Something About Vegas
Reassurance
They finished eating, but since it was too early for bed no matter how tired he was, it left them with the rest of the evening to fill, the prospect of which left him uneasy.
"Want to watch TV?" he asked, desperate for something to distract him from thinking about her.
"Yeah, but I can't see the TV from my bed," she informed him.
"You can come over here, I'll stay on my side," he promised her. She climbed on the bed and scooted up next to him, leaning her head on his shoulder, an unexpected gesture which caused a shudder to run through his body.
A loud crack of thunder startled her. "Again?" she asked, her eyes seeking his.
"I guess so. It's a line of storms that are following the same path, one after another, just like a train passing through," he explained.
Flipping through the channels, they found a movie to watch, while outdoors the storm intensified. Flashes of lightning could be seen through the drapes and the thunder rumbled outside their room. The television screen became snowy, then lost the picture all together.
"Damn, I was getting into that," he remarked, "now we'll miss the ending." A lightning bolt hit and the resounding thunder was very close, causing the room to vibrate. Seconds later, the electricity went out and they were left in the dark.
"Tim," Calleigh yelped, clutching at his arm in the pitch black.
"Easy there, I'm right here," he reassured her, rubbing the hand that was clasping his arm. "Looks like the power went out. No back up generator I guess."
"Do you think it will be out long?" she asked, sounding worried, as the storm continued to rage outside.
"No way to know. What's wrong Cal, are you afraid of the dark?" he questioned, surprised she would be afraid of anything and certain she wouldn't admit to it if she were.
"Not afraid. I just don't like to be alone in it, " she clarified with a defiant attitude, causing him to choke back the chuckle trying to escape.
"It's OK. I'm not going to leave you," he whispered and felt her lean in closer to him.
"What about you?" she wanted to know. "Does the dark bother you or isn't there anything you're afraid of?"
"No, the dark doesn't bother me. Are you asking, am I afraid of anything, like spiders, snakes, that sort of thing?" He felt her head nod. "No, I guess not. I can't really think of anything."
"I suppose I'm not surprised," she paused before continuing, "you're a guy, you're from NY, you drive a motorcycle, which is like courting danger and you're probably fearless," she teased.
"Got it all figured out do ya?" he asked while chuckling. "For your information, I don't court danger and you should talk, you are one of the most fearless people I know. Sometimes you take risks at work that I wish you wouldn't. So who's the one courting danger? But don't worry, your secret about the dark is safe with me," he confided to her.
"Seriously Tim, I'm not the one who's fearless. You seemed to be the only one on that flight that wasn't scared," she remarked, her teasing tone replaced by one more solemn.
"It wasn't pleasant, but I didn't think anything bad would happen. I was probably more concerned about you, you looked a bit shaky," he told her honestly.
"It wasn't that I was scared, but I admit, when it felt like the plane was falling, I was a little frightened. It's just," she paused, "that I found myself thinking about the plane crashes we've investigated and I couldn't help wondering, if that's what it felt like for those people. That plummeting feeling, you know what I mean?" He nodded and squeezed her hand. She grew thoughtful. "So really Tim, there's nothing you're afraid of? Everyone's afraid of something."
"There are things I worry about, if that's what you mean. I worry about screwing up at work, you know, making the big mistake, the one that lets a killer go free and he kills again and it's my fault, because I screwed up. That worry has given me a few nightmares. And, I guess I worry about letting down the people I care about, not coming through for them," he revealed, his voice soft. He neglected to tell her that he now worried she would break his heart.
"I know what you mean about worrying about screwing up at work, I think we all do that, Horatio included. It's a big responsibility that we carry every day. But I don't ever worry about you making mistakes, you care too much to do anything less than your best, even if you like to pretend you don't. As for the other, I can't imagine you letting anyone down. You've come through for me, Tim." He exhaled heavily, touched by her comment and they were both quiet for a minute, lost in their thoughts. "I worry that I'm never going to be able to let go," she confessed, breaking the silence that had settled between them.
"What do you mean?" he asked, not understanding. She was silent while she thought, her body up against him, her arm wrapped around his.
"Sometimes I get so tired of always being in control, but I have to, it's the only way I have to protect myself," she paused, "and in the process, I've gotten good at shutting down the part of myself that feels." She sighed heavily. "The problem is that I have to let go of one, to have the other and I'm not sure that's something I can do. That probably makes no sense." He could hear the frustration in her voice and he knew that this admission didn't come easily.
"No, it does." He wondered if 'letting go' was what happened to her in Vegas. She allowed her control and her guard to drop, letting him in, but now she had to deal with the consequences of that action. Her first instinct was to protect herself and that was a concept he understood, all too well. "But, you have to ask yourself, is protecting yourself worth the price you pay by shutting yourself off from your feelings? Cal, I could never promise you that you'll never be hurt, having feelings always comes with a risk, but the end result can be worth it, I think. It's OK to let your guard down, to give yourself a break from always being in control. You might be pleasantly surprised. Have a little faith that you can open up your heart without losing yourself completely," he reassured her. He felt her take a deep shuddering breath.
"You make it sound so simple, but it's not simple or easy," she murmured.
"I'm the last person who would tell you it's easy or simple, or who should give you advice at all, but I can tell you that you're not alone, here in the dark, or figuring any of this out," he replied and squeezed her hand once more. They sat, side by side, neither talking, just listening to the storm for awhile. She was still leaning against him and he heard her yawn.
"Are you getting tired? Do you want to get some sleep now? You know you can stay over here with me, if you don't want to be alone in the other bed," he offered.
"I'm OK." She hesitated before going on, "I do want to stay here with you, but not because I don't want to be alone." She laid down on her side, facing him.
"That's good. I like having you here," he divulged and turned towards her, laying on his side, his head propped on his elbow. He reached over and gently caressed her cheek, then placed his hand lightly on her shoulder. She sighed deeply and he felt her body relax. This time her words and actions were giving him the same message; she trusted him and tonight, she was choosing to be with him. He drew his finger slowly down her bare arm feeling the goose bumps erupt on her skin. Very lightly, he placed his lips on hers and kissed her.
"You kissed me."
"Yeah, I did."
"Why?"
"Why?" he repeated.
"Why?" she asked again.
"I don't know. I just did."
"You don't know why?" she questioned.
"Because I didn't kiss you this morning," he took a deep breath and revealed.
"No, you didn't."
"But I wanted to," he informed her, "I wanted to all day."
"You wanted to," she repeated with a grin on her face.
"Yeah, I did. More then you realize. I think I'm going to kiss you again, if that's OK with you," he stated, while bringing his lips as close as he could without actually touching hers. "I'm waiting, you know, any time you want to give me an answer, because you're killing me here," he added when he heard her giggle.
"Well, I wouldn't want that to happen, so I guess you can kiss me all you want," she indulged him.
"Good answer," he said, before his lips claimed hers.
tbc
