Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.


CHAPTER NINETEEN

Harry and Albus walked into the staff room, neither in the mood to discuss the particulars of what had just happened.

Harry saw Hermione sitting there reading, and said, "Well, Draco is no longer single."

Hermione raised an eyebrow.

Albus chuckled and said, "He's double."

Harry groaned knowing he had set that one up perfectly.

Hermione curiously asked, "Do I even want to know?"

Harry replied, "Well, who do you know would be pretty enough, arrogant enough, rich enough, have blood pure enough, and would be so far off the deep end that dating Draco Malfoy would sound like a good idea to them?"

Hermione thought about it, and finally shook her head. "I can't think of any wizard or witch that meets those criteria and hasn't erased his own memory and been committed to St. Mungo's."

Harry shrugged. "It's pretty obvious when you think about it. There's only one person good enough for Draco."

"Oh just tell me already!" Hermione huffed.

Harry smirked. "Draco."

Hermione was about to yell at Harry and paused to think about it. "Oh," she whispered. "Oh dear."

"Exactly," Harry explained with a nod.

Hermione was making some painful faces, which were terribly amusing to Albus. Finally she asked, "So there's two of him out there now?"

Harry lifted his hand and concentrated for a second before shaking his head and answering. "Nope, there's just the one right now."

Hermione looked at Harry oddly.

Harry's eyes went wide with surprise. "Oh good lord. Never mind. There's two of him again."

"Harry," Hermione sighed and rested her face in her hands. "Are you perverting nature again?"

"This one wasn't me!" Harry pleaded. "Even Albus agreed this was the best solution."

Hermione looked at Albus who was smiling merrily. "I agreed with our intentions. The end result was nowhere near anything what we were expecting at all. But if there's occasionally two Draco's running around, well, so be it. As long as I'm not the one who can't help but listen in on their twisted, perverse lifestyle."

Harry groaned again and sank down into his chair.

Hermione smirked. "So… two Draco's? Maybe a little competition to get between you and the Patil twins?"

Harry made a pained face. "I'm pretty sure they have just a tad too much vagina for him." Harry smiled and tilted his head. "And come to think of it, he and Tibbles may not have enough penis for the twins either."

Hermione gacked and left the room muttering about disgusting childish boys, though Harry would swear he saw her smiling and blushing.

Albus rolled his eyes but was still quite pleased with this evening's outcome.

"Why are you so happy, Albus?" Harry finally asked.

Albus was smiling brightly, his eyes were twinkling, and he replied, "I sometimes miss seeing just how deviant simple things can become around you, Harry. That, and I think I'm entitled to a bit of schadenfreude after those boils and being made a muggle and being hit by lightning and dropping Minnie on me and-"

"Oh shush, child," Harry frustratingly scolded.


"Luna," Harry asked. "Am I whore?"

Luna looked down at the naked man resting his head on her belly. "Depends on your definition of whore."

Harry considered. "How about the general common definition?"

Luna lay back and looked at the ceiling. "By that definition, then, yes. You're a whore."

Harry asked, "What about your definition?"

Luna concurred. "Yup."

Harry wondered. "What about my parents or Sirius?"

Luna agreed. "Oh most certainly. You're a whore, through and through."

Harry sat there pensively enjoying the warmth her belly provided. "I think I'm okay with that."

Luna smiled. "That's good. I wouldn't want to lose my favorite one-eyed trouser snake to some wicked traditionalist concepts of love."

"You ever think I'll fall in love?" Harry asked.

Luna replied. "Are you so sure you haven't already?"

Harry thought about it. "Nope. No clue. For all I know I could be 'in love' with a dozen people right now."

"A dozen?" Luna asked.

"Tonks, Ginny, Padma, Parvati, Hermione, Susan, Hannah, Daphne, Tracey, Hestia, Milla, and of course, you Luna." Harry rattled off in a single breath.

"Wow," Luna responded. "You are a whore. And you might be in love."

Harry sighed.

"Does it matter whether you can officially claim either title: whore or love?" Luna asked.

Harry thought about it and realized, "No. It doesn't."

Luna smiled. "Good. Because I love you being my whore."

Harry exhaled with relief and rolled over to face Luna. "Why can't all girls be as smart, intuitive, and logical as you, Luna?"

Luna sighed. "Woman's Intuition."

Harry raised an eyebrow.

Luna explained. "It's our secret way of saying we're all nutters."

Harry nodded his head and agreed.

"Well, Harry, it's almost seven." Luna stated.

Harry sighed.

Luna added. "That was me reminding you of your date with Tonks."

"Oh crap! I got to go." Harry exclaimed jumping up. He looked at the cute little naked blonde laying there. "Man, you're classy! Thanks, Luna." Harry kissed her goodbye before disappearing with a pop.

Luna lay there for a moment, thinking. She happily declared to the empty room, "Whores are awesome."


"Hey Tonks, how's it shaking?" Harry greeted.

"Like a loose goose in my juicy caboose." Tonks smiled and hugged him. "And now you can stop staring at my bum."

"Sorry," Harry apologized. "But you mentioned your juicy caboose. It's like a woman saying, 'Don't look at my breasts.' If you weren't before, you definitely will after that statement."

"Yeah, yeah. I'm just joking with you anyway." Tonks waved off his apology. "So what's the plan for tonight? Dinner? Muggle movie? Wild monkey sex?"

"I was thinking a definite yes to dinner, as I'm pretty hungry. After that, it's up to you."

"Let's play it by ear. I think I'm in the mood for some pizza."

The couple was relaxing at dinner, engaging in light conversation. "So there's Bill Weasley and my dad trapped in the muggle entrance to the Ministry of Magic and…"

Harry chuckled. "Let me guess: and the phone booth disappeared with both of them in it as they jumped through time?"

Tonks' eyes were wide. "How'd you know?"

Harry snickered.

Tonks was insistent. "How on earth did you know that?"

Harry could tell Tonks was clueless. "Did they describe their adventure through time?"

Tonks immediately replied, "Dad said it was excellent!"

"Did they bring back any proof," Harry asked doing his best not to laugh in Tonks' face. "Or could this all just be some bogus journey?"

Tonks thought about it and was shaking her head. "I don't remember any proof. Though my Dad certainly found something extremely humorous about the situation."

Harry couldn't take it and began laughing loudly. He really needed to meet Ted Tonks. He sounded like a pretty fun guy.

"I'm sorry Tonks. Just was remembering a muggle movie." Harry explained. "I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing with you." Harry was snickering severely. "It's just that you don't get the joke."

Tonks frowned at Harry. She threatened, "Do you want me to make a scene?"

Harry's chuckles ceased immediately. "No. I'm good. I'll be nice. I promise."

Tonks smiled. Make one thoroughly embarrassing scene and just carry the threat of more. Unsurprisingly, the appearance of a pregnant thirteen year old dinner date makes Harry nervous. "So anyways, while I've got you behaving, want to talk to me about whatever's been bothering you?"

Harry looked at Tonks curiously.

"Don't think I haven't noticed you occasionally stare off into space, thinking something not particularly happy." Tonks explained. "I'm trying to not take it personally."

Harry smiled slightly at Tonks. "Definitely, don't take it personally. I've just been… thinking some."

"About what?" Tonks softly inquired.

Harry sighed. "About the fairness of dating several people at the same time."

Tonks frowned. "Have you ever been dishonest with any of the people? Or misled them into thinking you weren't dating others?"

Harry shook his head vehemently. "No way. I don't exactly name them all off a list, but I make it clear I am casually involved with others in the same manner as them."

Tonks shrugged. "Then what you're doing is completely fair."

"Is it?" Harry asked. "I mean I know I have absolutely no right to ask them not to see other people, but none of them are, as far as I know. And I like that they're not seeing other people. If they were, then my opinion of them could potentially change. I'm not saying I'd stop liking them, or even that I'd like them less. But it'd be hard for my opinion of them not to be influenced by their taste in other guys. It's just, I'm dating several of them, and they are all just dating one person: me. Is that fair?"

Tonks considered it. "Well, okay, when you put it like that, it does sound like a bit of a bum deal." Tonks shook her head. "But as long as you're being honest about it, you're being as fair as you possibly can. We're the ones loony enough to still be willing to date you."

Harry felt better hearing the same arguments that he was using to try and convince himself. He smiled shyly. "Thanks Tonks."

Tonks smiled back. "I know how important the concept of family is to you, but don't do anything you're not ready for." Tonks could see Harry's mind was in the gutter after that comment and continued. "Harry, you're going to turn twenty-two in a few months. Would you rather date just one person and be completely devoted and in love?"

Harry immediately replied. "No, I wouldn't. You're right. I am still just a kid. And I consider all of you a part of my own twisted family already. 'Sisters with benefits' sounds pretty horrifying, but you get the idea."

Tonks' curious look was a bit disquieting. "Then stop thinking about it. Date all of us. Continue being honest with all of us, and for Merlin's sake don't deny us our Elixir of Life! Tonky needs her medicine."

Harry chuckled. "I am twenty-one, Tonky. I do have some priorities."

Idle conversation continued until the pair elected to skip any other plans and just do their monkey impressions back at the castle.


'Oh dear god, what have I done?' Tonks thought franticly. 'What the hell happened? Oh god. Oh god.'

'Hermione is going to skin me,' she thought.

Tonks paled even more. 'Harry won't like me anymore.'

'Think! Think! Think!' Tonks pleaded. 'We had a nice dinner. Harry seemed more mature and open. Was it really Harry? Stop! Of course it was. Ran into Nicholas and Hermione. Harry and Nicholas talked about something. Went back to the DADA office. The four of us drank. Drank a lot. Drank some more. Hermione and Nicholas left. Or was it Harry? Stop! It was Nicholas. Played some of the old, 'Guess who I am and where I'm going to touch you?' And last I remember going to sleep, I looked like Hermione, but with better breasts, and Harry looked like… he looked like… yeah, he looked like Salazar Slytherin.' Tonks recollected.

'So how on earth am I waking up next to Nicholas Flamel?' Tonks asked herself. 'I always half-suspected he was a metamorphmagus and this looks like the truth. In sleep you revert to your natural form. And he definitely wasn't Nicholas when he fell asleep.'

'No, this is crazy! This is some stupid prank of Harry's. Some joke.' Tonks argued with herself. 'And… ahh crud. I recognize my teeth marks on his bum and his… ooooh sorry. Didn't mean to draw blood. Oh lordy. What the heck happened. I can't be here. We'll just pretend nothing happened. I'll find out what Harry last remembers and we'll never need to think this happened.'

'Oh geez, where are my clothes?' Tonks panicked. 'Duh. Am I witch or not?'

Tonks quietly whispered, "Accio panties!"

Tonks grabbed the strangely warm panties flying at her, hurriedly got dressed, and quietly made her way back to her quarters.


Tonks walked into the staff room, heading towards the conversation she could hear.

"No idea. She must have left in the night and was already back at her quarters." Harry said.

Hermione spotted Tonks entering and pointed. "There she is. Hey Tonks, let me guess: Your old regular friend dropped by and you needed to get back to your rooms?"

"Regular? I've never slept with him before!" Tonks paled and scratched her itchy underwear.

"I meant you got your period." Hermione frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"Nothing!" Tonks yelled back. "Stop harassing me!" She exclaimed and stomped out of the staff room.

"Well, that was different." Harry observed.

Hermione shook her head thinking. "You sure you didn't hurt her last night?"

Harry replied negatively. "If anyone got hurt, it was me. But it was one of those good hurts."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "I meant emotionally, you pervert."

"Oh." Harry retorted. "Naw, I don't think so. I was actually a bit more open and honest than usual at dinner, and she was helping me emotionally. After that it was just the four of us drinking here. My memories a bit hazy, but I don't think she was hurt. I mean she was plenty happy once you and Nicholas left. And that's 'plenty' with a capital P. Big P-ness sorts of happy."

Hermione blushed. "Yes, yes. I get your point loud and clear."

"I don't talk in my sleep, do I?" Harry asked.

"Not to my knowledge. Do you?" Hermione replied.

Harry shook his head. "Don't think I ever have. Just trying to figure out… oh… oh dear. You don't think Tonks knows, does she?"

"About nnnngggghhh?" Hermione finished as Tonks was unsubtly peeking back into the staff room.

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Anything I should know about Tonky?"

"No!" Tonks insisted franticly. "Nothing you should be bothered with."

Harry was far from convinced but wasn't going to press the matter. "Well then, are waiting for me to leave to talk to Hermione? Or for Hermione to leave so you can talk to me?" Harry asked diplomatically.

"Err…" Tonks paused. "I was going to ask Hermione how I could get a hold of Nicholas."

Harry smiled, "I might be able to help you with that."

"Hello honey," Nicholas said coming up behind a completely unsuspecting Tonks.

Tonks jumped back, "Don't you call me that!"

Nicholas who was now in the process of kissing Hermione on the cheek, paused and looked at Tonks. "Okay." He looked at Harry and then back at Tonks. "I won't call you that."

Harry, Hermione, and Nicholas were all standing there watching Tonks curiously. She seemed particularly meek and could be seen gulping. The three others all looked at each other briefly and said nothing. They turned their attention back to Tonks.

Nicholas broke the silence and watching Tonks carefully, asked, "How are you doing this morning?"

"Not too bloody well!" Tonks yelled at him.

Harry, Hermione, and Nicholas all looked at each other a bit shocked.

"Err… would you like a hangover potion?" Nicholas suggested.

Tonks could not believe the audacity of the man. Her emotions wavered before settling on anger. "How many times do I have to tell you to stop harassing me!" Tonks exclaimed and stormed out of the staff room.

Nicholas pointlessly answered, "Once should do it."

Hermione smacked Nicholas upside the head. "What the dibbity is going on?"

Nicholas and Harry looked at each other. They answered in unison. "We don't know."

Harry continued, "He's only a couple minutes older than me."

Nicholas nodded and smiled at Hermione. "But I think you might find out soon."

Hermione was about to retort when Tonks stuck her head back in the staff room. "Hermione," Tonks said with a forced calm. "We need to talk. Somewhere private. Away from these all too eager to eavesdrop, Neanderthal men."

Harry and Nicholas both looked at each other curiously, while Hermione marched out of the staff room with determination. Hermione didn't know what was going on, and she hated that more than toast.