Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.


CHAPTER TEN

"Lemon Drop?"

"No! And stop stalling!"

"Hot Tamale?"

"For the love-… Oh, yes. Thank you." Minerva was distracted by the tasty candy. She was briefly wondering if she had been bewitched, considering she just ate a larger meal than she ever had in her life. And even still, that chewy burst of cinnamon flavor sounded very tantalizing. She proceeded to munch on Hot Tamales unconsciously. "Dammit, Albus. It's just unnatural!"

"Minerva, I should hardly think you'd be against a May-December romance. Especially at your age."

A low rumbling warning hiss was the only response Professor McGonagall gave into between chewing her Hot Tamales.

Albus bit his tongue and didn't think his Deputy Headmistress would like him to point out what a striking similarity she had to Severus when she glared at him like that. "Besides, Minnie, I have no right to interfere in any of my faculty's private lives."

Minerva just looked at him and yelled. "Hunh!"

"Oh stop that!" Albus admonished. "The rules change in wartime."

Minerva reiterated her disbelieving, "Hah!"

"Why do you even care, Minnie? You know he would never hurt Miss… oh…" A smile of dawning comprehension threatened to split the Headmaster's face in half. "Oh ho-ho-hoh! My word! Minnie! You vixen!"

Minerva was blushing like gangbusters and refused to look Albus in the eye.

"I had no idea you had feelings for-"

"I don't have feelings for anybody!" Minerva quickly interrupted. "I mean I have feelings…but not those… I mean… Oh for heaven's sake."

Albus was grinning brightly. "You know they are not seeing each other exclusively, Minerva. And if anyone can appreciate someone as experienced as you, it would be-"

"Oh shove a sock in it Albus. I'm not experienced. I'm old." Minerva frowned and pouted. "And she's young and brilliant and far more attractive, and true, her breasts a little too pert still, but she will grow into them."

"You know you could-"

"I will not magic them!"

"Minerva, please. Even if you won't magic them, the muggles have created one of the most ingenious devices. It's called a wonderbra. The way it lifts and separates, well, if that's not magic in the presence of muggles I don't know what is." Albus explained. "Besides Minerva, compared to Nicholas, both you and Miss Granger are mere babes."

Minerva blushed Gryffindor crimson. "Why Albus, I mean … Thank you but…"

"I meant 'babe' as in baby."

"Oh right." Minerva corrected. "Of course."

Albus rolled his eyes. "As I was saying, Minnie, you should go for it. I definitely think Nicholas would benefit from the influence of a mature woman."

"You, you really think so?" Minerva asked hopefully.

"Absolutely. Heck, if you like I'll make sure and keep Hermione extra busy."

"Oh Albus, really. You don't need to…" Minerva paused and had a calculating look on her face. She finished resolutely, "Yes. Do that."

Albus was biting his bottom lip. "Considering his life experience, you know, he may appreciate you utilizing traditional wizarding Scottish courting manners."

"Oh don't be ridiculous!"

"It was just a suggestion."

"A ridiculous one."

Albus shrugged. "I wish you the best of luck. And remember, Nicholas likes a strong, forward woman."

Minerva blushed a little again and thinned her lips into a small smile. "Thank you, Albus. Good night, Headmaster."

As soon as Minerva had left his office, Albus finally let out the chuckles he was holding in. "Oh happy day."


"Well hello my little puffers." Harry said as he entered the Hufflepuff common room. He looked around their common room. It had the warmth of the Gryffindor common room, although without the windows. He saw a few fake charmed windows that seemed to be showing a fluffy sunny day. Even though it was night time and dark out. He asked his most pressing question, "Are the walls… padded?"

"Professor Potter!" yelled the first student to spot their new head of house.

"Hiya, Mr. Adams, isn't it?"

"Yes sir. Ryan Adams. How… how did you know my name?"

Harry smiled. "Oh, as soon as I found out I was going to be the new Head of Hufflepuff, I asked Hogwarts what she could tell me about you all." Harry answered, all the while thinking that he also taught them all last year, and three years ago too.

"Good evening," Harry said as he realized every eye in the common room was focused on him. "No one is required to sit around here and talk to me, but I just wanted to introduce myself and give you all a chance to get to know me."

"Know you, Professor Potter?" A seventh year girl, Harry recognized as Rose Zeller, said. "We all know you, Professor."

"Well I realize some of you might know whatever rubbish Witches Weekly has been printing, but that's not quite the same as knowing me. Like for instance, I bet none of you knew that this is the first time I have ever been in the Hufflepuff common room." Harry said with a smile. "I'd been in all the others back when I was student, but never made the trip into this one. It is… a bit different from what I would have guessed."

Ryan nodded. "Yeah, I know. Padded walls."

"But they're fun!" A third year named Herman Crabbe yelled out before jumping up and running head first into the wall. He knocked himself on his arse, but wobbled his way to his feet with a smile.

"Ahh. Of course." Harry said giving all of his little puffs a once over. "So anyways, the Old Man just sprung it on me, there at the feast that I was going to be your new Head of House, so I apologize for not being better prepared. And I realize, the silly newspapers and other rags may paint me out to be something more than I am. I wanted to make sure you all would know you can and should come to me with any issues you have. I'm not some mythical legendary hero, and I'm certainly not a son of God or immortal, despite any dirty filthy lies any dirty filthy Potions Professors might have been spreading."

There were a few laughs and some of the tension was leaving the room.

"So to start with, anyone who wants to sit here and chat is welcome, or you can ignore me and go to bed. I'm usually a pretty private person, but tonight I'll be answering any questions you have within reason. Sound good?"

There were a few nods, and a third year boy named Jacob Wienerschnitzel raised his hand.

"Yes, Mr. Wienerschnitzel?"

"Where have you been?"

Harry smiled at the question he expected to get first. "I've been traveling all over the world, though I have been around the Isles for a lot of it. I was in Hogwarts for a large portion of last year too. I've got a secret research project, with my friend Nicholas. I cannot answer much about the secret project but I'll tell you it's about an extremely potent newly discovered magical substance."

Harry saw every girl had their hand in the air and was waving them waiting to be called on. Harry finally spotted a boy with his hand up. "Yes, Mr. Cobb?"

"Is it true you're more powerful than Merlin?"

Harry sighed and shook his head. "It is true that I am quite powerful, but so are the Headmaster and a lot of other people. There is no 'magical meter' we have to measure a wizard or witch's potential, so it is impossible to compare. Personally I find comparing me, a self-proclaimed immature punk kid, to the father of modern magic awfully ludicrous."

Harry nodded to a fourth year boy.

"Why do you call yourself an immature punk kid? I mean, you killed Voldemort!"

Harry sighed and shrugged. "Yes I did. But remember I had a lot of help from many others who are probably more heroic than me. As for the immaturity, I guess it's because I wasted most of my childhood training to fight Death Eaters and the Dark Lord. And now that they're basically gone, I've been trying to cash in on all the fun I missed out on by not getting to be a normal kid. And on that note, do not let it leave this common room, but I highly encourage any and all pranks." Harry said with a wicked smile. "Particularly on filthy fibbers."

There were a number of chuckles.

Harry realized now only the girls had hands up. Harry tried out the safest route and nodded to a new first year, Samantha Fickersly. "Yes, Miss Fickersly?"

She smiled brightly. "My first question is about the Elixir of Life-"

"No!" Harry replied immediately. "That article was complete rubbish. Next question please."

Samantha huffed angrily. "Fine." She quickly turned warm again and smiled brightly, "Are you dating anyone?"

And every other Hufflepuff girl's hand went down as the room went silent.

"We're nearing territory that might be a bit too personal for a student-Head of House relationship." Harry diplomatically answered. "But I said I'd answer, and the answer is yes, I am seeing a few people. None seriously or exclusively and any mentions of love or marriage would be premature enough to have me running for the hills."

A couple of girls started clapping before they realized what they'd done and none of them could meet Harry's eyes.

"Is Miss Tonks one of them?" a curious student asked.

"Yes, I have been out with Miss Tonks a couple of times, and she has been one of my closest friends for a few years now. She taught me how to do this." Harry answered as he turned his nose into a pig's snout.

Some of the younger students cheered at the display of magic but very few seemed to understand that it meant that Harry was a metamorphmagus.

"How'd you do that?" an unsure sixth year boy asked.

"Why magic of course," Harry answered and got some groans and rolls of the eyes in response. Harry took this as an excellent sign.

"Is Professor Granger one of them?" a girl asked.

Harry paused and thought about the best way to answer this one. "Hermione is probably my best friend, and certainly beautiful. But I'm pretty sure last I heard she was seeing Professor Flamel."

"What!" a seventh year boy named Evan Morgan yelled. "He's old enough to be her…" he seemed to be doing some high level mathematics in his head. "…ancestor." He finished weakly.

Harry chuckled. "That may be true, but you're only as old as you feel, and I think Nicky might even feel younger than Hermy does. Not to mention, there's not a lot of options for Nicky to date closer to his age." Harry paused and added. "And stay somewhat within the realm of humans."

Harry saw the frown Mr. Morgan was making and was thinking there were a few people with crushes on their History of Magic Professor. "Yes, Miss Gibbons?" Harry said as he pointed at the fourth year girl.

"Are you my daddy?"

Harry would have choked had he been drinking. Instead he just belched out the word, "Bluh?" He shook his head, and tried again. This time he said, "What?"

"I'm not sure who my real daddy is, but my mum knows it was a wizard. And sometimes it just seemed to make sense that… well… you know, you could be… him."

Harry was a bit scared to see all the students seemed to think this was possibly true. And then Harry saw Amanda Gibbons really seemed to wish that Harry was her Dad. "Miss Gibbons, you do realize I was probably about 7 when you were born, don't you?"

She dropped her head in sadness. "Oh."

"That puts it at about four years before I learned magic was real. Heck, you probably learned about magic before I did."

"Really?" she asked, seemingly forgetting she should be depressed.

Harry nodded. "Really. And if you want some private assistance determining your ancestry, I'd be happy to help you with that. As much as I disliked my instructor in school, I still know a thing or two about making a heritage potion."

"What have you got against Potions?" Ryan Adams defended, "I thought it was subtle science and exact art without all the silly wand-waving."

"Bah!" Harry said with a wave of his hand. "It's as much magic as soup is. Now Alchemy, Alchemy is what Potions wishes it was. That's where the good stuff is."

"What's the difference?" Rose Zeller asked.

"It's… well, I mean… it's…" Harry paused and finally answered. "Potions is to Alchemy, as Professor Snape is to Professor Flamel." Harry finished with a sharp nod.

"Ohhhh." The entire house said as they realized just how big a difference there was.

"Alright guys. It's getting late, and I just remembered something I need to tell the Headmaster." Harry said as he stood up to leave. "My door will always be open to you. Often I'll be in my office adjacent to the DADA classroom. And if you ever need me immediately, particularly if there's any sort of emergency, all you have to do is to concentrate really hard and think Potty."

Harry frowned. "Stop looking at me like that, Mr. Cobb. It is the same magic that house elves use to know when they're being called. My apprentice, Dobby, christened me Potty, after my last name. It is an extremely useful tool and method of communication."

Darren Cobb had the decency to look ashamed.

"And you may also call on my apprentice if you need help with anything too. Same concentration, just call for Dobby instead. He's a great friend, and he's getting pretty cheeky."

"Dobby?" a second year named Linda Miller asked.

With a pop, he appeared. "Yes Miss Miller. I's Dobby."

Linda yelped at the unexpected appearance.

"And I will never betray my Master," Dobby said with a solemn face. It shifted into a wicked smile and he stage whispered to the House, "But Dobby's gots lotsa dirt on all the other Prosfessors." Dobby nodded and disappeared with a pop.

"Yeah, that's Dobby. He can be a great friend and useful ally, but for those of you familiar with house elves, make sure you understand he's a bit different from normal. In a good way. Good night my little puffers." Harry said as he left the Hufflepuff common room.

Harry arrived at the Headmaster's office and entered after knocking. "Oh no, Albus. What's got you so tickled?"

Albus' eyes twinkled and he replied. "I just had a wonderful conversation with Minnie. It has lifted my spirits even more than I was expecting."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Let me guess. The age difference no longer bothers her and she's finally stopped denying your impertinent advances?"

Albus grinned brightly. "I believe she places little value in her suitors' ages, but I assure you it is not my heart that she yearns for."

Harry sighed. "Whatever. Anyways, I just wanted to warn you, I've got a friend coming by to help me put a little fright into my first few upper years' classes. Perhaps even some hands on defense."

"Do I know this friend?"

Harry shook his head. "I don't think you've ever had the pleasure of meeting Bob, but he dropped by to visit over the summer, and he agreed to come by again sometime during this first week. I just didn't want you to complain about me springing surprises on you."

Albus nodded. "Very well. I look forward to meeting this Bob character. Tell me, is he a Vampire?"

"Nope. And stop asking. It'll be a surprise."

"Oh dear I don't like the sound of that. He's not a Lycan, is he?"

"Nope. And I'm done answering. You'll know Bob when you see him. And why in the world did you make me the Head of Hufflepuff House?"

Albus smiled. "There weren't any Hufflepuff alumni on staff. The kids'll love you. Hogwarts recommended you. And despite teaching for the first year under this name, you already have shown yourself to be quite adept with children in your previous years teaching."

"Oh," Harry responded. "So it wouldn't have anything to do with you trying to make me become more attached and entrenched here. Not the sort of subtle manipulation to attempt to get me to stay in the position under my real name for many years to come?"

"Come now Harry." Albus said with a pouting frown. "You know me better than that."

"Yeah, I know you alright." Harry grumbled. "Good night, Albus."


Severus removed the note card from the unknown owl. He turned to Draco, who was enjoying his breakfast. "Look at that. With my Order of Merlin, I now receive a complimentary lifetime subscription to … a muggle magazine? Called Sassy?"

Draco looked up and raised an eyebrow. "Sassy? Never heard of it."

Severus shook his head. "Me neither. But it sounds like it's about rotten Gryffindors."

Neville overheard their conversation and quickly was tugging on Harry's sleeve.

Harry looked at Neville inquiringly. "Mmm-hmm?"

"Harry!" Neville whispered. "Didn't someone anonymously give me majority ownership of a muggle magazine named Sassy for my birthday?"

Harry smiled. "Why Neville, I do believe you are correct."

Neville looked dumbfounded. "I wasn't sure if that part was real or just a side-effect of the cake my mum baked me."

Harry nodded and explained, "It used to be this great magazine for teenage girls. Taught them where to put their hands, when to use teeth, how to get an abortion without your parents finding out and stuff like that. Until it was bought by the wrong guys and next thing you know it's nothing but a bunch of useless tripe."

Neville was looking at Harry as though he was completely insane.

"If your feeling adventurous, you could revamp it and try to regain some of its former glory. Perhaps even our esteemed colleague, Severus, could become the face of the new Sassy."

Neville barked out a laugh at Harry. "Oh yes, we definitely need more sallow-skinned greasy-haired teenage girls."

Harry overheard Draco mumbling about rotten Gryffindors first thing in the morning, and sent him a sharp burst of pleasure. He yelped and jumped out of his eat. "Dammit Potter. You can't just go and zap me whenever you feel like it!"

Harry challenged him. "I can't?"

Draco blustered, "What… But… it's against the law!"

"Really?" Harry mocked back. "And just what law is that?"

"But... I mean… it's just the same as if I cursed Longbottom in the back whenever he wasn't suspecting it and I felt like cursing him."

"Not exactly, although I think Neville might surprise you if you actually tried to do that."

"Argh," Draco said. "Fine. But you know I'm going to be sending curses at you."

Harry smirked. "I always assume you're going to do that anyway." Harry noticed Draco seemed to be getting agitated and sent a calming effect through his mark. "Relax, Draco. If I was really trying to antagonize you, I'd just tell the rest of the school that sandy-"

"No!" Draco screamed and cast a quick, but strangely inappropriate charm at Harry. Harry knew it was coming before it was ever cast, and he didn't feel like using the rings in front of the student body just yet, so he calmly stuck his hand in the air and backhanded the spell straight back at Draco. Draco's eyes widened comically and he dropped to the floor to duck. The orangish brown spell smacked Professor Snape right in the ear as he was drinking his juice.

The effects were immediate. And the entire hall just sat there silently, completely afraid to laugh. Unluckily for Severus this was not a spell that could be countered. It would only last about a day, but it was unavoidable. Everyone immediately began dreading Potions class today, as it would forever be known as the day Severus Snape had a large full bushy perm. It looked as though he had Professor Granger's hair, if she had just been dunked in oil. It was extremely curly, shiny, and black.

Harry was snickering knowing he was probably the only person who could get away with snickering right now. He handed a camera to Neville and whispered, "Just something to think about."

Severus snarled and growled right into the camera when Neville said, "Say cheese."

Draco went completely pale and ran sprinting out of the Great Hall. Severus slowly stood and was going to try and leave the Hall with some dignity.

With a pop, Apprentice Dobby appeared. He calmly addressed the Potions Professor. "Excuse me, Professor Snape? I believe you're letting your soul glow." Dobby made a face that was his attempt at a sneer, but really looked more like someone had hooked his cheek and was tugging it away from him. "You's might want to have that looked at."

A ripple of uncontainable laughter erupted from the students as Snape looked murderous.

Harry was cracking up. He lifted his hand high in the air. "Excellent work, my apprentice. Excellent."

With a pop, Dobby disappeared and immediately reappeared five feet up in the air. He smacked his Master a high-five and fell to the ground. "Thank you, Master." With another pop he disappeared from the Great Hall.

Neville just smiled at Harry, "Oh, he's good."

Harry nodded as tears began to form in his eyes. "It's moments like these I remember just why I wanted to become a teacher."