Disclaimer: I in no way shape or form own any of the Phantom Of The Opera characters.

Explanation: This fic is what everyone is thinking but not saying in certain scenes of Phantom of the Opera. My brilliant Co-writer (Kat) and I (Michele) will be providing the commentary. Just a note: both of our commentaries are biased because Kat LOVES the Phantom and I don't.

Lets begin.

The Mirror

Christine- Hmm the angel sounds hot…I wonder if I could do him.

Kat- back off bitch he's mine.

Phantom- Raoul's not getting any unless I do!

Raoul- Oh my god! Someone's screwing Christine and it's not me! Why…oh god why?

Michele- Oh she's stepping through a two way mirror…no he's not looking through it when she's changing.

Kat- No! Quit it! You're making him perverted.

Christine- Let me make the neck of this nightgown a little lower so he can see down my shirt.

Phantom- That's right touch my hand…and whatever else you might find along the way.

Kat- Back away from the hot Phantom man!

Michele- We're sorry Kat's not here right now…she's umm…hurting.

Kat- Why…oh god why…it's my Phantom.

Christine- I feel feel woozy. I think I've been drugged.

Phantom- I hope she didn't notice the weird taste in her water from the sedative.

Christine- I'm just going to follow the strange man that looks at me through a weird two way mirror, through a hidden hallway that needs some decorating tips.

Phantom- I'm just going to keep staring at her menacingly while I take her to my lair where I can do obscene things to her.

Michele- and Kat's crying again.

Kat- I want to go on the small boat where he cant hide from me in the strange underground lair.

Christine- where did all this weird furniture come from?

Phantom- watch me as I look really sexy as I swish off my cloak…very dramatically.

Kat- You look hot anyway!

Michele- Kat! Stop you're drooling on the television.

The Music of The Night

Phantom- Let's see if I can make her more high with each word I say.

Christine- I'm getting sea sick in this boat so I'm just gonna let him help me up and then follow him like I'm having an orgasm and maybe he'll let me go.

Michele- You're having a perpetual orgasm.

Kat- Why cant I-

Michele- Don't finish that sentence.

Christine- He has little figures of me and the stage. Ok, not sure whether I find that flattering or creepy. And why cant I open my eyes all the way.

Phantom- Now I'm going to prance around my little piano thing, which I don't remember how I got it down here, and try to look sexier than I am.

Kat- That was a typo! He is sexy!

Michele- No it wasn't…let's keep going.

Phantom- I'm gonna raise the pitch of my voice to unstable levels.

Christine- Wow…how come I can't sing that high? Let me just close my eyes and picture my voice being that pretty.

Michele- Where is she going in this scene?

Kat- See…she's in her happy place. A place that (raising voice) better not be populated with perverted thoughts of MY phantom!

Phantom- Mmm…my voice is delicious. If you don't want to eat cake by the time I'm done singing then I haven't done my job as the sexy man in the mask.

Kat-There are a lot of things about you other than your voice that are delicious.

Michele- Kat!

Kat- What? It's true!

Christine- Wow he just got really close to my face…and now he's rubbing my stomach. He's really good with his hands…is Raoul that good with his hands?

Phantom- If I touch her stomach its not technically molesting her.

Kat- Yes it is…get away from her! Molest me!

Christine- Now he's walking me somewhere…still holding my hand…what does he think I'm a ninety year old woman that needs help crossing the street…and oh…there's at statue of me…wearing a wedding dress…umm…yeah I think that's borderline obsessive. Wow I think those drugs work a little too well. I think I'm gonna…

Faint

Kat- time to replace her with me.

Michele- Stop plotting.

Phantom- I'm gonna carry her into the swan bed that I hope to share with her one day even though its way to tiny. And stand really close to her face…do you think she'd notice if I stuck my tongue down her throat?

Kat- Yes! bad idea! Don't do it!

Michele- He can't hear you.

Kat- But….no, don't do iiiiiiiiit!

Phantom- Nahh…she's waking up…later…muuuuuch later. For now I shall hold this single note for way longer than my throat capacity allows and stare fascinatedly through the see through curtain.

Kat – If he can hold a note for that long imagine what he sounds like screaming….

Michele – That sounded just so wrong

Kat – grin Ohh yes

I Remember

Christine – Ohh my god….I'm sleeping in a swan…I feel drugged…ooh, misty laaaaake…why does my hair look like I just did someone?

Michele – Oooh, stupid giiiiirl

Kat – nodnod She doesn't deserve him, she doesn't know how to care for him, perhaps he should be handed over to someone more capable

Michele – Shut up shut up shut up shut up…

Christine – Ooh, look, it wasn't just a dream when I was incredibly high on the hormones and the smell of the hot man….and the hot man exists! Hah, score!

Phantom – I'm just so sexy. I can play the organ, I'm so proud of myself. I have half a brain…and other things.

Kat - Downs a can of coke and yells here here!

Christine- Huh…look he's wearing an angry mask. I wonder if he's angry under it.

Phantom- Oh…oh my god…she's touching my face…oh sweet god. Wait…no! don't touch the mask…touch something else…anything else…

Christine- Oh damn it! He wont let me see! Now I'm going to let this annoy me throughout the entire movie and explode at the end!

Kat- Why do you have to ruin my happiness? Why!

Phantom- Shit…hope she didn't see anything yet…it's not done healing from the plastic surgery…I wonder why it's so itchy? Anyway now I'm going to scream repeatedly at her and look really pissed but sexy at the same time.

Michele- No you-

Kat- Don't you dare finish that sentence.

Michele- Yes miss Kat.

Phantom- I have to bring her back so those idiots don't bring Carlotta back. Damn it…cant I keep her?

Christine- No…he wants to bring me back…umm…good or bad? But I didn't get to screw him yet! pout

Kat- Nooooo! It burns!

Michele- Let's review…the Phantom wants to get some before Raoul. Raoul isn't getting any…anytime soon and Christine just wants to get some. Period. Oh yes and the Phantom is a perverted old freak with a strange affinity for plastic surgery…maybe that's why he's attracted to Christine…hmm…I'll leave that to your imaginations.

Kat- He-ey! He's not that bad of a-

Michele: THAT'S IT, ENOUGH, SHUT UP!

Kat- meows But he isn't-

Michele: I said shut up!

Kat- meekly walks off to find her Phantom to huggle

Michele: Well, now that she's gone….the Phantom is a manwhore who has had tons of plastic surgery. He is a simple minded idiot who can't figure out whether or not he wants to screw Christine…but that's okay, because Kat's not here, so I can yell whatever I want about him! MANWHORE MANWHORE MANHWHORE! And he wants to molest about nine people and bang Christine just for the fact that he'll be able to brag about the fact that he banged Christine and he's a perv. An old perv. Kat's old perv.

Kat- You'll get it from me later when I'm done hunting down the old perv!

Michele- Sigh End chapter