A/N- Thanks for sticking with me! I am sticking with it, so please review and make me smile! And coming up, Suck and Blow, as suggested by Michellebelle. Minor slash, but it's all in fun, and it's just a joke (unless you want to take it otherwise if you like RL/SB, in which case be my guest because I might be tempted to too), so don't flame. Now, R/R!
"Oh, good job, Black. You and the werewolf just scarred my son for life with your sickening snog," Lucius said as soon as Draco and Pansy had left the room. Lupin rolled his eyes at Lucius' stupidity. "Yup, it was all our fault, I guess," Sirius said, pretending to feel guilty, "His leaving didn't have anything else to do with your practically mauling your wife, I suppose."
Lucius shook his head, giving Sirius the usual look of disgust he reserved only for Gryffindors. "If you wanna know what I think," Lupin began, but Cissa cut him off, saying, "Actually Remus, we'd prefer NOT to know what you think, as you have clearly lost your mind from that champagne."
Lupin ignored her comment, much to Sirius's glee. "Well if you wanna know what I think, I think our fake snog make Draco question his real sexuality," he said, doing an excellent impression of being serious, "So he had to run off before you two doing it ruined his sexy mental images of Sirius and me doing it."
It took all the self-control Lucius Malfoy had, in addition to his wife's hand on his arm, not slap Lupin across the face. If there was one thing that irritated him almost as much as people insinuating his lack of masculinity, it was people doing the same thing to his son, whom he prided as a remarkably good imitation of himself.
But before Lucius could make a retort, the whole group heard the familiar voice of Draco shouting angrily, and the approach of footsteps. "Stupid…effing…poltergeist!" Draco yelled, making a rude gesture at Peeves as he entered the Astronomy Tower again, Pansy on his arm, "Peeves won't let us leave. He sang a stupid song and chased us back in here. And for some reason, I don't have my wand, so I couldn't do anything about it!"
Sirius looked surprised. "Hey, I'm missing my wand too!" he said, sniggering, "Maybe they went off for a wild night together in the broom closet!" Lupin thought this was the funniest thing ever; Draco, however, looked unamused. "You are so drunk, Black," he drawled, shaking his head at Sirius's immaturity.
"And incidentally, everyone is missing their wand tonight, Professor hears-everything-and-won't-shut-up took them all away to appease stupid Sevvie," Lucius explained, sounding much stupider than he had intended to, probably as a result of the champagne. Sirius's eyes widened. The Malfoys and Pansy braced themselves for a stupid comment, and were not disappointed. "That explains a lot," Sirius said, and he and Lupin promptly burst into snickers.
"This is so unfair!" Draco couldn't stop himself from exclaiming as he caught a look at Pansy's dress, which was still resolutely on, and thanks to Peeves, would not be coming off any time soon. Lucius nodded, feeling his son's pain. This of course only made Draco more disgusted, but no one seemed to care.
"Hey, there are four corners, just go over there," Lupin suggested, pointing to a corner not occupied by Oliver and Katie or Lucius and Cissa, "We won't bother you, we've got plenty to entertain us." It seemed like with each passing minute, Draco wore a deeper look of disgust, this time at the thought of what Lupin and Sirius had to entertain themselves. But he had to admit that it wasn't a bad idea, and kind of the only thing he could do, seeing as Peeves had made it his mission not to let people leave the Astronomy Tower.
Giving Pansy a sideways glance, he saw her nod slightly. "Fine. We'll be over there. But Mum and Dad, you better keep whatever you're doing to yourself, I don't want to hear it. And Black and Lupin, if you come within five feet of us, I'll hex you out the window," he said before realizing that he didn't have a wand to enforce the threat with. "Well, I will once I get my wand back," he added. And with that, he stormed off to the vacant corner, Pansy following eagerly behind.
"It's so sexy the way he calls us Black and Lupin, ya know," Sirius sniggered, pretending to be turned on by Draco's tough talk. "No, you know what's sexy?" Lupin asked, a look of drunken enlightenment on his face, "Pretending to do it, and scaring the next person who comes into this room more than we scared Luscious Lucius."
"Moony, you continue to surprise me," Sirius said, eyes widening at his best friend's suggestion, "Just an hour ago you tell me that you don't want to drink champagne, and now here you are trying to seduce me into the most fabulous prank I'd say we've ever pulled. You are my hero, Remmie, my hero."
Drinking in the supposed brilliance of their plan, Sirius and Lupin were quiet for perhaps the first time that night. Oliver and Katie, Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy, and Draco and Pansy could not have enjoyed that minute and a half of silence more. Unfortunately for them, it didn't last long.
"I hear footsteps, Padfoot. High heels on the lady, I reckon. And she's gotta be walkin' with somebody, but I can't hear the guy walk. My money's on Sevvie and his lovely new lady, you think?" Lupin hypothesized, listening carefully to the footsteps that were now fast approaching. Sirius listened too.
"Ha, imagine the look on Snapey's face if he walked in on us like that," Sirius mused happily, "Let's do it, Remmie!" Without waiting for the go-ahead from the now only slightly more mature one, Sirius pounced on him, pushing Lupin down to the ground under him. Shocked but incredibly amused, Lupin started snogging him, and Sirius pretended to struggle to remove his boxers just as the curtain to the Astronomy Tower slid open.
"Sirius Black, don't you dare pull those boxers down another inch! I have already seen quite enough of you tonight, and I'd rather not add your arse to the list, understand! Now get up, right now, and if I find a student under you, you will be out of this school faster than a Firebolt flies!" Sirius heard a voice yell, sounded particularly angry with him. Much to his dismay, it did not sound like Severus Snape, nor did it sound like his 'soul mate' Professor Sinistra.
Deciding, as only Sirius would, that it would be better to ignore whoever it was than try and talk his way out of it, he continued to snog Lupin senseless. "NOW!" the voice screamed, and this time, Sirius recognized the voice. "Professor McGonagall?" Sirius gulped, standing up to find Gryffindor's Head of House standing over him, looking murderous, as just over her shoulder Albus Dumbledore stood, looking politely puzzled, a look that had long served him in hiding an outbreak of sniggering.
"Hello, Minerva," Lupin weakly greeted his colleague, suddenly wishing that he were much more drunk than he now felt. "Remus Lupin! Oh my heavens, this is ridiculous!" Professor McGonagall stammered, clearly shocked beyond reason. "Well, at least it wasn't a student," Dumbledore supplied, wearing a bemused grin that did nothing to aid McGonagall's shock.
"Right," McGonagall admitted faintly, "Um, Headmaster, what in the world are we to do?" Dumbledore patted her on the shoulder. "Professor McGonagall, calm down. It is not as though we are facing Lord Voldemort at the height of his powers. We have simply caught Sirius and Professor Lupin in a compromising situation. I think we should at least let them explain themselves."
Lupin nodded hopefully. Sirius did the same, though he looked slightly cockier and more amused with himself than hopeful. "Well?" Dumbledore prompted them. Lupin seemed too embarrassed to answer, so Sirius took it upon himself to do the job.
"We were trying to pull off the ultimate prank, Headmaster," he said proudly, "And we thought that you and McGonagall were Snape and Sinistra. So the obvious solution seemed to be, since we were up here and all, to freak Snape out by making him think that what wasn't going on, well, was going on. You know what I mean?"
Dumbledore nodded for him to continue, and McGonagall raised her eyebrows. "No, I don't. Go on," she said, wondering if she really did want them to go on. "Well see, I had this brilliant idea to strip down because it was hot in the Great Hall, which worked out because it helped us play a killer prank on Lucius. So then we came up here and freaked out Lucius, and then we freaked out Malfoy, and then you two came up here, and you weren't Snape! But it was still a kick-ass prank."
"Well I would expect as much from you, Sirius. But Remus? What in the world made you go along with this?" McGonagall asked, finding it hard to believe that, though Sirius and Lupin were best friends, that Lupin would go along such a ludicrous prank. "I…um…" Lupin struggled to explain what had made him to what he did, and found that he wasn't quite sure.
"He…well he…and I…" Sirius began, then paused. He could have snitched on Fred and George, because he had figured out when Lupin had had him taste the champagne that they had spiked it. But that would be like treason, snitching on two fabulous pranksters after his own heart. Besides, he didn't want to make it look like Lupin had been drinking a lot, or like he didn't do anything to stop him. So he did the only other thing he could think to do under the circumstances.
"The fact of the matter is," Sirius began, a roguish smirk already playing his lips, "Remmie and I were just so incredibly attracted to each other that we couldn't take it anymore and being in our boxers already, we decided there was nothing else to do but have hot, passionate, wild sex on this well-loved Astronomy Tower floor and satisfy our long-suppressed urges for each other. And here we are."
"WHAT?" asked the shocked voice of Harry Potter from the floor, and he and Ginny looked up at raven-haired prankster and their DADA professor. They had been on their way into the Astronomy Tower for a rendezvous of their own when they had heard McGonagall yelling and stopped short of the door. But since then, they had been pressed against the curtain listening, and had fallen right through out of sheer surprise when they had heard Sirius's story.
"I couldn't have said it any better, Potter. WHAT?" McGonagall echoed, looking thoroughly scandalized now. Dumbledore was doing his best to put on a stern and disapproving look, but he couldn't help laughing at Sirius's outrageous explanation. Remus looked at Sirius questioningly. "Yes Sirius, what are you on about?" he asked, sounding not quite, but almost as shocked as Harry and McGonagall.
"Ah, don't act so innocent, Remmie, we've been caught. That's right everyone, we're actually sober and hot for each other!" Sirius yelled, sniggering. McGonagall, conservative and strict, seemed speechless. Ginny was more red than Harry had ever seen even Ron. Her cheeks were a perfect match for her flaming red hair. Dumbledore still seemed unfazed, with a twinkle in his eye. Harry, though embarrassed, was not beyond words.
"You're kidding right?" he asked his godfather, meeting his glittering eyes and starting to snigger himself. Sirius shook his head, barely able to keep a straight face. "No, I'm Sirius," he grinned, using what was probably his most overused joke.
"Well, either he's serious or they're both seriously drunk," Professor Dumbledore acknowledged, speaking for the first time with a mischievous shine in his eyes all too reminiscent of the one Sirius was wearing, "But I was under the impression that Remus was too responsible to let himself get drunk, or so he assured me upon taking back his job. Care to fill me in, Remus?"
Before Lupin could say anything, Sirius whispered in his ear that Fred, George, Angelina, and Alicia had spiked the punch. It was only fair to give him the option of telling the truth about what had made him come up to the Astronomy Tower. But Sirius knew Remmie well enough to know that he wouldn't snitch on the Weasley twins. He had never told on him and James through all their pranks, and he wouldn't turn in two pranksters like themselves.
Taking a big gulp of air and trying to give himself the nerve to say something, Lupin did what he knew was right. "Well look at the man, Headmaster! If you knew him like I knew him, you wouldn't be able to keep your hands off him either!" He immediately wished he hadn't covered for everyone as his face changed color to match Ginny's.
"Sirius, is this the explanation for those noises I heard from your room when I was staying with you all over the summer?" Harry asked tentatively, amazed and amused by this declaration of love (or lust, or complete BS, he hadn't made up his mind as to which he thought it was yet). "Oh, that," Sirius snickered, shooting Lupin a look, "You weren't supposed to hear those, mate. I always knew I was useless at Silencing Charms. But, no, Harry, those weren't anything to do with this. You're, erm, too young for that story just now, I think."
"OKAY THEN!" Professor McGonagall said, no longer able to contain herself, "That is quite enough! I am going back to the Great Hall, with the hope that there is some sanity left in this castle!" Shooting Sirius and Lupin an appalled look, she marched out of the room, muttering about how some people never change. "Oh dear, I better go after her. Carry on!" Dumbledore smiled, following Professor McGonagall out of the room.
Once Sirius determined that the two older professors were a safe distance down the hall, he turned to Lupin and winked. Then, seeing the looks of confusion still on Harry's and Ginny's faces, he explained, "Just kidding, mates. Best prank ever, you think? Even I didn't see it coming!"
Harry nodded uncertainly, still not sure what to make of Sirius and Lupin. He couldn't help thinking that they were awfully close as far as best friends went. Then again, so were he and Ron, and he wasn't snogging him on off hours. But judging from the way Sirius was doubled over with laughter, and even Professor Lupin was sniggering away, it really had been an unplanned and fabulous prank. Even so, the silence was awkward to break.
"So, anyone up for a game of Suck and Blow?" Ginny asked in a well-done attempt to break the silence. "Hell yes!" Draco shouted from where he and Pansy had been snogging the corner. Amazed at how well her suggestion had gone over, if even Draco was volunteering, Ginny pulled an Ace of Hearts out of her bra, leaving Harry to look shocked and impressed.
She, Harry, Sirius, Lupin, Draco, Pansy, and even Oliver, Katie, Lucius and Cissa formed a circle in the middle of the room. It was a lot easier to have everyone together in the Astronomy Tower, rather than each couple trying to keep their various activities to themselves, or out in the open, as seemed to be the case with Sirius and Lupin. It was going to be an interesting game.
