After the exhausting battle with Sephiroth, Tifa relocated her bar to Nibelheim and
took residence in her old home. Cloud moved back in to his own home after the old
woman mysteriously disappeared after meteor. Unfortunately the bar was never complete
because of the lack of Gils. Tifa had to take two jobs to pay for some of the wood used
for the construction of the bar. To make matters worse, it was unbearably hot in
Nibelheim the day Tifa decided to work on the bar and there was no way of cooling off.
Vincent decided to stay in the Shinra Mansion because the old house suited his moods.
He driven out the monsters that haunted the mansion and somehow placed Lost Number
back in the safe. Since YingYang never leaves the basement and hardly causes trouble, he
lets the monster stay. Tifa was found in the incomplete bar lying on her back on top of
the table. Her face was covered with sweat and her hair clenched to her face. Cloud came
in with a pitcher of cold water and poured two glasses for Tifa and himself.
Tifa: Damn it! Why does it have to be so hot today!?
Cloud (drinking): Sip…
Tifa: I wish the sun would go away so I could cool off.
Cloud: Sip Sip…
Tifa: I wish these stupid bills would go away as well.
Cloud: Sip Sip Sip…
Tifa: I wish you would stop sipping so loud.
Cloud: blink blink blink.
Tifa: Cloud!
Cloud: What?!
Tifa: Stop that.
Cloud: Stop what?
Tifa: Ahhh just forget it!
Cloud: Okay.
Tifa got up from the table and wiped the sweet from her face with a cloth that was left
behind. A gust of wind suddenly blown into the bar through the unfinished roof and
quickly died out. A loud roar was heard and quieted after a while.
Anonymous1: You #%$^#$, you stupid @#$%$%^. I hate your @#$%^&!
Anonymous2: Me! What did I do you @#$%^&*#. It's your @#$%^ fault you white
@#$%^ ^@#$% face!
Anonymous1: lllll @#$%^ you!
Tifa giggled, knowing who it was. Cloud signed and forced himself up. Both Barret
With Marlene and Cid came inside. After the battle with Sephiroth, Barret retured to
Coral in hopes of restoring the old ghost town. Cid decided to go back to rocket town
where he finally apologized to Sara for being an #$^$#^.
Cid: That's it! I'm tired of this #$%#$# beeper.
Cid walkes up to the mysteries beeper and destroys the helpless object with rage.
Cid: Take that you fucken piece of fucken shit.
Cid continues to stab the already unrepairable beeper.
Tifa: Where did that beeper come from?
Barret: How the fuck am I suppose to know? How about you Spike Ass?
Cloud: Why won't you shut the fuck up you marshmallow.
Barret (screaming): Stop insulting my sailor suit!!!
Marlene: Daddy I'm hungry!
Cid: Yeah me too!
Marlene: He's not your daddy.
Barret: I'll have nightmares for life if he is my son.
Tifa: Lets all go to my place. I can come up with something.
Cloud: Is this a trap for me?
Tifa (mischievous): NO!!!!
Cloud: …
Yuffie and Vincent were playing a hard game of chest. Nanaki was watching
and Cait Sith was complaining about how nobody wanted to have their fortune
read.
Cloud: Hey Tifa, how many games did they played?
Tifa: How many?
Cloud: Yeah that's what I said "how many?"
Tifa: This is still their first game Cloud.
Cloud: First game?
Tifa: Yup.
Cloud: How long were they playing?
Tifa: Almost a whole week.
Cloud: A Whole Week!!!
Tifa: Almost a week.
The game was never finished. Vincent and Yuffie were dragged out of the bar.
Nanaki and Cait Sith followed along with hopes of getting their stomach filled.
Tifa came in first, followed by Barret and Cid, who were carrying a numb Yuffie
and Vincent. It was obvious that they haven't moved from their seats for the week
during the chest match, therefore cutting the blood circulation from their legs.
Yuffie: I'm hunnnnnnnnnnggggggggrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy!!!
Vincent: I'm dyyyyyyyyyyyyiiinnnnnnnngggggggggg!!!
Cid: Shut up you knuckleheads.
Cloud enters the house with his guard up, afraid of a surprise attack from Tifa.
He was relieved when he was confirmed that Tifa was already in the kitchen, singing
a familiar tune.
Tifa (singing): I want to be the very best that no one every was…
Cloud: Oh no not Pokemon again.
Tifa: To catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause…
Cloud: No don't sing. No more!!!
Tifa: You always love to spoil my fun.
Cloud: By singing the Pokemon theme song!
Tifa: Hey don't make fun of pokemon. It's very educational.
Cloud: And sickening cute!
Tifa: Hey don't make fun of the pikachus!
Cloud: It's a rat!
Tifa: It's really a mouse.
Cloud: What's the difference?
Tifa: One's cute, one's not.
Cloud: Two words.
Tifa: What?
Cloud: Rat poison!!!
Tifa: Eeek!!!
Cloud: ;)
Cloud runs out of the kitchen as pots and pans somehow gained the ability
to fly at full force against his head with Tifa screaming at Cloud for being cruel
against the pikachus and the other pokemon.
Cloud: But it's only a TV show.
Tifa: Go away or you won't get fed.
Cloud (pounting) You may have won the battle, but the war is not over!
Cloud walks towards the dinning area, dragging his Napoleon hat with him. He
quietly sits down. Barret and Cid were swapping stories on how much alcohol they
can hold and get drunk with. Marlene was playing with Nanaki's tail. Nanaki was
careful with the small child and every time she came close to touching the flame he
flicks his tail away from her. Cait Sith was harassing everyone into telling them their
fortune. Yuffie was looking for an opportunity to steal some materia and Vincent was
silently brooding. Aeris mysteriously appeared out of nowhere. Tifa finished making the
meal and placed the food on the table. Everyone rushed to get their share before
everything was gone.
Tifa: Cloud.
Cloud: Yes Tifa?
Tifa: Can you take the trash out for me?
Cloud: But I'm eating now.
Tifa: It's only two seconds.
Cloud: But…
Tifa: JUST DO IT!
Cloud: grrr FINE.
Tifa (whispers to herself): My plan is working.
Cloud walks to the kitchen and collects the trash. He mumbles to himself how he was
being unappreciated and forced into hard labor AKA taking out the trash. He walks
through the small allay that is between Tifa and his own house. A small tattered noise
broke the silence of the night.
Cloud: God we are starting to sound like a married couple.
?????: Hisssss…
Cloud: What was that?
?????: Hiss Hiss.
Cloud: I think I should start running now.
A small furry animal jumped from one of garbage can and angrily hissed at Cloud.
It's face was white, but the rest of the body was a smoky gray and has a rat-like tail. The
small possum growled and hissed even louder.
Cloud: Good possum. I know you won't attack me so I'll be going now.
Possum: Hissss!
Cloud: Umm Barret, Vincent… help.
Possum: grrrr.
Cloud: Um somebody. I need help with the killer possum here!
The possum jumped on his face and attacked Cloud.
Cloud: AHHHHH! SHIT!!!!!
Possum: munch munch…
Cloud: Fuck it's trying to eat me!!!
Possum: scratch scratch…
Cloud: GET IT OFF!!!!
Possum: growl
Cloud: AHHH!!!
Barret heard screams coming from outside and looks out the window. He saw half
the body of Cloud being suspended in the air and the other half was covered by the trash
tank. Screams of pain and agony filled the air as the body was launched into the air.
Cloud crashed against the wall, but the possum suddenly vanished.
Barret: Yo Cloud what happened to you foo.
Cloud: Po..Po.. POSSUM!!!
Barret: What the $%^%#% happened to you?
Cloud: POSSUM!!!
Barret: #%$%^$ that #$%^& beeper is back!
Cloud: POSSUM!!!
Barret: Huh???
The possum broke through the window and grabbed Barret by the beard and dragged
him outside. Everyone watched in shock as a mysteries force was pulling Barret outside.
Barret: #$%^^&%$!!!
Cloud: Oh no the possum got Barret!!! Lucky me.
Barret: Die you #$%^&$%^&!!!
Yuffie: No don't kill it!!!
Barret: AND LET IT EAT ME!!!
Yuffie: You taste bad so it won't really eat you.
Barret: Why you little @#$%^&.
Cloud: RUN IT'S COMING BACK!!!
Barret: REEEAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
The possum ran to the front of the house saw Cid having a smoke. The possum
crawled towards the blond and tried to steal the cigarette from his hand.
Cid: What the #$%^& are you? #$%^& the beeper's back!
Zangan came back from his trip to Wutai after Sephiroth's attack on Nibelheim. The
possum lost his interest on Cid's cigarette and went after Zangan's red cape. The possum
attacked Zangan until he lay helpless on the ground from the possum's attack. Tifa
rushed out of her home and stood by her master's wounded side.
Tifa: Master, speak to me!
Zangan (weak voice): Tifa… I have taught you everything I know. Now you must go and
spread my teachings around the world.
Tifa: Are you okay master?
Zangan: Tifa I… I am…dying.
Tifa: But it's only a couple of scratches.
Zangan: Tifa, respect your old master's wishes. It may be hard, but you will live through
it.
Tifa: But you're nowhere near you're death.
Zangan: Tifa…please…remember…
Tifa (interrupts): Don't start with the Lion King.
Zangan:………. Party pooper……(death)
Clould: ….. someone pass me a stick.
Aeris: Here, you can use my staff.
Cloud: Good enough…..
Cloud starts poking Zangan's body to see if he was really dead.
Cloud: I think he is really dead..
Zangan: X_X
Tifa: Quick CPR!
Everyone took a few steps back away from Tifa and the not to sure dead Zangan.
Cloud: You're joking right?
Tifa: Hell no and besides you did it once before.
Cloud: And did you know what that got me?!
Barret: Is there going to be another flashback?
Cloud: Author flashback please.
Barret: Don't do it or I'll shoot you.
KT: I'm the author and so I can make you not shoot me.
Barret: Oh.
KT: Flashback coming up! Stay seated at all times and please keep your hands and feet
inside the ride at all times.
Barret: What is this some kind of #$%^ amusement park?
KT: You cuss too much.
Barret: So what's your #$%^& problem you little #$%^&.
Kt: You are a litt..uh big evil person and for your dirty mouth I will put a curse on you.
Barret: What the fuck are you going to do? Hey the beeper's gone.
KT: For now on when you cuss the beeper of hell will come and you will be the only
one who will be censored.
Barret: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo :cough cough: ooooooooooooooooooo.
KT: SHUT UP!!!!
Barret:…
KT: Okay bye bye.
KT jumps back out of computer screen and continues watching Barret.
Barret: Grrr that #$%^&*. Nooo.
Tifa: Who was she?
Cloud: She is heroine of hell.
Tifa: Why Hell?
Cloud: Because she made Barret shut up.
Tifa: But she only made him stop cussing.
Cloud: 99.9% OF ALL THE WORDS HE SAYS ARE CUSS WORDS!
Tifa: Oh.
Cloud: Okay she left me the manual. Let's see what it says… What the… are these baby
pictures? Aww is that Barre… man he's ugly.
Barret: I had #$%^& chickenpox! Damn you KKKKKKKTTTTTTTTT. (starts panting)
Cloud: Okay flashback time. Okay everyone repeat these words and do what I do.
Everyone: Okay.
Cloud: Blue's can do we can do (dddddddduuuuuuuuuwwwwww)
Everyone: 0_0*
Cloud mysteriously gets sucked into a picture with him doing CPR.
Tifa: Okay lets get this over with.
Cid: Hell no I'm not doing the dancing and singing shit!
Tifa: Do you want to stay with the possum instead?
Cid:…. Let's Go!!!
Possum: Hissss.
Cid: Everyone do the Blue!!!
Tifa: Hurry!
Everyone: Blue's can do we can do Vincent!!!!
Vincent (monotone): What?
Everyone: Hurry!!
Vincent: I'll just give the possum KFC.
Everyone: Whhhhaaaaaaaaattttttttttt. (ddddddduuuuuuuuwwwwww)
Vincent (monotone): Okay let's go, but don't eat the….too late.
The possum finished eating the picture and begged for more food.
Vincent: Now what? Marlene do you want draw?
Marlene: Kay. J
Marlene uses her magic crayons of Oz to recreate the picture of Cloud.
Marlene: All finished!
Vincent: Okay let's go. I'll take the chocobo instead. My driver's license expired
30 years ago.
Marlene: Let's take the shiny one.
Vincent, Marlene, and the possum left to KFC on the gold chocobo. Meanwhile
In the flashback…
Cloud: Okay everyone we're here.
Tifa: Oh my God he's about to do CPR.
Aeris: I can't watch!
Tifa and Aeris: No don't do it Cloud.
Cid: It's a flashback. It's too late.
In the flashback Cloud was doing CPR to Priscilla
Priscilla: bluahh
Cloud: gulp bluahhhhhh uhh bluuu. (passes out)
Later after Priscilla's rescue Cloud spent all day in the bathroom washing his mouth
with mouthwash and toothpaste, trying to remove the residue of the vomit.
Cloud: I'm never doing CPR again. I'll just let them die!
End of flashback.
Cloud: Ok lets go home, someone get the manual.
Tifa: What's inside that bag?
Cloud: Lets see…….. what the, it's a pair of red glass slippers.
Barret: What do you do with those?
Cloud: The manual says that the tallest person present must put it on, tap the heels of the
shoes together three times, and say there's no place like home three times.
Everyone, but Barret: ^_^ ohhhh Barret…
Barret: #$%^&*(*&^%$ you @#$%^&*(^%$#$ cause #$%^&$# I will #$%^%$ not ya
$%^&*(*^% HERE!!!
Everyone, but Barret (Flaming eyes): DO IT !!!!!!!!!!!
Barret: Gulp… pass me them shoes.
Tifa: Here you go.
Barret: Now how the @#$% do you put these @#$%^ shoes on.
Cloud: Just push your fat ass feet in.
Barret: What the @#$% you called me?
Glass slippers shatters.
Barret: HOLY @#$% MY @#$% FEET, SOMEONE HELP I'M @#$%^ BLEEDING.
THIS IS ALL YOUR FALT YOU SKINNY @#$%, @#$%^, @#$%^.
Cloud: Doesn't he realizes I'm over here, and that he is cussing at Mr. Dolphin.
Oh well let's do the blue.
Barret: WHAT???????
Tifa: SHITTTTT we forgot about Zangan.
Back in the real world.
Zangan (singing): Rubber ducky you're the one, you make bath time so much fun. To bad
a Wutaian girl stole you thinking you were a material.
Back in the flashback/picture world.
Yuffie: Here Mr. Dolphin you can have this rubber ducky I have. So forget what Barret
said to you. How did I got this again?
Cloud: Ok, lets go.
Everyone: Blue's can do we can do. (ddddduuuuuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeee).
Back at real world. The possum, Vincent, and Marlene return to find everyone
back from their flashback, but covered with crayon marks.
Tifa: I'm red!
Aeris: I'm a blond. How did this happened?
Cloud: I'm okay.
Aeris: No you're not a blond. You have brown hair.
Cloud: Nooooooo! Really?
Aeris: …
Zangan: Help me!
Possum: Hissss….
Zangan: Stay back!!!
Possum: Crunch crunch
Zangan: AHHHHHHHHHHH.
Tifa: Master!!
Zangan: Tifa forget about me. Save yourself!
Tifa: Okay sure. See ya.
Zangan: This is the last time I see one of those war movies.
Possum: Hehe
Zangan: NOOO! Stay away from me!
Possum: Crunch…
Zangan: AHHHH…
Tifa: Cloud do something.
Cloud: Sure I'll watch the leftover food.
Tifa: Cloud!!!
Cloud: Tifa watch out the possum is coming after you!
Tifa winced in fear as the possum ran towards her, baring his teeth at her. The
possum came closer to her, but jumped over her head and attack Cloud instead.
Cloud: AHHH! Vincent shoot it, shoot it!
Vincent: Stand back.
Yuffie: No!!! Don't shoot it!
BANG!!!
Cloud: Ahhhhhhhhh. ( X X )
Tifa: Ahhhh Cloud!!!
Vincent (Twitching): I….. I missed I……. never miss.
Yuffie: At least the possum was saved.
Cloud: I'm still alive but…….ahhhh.
Tifa: The possum!
Vincent: I'll get it this time.
Cloud: NOOOOOO
BANG (repeatedly)
Cloud laid silently on the ground. Everyone stood silent, not knowing what to do.
Cloud seemed to be dead, but he whispered his last words.
Cloud: The light. The angels have come to take me away. I can finally rest in peace…es.
Barret: Cid turn off that flashlight yo foo.
Tifa: Shut up Barret. Vincent, pass me a phoenix down.
Vincent: I missed again. I never missed before. Oh gods I'm finally losing it!
Tifa: You sad, sad man.
Vincent: Huh?
Tifa: I said pass me a phoenix down.
Vincent:….
Tifa: Vincent I'm waiting. Hurry before Cloud dies for good.
Cloud: X_X
Vincent: I…
Yuffie: Ahhh the possum just ate the phoenix downs.
Tifa: What!!!!
Vincent (monotone): The possum was hungry and I had nothing to give it.
Tifa (outraged): And so you gave it all of the phoenix downs!
Vincent (coolly): Yes.
Tifa: HOW COULD YOU!?
Vincent: Don't you have that life materia?
Tifa: Oops…I forgot about that. Hehe sorry.
Tifa revives Cloud, but nobody had a full-cure or any healing materia with them.
Cloud was rushed to the Mideel Clinic along with Barret who was bleeding from
unknown places. Yuffie suggested that his gunarm was leaking. Everyone waited
outside so that the doctors has enough space to do their jobs. Once the doctors were
done they were permitted inside. Inside the small room, small gifts and get well cards
were placed on a small table that the nurse has left behind. Yuffie had the possum on a
lease during their visit.
Yuffie: So Cloud, Barret, how are you two doing?
Cloud: Fine just please…keep the possum away for now.
Yuffie: Okay fine, but what are we going to do with the possum?
Cloud: I have an idea.
-Shinra Building
Secretary: Mr. President you received a package.
Rufus: From who?
Secretary: Don't know sir, there's no sender.
Rufus: Fine you may leave now.
Secretary: Thank you sir.
Rufus: Now lets see what we have here.
Rufus opens the package.
Rufus: Hmm What the. AHHHH!
Possum (jumps out of the box): Graaaaah!
Rufus: Someone call secrurity!
Possum: Munch Munch….
Rufus: CALL ANIMAL CONTROL INSTEAD!!!
________________________________________________________________________
Well that's it for chapter 2. We decided to use Crow T R0bot's idea about what to do with
Scarlet. We thought that it will be so funny and so we couldn't resist. If anyone has any
suggestions we'll be happy to hear them and maybe use them too. ^_^ Crow T R0bot will
receive special credit on the next chapter whenever it gets finished. Thanks!
