Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Note: I rarely put a note before a chapter but I figured I should give a fair warning. If you've read this far, then you can begin to see how my mind works. Just felt it would be prudent to mention, one of the scenes in this chapter I spent a little time brainstorming for the most nauseating and gross things I could. Tried to make sure to not cross into vulgar territory, but well, my mind isn't exactly pretty sometimes.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Dear
Diary,
Today I found out Harry Potter is nnnnnggghh.
Whuuugggghhhrrreee.
Today I found out Harry Potter
blligggiigggiiidddddyyyy.
Today
rhagghhuunnnhhaarrrrrbbbeeeetttteerrrr.
Dear
Diary,
I hate Harry Potter. And I hate secrecy spells too. But
worse than secrecy spells is Harry Potter. I can't stop thinking
about how much I hate him. I find myself writing limericks about how
annoying he is. And how he gets everything he wants. But he's too
stupid and noble to take the things he could. He's nowhere near as
pretty as me. Even Amanda Playwith, my magical mirror, agrees with
me.
I got hit in the head with an errant itching curse. If Harry hadn't shown up, I probably would have suffered serious coiffure damage. I wish I knew enough about wards so that I could properly protect my hair. Any more instances like today's and I'll just swallow my pride and ask Harry to cast some ridiculous ancient protection on it. It was another non-potion day in my apprenticeship studies. Severus and me spent two hours where I had to hold down a sneer, while he tried to distract me. Honestly, I've mastered this since I was ten, but Severus insists I need more practice.
I really should have thanked Dad for teaching me how to make a magical diary. I love you, Diary.
Hugs
and kisses,
Draco
The writing on the book swirled and disappeared. It kept blank for several seconds until slowly the familiar scrawl that Draco recognized as his own, faded into view.
Dear
Draco,
Wow, Harry Potter. I really had no idea you would
write about him. Again. I swear, Draco, we must be gay. All we do is
think about Harry, talk about Harry, complain about Harry, and drink
Harry Potter polyjuice and touch ourselves. But at least we agree
that we are prettier than Harry will ever be.
Anywho-hah, you know I'm just giving us a hard time. We're gorgeous, we're rich, we have great hair, we're powerful, mom told us it was a good size, we're intelligent, and everyone else in the world wishes they were us. Now let's quit the pity party and get to work on thinking up witty things to say. It wins us support and makes others look bad. 'Ferret Potter' certainly fell well below expectations but that's no reason to quit.
Yes, yes, Dad was wonderful for teaching us how to make a magical diary. Oh that reminds me, that itchy painful feeling inside of you? That's nothing to worry about. We figured that we would have an allergic reaction in Hogwarts due to the close proximity to mudbloods, so this isn't unexpected. Lost time and not being sure how you got somewhere are also perfectly normal. And remember, never trust anyone but me. Ever.
Love hearing from you, hot stuff.
Hugs
and kisses,
Diary
Draco closed his diary thinking the darn thing seemed to have a mind of its own. But there was no denying it is as brilliant as Draco is beautiful. It was spot on with that feeling of itchy pressure inside his body. It felt like Draco was losing himself inside of himself. Maybe now Severus would believe him about his allergies.
Harry was sitting across from Padma and Parvati Patil doing his best to focus on his menu long enough to figure out something to order. Every time he looked at the menu, he'd go cross-eyed and the words were just blurred. But when he looked at his dates, his vision was better than dragonsight. Every once in a while he'd look up and smile, just to double check that he wasn't imagining this. Padma and Parvati were both wearing their Hogwarts uniforms. Not the silly hat, nor the massive cloak and solid black robe. But that tie that hung and drew your eyes straight towards a girl's chest, and those pleated skirts. And, Merlin be blessed, because Harry was guessing these were about their fourth year's uniforms, when the bodies that filled them out were a bit smaller and the clothes were a bit looser. Harry was mildly impressed they were able to breathe normally at the moment. Harry certainly was struggling to breathe normally. He looked back at his menu and still just saw blurred words and pictures.
Harry thought he'd try a different tactic. "So ladies, any idea what you're going to order?"
Padma smiled at Parvati and asked, "You're not looking to fall in love or anything, right Harry?"
Harry smiled and shook his head. "No more than I'm looking to catch a bludger in the crotch."
Parvati interjected in a business-like tone. "Perfect, because if you want to ditch this stuffy restaurant and just go to the grocer, we can buy all your favorite foods, rub it all over our naked bodies, and you can just eat off of us?"
Harry slowly put down his menu, watching the Patil twins.
Padma let out a quiet moan at her sister's proposition and just growled while staring into Harry's eyes.
It took all of eleven seconds for Harry to grab the two Patils by the hand, pop over to a grocery store, grab some strawberries, honey, whipped cream, peanut butter, pudding, and chocolate syrup, and then pop back to one of his apartments.
The next morning, Harry's internal alarm clock went off at about six AM. Waking up to phoenix song may cleanse one's soul, but waking up in a Patil sandwich helps to straighten out one's priorities. Due to the absence of a normal morning reaction, Harry had to check the bait and tackle under the hood and sure enough, he too was an identical Patil twin. Harry quietly sighed to himself, wondering why even among incredibly rare gifts like metamorphmagi he had to be completely abnormal. Historically metamorphmagi will often lose their form shifts in the relaxation of deep sleep. With a small effort a metamorphmagus can maintain transformations, but it's usually not worth the extra drain, and unless it is consciously kept up, the natural form reasserts itself. But not Harry. Oh heavens, nothing would be that simple for Harry. Every once in a while Harry would wake up in a completely different form than he went to sleep with. He nearly gave Tonks a heart attack the first time she woke up next to Voldemort. Apparently Harry had one of his old nightmares, though Tonks thought it was just Harry's subconscious playing yet another prank on her. Hermione woke up next to Professor Snape one time, so utterly horrified she blacked out just moments after waking. Harry convinced her it must have been a bad dream, but knew to keep an eye on her for an addiction to dreamless sleep potion.
As the events of the previous evening came back to Harry, he realized that this Patil twin form actually was the same form he went to sleep in. Harry couldn't help but smile and eat some of the dried chocolate syrup mustache off his upper lip for breakfast. Harry got dressed, conjured up a couple dozen unnaturally green and black roses, and signed a short card: Let me know if you want a copy of the tape.
Today was Friday. Harry had a good feeling that it was going to be a nice day.
It had been a little while since he dropped in on his puffers, so Harry made his way into the common room. "Good morning, my little puffers!" Harry bellowed out.
"Professor Potter!" Ryan Adams greeted. "You're in a good mood this morning."
Harry sighed and smiled. "I'm still glowing from sex with twins."
"What!" an enraged Rose Zeller said.
Harry paused just a half moment and innocently 'repeated', "I'm still going on my second wind."
"At seven in the morning?" Rose asked disbelievingly.
Harry nodded resolutely, "Busy morning."
Evan Morgan spoke up, "Actually, Professor Potter perhaps you can help us in our discussion."
Harry nodded and indicated for Evan to continue.
"Ryan, as you know, had to regrow the bones in his wrist the day before and he said that Skele-Gro potion was far and away the grossest thing he'd ever had to drink."
Harry nodded, "Yeah it's pretty awful. I've had it more times than I care to remember."
Evan continued, "I'm sure it's bad, but we've been trying to determine what really would be the grossest thing we could think of to consume."
"Ahh. Be careful," Harry warned. "No matter what you can come up with, there will always be something grosser out there. Or a way to make something worse. But let's hear what you've come up with and I'll see if I can add anything fun to your list."
"So far the leading candidates are," Rose Zeller began. "An equal parts mixture of milk, orange juice, and vinegar. I've a muggle friend who claims it's a hangover cure but pretty wretched to drink. Another suggestion was the collected liquid run-off from Professor Snape's unwashed pillowcase. Love stains optional."
Harry grimaced. "I see you guys have put some thought into this."
Rose continued. "Evan is still trying to make his case for Diet Coke, but if some muggles like it, it's hard to imagine it is as bad as he claims. And the last one we've been considering is a four cheese and chocolate shake."
"With hot fudge!" Linda Miller added with a smile.
"Cornelius Fudge?" Harry asked.
Evan blanched. "Oh dear, that is worse already."
Harry looked at them. He slipped into his calm and cool professor type posturing. "Those are some respectable suggestions, but you can always add in extra flavors you know. For example, when you use milk, you can always become more specific. Say instead of just milk, you can spice it up and mention that it is milk that was hand-pumped from one of Voldemort's extra nipples. Maybe even from before his rebirth when he was just a mutated freak baby."
A few of the Hufflepuffs got scared and began to step away from their Head of House.
Harry ignored them and went on lecturing. "If you want to stick to standard food items, you can mix them up in different ways. Maybe something like rotten eggs and onions boiled in Dr. Pepper and topped with frozen dog food gravy."
Rose and Evan caught each other's eyes and realized they were all amateurs at this game compared to their DADA professor.
"If you branch out into the magical world, there's a cornucopia of smells and tastes you can't find anywhere else." Harry explained. "One of my personal favorites is a vampire drink. It's a finely blended fetus and peaches smoothie." Harry chuckled. "They call it a Fuzzy Natal."
"Or if you have ever seen a Giant spear a prairie dog on a sharp stick and while the rodent's still twitching in the throes of its death, the Giant spins it in his ear to clear out his ear canal and collect the waxy build-up. Right there are several potential spices and seasonings for an unappetizing meal in both the prairie dog and the thick, creamy wax."
When no one seemed able to stop Harry, he just kept on going.
"There is an acromantula silk-spinning by-product that loosely translates to 'hot wet sick'. Rumor has it that it's even poisonous to immortals, though of course not fatal. Just for the visual of a naturally occurring chunky neon green, that's a powerful image."
A few of the younger students began to sniffle.
Harry smiled. "The same vampire who taught me about Fuzzy Natals used to go on about how she loved to eat lumpy mashed potatoes smothered in werewolf menstruation."
"Werewolf what?" a confused Linda Miller asked.
Harry smiled and said, "Ahh yes, werewolf menstruation. Every once in a while, there's a female werewolf, who will have her monthly friend Flo dropping by at the same time as the moon is full. The cycles aren't quite exact though, so it varies a bit back and forth. The stuff, if collected properly, is great for sex magic and from the sound of it, also great for complimenting the flavor of tater tots. Now if you go so far as to include fecal-"
"Professor!" Evan yelled. "Please! You're scaring the first years."
Harry just now noticed most of the first years had sad frowns on their faces and tears running down to their chin. "Oops, sorry. Guess I got a little carried away there."
Harry concentrated for a second and then let loose a wave of magic. The massive cheering charm had the desired effect, and the first years were smiling again. "Anyways, I'll stop now but just reiterate like I said, there's always something worse or a way to make what you're imagining even more nauseating. Alright then, off to breakfast." Harry smiled and nodded and left the common room.
There was a distinctly smaller number of Hufflepuffs eating breakfast today than usual.
Tonks was really hoping there would be a better turn-out at least from Harry's own house for this. She'd gotten help from the only person she thought could help her get one over on Harry: Nicholas Flamel. Nicholas seemed almost as excited as Tonks was at the opportunity to try and prank Harry. Nicholas warned Tonks not to count her chickens before they hatched as Harry was known for sneaking his way out of pranks when least expected.
Tonks didn't know how, but Nicholas even convinced Dobby to help them. Over the night she had managed to make her way into Harry's quarters and into the super secret drawer Nicholas told her about. She got the mega-concentrated dungbomb trained to follow a person around for a preset amount of time. She'd never heard of one of these, but Nicholas said he and Harry had developed them. Nicholas didn't have any but he knew where Harry kept his. And with Dobby's assistance Tonks was able to make her way through Harry's wards and reach this powerful magical prank item.
It was significantly larger than Tonks would have guessed. It was the size of a bowling ball, and had a three second fuse on it, which Tonks immediately clipped down to less than a second. Tonks morphed into her previously agreed upon form of Professor Flamel. She was carrying the massive dungbomb behind her back as she walked up to Harry.
"Nicholas!" Harry exclaimed with a raised eyebrow. "I didn't expect to see you today."
Tonks, in the guise of Nicholas, smirked and pulled out the gift from behind her back. "Just dropping off a present for you, Harry."
Harry's eyes went wide and he quickly yelled "Where did you get that?"
Tonks didn't even give Harry a moment before tapping her wand to the fuse and tossing it right to Harry. Harry quickly flipped his hand upward and a levitation charm shot the massive bomb straight up into the air. It crashed through the enchanted ceiling of the Great Hall and was still rising rapidly when it exploded in a massive white light. A deafening crack of thunder shook the entire school and little sparks of magic seemed to be raining from the sky.
Tonks was mildly surprised to see her imitation of Nicholas Flamel's form seemed to dissolve right in front of her, as more than a few kids looked around wondering what had just happened. Tonks winced and saw the worried look on Harry's face. "Umm… oops?"
And so began the first day in Hogwarts history where no one could do any magic. Well, almost no one.
