August 30, 2005
It kills me to be putting my memories in a box. I don't want them there. I don't want only memories, but in reality, that's all I have left. And it's all I will ever have.
But what do I do with the ones that are too big for the box? Some of the stuff he's given me won't fit. And I can't very well just cut off a piece of my skin and put it in there too.
And then there's all the stuff I should have never given back.
God, it just hurts so much. Each and every day is unbearable and I can't believe I make it to bed each night and still wake up.
Tonight, while I was driving home, I wondered what would happen if I were to drive off the bridge? Or maybe crash into the guardrail?
But I know what would happen. Especially in the latter. I'd survive that one for sure. And look like an idiot. And the former I'd regret and I probably wouldn't be able to change it. And then things would be worse than before and I'd hurt the people I love.
And I refuse to follow in his footsteps.
That's why I only wonder. I'm so much more than that. So much more than he is… now.
So tonight, I'm here… going through boxes I packed before all this. And I'm going to have to find a way to clean out all of the crevices of my life that soaked up our love to be able to get over him.
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
9:40:38PM PST
Feeling Quiet
Hearing Reel Big Fish
Lost
I don't know what's going on in my life anymore. My mom never seems to want to try and get along with me anymore. She used to try and talk after our big fights and we would say sorry and have a good cry, and be okay. Now it's like she doesn't even care. If the dished aren't done, the house is messy, or whatever…I get yelled at. I go out to get away from everything and then things just get worse. I'm not spending enough time on scholarships. I'm not doing… everything. Newsflash. I can't. I can't even deal with my own life without feel like I am going to break. Probably the only good thing that happened today was that someone imed me online and ended up sending me pics of my little sister, smiling. But even that just makes me miss her more. The tears are running down my cheeks again. Why do I always cry? Maybe it's because everything happens at once. My friends are confusing me so much, and I'm surprised about who cares enough to notice that something is wrong. Like Molly… god, she is such a sweetheart. It's so nice to know that she cares. Other people… just live their own lives. Oh well, what can I do? So yea……… god, how many of those can I write? Let's not find out. I don't even want to say the other things on my mind. Every time I say it, it just becomes more final. It's like… I know what I have to do in order not to lose myself… but I don't want to hurt anyone. I can't stop it though… it's going to happen. I know it and that's why I'm so upset. It's like… I don't want to talk to anyone because no one can say anything to take away all the pain I know I am going to cause. Figured it out yet? Took me a long time and I was inside my head. And I still have homework to do and things to think about. God… I don't know what to do. Tomorrow is going to suck. And I have for get through the next few days… essentially alone. "This one's for all the suckers who still believe in love, this one's for you." That's the line that's been stuck in my head all day…. I love Reel Big Fish for putting thoughts into words. Any thoughts that take my mind off of things for even a second is good. I don't know how to do what I need to. And god, I can't say it again. I have to go… nothing can make me feel better. Nothing I know about anyways. G2g. Can't take this. Bye.
Thursday, February 12, 2004
11:08:50PM PST
Feeling Frustrated
A day off
So I finally stayed home and got a day off of school. And I spent the whole time til they left awake cause every few minutes my mom would come in and yell at me for some reason or another. Said we were going to have a talk when she got home and that I wasn't allowed to do anything- not even visit Lita for her birthday- today. Whatever. Can't take it, god. So yea. I got up at like 11:30am and ate. Watched a little TV and Finding Nemo while I worked on Lita's present. Got the final touches down. And then started on another part of it… the card. Lol… I stole a bit of the idea from KJ. Sorry girl, love you, it was just that great! And I worked on English… not math, haven't done math in a while… don't know why, just haven't. And I took another nap. God, still so tired. And then I called Lita to wish her a happy birthday and talked for a little while. After, I cleaned up… washed dishes and all that crap. Listened to all of my music, hella loud. Then house was vibrating with bass. Haha, good stuff. Mom came home, did some stuff, picked up Lauren and all that and still "talked" to me. It was her yelling, tell me I was screwing p my life. Whatever. I stayed quiet, cause I am not going to say anything to hurt her… I'm not mean like that. Cried some more… just when I thought I didn't have that many more tears. Guess that is never the case. Dealt with that for a while. Then worked on Lita's stuff. Seiya called… told him I had homework to do online, which was true. Tried unsuccessfully not to think of him all day. I don't want to hurt him, cause I still care about him. I just can't be a couple with anyone right now, there is too much going on. Mom still doesn't know about that. How would she… all she care about are scholarships. Whatever. And she's threatening to take the internet away from me. My sanity. I have to go no. Bye.
School came the next morning and reminded me it was the last day of school before Valentine's Day. All my stress had caused me to forget about my favorite holiday. I had nothing, for no one, when I usually carried around a fairly large bad stuffed with gifts. I had never had a Valentine, but that didn't matter. I knew someday, I would. And that one guy would make it all worth it.
Friday, February 13, 2004, around 7pm or so…
Mina got to my house and we got into her car. She was driving me to Seiya's house, since I hadn't been able to go the night before. My mom didn't want to understand why I truly needed a day off of school, so I didn't tell her. But it's not an easy thing to decide to break up with your boyfriend of seven and a half months. Especially when it's not because anything really was really going wrong, but simply because not enough felt right.
Mina parked her car across the street from his house and I took a deep breath as she whispered me encouragement. He knew I was on my way, but it still took me a long time to get out of the car.
I walked slowly, as slowly as I could manage to his house. My hand dragged as I raised it to knock on the door.
He came outside at my request. My eyes started tearing before I could even get the words out. I didn't want to do this, but it didn't change the fact that I had to.
I said I was sorry. I said I wasn't sure. I needed time to think, to be myself. I wanted to find out who I was. I told him a little bit about the stuff with my mom. I'd later find out that was a mistake. I told him I had to think. And that I couldn't think with him around. I had to be by myself. I'm sorry. I told him I still cared about him.
He cried with me, but for a different reason. He broke his silence to tell me he didn't want to lose me.
I tried to leave. "I just love you so much," he said.
It was the first time he'd ever said that to me. And the only time he ever would.
I left, crying all the way back to Mina's car. I had let him kiss me one last time, as a comfort to him. I shouldn't have let that happen. I didn't want it. Nor did I want to lead him on. We drove away.
We got to the bowling alley in more time than it would usually take. Mina's great and took the long way so that I could compose myself. I had an act to get ready.
I was devastated when Lita was obviously buzzed. She knew what was going on with me and I had hoped she would be there for me. I really wanted to talk.
Still, I gave her the card, as we ran into mine and Mina's friend Erica.
I left Lita at the bowling alley for a little bit as the three of us went to the Nugget, a grocery store that my friend worked at, to give him his sunglasses back that I had stolen earlier that day. I convinced him to stop by after he got off work.
We ran back into Lita outside the bowling alley and headed back inside to wait for the boys.
It was only about half an hour before the two walked in. Darien was toting a card addressed to Batman, a daffodil, and Batman socks, while Andrew held his own card and a few flowers. Darien gave me my gift as Andrew presented Lita with hers. I held them with me all night, but refused to open the card while we were there. I was startled by the hearts on the card from the boy who Lita had confidently told me just wanted to "fuck" me.
Darien, for the first time since I had met him, was extremely quiet. I was disappointed, because I had wanted Mina and Frank, my friend from the Nugget, to meet him, and they didn't get to see the regular guy who cracked hilarious jokes all the time.
Erica left first, followed by Mina and Frank. I was sad to see them go, but I also hoped Darien would be his normal, loud self. I was disappointed once again as he remained mostly silent and almost somber throughout the whole night.
I left around midnight and got home not long after. I tried on the socks, and they didn't fit. I checked and there were little kids socks. I hung them up on my wall with a tack- I was NOT about to let a present go to waste.
Then I looked to the card. I had avoided opening it but as the socks were hung and the flower in water… I couldn't. I looked at the envelope, the name Batman surrounded by the Batman logo in an oval, with little hearts in the head, tail, and wings of Batman, all done in sharpie. On the sealed side was a little rose, pre-bloom, at the bottom. Above that was a strange heart. It had a triangle, with one point at the dip in the heart and the others extending outside the heart, but above the bottom of it. I was intrigued as I used a knife to cut open the top in order not to ruin it.
The front of the card simply said, "Happy Valentine's Day" with the picture of a chocolate heart in a small red cupcake wrapper and pink toned backgrounds. The inside of the card itself read "Hope it's especially sweet." The back had a drawing of the bat signal and the words, "I'm callin' ya!" added on.
But what stopped me more was the words that still smelled of sharpie written by him inside. The words filled the entire card:
"Bet you never saw this coming didya? Yea, I know it's insanely corny. But I had to. I was wondering if you would like to be my valentine. (sounds like I'm 10!) I'm asking you early because on Valentine's Day I would probably back out, on account of me hidden shyness. So I hope you like the gift, I went through hell to find something for you. And this was my only priority for the past week. So happy v-day and I send hugs and kisses… (so so corny) xoxoxoxxx ;p Hope you have a good one. And as always much love from me… Darien (joker) 3 3 3 (I fell all warm inside)"
So here you go. There's the next chapter. I had planned to get it out tonight since last night, I think. It just took me getting home and awake long enough to get it. I hope you like it and that it doesn't confuse you. Those are actual journal entries of mine, that I thought would best give you my frame of mind.
I thought you should know. Serena is 17 and finishing up her last semester of high school. Great student, also an athlete. The other characters will also not embody the ones you've learned to know in the show. Sorry about that, but it fits for my story. If it bugs you that much, I suggest you fnd another story.
KiwiKol , thank you for your review. Thanks for the encouragement. The focus of the story will be clear shortly, if not already, and it won't be a fictional character. I wish I could speed up the pace to all the romance and what not, but it just wouldn't fit. Don't worry though, it should start in one of the next three chapters, I'm almost positive. :)
As always, all feedback welcome.
