Chapter 1 - Losing Grip
Love: A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness
Nowhere in the definition of love does it state that it's okay for you to hurt the person you love. If this is true, then why does he insist on doing so? Love isn't about control or obsession, it's about being with someone you care for, and would die for.
I asked Rick one day if he'd die for me. He replied, "Baby, I'd kill anyone who tried to take you away from me." I smiled and rested my head on his shoulder, but that wasn't what I wanted to hear. Sure, it's nice to know that he'd do that for me. Sure, it's nice to know that he protects me, but it isn't the same. He protects me from everything else, but himself.
I sighed and closed the dictionary I had in my hand. I got up and walked over to my mirror to look at my newly formed bruise on my upper right arm.
Maybe he does this because he doesn't know how to show his love for me. Maybe.
I ran my fingers across the bruise and tried to make sense of everything.
I loved him, right? Surely he cares for me, but do I feel the same way?
I didn't know what to do anymore. One minute I'm in love with him, and the next I'm questioning myself and the feelings I have for him. What has gotten into me lately? I looked at the clock, and realized it was 7:45.
"Oh my god," I said to myself, "I was suppose to call Rick 15 minutes ago."
I ran over to my phone and dialed the numbers I knew so well.
Two rings went by before I heard his familiar voice.
"Hello?"
"Rick, I'm so sorry I didn't call. I lost track of time."
Silence.
"Rick?"
"When I say call at 7:30 , I mean call at 7:30. Not 7:31, not at 7:32, and definantly not at 7:45!"
"I'm so sorry. I was in my room thinking. About us."
"Oh, so now you're questioning our relationship? Terri--"
"No, no, no. That's not it at all! I was just thinking about how lucky I am to finally have you back in my life. That's it," I lied.
I could hear him finally start to calm down.
"I'm sorry for yelling. I love you Terri."
I hated this. I hated having to lie to myself.
"I love you too."
-x-
I looked over at the clock.
8:00
It wasn't too late to talk to her. To tell her everything.
I put on my gray sweatshirt and headed out the door.
What was I suppose to say to her? Emma, I love you. No, she'd probably freak out. Emma, break up with Chris and come back to me. Emma, I need you. Emma, I'm sorry?
I finally reached her house, but didn't go up the steps. I just stood there, and stared at the house. Life would flicker on and off. I could even hear the faint cry of the baby.
I contemplated going back. I didn't want her to turn me down. I couldn't deal with that kind of rejection. Not from her.
I finally managed to walk up those steps. I stood in front of the door, my hand raised in the knocking position.
What if she isn't home? I'll look like an idiot.
Against all of my thoughts, I quickly knocked on the door about three times. And I waited.
The door opened and a flustered Emma just stared at me.
"Sean?"
"I need to talk to you."
"About what?"
I looked past Emma and saw her mother staring back at me, with a confused and angry look on her face.
"Do you want to go for a walk?"
She nodded and stepped outside in the cold.
"Don't you want a jacket?" I asked, noticing her shaking.
She shook her head. "I'm fine."
I took off my sweatshirt and handed it to her. She looked at me and shook her head.
"I'm fine Sean. You don't have to worry."
I still held the sweatshirt to her. She sighed, giving up, and took it from me.
We walked in silence together until we reached the park, where we sat at a nearby bench.
"So, what exactly did you want to talk about Sean?" Emma asked, turning to face me.
I took her hands in mine and looked into her eyes.
"First, I just want to say I'm sorry. Sorry for choosing Jay over you. Sorry for breaking you heart. And sorry for never telling you how much I love you."
A tear rolled down Emma's cheek. She looked at me, pain in her eyes.
"Why are you telling my this now Sean? Why not then?"
"Better late than never I always say," I said jokingly. Emma did not find it amusing.
"This is no time to joke Sean."
"I know, I'm sorry. I just--"
She put her hand up to silence me.
"You really broke my heart Sean. Not only that, you embarrased me infront of your friends just so you could look 'cool'. Well, let me tell you something Sean. You didn't. You looked like an idiot. Do you remember when Raditch searched your car?"
I nodded.
"Do you know why I did that Sean? Do you? I loved you Sean, but you hurt me. I only did that to get back at your for breaking my heart. But it didn't work. Sure, you went to detention for two months, but didn't make me feel any better than I wanted it to. You still got off easy.
You met Ellie there. I like Ellie, don't get me wrong, but it was as if you were using her to try and get back at me. I tried to let it go, but it was killing me.
I have a wonderful boyfriend now. He's there for me when I need him, and he understands that I have a lot going on. He's not like you, Sean. He's not Selfish."
The words stung me really hard, but I didn't let it show.
Emma stood up and took off the sweatshirt I gave her.
"You broke my heart once Sean. I'll be damned if I let you do it again."
And with that, she threw the sweatshirt at me and ran off into the night.
A/N.....Yay! I'm so freaking proud of this chapter. You honestly have no idea!! So, be gentle in your reviews...
Love: A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness
Nowhere in the definition of love does it state that it's okay for you to hurt the person you love. If this is true, then why does he insist on doing so? Love isn't about control or obsession, it's about being with someone you care for, and would die for.
I asked Rick one day if he'd die for me. He replied, "Baby, I'd kill anyone who tried to take you away from me." I smiled and rested my head on his shoulder, but that wasn't what I wanted to hear. Sure, it's nice to know that he'd do that for me. Sure, it's nice to know that he protects me, but it isn't the same. He protects me from everything else, but himself.
I sighed and closed the dictionary I had in my hand. I got up and walked over to my mirror to look at my newly formed bruise on my upper right arm.
Maybe he does this because he doesn't know how to show his love for me. Maybe.
I ran my fingers across the bruise and tried to make sense of everything.
I loved him, right? Surely he cares for me, but do I feel the same way?
I didn't know what to do anymore. One minute I'm in love with him, and the next I'm questioning myself and the feelings I have for him. What has gotten into me lately? I looked at the clock, and realized it was 7:45.
"Oh my god," I said to myself, "I was suppose to call Rick 15 minutes ago."
I ran over to my phone and dialed the numbers I knew so well.
Two rings went by before I heard his familiar voice.
"Hello?"
"Rick, I'm so sorry I didn't call. I lost track of time."
Silence.
"Rick?"
"When I say call at 7:30 , I mean call at 7:30. Not 7:31, not at 7:32, and definantly not at 7:45!"
"I'm so sorry. I was in my room thinking. About us."
"Oh, so now you're questioning our relationship? Terri--"
"No, no, no. That's not it at all! I was just thinking about how lucky I am to finally have you back in my life. That's it," I lied.
I could hear him finally start to calm down.
"I'm sorry for yelling. I love you Terri."
I hated this. I hated having to lie to myself.
"I love you too."
-x-
I looked over at the clock.
8:00
It wasn't too late to talk to her. To tell her everything.
I put on my gray sweatshirt and headed out the door.
What was I suppose to say to her? Emma, I love you. No, she'd probably freak out. Emma, break up with Chris and come back to me. Emma, I need you. Emma, I'm sorry?
I finally reached her house, but didn't go up the steps. I just stood there, and stared at the house. Life would flicker on and off. I could even hear the faint cry of the baby.
I contemplated going back. I didn't want her to turn me down. I couldn't deal with that kind of rejection. Not from her.
I finally managed to walk up those steps. I stood in front of the door, my hand raised in the knocking position.
What if she isn't home? I'll look like an idiot.
Against all of my thoughts, I quickly knocked on the door about three times. And I waited.
The door opened and a flustered Emma just stared at me.
"Sean?"
"I need to talk to you."
"About what?"
I looked past Emma and saw her mother staring back at me, with a confused and angry look on her face.
"Do you want to go for a walk?"
She nodded and stepped outside in the cold.
"Don't you want a jacket?" I asked, noticing her shaking.
She shook her head. "I'm fine."
I took off my sweatshirt and handed it to her. She looked at me and shook her head.
"I'm fine Sean. You don't have to worry."
I still held the sweatshirt to her. She sighed, giving up, and took it from me.
We walked in silence together until we reached the park, where we sat at a nearby bench.
"So, what exactly did you want to talk about Sean?" Emma asked, turning to face me.
I took her hands in mine and looked into her eyes.
"First, I just want to say I'm sorry. Sorry for choosing Jay over you. Sorry for breaking you heart. And sorry for never telling you how much I love you."
A tear rolled down Emma's cheek. She looked at me, pain in her eyes.
"Why are you telling my this now Sean? Why not then?"
"Better late than never I always say," I said jokingly. Emma did not find it amusing.
"This is no time to joke Sean."
"I know, I'm sorry. I just--"
She put her hand up to silence me.
"You really broke my heart Sean. Not only that, you embarrased me infront of your friends just so you could look 'cool'. Well, let me tell you something Sean. You didn't. You looked like an idiot. Do you remember when Raditch searched your car?"
I nodded.
"Do you know why I did that Sean? Do you? I loved you Sean, but you hurt me. I only did that to get back at your for breaking my heart. But it didn't work. Sure, you went to detention for two months, but didn't make me feel any better than I wanted it to. You still got off easy.
You met Ellie there. I like Ellie, don't get me wrong, but it was as if you were using her to try and get back at me. I tried to let it go, but it was killing me.
I have a wonderful boyfriend now. He's there for me when I need him, and he understands that I have a lot going on. He's not like you, Sean. He's not Selfish."
The words stung me really hard, but I didn't let it show.
Emma stood up and took off the sweatshirt I gave her.
"You broke my heart once Sean. I'll be damned if I let you do it again."
And with that, she threw the sweatshirt at me and ran off into the night.
A/N.....Yay! I'm so freaking proud of this chapter. You honestly have no idea!! So, be gentle in your reviews...
