Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Harry saw class time was almost over. "I understand there has been some discussion," he began addressing his seventh years, "about intentionally getting detentions in my class in order to spend private time with the great, dreamy, extremely attractive Harry Potter."
"Don't forget to mention his endless pools of emerald eyes that a girl could happily drown in," a snarky Slytherin muttered.
"Five points to Slytherin for your cheek, Mr. Cooper."
A Ravenclaw girl wearing too much make-up raised her hand immediately.
"Yes, Miss Reynolds?"
"Did you just award points for cheek, Professor Potter?"
"Absolutely, Miss Reynolds," Harry said with a smile. "But don't worry. Today I won't be taking points for stating the obvious."
Christie Reynolds managed to blush and scowl.
"Now, as I was saying, I wish to dispel any rumors about what detention with me constitutes." Harry said as he looked over his class. "There will not be any candlelight dinners. There will not be any wacky adventures. There will not be anything fun or enjoyable if you are to be punished. Instead, you will just spend it in the broom closet."
A lot of confused and blank faces stared back at their latest DADA Professor.
"If you even like, I will allow you to bring a friend to detention with you. And what goes on in that broom closet is none of my concern. I am by no means encouraging any kissing and would no doubt get into trouble if there should be any, but I feel you should be forewarned before I subject you to a detention."
Harry explained, "It is a twist on a game I am sure most of you are familiar with entitled Seven Minutes in Heaven. Consider mine Seven Minutes in Detention."
"Seven minutes?" Bradley Cooper asked cheekily. "But what if that's not enough time, Professor Potter?"
Harry smiled. "Well, I assumed that would be plenty of time. But in case it's not, Mr. Cooper, you have just volunteered to test the effectiveness of this new policy." Harry waved his wand at an apparently blank portion of the wall and the disillusionment charm on a door dissolved. "This is the broom closet in question. Head on in there, Mr. Cooper, and I will alert you to when seven minutes have passed."
Bradley Cooper did not like the twinkle in his Professor's eye. "Can my girlfriend, Elise, come with?" he inquired with a nod towards a pretty seventh year Slytherin.
Harry shrugged. "It is only you, who has been given this detention, but, Miss Mathews, if you wish to join him, you are welcome to."
Elise Matthews saw the gleam in her Professor's eye that her head of house had warned all of Slytherin about. "Err, I think I'll pass this first time. Maybe later." She meekly said afraid to look at her boyfriend.
"Fine," Bradley grumbled and walked over to the broom closet. He opened the door. "Brr… a bit chilly in there, isn't it?"
Harry looked at his watch. "Seven minutes begins now. Thank you, Mr. Cooper." He turned away from the broom closet door, and looked at the rest of the class indicating Mr. Cooper was to begin. Bradley Cooper pulled his robes a little tighter around his body and closed the door behind him leaving him in the dark. A few muffled calls of "Lumos!" were heard and Harry explained to the class, "It is a detention, and so all magic will be suppressed in the broom closet. Now what can anyone tell me about dementors?"
Miss Reynolds raised her hand and was called on. Just as she opened her mouth to speak, a blood curdling scream erupted from inside the closet. The whole class gasped and whipped their heads towards the broom closet.
Harry tried to regain their attention. "You were saying Miss Reynolds?" Before she could reply, another more drawn out scream as well as "No! Oh god, no!" could be heard.
"Don't mind him," Harry assured the class. "He's probably just met Bob. Now, Miss Reynolds, dementors please?"
She looked a bit concerned at the sounds coming from the closet but she began, "The dementors are the guardians of the island prison of Azkaban. They feed off people's emotions and happiness. They're greatest weapon is the dementor's kiss, an action that sucks the soul from a living person, and-" There was loud fervent knocking on the door.
Harry waved off their worries. "He'll be fine. Please continue, Miss Reynolds."
"The only known defense is the patronus charm, and people suffering from the effects of dementors are soothed and healed with chocolate." She finished still snatching glances at the broom closet door.
"Anyone care to refute anything incorrect Miss Reynolds said? Or further to add?" Harry saw no one was paying him much attention. They were all looking fearfully at the broom closet. "Alright fine." Harry irritably said as he waved his wand and opened the broom closet.
Bradley Cooper scampered across the floor as fast as he could and clenched his arms around Harry's legs. He whimpered and cried and quietly pleaded, "I want my mummy," as he rocked back and forth. His woeful sniffles seemed to calm as he therapeutically sucked his thumb and held onto Professor Potter for dear life.
"Mr. Cooper, I'm disappointed. That was less than two minutes. I thought we were testing to see if seven was enough for you."
Bradley Cooper just whined pitifully.
"Very well," Harry said. "I guess perhaps I should have warned you that Bob was in the closet. He can be a bit overwhelming."
Bradley Cooper shook his head and seemed to be wishing the bad stuff away.
"Okay, class," Harry said ignoring the young man around his legs. "Miss Reynolds seems to think a patronus charm is the only way to fight dementors. This is not true. A patronus will drive them away, if it is sufficiently powerful. There are also magics that can contain them, though there isn't any direct magic the majority of wizards and witches can cast onto them that will affect them."
The class seemed to understand that Harry was saying he could do things to them, that none of them would be able to. Harry continued, "She also claims the dementor's kiss is their greatest weapon. Why don't we ask Bob if that's true?" Harry said with an innocent smile. "Bob? Can you come out and answer a question?"
A cold chill swept across the classroom as several students immediately understood what was happening. Some were grabbing onto their desks for support, while a few students near each other began huddling together for warmth. An eerie mist began to spill out from the closet and the massive dementor glided out slowly.
A few students were moaning and quietly muttering to themselves.
Harry stood there with a smile, completely unaffected. "Thanks Bob." Harry turned to see all the students in his class were feeling the effects of the dementor. "Now, Bob. Miss Reynolds says that the dementor's kiss is a dementor's greatest weapon. Is that true?"
The class was silent other than some teeth chattering.
The ancient raspy voice of Bob rattled out, "Nnnnooooooo." Bob turned and pointed a gnarled finger at Christie Reynolds. "Kissssssssss just forrreplaaaayyyyyy."
Christie Reynolds let out a loud whimper and shivered in her seat.
"Foreplay, enh?" Harry asked conversationally. "So then what truly is a dementor's-" The end of class bell rang interrupting Harry's question. "Saved by the bell. For homework I would like to hear your theories on what a dementor's greatest weapon is. Just a foot or two. However long it takes you to explain it if you know or to just theorize. There is hardly any written information on the subject, so if you cannot determine the answer, make something up. Class is dismissed. Chocolate is at the door. Take however many bars you like."
The students near the back left as quick as they could, while others were helping fellow students out the door.
"Miss Matthews?" Harry called out. "Would you mind helping Mr. Cooper to his room? I will inform his other professors that he seemed a bit ill and needed a nap. And two points to Slytherin for your assistance on the detentions, Mr. Cooper. One for each minute you lasted." Harry frowned. "Rounding up." He shook his head disappointed in the Slytherin."
Once the classroom cleared out, Harry and Bob began chuckling at just the sight of each other. "I can't wait to hear some of their theories." Harry said.
Bob snickered. "Just pick the best one and we'll pretend that one is true."
A few days later, after having successfully tormented all of his fourth years and up, Harry said goodbye to Bob. Bob was going to have a chat with Albus and head on home. Presently, Harry was relaxing in the staff room reading a book. Tonks snuck up behind Harry, though it was doubtful Harry was not aware of her presence. She reached around his neck and was nibbling on his ear.
Hermione had seen this happen enough times that it barely fazed her.
"Hey Harry, I've got some detentions tonight and am going to have to cancel our dinner." Tonks explained as she settled herself onto Harry's lap. "Can I reschedule for Thursday?"
Harry shook his head. "Sorry. I've got plans Thursday. How about Saturday afternoon?"
Tonks looked a little surprised. "I thought Saturday's were Ginny's time?"
Harry nodded. "Usually, but she can't this weekend, so we rescheduled for Sunday night."
Tonks pouted. "So what're you doing on Thursday?"
Harry smiled and shrugged. "Got a date."
"With who?" Tonks asked dangerously.
Harry condescendingly patted Tonks on the top of the head. "Now, now Tonky. You know the rules. Don't go getting territorial. If you want to go out with me, it can only be casually. I've been as open and honest about that as I can."
"I know, I know." Tonks tiredly agreed. She noticed Hermione watching them with an odd look. "I guess it's just frustrating seeing Hermione getting to date Nicholas exclusively and it's hard not to want that too."
Harry smirked and raised an eyebrow. "So you got the hots for Nicholas now?"
Tonks smiled victoriously. "Maybe. Jealous?"
"Of Nicky?" Harry shook his head. "Nope, I can't say that I am."
Hermione just grumbled a quiet, "ungh…"
Tonks relaxed. "That wasn't what I meant anyway and you know it."
Minerva saw her opportunity, though she usually tried to ignore Tonks' improper public displays. "Nicholas and Hermione are seeing each other exclusively now? Hmm. I got the feeling he was just using her for mid-life crisis number 134. So that true, Hermione? Has the oldest fish in the sea been hooked now?"
Hermione couldn't believe how calm the transfiguration professor looked after saying something so… catty. "Umm," Hermione shrugged. "To be honest, the exclusivity of our relationship hasn't ever been a topic of discussion. For all I know he could be seeing other people."
Minerva got a gleam in her eye. "Yes, that would be a shame. Which reminds me, I have a letter my Uncle Tom, an old acquaintance of Nicholas', wanted me to pass along to Nicholas in person. Is he going to be coming for a visit or to pick you up anytime soon, Hermione?"
Hermione's hackles were up and she replied, "I could probably ask him to stop by tonight if it's something urgent, Minerva."
Minerva smirked at this child's attempts at intimidation. "That would be fantastic. Thank you, Hermione. Let me know when he's here, or just send him to my quarters."
Hermione nearly growled out loud at the audacity of this rival invading her territory.
Tonks was a bit surprised to see these usually stern prim professors were two steps from scratching each other with nails and pulling hair. And over a six hundred some odd year old man who Tonks hadn't ever really considered as an option.
Harry on the other hand was nearly laughing out loud. The tension and animosity that seemed to have sprung up between Hermione and Minerva was terribly entertaining to an outsider. He was blissfully clueless as to what was going and probably would not have found the situation so amusing if he were to realize his old Transfiguration Professor wanted to jump his decrepit alternate identity's bones. Harry briefly imagined a world where he actually told Minnie that "she was too old for him" despite her belief that he was a good eight times as old as she was. Harry shuddered and knew that was not a world anyone would want to live in.
Harry's train of thought and occasional involuntary shivers were interrupted by Tonks asking, "So, since we're friends and know the rules, you can tell me. Who are you going out with on Thursday?"
Harry smiled at Tonks who was still nesting on Harry's lap. "Why do you want to know so bad? Why is it important to you?"
"It just is!" Tonks pleaded.
Hermione butted in, "For what it's worth he was talking on the floo to a Patil last night. Not sure which one though."
Tonks looked like she had won a prize. "Ooooh. A Patil. Is that it, Harry? One of the Patil twins?"
Harry just nodded.
Hermione smirked. "So which one is it? The ditzy airhead or the friendless nerd?"
Harry rolled his eyes. He saw Tonks and Hermione were truly expecting an answer, and everyone else was pretending to not be paying attention. Harry shrugged and quietly said, "Both."
Hermione's jaw dropped open. Harry liked to think it was because she was intrigued and amazed and not simply outraged. Sadly, Harry liking to think that did not make it true.
"You pig!" Hermione shrieked. "That is disgusting! And wrong in so many ways!"
Harry didn't disagree. But there are some decisions that get deferred because, well, twins. Or rather, really hot twins as opposed to Weasley twins. Harry was pleased to see Tonks wasn't anywhere near as outraged and angry as Hermione was. In fact, Tonks' eyes were glazed over and she was staring off into space.
Hermione continued her rant, "And that's completely unfair to Tonks and Ginny!"
"No it's not!" Harry retorted. "If Tonks and Ginny wanted to both go out with me at the same time, I'd be more than happy to. I mean," Harry seemed to be thinking about the possibility. "I'd be a lot more than happy to." Harry noticed the glazed look on Tonks' face had disappeared and been replaced with a look of shock and quiet contemplation. "Thanks for the idea, Hermione. You've certainly given me something to think about."
Hermione huffed at the lost to the world response, both Harry and Tonks were sending out.
"I take it you are leaving us now?" the Headmaster inquired.
Bob nodded his shadow hooded head. "Yes Headmaster, but I figured I owed you a discussion before I left."
"Lovely," the Headmaster replied. "And please, call me Albus."
"Thank you, Albus." Bob said as he settled himself into a chair. "And a fair warning, if anyone approaches or comes by I'll have to let loose some of my friendly charm and revert back to the old Dummmmmbledorrrre."
"Understood," Albus said with a smile. "I must concur in that I do not think many wizards are prepared for the idea of a civilized dementor."
Bob had turned his head and noticed Fawkes was sitting on her perch staring at Bob curiously. Albus was shocked to hear a telepathic call broadcast in his office. Both because he had no idea dementors were telepathic and because Bob seemed to be transmitting in the language of the phoenix, Phoenixia, a series of trills towards Fawkes.
Fawkes was as surprised as Albus and fell off her perch and into her tray, sitting there staring dumbfounded at Bob.
Bob actually giggled, which seemed unbecoming of a dementor. He sent out another amused telepathic call in Phoenixia. Fawkes actually jumped up completely startled and began undeniably laughing. Fawkes' whole body was shaking in mirthful chirps.
Albus didn't have the first clue what was going on.
Fawkes laughter was increasing and finally with a loud extended chirp, managed to squirt out an egg. It shot out of the tray and into the air. Bob reached out a hand and caught the still warm egg. Little bits of black lines seemed to be growing on the egg where Bob was holding it, and a small black smoke was hissing from the area. Bob set the egg safely on the tray below Fawkes perch.
Albus was beginning to think Bob was nearly as much a catalyst for ridiculous situations as Harry was. "Oh great Merlin." Albus mumbled. "Bob? I don't know where to start with you. Fawkes? You can lay eggs!"
Fawkes shook her head 'no', sat down on her egg, and tucked her head under her wing to take a nap.
Bob stage whispered to Albus, "I think she may be lying to you."
Albus stared at the silly bird who was making some loud fake snoring sounds. Albus shook his head and addressed Bob. "So how about you, Bob? Are you indicative of what most dementors are truly capable of? Telepathy? Speaking Phoenixia at least mentally? As well as far more powerful than perceived and patronus eating?"
Bob chuckled. "I'm a bit stronger than most dementors. Though we are all capable of telepathy. Not every dementor knows Phoenixia but a fair amount do. And, no, I doubt any other dementors could stand being around your patronus, let alone making illusions out of it. That's a sort of gift I received from Harry."
"Speaking of Harry," Albus segued. "How did you meet him? And how did he meet the real you?"
"Ahh yes. That's a funny story." Bob answered nervously. "The short version is I kissed him."
Albus' eyebrows rose. This was somewhat unexpected.
Bob continued. "The longer version is that myself and a few others were out searching for a beacon of sorts that was calling to us. We thought it was Harry, and the best way to find out seemed to be to give him the kiss."
"And if Harry wasn't the beacon…?" Albus inquired.
Bob weakly laughed. "We were really sure it was Harry. Really really. Like 99.99 percent sure. Well, okay at least 85 percent sure. Yeah, 85 is about right. If you're rounding. Mm-yeah."
Albus was beginning to think he may not have been paranoid in his protections of Harry. "So what happened when you kissed him?"
Bob relaxed. "Oh, his soul just fought it and stayed right where it was. When I gave up my efforts, he relaxed, called me an asshole, punched me in the mouth, and passed out."
Albus chuckled.
"It was a bit disturbing for me," Bob explained. "To weaken him initially I tried to suck all his happy memories away." Bob shook his head. "Took less than a second. What's usually painful and highly weakening was less effective than if I had pinched him. He hadn't had too many good memories by then. I think he's been making up for that lately."
They continued to chat idly about dementors and their mutual friend Harry quite a bit. Albus learned dementors don't have virgin daughters, nor have they ever been known to reproduce. They don't need to eat human sustenance but can with no ill effects if they want. He learned that the kiss is just a weapon and way to permanently incapacitate an enemy. They were a relatively peaceful sort and that's why they never killed. And they fed off errant emotions. If the entire world were Master Occlumens, the dementors may all starve to death. A patronus was a magical source of emotion that served as a source of poisoned emotions to a dementor and that was why it drove them away. It would take a long exposure to a patronus to ever maybe kill a dementor, but that was why it was so easy for the dementor to simply flee from them.
"And that reminds me," Albus stated. "I've been hearing that the dementor's kiss is not your greatest weapon."
Bob couldn't stop a snort from escaping before he did his best to muffle his snickering. "I take no responsibility for what Harry is teaching his students."
"So it is not true."
Bob was still laughing and stood up. "I never said that. I'm sorry Albus but it really is time for me to go." Bob was not making a very good effort to hide his amusement.
Albus frowned. "Please, Bob, just explain to me. What is a dementor's filthy sanchez?"
"Good day, Albus." Bob said as he composed himself after nearly choking when the Headmaster asked his last question. "We should have another chat like this sometime."
"You're welcome anytime, Bob. You're really not going to tell me?" Albus pleaded.
"As your friend, Albus, I'm telling you don't ask. Seriously, trust me, just don't ask."
And before Albus could say anything more, Bob seemed to dissolve into a mist and quickly sank into the floor, disappearing from the Headmaster's office.
