"Away From Me"
I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll
I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds
But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to
Lost all faith in the things I have achieved
And I
CHORUS:
I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created
I'm longing to be lost in you
(away from this place I have made)
Won't you take me away from me
Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins
I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed
I can't go on like this
I loathe all I've become
Chorus
Lost in a dying world I reach for something more
I have grown so weary of this lie I live
Chorus
-Evanescence
Harry watched them with calculating eyes as they finished exchanging farewells. He had listened intently and carefully factored every piece of information into his schemes. 'Malfoy thinks they're safe now, if he only knew…' Harry smirked inwardly as he said "Good night," to Dumbledore and flooed home to Pansy.
Chapter Three
Part One: Revelations
Harry exited the fireplace dusting the soot from his robes as he stepped into his office.
"It's about time you got here! Where the hell have you been?" Pansy asked, immediately attacking Harry in her shrill, accusatory tone.
"Relax, will you? I was seeing to some business, and I'm rather tired. So if you'll excuse me…" Harry stated bluntly, not wanting to deal with his bitch of a wife that evening. He pushed past her, not even making eye contact as he walked through the door and slammed it angrily behind him.
He heard the door open quietly behind him as stealthy footsteps followed his path. "Would you give it a rest Parkinson?" he barked. "Why can't you understand that I don't want to talk to you right now?" Harry slowly enunciated every syllable, clearly emphasising his point.
"How do you expect me to 'give it a rest' when we could go to Azkaban for what we're doing here?" Pansy screamed back at him.
Harry and Pansy's marriage has never been an ideal one, but at least they used to talk to each other, and kept the other company. However, Harry had isolated himself from everyone including Pansy and Lucius unless he had to divulge some important information about the ludicrous scheme he had spent the last few years of his life perfecting.
Unbeknownst to Pansy, Harry had been trying to fade the plan out of his life. When Lucius escaped from Azkaban he had had no choice but to continue meticulously spinning his web of lies and deceit, undermining every relationship he had ever built.
Harry continued to walk down the long, dimly lit corridor until he suddenly could no longer ignore Pansy; he walked into the nearest room and slammed the door behind him. In the echoing silence, Harry found that he was finally able to hide from the world outside of that room, but he could no longer endure the thoughts in his tormented mind. Weakness overpowered him and he leaned against the large wooden door trying to gain his balance. But his legs grew weak against his emotional onslaught, so he slid to the floor, hugging his knees as his thoughts consumed him.
'What am I doing? I can't go through with this. Ginny's my best mate's little sister for Merlin's sake!' Every damning thought that Harry had forced to the back of his mind for all of these years suddenly came rushing back to him. 'All that family had ever done for me is love and support me, and now I betray them like this…'
When Harry had entered Hogwart's in his first year, he was famous – every other witch and wizard knew more about his life than he did. Since that year, the weight of the Wizarding World was always on his shoulders, and he was forced into a role that was determined for him by his fellow witches and wizards. Eventually, he'd become overwhelmed by the entire situation; after some introspection, he had to force himself to think of his own life for a change when he suddenly realized that he no longer knew who he was. Harry's motives soon became selfish, and engulfed his desire to help the Wizarding World. He'd even gone so far as to devise this dangerous plan with Lucius Malfoy, one of his fiercest enemies, just to ensure his happiness.
And now where had that foolish and inane desire gotten him? Absolutely nowhere… His craving for conformity had overshadowed every aspect of Harry's life; as each detail meticulously wove itself into his mind another one of his dreams had shattered. Now Harry sat confused, desperate, and frightened, locked in a room, cowering like a tiny child during a thunderstorm.
After the final battle and Voldemort's death, Harry had finally been freed of his burdens and became a celebrated hero. That night, after the battle was over, he'd realized the danger he'd put himself into because of his obsession for revenge, and not his lovefor Ginny and had driven him to insanity. He'd been guilty and ashamed, wanting to end it all. However, the plot developed and became ever more intricate beyond Harry's control.
He'd married Pansy after the battle, mostly to spite their families and friends, not to mention the fun they had in bed. Harry had found it odd how Pansy had suddenly shown an interest in him during their last few months of school. Yet he never questioned her intentions, as he found this unimportant. Instead, Harry found that he actually had many things in common with Pansy and that she was the first person he had ever met that truly understood him.
Throughout his entire Hogwart's career, Harry had strived to be different – he didn't want to be the archetype hero, he wanted something new, something so unlike the Harry Potter everyone knew and admired. This had driven him to Pansy, and as the future became the present Harry found himself unexpectedly falling for her…
His doom was now compounded by Lucius's escape from Azkaban. Even though he was a known criminal, Malfoy was still as powerful as he had been when Voldemort was alive. And even to the extent that Harry hated himself for formulating his treachery, he still valued his life. Harry knew that if he turned his back on Lucius now, his life would be forfeit.
Yet, that knowledge didn't stop Harry from looking for a way to extract himself from this plot, with his life and well-being still intact.
Unbeknownst to Harry, Pansy was standing in the hallway outside of Harry's temporary solace, willing herself into composure as she stared at the wooden door. Pansy's own childhood was as complicated as Harry's. Her parents were both Death Eaters, serving the Dark Lord and grooming her to follow in their footsteps. She had thought that she would have a chance at some happiness when she got her letter from Hogwart's, but even there she had been exploited and deceived by her Slytherin 'friends.' Finally, her defences broke down, and she learned to adapt to their ways to survive, just as she had done with enduring her neglected and cruel childhood.
Finally, the moment came when the Parkinsons decided that Pansy was ready to join Voldemort's followers. But she couldn't do it – she wanted more for herself and her future. She wanted to marry someone who would actually love her and have a happy home, caring for her children as they grew up. She could still remember the day she decided on her course of action...
After what seemed like ages of anxious thought, Pansy snorted at herself for actions. As she settled into her bed, she'd been hit with the fact that her dream was very Gryffindor in nature. In fact, she wouldn't have been surprised if every Gryffindor lived in that kind of happiness. So, that meant that the perfect husband to make her plan work would have to be a Gryffindor. She stared at the green canopy overhead, musing over all the boys in her year that were Gryffindors. The only one she could think of that would be worth her attention was Potter, but he would definitely be a challenge.
She sat up abruptly in bed, finding the idea of a challenge enticing. Besides, it would shock her parents exceedingly, and she was more than happy to oblige. It would be tricky and she would have to use every Slytherin tactic that she'd ever learned, but if the outcome was what she wanted, then it was worth the effort. Grabbing her wand, she whispered Lumos and searched for her journal. Once she'd found it, she took out a quill and began to detail her thoughts:
Harry Potter has saved the world from Voldemort time and time again – no one woulddare force me into the Dark Lord's inner circle for fear of Potter's power. More importantly, Potter has never had a real family of his own, so of course he will want a big family as soon as he graduates from Hogwart's. He's rich. He is one of the best Quidditch player's Hogwart's has ever seen – although as a Slytherin I will never admit such things in public. Oh, and of course I can't forget the rumours I've heard about Potter's performance off the Quidditch field.
Pansy smirked at that last bit, but if the rumours were true... then this plan would be more than adequate to fulfill Pansy's ideals. Feeling triumphant, she closed her journal and hexed it against prying eyes. Whispering Nox, she fell asleep to dreams of a boy with messy black hair and piercing green eyes.
Pansy leaned her forehead against the door, resting her hand against the rough grain of the wood as she lost herself in her memories. The day after her epiphany, she'd proceeded to put her plan into action, and had never regretted it. Surprisingly, Harry had reciprocated her flirting easily, and they were eventually very happy together. She would have never admitted it, but his good looks and charm quickly won her over, and she found herself falling in love with him.
They'd been happy for a while when they got married, but eventually the situation had escalated into something far more severe. Now Pansy was stuck in a marriage with someone who hated her, when all she had ever wanted was for one person to love her; she had always hoped that one day Harry might actually fall in love with her, but his mind was constantly focused on that Weasley bint. His ridiculous scheme had blinded him from everything in his life, including Pansy.
Now that Pansy was nearly arse over elbow for him, she was even more hurt by his reticence and bitterness. There was a time that Harry would have come home through the Floo and gone straight to her, stroking her hair back as he kissed her in welcome. Once, he would have sought her out if he'd been upset, and released all of his worries unto her. He may not have loved her, but he was far more affectionate and open than he was now. Now all she had left was his silence and her loneliness.
Pansy ran her fingers down the wooden door, wishing that Harry would just let her see him. Gathering up all the courage and frustration within her, she said, "Harry. I know you don't want to talk right now and that's all right, but I just want you to know I'm not trying to be pushy…"
Silence met her from the other side of the door, and Pansy found it difficult to continue. However, she forced herself to say, "I just want to help in any way I can, anything to avoid you getting caught…" The volume of her voice increased, for she wasn't sure if he could even hear her through the heavy door, but she carried on, "Just know that I care for you and I would hate to see something terrible happen to you-"
Pansy's voice broke off as her thoughts turned to the possible fateful scenarios Harry might encounter in the near future if he proceeded. She shook her head clear and stuttered, "I– I... " She was frightened to voice her true feelings, but she knew she had to. "I love you Harry. I only want what's best... for you," she finished with a whisper.
Shivering at her honesty, Pansy backed away from the door and waited for a response. Yet, Harry never made a sound, not even to show that he'd been listening. Disheartened, she slowly made her way down the hall, wrapping her arms around herself for comfort.
In all the years that they had been together, that was the first time she had ever admitted to Harry that she loved him. And all she had gotten for her efforts was silence.
Harry was speechless at Pansy's concern, but his mind had literally turned off when she admitted that she loved him. Because of his shock, he hadn't said anything in response. Once he heard Pansy's retreating footsteps, however, he realized the gravity of the situation.
If she really loved him like he loved her, was it worth the risk to continue on this deadly course?
