a pop, Harry disappeared from the Great Hall.

BOOM!

Harry reappeared in the kitchens right as the castle shook and rumbled.

There was a house elf in a more professional uniform than any of the others elves. He was barking out orders. "We's bad elfs! We's shameful! We's failed Masters! Again!"

And before Harry could interrupt, over a hundred house elves took two running steps and knocked themselves off their feet against the stone wall at the same time.

BOOM!

Harry just watched them slowly get up. They were shaking their heads, and were obviously disoriented.

The head elf just kept going. "We's no good. We's don't deserve such good Masters. We's should be punished. Again!"

"STOP!" Harry yelled.

Almost all the elves immediately stopped in mid-step. A couple of them weren't as coordinated as the others, or maybe just hit their heads on a soft spot last time, and were unable to bring their bodies to a complete stop and just softly smacked into the wall.

"Master Potter," the head elf said dropping his face in shame.

"If you need it as an order," Harry began. "I am ordering you not to punish yourselves." Harry eyed every frightened elf in the kitchen to show them that he was serious. "Now," Harry said addressing the large crowd. "Can you tell me what on earth is going on? Why were you punishing yourselves?"

A cacophony of high-pitched sad voices broke out. "We's bad elves!"

"We's shameful!"

"We's no good trash!"

"We's don't deserve such good Masters!"

"STOP!" Harry bellowed and again got silence. "I'm asking why you seem to think you're bad elves."

"We's don't know what happened!"

"We's made the feast."

"WE'S RAN OUT OF FOOD!"

"We's not made enough!"

"Food's all gone!"

"Oh, the horror! The horror!"

"We's not have enough!"

"It's like a whole school of Ron Wheezys!"

Harry was biting his tongue trying his best not to laugh at all the scared sad little faces. He couldn't keep from smiling as he tried to calm the elves. "Alright. I get it. Don't worry. This is not your fault." Harry was snickering a little. "Listen, you had no way of knowing that this year they would be eating significantly more than previous years. You made an excellent delicious feast and planned it around the idea that you wouldn't have a school full of Ron Wheezy-sized appetites."

A few of the elves were looking at each other, seeing the reason in what Harry was saying.

"I think I can help you, for the rest of tonight. But you may want to use the seasonings Professor Longbottom provided a little more sparingly in the future. Apprentice Dobby!"

"Yes, Master Harry?" Dobby said right as he appeared. "Wait a minute. Why's you's all standing around!"

"We's bad elves!"

"We's ran out of food!"

"We's should be punished!"

Harry just smiled and shook his head. "Dobby? Do you think you can bring over, let's say 20 kilos of tortilla chips, 10 kilos of salsa, and 20 kilos of nacho cheese?"

Dobby nodded with a smile. "Of course, Master," he said before disappearing with a pop.

Harry smiled at the elves. "Alright guys. Nachos are always a necessity to keep around for emergencies like this. Now, I meant it. I don't want to hear about you punishing yourselves. Some things are out of your control, and sometimes you make mistakes. You can serve Hogwarts better, by keeping your wits about you, staying in good health, and learning from your mistakes. Punishing yourself doesn't help anyone."

The elves seemed to understand Harry's orders much better now and they felt Hogwarts give them a sort of magical hug.

Dobby reappeared with the necessary supplies. Harry addressed the elves again. "Now, don't be shy about asking for help if you need it. Feel free to seek me out if you have any sort of emergency. Or feel free to ask for my apprentice, Dobby. He can speak for me in many instances. Go on and send up some chips and salsa, and nachos to the Great Hall. I suspect everyone's a little worried up there, and won't be hungry for too much longer. Did anyone hurt themselves and need help healing?"

A bunch of confused heads all shook negatively.

"Are you guys going to be alright? Crisis averted and all that rot?" Harry asked with a raised eyebrow.

Some smiles and a lot of nodding was the answer Harry got.


Albus was at a complete loss. The entire castle had been shaking. Not even a giant could have been rumbling that hard. He kept probing Hogwarts through his Headmaster's bond, and the nearest he could figure was that the castle was extremely amused. He had the student's all stay in the Great Hall until they knew it was safe to head back to their common rooms.

It seemed there was an awful lot of speculation going on, but there weren't any worried faces as far as Albus could tell. He wondered if Harry realized just how much safer and calmer the people were, knowing he was on the case. The theories that were spreading were quite amusing.

"I'm sure it's a giant."

"It's not a giant. It's a whole colony."

"Professor Potter could prolly stun the whole lot with one spell."

"Forget magic, Professor Potter's probably wrestling a giant to the ground right now."

"Oooooooh! Nachos!"

"I bet he could bare-knuckle box the whole colony at once. Is that salsa hot or mild?"

"It's mild. And probably once the giants saw Professor Potter they just gave up."

A few gasps and some cheers began again. "Look! Professor Potter is back!" Everyone jumped to their feet to applaud their conquering hero.

"Ha! I knew it! Not a scratch on him," a Hufflepuff fifth year yelled.

Harry nodded and smiled at the Headmaster before turning to address the student body. "The crisis is over. It is safe. You're all free to head back to your common rooms now."

"Hey!" Albus indignantly exclaimed. "Dismissing them is my job."

Harry mockingly rolled his eyes and stuck out his tongue at the Headmaster.

A brave Gryffindor spoke up and drew the attention of everyone who was about to leave. "Professor Potter! Was it…" he stuttered. "Was it giants?"

Harry smiled winningly at the boy. "No. Not giants. Little guys." Harry smirked and put both his hands over his heart and sighed dreamily. "But with giant hearts."

Hermione couldn't believe how cheesy Harry was and cuffed him upside the head.

As the students filed out, a couple Ravenclaws could be heard saying, "I told you it wasn't giants! I told you."

"But who could have guessed it was nargle-infested undead zombies that feast on the hearts of giants!"

"Professor Potter could have!"