I can't stop thinking about what happened, running over the events in my head. Peter hit me with his horse, so I couldn't ride. The next thing I knew, Claire was on Brave J, ready to go. She was afraid of jumps, but I didn't know she was pregnant. I would have fought her all the way if I had, probably would still have lost, but at least I would have tried. I should have gone to watch her, cheer her on...I don't know why I didn't. A rider came back, yelling that Claire was hurt. Terry helped me on a horse...the only thing I was thinking about was getting to Claire. She was on the ground when I got there, her eyes closed, blood everywhere, and so still I thought she was dead. I don't know why I flashed on Nick under the bull. The next thing I knew I was trying to kill Peter...I should have killed him. I haven't felt that helpless in years, that scared. I remember kneeling by her head, stroking her hair, and I remember Tess calling, as frightened as I was. She, Claire, and the medic were the only ones I was aware of...I didn't realize the whole town had come. They put her on oxygen and then on the stretcher and I was there when Tess said that Claire was pregnant. Pregnant. I was surprised that she didn't tell Peter the truth, but I covered for her, I told him the baby was mine. Tess probably knows the truth, but I don't care. Claire needed me and that was the only thing I could do to help her, that and drive to the hospital to go be with the girls. Tess walked after Peter, coming back minutes later, and rode with Claire, holding her hand. Dad, Terry, and Meg were the first ones to me: Terry offering to take care of Brave J, Meg frightened about Claire, and Dad offering to drive me or anything else Claire or I needed, a first for him, something that really surprised me and I know Claire will get a kick out of.
I wonder how Jack would have handled today, handled Peter. I wanted to kill him...I still want to kill him. If someone had told me when Claire and I went to the seminar that all this would be happening, I would have told them they were mad. Claire had hated Peter then, been angry at me for talking to him. Of course it didn't help that he thought we were married. So much has happened between then and now. Two relationships, a broken heart, nearly a broken friendship. We've both started to work for AB and both called it off. We started our own training program, Peter proposed to Claire to which she accepted and called off, and she's pregnant. That's only the things that had to do with Peter...not the robbery or Tess and Nick. No wonder she's looked so tired...no wonder I'm so confused. I can't believe this is happening, that Claire's hurt. I just got her back. Every week, she seems more like the Claire that we missed for so long. Now Peter took her away again.
I guess it's why these past two days have been so hard. Hardest of all was the possibility of losing Drover's Run. It's so strange. I don't feel a thing for Kilarney, where I was born and raised, worked most of my life, but I'm proud of Wilgul and I love Drover's almost as much as Claire and Tess do. Drover's is a sanctuary, where I don't have to be the failing son, the big brother...Claire and I are just together and it's great. I've always loved doing things with her, campouts, fox hunts, anything at all. I've almost lived there since Jack died, first as Tess's boyfriend, now as Claire's partner. It was where I got up the nerve to tell her I loved her. Of course, I was drunk and I let her think that was the reason I said what I did...partly because of Peter and Tess. Still, I do love her and seeing her go back to Peter almost killed me. So what did I do? I got mad at her, yelled at her, and told her we wouldn't be partners, wouldn't be mates, nothing, just neighbors. What if that was the last thing she ever heard me say? I'd never been so relieved when Peter said she'd changed her mind. He would have settled for that month with her. If I ever have my chance, I'd want more.
"McLeod, Claire McLeod," I tell the nurse, finally arriving.
"Right in there, sir," she points me to Claire's room.
I stand outside for awhile, afraid to go in, afraid to see her, and when I open the door and go in, I know why. She's so pale, so still, that I don't want to believe it's Claire. There are so many machines and she looks so terrible that I'm suddenly thankful I didn't go see Nick when we were younger. Claire's accident keeps reminding me of the rodeo. I came so close to losing Nick...I can't lose Claire.
"She settled in?" I finally find my voice to ask.
Tess nods. "She lost a lot of blood." I remember it gushing out of Claire. She was hurting so bad and I couldn't help her, just like when I couldn't help Nick. "Her leg's pretty bad. She'll be in here for months."
"She'll love that." I can picture her now...when she's more awake and we tell her she can't go home to the land she loves and fought so hard for. She'll kill Tess and me, then scare all the nurses away. I'll be here though...I'm not about to leave her.
"What about?" I nod my head, able to think about her being pregnant, but not able to actually say the word. I think again about how I found out and what Claire asked me to do. I know there'll be a lot of explaining to do, but I don't care. All that matters is Claire.
"She's still pregnant." I'm thankful for that. Claire wants a family; I'm not sure she could handle losing someone else she loves, especially if it's her first child.
I turn to go get some coffee for Tess; I know it's not the fancy type she usually likes, but she looks tired and Claire will need us later. "What did I miss?" Claire asks and I feel something pulling at my heart at just those four words. I turn, pulling a chair up where she can see me and know everything's okay.
"Claire...I got the letter. Look." Tess pulls Claire's missing letter out of her pocket and I suddenly realize what she and Peter were talking about. Claire can't even open her eyes, but I still know Claire realizes it's over, Drover's is safe. Still, something inside of me hurts so bad seeing her like this. I know she'll be okay, eventually, but, until today, I've never really thought of losing her. I've never been in love before, not even with Claudia or Tess, and that fact scares me as much as the sight of her so still, so quiet. I remember the day we decided to become partners, her smile, the light in her eyes, even the dirt fight. I watch her, wanting her to open her eyes, say something else, something that can make me believe that she'll be all right.
Tess and I both look as the door opens and Nick comes in. I didn't expect Nick to be here, but I'm not surprised. Claire's his mate too; she's the one he turned to when the mess with Dad got to be too much. She's there every time our family falls apart, to pick both of us up, try to help us. Sometimes I think she's really the only thing Nick and I have in common, Claire and growing up in that house. He talked me into starting the partnership with Claire and we've gotten to be better mates living apart than we ever were growing up brothers at Kilarney. He sits near the door, not talking, and I turn my attention back to Claire, brushing her hair gently with my fingers again. It's okay if Claire doesn't wake up right now, because she will, and we'll be right here waiting.
