Author's Note: I hope everyone is doing well...I apologize to the trama created from the last chapter...but, none the less... Even though we have lost someone very dear to us, I hope that you all will have enough faith in me to trust that everything happens for a reason in this story...and so, I give to you the next chapter. (Sorry if it is slightly on the depressing side...but, just wait it out...) I will be leaving Friday and wont be back until the next Wed, but I hope to get up another chapter after this before I leave...
Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
What is hell? Is it a state in which your soul lives once your mortal heart ceases to beat? Or is it nothing but a place that we all imagine as our worst nightmares, to stop us from doing what we know is wrong? Well, whatever hell truly is, there is no doubt that I was living in it. As I rode Erik's stallion over the French countryside, I saw Erik die over and over again in my mind's eye. Him removing the mask, the look on his face as I swore my love to him, the floor crumbling, the flames consuming him, and only the smoke emerging from the house's fiery depths.
All tears had long since been dried from my cheeks and try as I might, I could not will myself to cry more. It wasn't real to me, none of it was; I am simply a homeless beggar being arrested for stealing bread from the baker. I have never been saved by a masked man who lived the shadows of a stable, my husband had never found me, he had never beaten me to near death, and I never killed anyone in my life…At least, that's how I wanted it to be. For if I was only being arrested for stealing, that would mean that I never fell for "The Phantom of the Opera", we had never been married and he had never died for me; and by telling myself that all that was true, I wouldn't be in as much pain. I had begun to think that if I just believed in my comforting lies, long and hard enough, they would be real. The only thing that kept me from becoming lost in my own deceit, was the solid creature that was carrying me.
Below me the black stallion, who Erik had occasionally called O.G., was tearing across the open fields, carrying us both towards Paris. I allowed my mind to wonder, hoping that while drifting, it might find some hope in the pit of my existence. What is it that makes him run so fervently? Is he eagerly flying into his uncertain future or is he fleeing in fear of his past? But then again, perhaps horses aren't as complicated creatures as humans…perhaps they don't attach places with memories from their past… and maybe the only memories that remain with them are happy ones… and all the bad memoirs, that should remain with them, are washed away by the blowing wind. Why else would he run like the devil himself was chasing him?… Has anyone ever seen a horse die of despair? What I wouldn't give to be a horse!
I reached down and stroked the horse's smooth and solid neck with the palm of my hand. His fur was as silky and reminded me so much of velvet. Images of wine colored velvet blankets surrounding Erik and I flooded my mind before I could prepare myself for the emotions they brought with them. I shook my head and unintentionally kicked the horse with the side of my foot, a little to hard. He stopped, reared up and let out a whinny that sounded more like a long mournful wail. What if he fell, landed on top of me, and crushed me to death? Inwardly, I dared him to fall. This horse is the perfect disguise for the angel of death, himself; a black, powerful creature, that seemed to have it's own pair of wings. Angel of Death, bring me to my rightful angel! Bring me to my love! I managed to stay on him, but my grip was beginning to falter. Just as I was beginning to be able to see how my own death would play out, he suddenly was on all fours once again. He turned his head to look at me and I gasped softly as our eyes caught. He was looking at me with understanding and remorse, a look I hadn't seen from anyone, save Erik, after my parents had died. It was then that I knew it. This creature was as much a part of Erik as I was; And for that, I loved him.
We reached the center of Paris all too quickly. A pair of hands wrapped themselves about my waist and pulled me off of the stallion. The officer began to lead me into the jailhouse, but I clung to the mane of O.G.
"NO! I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE HIM! HE LOVES ME…WE UNDERSTAND EACHOTHER…WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH TOGETHER…DON'T SEPARATE US…I BEG YOU! NO! PLEASE! NO!" I heard some shouts about me having lost my mind. They all think I am imagining the horse as Erik. I didn't care…they could declare me entirely insane and kill me in a mental hospital for all I cared at that point. All I wanted was for O.G., the last remaining relic of Erik's, to be safe and waiting for me. "PLEASE! KEEP HIM FOR ME…SAFE…PLEASE…KEEP HIM!" The officer who had so cruelly watched Erik burning inside the house, now started to show signs of compassion.
"Yes dear…I will take care of the horse…I promise you…" He cooed softly at me. My hands were then chained behind my back so that they could 'safely escort me' to my cell. As if I would fight these men…after all the antagonism in me has died…
I soon found myself in a cell, being unchained. The officer undid my bonds quickly and said, "Now, you shall wait here and we will see what your fate has in store for you…"
I took one quick glance around the cell and my heart plummeted to my feet. I quickly decided that I had no desire to be locked in THIS cell, all alone. I was ashamed to even think of doing it, but the fear I felt overrode the shame and I latched onto the officer's pant leg.
"SIR NO! I beg you! PLEASE! NO! Don't leave me here…my husband is gone…who will protect me?…This is the cell in which Christophe was murdered…I am terrified! PLEASE! I never wanted to kill anyone…even when he beat me, all I wanted was my own death…never his…PLEASE! I AM SCARED! If he hadn't held the knife at my throat and if he hadn't attempted to kill me, I would have never even thought about holding that same knife to shed his blood…but now…his blood has tainted and cursed all who might be here after him. I can feel it! Cant you! OH PLEASE, Monsieur, don't leave me here! I HAVE NOT BEEN ALONE ONE NIGHT SINCE I BECAME A MURDERER!…I didn't think, after murdering Christophe, that I deserved to be loved…or even to live…but Erik loved me none the less…and I knew he would protect me always…he kept the nightmares away…who will protect me from the nightmares now!"
I clamped my mouth shut in humiliation as the officer stared after me. His mouth was open in shock at my hysteria, and the look in his eyes spoke of guilt.
"Is that truly what happened to you, miss?" he asked softly. I nodded, keeping my eyes fixed on the ground before me. "I shall see what I can do…but you will have to wait here for me to return…can you do that?" I nodded once more. He began to walk away but I called after him.
"Monsieur…wait, I have one question!…" He turned and patiently waited for me to speak. I hated having to say aloud that Erik was dead, because it would make it seem final, so I paused a moment to find another way of wording what I wanted to ask. "Sir…why couldn't you and your men have just allowed Erik to descend after me through the window, chain his hands and take us both? Why did you have to let him…" my voice broke and the long since absent tears started to flow again. "I mean…why did you have to leave him in the house…while….well…Why?" The officer looked down at his feet; he wouldn't meet my gaze.
"Madame…We were told to do so…it was an order…he was a known magician among many other things. We all seriously thought that he would escape his bonds on the return journey and kill us all. And so the order was given to take you and kill him…I am sorry. Truly I am…but he was a murderer…he loved killing, but it is clear that you do not, and so perhaps you can be saved…but I will have to leave to see…"
"ERIK DID NOT LOVE KILLING!…HE WAS A GENTLE, KIND AND CARING MAN…AND NEITHER OF US THOUGHT OF THE OTHER AS A MURDERER…AND MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO BE SAVED! WHAT I WANT IS MY ERIK BACK AND IT WAS YOU WHO TOOK HIM FROM ME!" I fell to the cell floor, my body wracked with sobs. Through my sobs, I heard the sound of footsteps leaving, but I didn't care. One thought echoed in my mind. ERIK IS DEAD! HE IS GONE! I screamed out as loud as I could, "ERIK NO! COME BACK! PLEASE! ERIK! I LOVE YOU! PLEASE! HE IS NOT DEAD! ERIK!"
My voice bounced off of the stone walls and I soon silenced myself. I got to my feet and walked over to the small cot that was to be my bed. I laid on it and buried my face in the pillow; imagining them as being made of scarlet velvets was somewhat comforting. A few hours passed like that. The numbness I had felt immediately following the incident was now lost to me. I felt pain beyond belief and nothing I could do would make it end.
Then as I watched the flame of a nearby candle bra, it came to me. I walked over to the table on which it sat and pulled a chair over to sit next to the flame. The pain I was feeling was coming from my broken heart and my emotions were so shattered that they felt like daggers slashing through my insides. There was only one way to make the emotional pain disappear, and that was by using physical pain as a distraction. I took the candle in my hands and watched the fire dance before my eyes. I could feel the heat radiating from it in wafts. I held the flame closer to the left side of my face. Bring the flame closer, burn your face until it is unrecognizable. Something inside of me kept repeating those instructions and I wanted to obey them so very badly.
Who cares if I burn my face? The pain will be a welcome distraction. Erik and I would be closer…he would have a scarred right cheek and I, a left…together we would make one full perfect face…one full perfect love…one full perfect person. He died by flames, I should give the same flames an equal chance at taking my life…if the fire spreads to the rest of my body…I would be with him for sure…both dying by fire. It is my fault he is dead as I will be at fault for my own death…
I moved the candle closer and the world seemed have stop turning completely. I was just about to touch the candle to my face when it was snatched from my hand and thrown to the floor, extinguishing the flame. I roared and lashed out behind me, not caring what damage I did and who it was I was fighting. THEY RUINED IT! MY CHANCE TO BE WITH ERIK! GONE! DAMN THEM! CAN THEY NOT SEE THAT I AM DYING ANYWAY, AS IT IS?
I stood up and turned, launching myself into the chest of the man who had stopped me. I yelled and beat as hard as I could with my fists while my sobbing began once again. But he didn't fight back, only let me hit him again and again until finally, I couldn't fight any longer. I was so exhausted from both struggling and my weeping, that I succumbed to my fatigue. His strong arms wrapped around my shoulders and he held me close in a soft embrace. I cried softly onto his shoulder, "My Erik…he's…he's…no! Erik!…no!…"
"I know Gabrielle…I know…calmez-vous!…It's ok…it's alright…" The kindness in his voice stilled me; recognizing it, somehow. I lifted my gaze to his face and saw that I was in the arms of Raoul. I closed my eyes and slumped to the floor; he followed, resting on his knees.
"Raoul…Erik…he's…I mean…oh Raoul…what am I to do?…"
Raoul's eyes were filled with tears as he watched me become the broken creature I was when we first met. "I honestly don't know what to tell you…all I can say is that, Erik wouldn't have wanted to see you like this…But I know the feeling, all you want is for the pain to end…anything so that you don't have to think about what you've lost…I know Gabrielle…I know….But Erik wouldn't have wanted to give his life for you only to have you take it yourself…then his death will have been in vain."
I recalled what Erik had said to me, 'NEVER blame yourself for crazy things that could never have been your fault…You deserve so much better in life!…' I nodded my head solemnly. I knew Raoul was right and nothing I could think of could prove him wrong.
"Now, Gabrielle…it will take some work and I will have to talk to some important people who may be able to alter your fate, but I need your word that you will not do anything foolish while you are imprisoned here."
"Raoul…Do you know what cell this is?"
He looked as if he was going to chide me for changing the subject but then he began to look around. I saw his eyes grow wider and he spoke in soft astonishment. "This is…oh my…we need to get you out of here…the memories that you have within this cell would be enough to make anyone lose their mind…Being here will do nothing for your welfare…"
"Please, Raoul…hurry…make them kill me or get me out of here…please…"
He stared back at me and then quickly left the cell. I was left alone once again to my own thoughts and my own pain.
